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Are there some people in life who don't have to work for any

  1. Jan 11, 2016 #1
    It is truly unfair. I have still never been in a relationship. Have no friends, even though I am told I am pretty. Failed my first class last semester due to extensive work. My grandmother gives me grief when things don't go her way in my regard. Like what did I do to deserve this? I am such a good person. I feel life is going to treat me nothing but badly.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 12, 2016
  2. jcsd
  3. Jan 11, 2016 #2

    Simon Bridge

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    "...who don't have to work for any" what?

    It certainly looks like some people don't have to do any work to get certain benefits - and it is not fair.
    Life is unfair and unjust - you'll hear that a lot I bet. Justice and fairness are human constructs and need to be worked at.
    The trick is learning to deal with it. One of the advantages of science is the insistence on dealing with life as it is rather than as others tell us it is. Life is generally pretty crappy - but there are good things too. May I ask: how old are you?

    If you are working really hard at things others seem to find easy, you may want to reassess where your talents lie.
    Most people pursue what they find easy. Some people work really hard but have learned to give the impression they are not.

    Relationships can be tricky because most people lie about them ... how many, how long, and how satisfying.
    It is not unusual, especially if you want to do well in tertiary education (college) that you don't have any meaningful romantic relationship for years despite what TV and movies would have us believe. You are simply working too hard to have a social life.
    Last edited: Jan 11, 2016
  4. Jan 12, 2016 #3
    I posted the question from another site and I guess it was too long in order for it to be properly pasted and fit the forum guideline. I am 21. Funny enough, my relatives believe life is so joyful and is a blessing, regardless of what took place throughout their life. Even though I am extremely annoyed with my grandmother, she still believes life is wonderful, regardless of how miserable she acts. I am 21. And I am an IT major. Psychology is my passion but I will have to be in school for years in order to get where I want to go. I have a 3.5 gpa in IT -_- and my psychology academic plan is a 3.72 haha. I was thinking of switching to HSA, but I do not know how far that will get me and I've made it so far in IT. Weird enough, math and science are my weakest subjects. English and History are my strengths. So you're saying, people lie about how happy their relationship may actually be? As well, avoid the negative opinions I may hear others imply about what life has to bring to certain individuals?
  5. Jan 12, 2016 #4

    Simon Bridge

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    Edited by moderator
    That is pretty much my observation - though they are often lying to themselves as well.
    There is also learning to be happy anyway ... there are strategies for that. But usually the state of mind comes from choosing to remember the good stuff and downplay the bad stuff.

    Buddhists (Mahayana) for eg say that happiness is the absence of pain - usually pain through attachment and striving for things. But I think they are mostly talking about inner peace. You'll find the most accessible sources for making sense of these things comes from religion.

    Are you religious at all?
    Sounds like your grandmother may be.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 12, 2016
  6. Jan 12, 2016 #5


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    As my dad is fond of saying, no matter how horrible your life is, it can always be worse. Always. So while bad things can and do happen, on the scale of all that's possible, they usually aren't all that bad. Heck, you can usually learn something from them too, and I'm sure many people would agree that having bad things happen to you is a necessity to becoming a good, well rounded person capable of recognizing all the good around you. After all, if you've never been in the shadow, you can't see the light.

    If that's what you want to do, keep working at it.

    People often lie to themselves and others as a way of coping with bad situations or relationships without realizing they are doing it. I have several friends like this. Of course there's always the possibility that they aren't lying at all and are truly happy.

    Life ain't fair. Don't expect it to be. You don't get anywhere in life just because you're a good person. It takes work and dedication to get what you want, whether it's a job, a relationship, friends, etc. If you want friends and relationships then you need to be proactive and go out and meet people. Trust me, I know. I have no close friends within about 1,000 miles of me nor am I in a relationship. But that's mostly fault. I have the option of going out and meeting people, I just choose not too usually.

    One thing I would recommend is to see a psychologist. I saw one for a little over a year for therapy involving ADHD and a language disorder, but she also helped me recognize that I am the one in control of my life and I have the power to change it. She gave me exercises to do and taught me coping skills to help deal with a variety of stressful situations in a healthy way.
  7. Jan 12, 2016 #6


    Staff: Mentor

    There is an old Chinese story that helps me get through these kinds of situations:

    I guess you can say that life is neither fair nor unfair, it just is and we need to learn how to adapt to its twists and turns like we do the weather.
  8. Jan 12, 2016 #7
    Thank you for the realistic insight.
  9. Jan 12, 2016 #8
    I think a matter of it being just or unjust is perception. Certain people have expectations and when things do not go as planned, they state it is based on bad luck, timing and etc...
  10. Jan 12, 2016 #9


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    To the OP:

    I hope I don't sound especially harsh in this post, but all of the problems you've listed above (except for your grandmother giving you grief) are all solvable problems.

    1. You've never been in a relationship/have no friends -- why not go out there and meet people? In college/university, there are numerous clubs and social activities available. Why not make use of them? Once you meet more people and make new friends, then the odds/probability of meeting someone who you can be in a relationship with will increase. (Of course, some people may advise you to use Tinder, but I would advise against that)

    2. Failed your first class last semester: You claimed this was due to extensive work. Perhaps you should revisit how you study, or try and see how to adjust your work schedule. Most colleges/universities should have academic counselling services that can give you some good advice on how to improve study habits. These are the kinds of things you should explore. And from your earlier post, you have a 3.5 GPA in IT and a 3.72 GPA in psychology, which are all fairly impressive, so this one class shouldn't weigh you down too much.

    3. Your grandmother giving you grief when things don't go her way: OK, as I've said earlier, there may not be a whole lot you can do about that, but seriously, why should this matter to you? Do you live with your grandmother? Are you her primary caregiver? If the answer is no to either these questions, she can think or say whatever she wants -- it has nothing to do with you!

    At the end of the day, what you get out of life depends more on your own personal attitudes and how you address the challenges, opportunities or problems that come your way. At least that's my 2 cents worth on this.
  11. Jan 12, 2016 #10
    2) This semester, I will enroll in the course I failed along with one I previously withdrew out of, so I will take the initiative to seek a paid tutor because the ones at my university tend to be distracted because there are numerous students stuck at various points in the curriculum.
    3) Yes, I do live with her. She is just extremely judgmental and I can feel her analyzing every move I make, she takes everything personally and it is aggravating. I am 21 and need personal space, something she does not understand. I do not want to sound like a miserable whiner, I just need to broaden my horizons in order to get out of this pessimistic funk.
  12. Jan 12, 2016 #11


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    Since you are 21, need personal space, and has problems getting along with your grandmother, why not move out and find your own place? I think doing so can only help in broadening your horizons.
  13. Jan 12, 2016 #12


    Staff: Mentor

    Her house -- her rules. If you are not in a position to live on your own, you need to suck it up and accept that if she is providing a roof over your head, she is entitled to some say about how you live your life.
  14. Jan 12, 2016 #13
    Yeah I am about to be laid off from my present job soon and am in the process of looking for new jobs, preferably something with more hours and pay. So I will see what I can do from there. I cannot take her being so judgmental towards me. I am too good of a person for that lol. I am somewhat miserable in this environment.
  15. Jan 12, 2016 #14
    Didn't I just say that I am about to be laid off from my present job soon and am in the process of looking for new jobs? So I will see what I can do from there. I cannot take her being so judgmental towards me. It is not as if I am sitting on my throne waiting for it to happen.
  16. Jan 12, 2016 #15


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    While it no doubt sucks to be laid off from your present job, the silver lining is that this could serve as an impetus to find new opportunities which could allow you to find a place on your own and give you the personal space you crave. I wish you all the best!
  17. Jan 12, 2016 #16
    Thank you. I may be getting somewhere but who knows. I am so worried it is unbelieveable. Is this the way life works for some?
  18. Jan 12, 2016 #17


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    Just and observation....

    This sounds like a series of problems arising from conflicting priorities. It might help to sort out the priorities first and then go looking for solutions.
  19. Jan 14, 2016 #18
    From my experience a lot of people your age feel exactly like you. As has been said, there is a prevalent tendency to overstate the intimacy/happiness and number of relationships(friends and partners) - most people don't want to appear to be a loner.
    If you can't afford your own place, maybe trying to find a shared appartment/house in local ads would be possible. This also gives you instant socializing as a bonus.
    Regarding your grandmother, I don't agree that she has any say in what you do with your life, even though it is generous of her to provide a roof over your head and whatever else. You should have a serious discussion about your feelings regarding her behavior. If that doesn't work, and it really is as much an annoyance as you make it out to be, your first priority should probably be to get out of a toxic environment. Otherwise that is going to distract you from the rest of your life all the time.
  20. Jan 14, 2016 #19
    So you are implying that we overestimate the amount of happiness that can come from being in a romantic relationship? I agree, she believes that since she provides a roof over my head and all, that I am able to take her "constructive criticism". Luckily, my mother will be moving to FL this summer and from there, she will be purchasing a three bedroom house so I can live with her. I am so tired of having to live up to the expectations of an individual that has nothing to show for her superior mentality. It grinds my gears. She is extremely immature and has no right to overtake my esteem due to how unhappy she may be. My father pretty much reinstated what you just said.
  21. Jan 14, 2016 #20
    exactly. Very often relationships are messy in so many ways and do not provide the happiness, security and unconditional love one should get out of it. While that may not what everybody is looking for in a relationship, why would you settle for anything but the best?

    That sounds promising :) So a move may not be neccessary after all.
    I agree, you are the queen of your kingdom - i.e. you are responsible for deciding what you want to do and how you feel. If other people help you along the way that is much appreciated but does not entitle them to anything (just like you are not entitled to their help).
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