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Argh This is Really Not Fun

  1. Jun 7, 2010 #1
    Argh.... This is Really Not Fun

    So, here comes a post... I sort of need to vent and I sort of need advice.

    Long story short, I am 18 and heading into my senior year of high school. I met this girl about 6 months ago through a group of mutual friends. Needless to say, we eventually sort of "went out" together and ended up going to a football game together, kissing, and having fun. I really, really like her, and the problem is I think I may be obsessive about her. I also think we never really defined when we were "going out," when we were "just friends," and it seems that got us quite confused.

    The conundrum I am facing is that I see this girl nearly all the time when I am out with my friends (she is in my group of friends - stupid idea, I know) and really its just tearing me apart. I want to be with her, but I also really don't want to date in high school. I find her very attractive, smart, and down to earth, and I am fairly sure she feels the same, but I just don't want to have the pressure of a relationship with anyone right now. I want to focus on school, my interests, and friends, but she just invades my mind at every opportunity and I have been feeling fairly down lately and she constantly comes into my thoughts. It is stressing me out a fair amount, and I think its because I might be a tad bit possessive. Even though I don't express it, the thought of her being with anyone else is really troubling, however I don't want to be with her in a long term relationship - at least not now.

    The other problem I am facing is that I know this is not a healthy relationship with her. We are sort of in "no mans land"- not in a committed "relationship" but sharing a lot of feelings. I am sort of introverted, but over the past few years I have gotten considerably better and have a group of really nice, supportive friends. I really enjoy where I am right now, but this girl just won't get out of my head. And I see her at least twice a week, to boot.

    We talk and converse and have fun and do some "couple" stuff (we go out every once in a while and things), but I really just don't want to get more involved with her at this point in my life. I try to avoid her, I don't talk to her much, and she doesn't initiate much, but we do share an attraction for each other. I have so much ahead of me, we will be moving on to different schools most likely (we aren't at the same high school thank god), and I really don't want to have the "pressure" of a long-term steady relationship, (and all of the issues and problems that go along with it - sex, break ups, etc.) but it feels like I am breaking up with her all of the time. Its very irrational (I mean rationally she is attractive, nice, very caring, and very cool- but I just can't force myself out of that mode), but its almost like I have no control over it. I am very rational, get fairly good grades and everything, and I have good social skills and I go out regularly, but love seems incredibly irrational (I don't have a real "choice" in this it seems like). I guess the bad comes with the good.. :)

    I just want her back as a platonic friend, but unfortunately I don't know if I can get her out of my head or have her back on the level of "just friends". I am thinking about just going out with as many women as I know and getting to know them so I can get her out of my head, but she does kind of occupy a "special place" in my heart.

    I mean I am a decent looking fellow, although I am not by any means a "10," nor am I socially inept. I am not hilarious, I am not the suavest guy around, I don't do pickup lines nor am I incredibly good around girls, but I do have some options. Is this really what evolution designed us for? To make us miserable? Any advice?
    Last edited: Jun 7, 2010
  2. jcsd
  3. Jun 7, 2010 #2
    Re: Argh.... This is Really Not Fun

    I say you string her along for seven years untill one day you both way up in the morning and go to eat breakfast then... you tell her you don't love her and never really did.
  4. Jun 7, 2010 #3


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    Re: Argh.... This is Really Not Fun

    I don't get it. Do you want a more intimate relationship with her or don't you?

    How can you say you want her back as a platonic friend while at the same time saying you can't get her out of your head.

    "...long-term steady relationship, (and all of the issues and problems that go along with it - sex, break ups, etc.) ..."
    Has it occurred to you that there are only two peole in the whole world who can define what is and is not part of your relationship? Or do you feel that there is a set checklist all couples must cover off? :smile:
  5. Jun 7, 2010 #4
    Re: Argh.... This is Really Not Fun

    I think the main issue is that she and I are both "confused" on where everything is going/went... she has said she wants to "just be friends," but at other times has pursued me and I have done the same..

    We were both in each other's social circles before we started "going out," and it made it kind of akward to do anything because you would constantly see her both in an out of "friend" mode....

    I don't want an intimate relationship with her for other reasons, not that I don't like her. I simply don't feel that I am ready or that it is a good time for me, personally, to be in a relationship. However, I still do have feelings for her. Emotionally I want a relationship, but rationally I can't see the good in it at this point, if that makes any sense.

    Lesson learned: never date or even remotely go out within your circle of friends

    Also, I think I have some anxiety in being "in a relationship" with someone... meeting the parents, going out, announcing it to everyone, etc. Just seems stressful and unneeded...
    Last edited: Jun 7, 2010
  6. Jun 7, 2010 #5


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    Re: Argh.... This is Really Not Fun

    Maybe it's best to just have an honest conversation with her?
  7. Jun 10, 2010 #6
    Re: Argh.... This is Really Not Fun

    The whole point of love is tricking us into reproducing. All the other issues are really of our own making if you think about it.

    As suggested above, just talking it out with the person is usually the best way to go.
    Last edited: Jun 10, 2010
  8. Jun 13, 2010 #7


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    Re: Argh.... This is Really Not Fun

    Stop worrying about having a "relationship" in high school. Just have a girlfriend. Seriously, too many people are worried about "relationships" when so young, and really, that's not what you're having. Instead, relax and enjoy being young and having a girlfriend. It's fun. We're not talking lifelong commitments here, we're talking someone you can hold hands with, kiss once in a while, and go to movies with, and then you both go off to different colleges and forget about each other and find someone new.
  9. Sep 2, 2010 #8
    Re: Argh.... This is Really Not Fun

    This is semantics, but of course it's a "relationship."
  10. Sep 4, 2010 #9
    Re: Argh.... This is Really Not Fun

    I had an ex who went through the same thing. We met through some mutual friends, started talking and becoming close. We even kissed! He thought I was pretty, smart, athletic, and would over-qualify to be the love of his life. I felt the same way about him. The problem: He does not see me as his girlfriend.

    My advice for you is to talk to her and ask her about what she wants. A relationship is a two-person thing. If she wants a relationship with you, one of you will have to make a sacrifice. If she feels the same way you're feeling, being "friends with benefits" isn't a bad thing. :)

    So what happened between me and my ex... I wanted to be in a relationship with him. He made the sacrifice for me. We dated for a few months and, in the end, it didn't work out. I don't regret being in a relationship with him because, although it ruined our friendship, this relationship made me realize that he wasn't the right guy for me. Just go out, date around, and if it doesn't work out, move along.
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