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Asking someone out by Email

  1. Mar 6, 2006 #1

    I have been pondering the notion of asking out a former TA of mine. She was in charge of the lab in which I was enrolled last quarter. Though I never really talked to her, I did catch her gaze a few times. I didn't think asking someone out while in the subordinate position of TA and student, was a very good idea, and it may even have violated a university policy. Since I don't have her number or anything, I would have to contact her through her official email address. I am leaning against this for a few reasons: she might be weirded out; might be not happy that I am contacting her this way; the fact she doesn't really know me; maybe she thinks I'm desperate. Further I think she is stunningly beautiful and possibly she has had to deal with this before.

    I also figure I won’t be going out with her if don’t email her for certain and if she says no nothing really changes, I am still not going out with her. I only have the potential to gain from this should she say yes. At any rate perhaps I am just thinking too much about this and should just do it.

  2. jcsd
  3. Mar 6, 2006 #2

    Asking someone out with Email is plain stupid. You say:

    I think you just answered your own question. Yes, it *is* weird, unusual, and frankly quite a deterrent for a good relationship. Just what is it you want to ask?
  4. Mar 6, 2006 #3


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    I'd say it's a bit creepy to email her out of the blue with no prior social interaction, though some women are actually endeared by men who kinda go "out of their way."

    I'd say your best bet is to find reasons to be where she is. If she studies in the library, or hangs out in a student lounge, find (relatively legitimate) reasons to be there, too -- then strike up a real conversation with her. After you've gotten to know each other a bit, your proposition will be a lot more likely to succeed.

    If she was a good TA, you might even thank her for her help, and ask if you could swing by her office sometime and ask some questions about your current classes. You just want to find some way to encourage your "paths" to cross again here and there, to give you some opportunity to build some rapport with her.

    - Warren
  5. Mar 6, 2006 #4


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    I go with the "creepy" vote too. If a former student emailed me out of the blue to ask me on a date, I'd probably not only be weirded out, but would be sending a copy to my dept chair or a dean or something just to protect myself from any potential harrassment accusations, or any sort of accusations of impropriety.
  6. Mar 6, 2006 #5


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    I've done it before with [some] success, but it does depend on the situation. Ie....
    Last edited: Mar 6, 2006
  7. Mar 6, 2006 #6
    Okay I won't do it. I will probably never see her again anyway. Out sight out of mind.. right?
  8. Mar 6, 2006 #7
    The point 'with *some* ACTUAL social interaction was implied'. I should have mentioned it.

    Seriously, what is the OP asking? All hes saying is:

    Am I the only one who sees a problem that he's not asking a question?
  9. Mar 6, 2006 #8


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    Sure, and the situation probably involved prior email or in-person conversations and some indication that there was some mutual interest.
  10. Mar 6, 2006 #9
    You guys are getting the wrong impression here. I have talked to her a few times, briefly, but the topic was only about the class. I also did exchange an Email with her which also was about the class.

    I don't think I will do it since nobody seems to approve. Ya, and I know asking someone out by Email is lame!
  11. Mar 6, 2006 #10
    Do it. Then report back on the abysmal failure.
  12. Mar 6, 2006 #11


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    Yes, both.
  13. Mar 6, 2006 #12
    Sounds like someone has done that before:biggrin:
    And it looks like you are mentally prepared this time and waiting for such a case to happen..Is it?
  14. Mar 6, 2006 #13

    What you can do is plan...

    Do you know who is her guide proffesor...and what are the areas in which TA expertises in...Just in talking to proffesor,show your interest in that respective field and ask him which students are working under him...
    And then mail her..asking queries and finally she herself will ask you to meet you..

    Or you yourself can think something new and experiment ,,i just wish you have enormous confidence
  15. Mar 6, 2006 #14


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    To me? No. But it has happened to others...not necessarily by email, but a student becoming infatuated and then causing trouble when they don't take rejection well, so at the first sign of something like that, you have to protect yourself.
  16. Mar 6, 2006 #15


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    Stop right there!

    For the first time, I would ask a woman in person. BUT,

    I would have actually talk with her, and likely several times, before asking her out on a date.

    There is the matter of the TA/student relationship. So better to talk with her on a casual basis, without any expectation of a date. She might already have an interest in someone else, which would preclude a date.
  17. Mar 6, 2006 #16
    There's nothing wrong or weird about asking someone out by e-mail in and of itself. The reason I'm sure it won't work in this case is that you aren't confident about it. That nervousness is going to get into your e-mail and signal to her that you're confused about whether it's even appropriate or not.

    I'd completely forget about her if I were you, unless you have some burst of confidence that impells you to ask her out without really caring if she accepts or not.
  18. Mar 6, 2006 #17
    Rubbish.knowing the person's face (the one whos asking you out) personality, or general who they are is absolutely essential in starting a good relationship. I don't care if there are example of 'internet dating' around. If at any opportunity you can speak to her/him, it is a MUCH better choice to just go to her and ask her/him out.
  19. Mar 6, 2006 #18

    Protect..:surprised :biggrin:

    Well believe me ,if i have seen the inverse case also happening .....when i was in school in my final year,,i never gave importance to one teacher...and she was after me,,she used to observe me,,always trying to talk to me and finally when she got success in attracting me,,then she strated ignoring me..Women are harder to understand.............They say something ,think something and do something..:devil:

    Thats just how i see..
  20. Mar 6, 2006 #19


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    Ditto . Ive done it too and what happened next is pretty much exactly what Moonbear would do.. dept head involvement.. dept of student affairs, the works.


    I'm just a bad mofo and it rolled right off of me, though :biggrin:
  21. Mar 6, 2006 #20
    Rubbish??!! Rubbish??!!
    Straw man, Mr. Rubbish. We're talking about a situation where they already have a previous face to face acquaintance.
    What does this have to do with the situation under discussion, Mr. Rubbish?
    I believe what I said was that there's nothing wrong with an e-mail per-se, not that it was the preferred method. In fact, it's going to fail either way because of his relatively desperate attitude, not because of doing it by e-mail. On the other hand I am positive a well worded e-mail to a former acquaintance CAN get someone a date.

    Don't refer to my posts as "rubbish".
  22. Mar 6, 2006 #21


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    But it's on a professional level, she teaches him, he asks her questions about the class. Absolutely nothing in what he describes gives any reason to think any amount of confidence on his part is going to make a difference when she has not given any indication this is a mutual interest. As Russ already pointed out, it's not that asking via email is necessarily bad, it's the lack of any common interest other than that of student and teacher, which is NOT a basis for a relationship. If he had said that when he sees her about class stuff, they end up talking for hours about other things too, then I'd say, maybe, as long as he's no longer her student. But if there is no indication of any other interest other than his perception that she was looking his direction sometime during class (she's supposed to be paying attention to her students, so that means nothing), then it really doesn't matter how he asks, it's a bad idea to ask at all, and especially creepy via email.
  23. Mar 6, 2006 #22
    Exactly. So it would be even weirder if he asked her out with Email given that he HAS SEEN HER FACE.

    Previous replies have mentioned about internet dating being successful. And frankley, I'm getting tired of the number of 'romantic' posts via the internet going around in general discussion.

    Stop being ambiguous. You claim that he won't get a date because of relatively desperate attitude, but will get it if he writes a good positive letter? Where does the knowing each other come in? Where does actually acoustically TALKING to each other come in? For heavens sake.
  24. Mar 6, 2006 #23
    I wish people would read what I write:

  25. Mar 6, 2006 #24
    I think your attitude is just plain strange. If I recieved an invitation to dinner or whatever from a former acquaintaince I wouldn't care if it were by e-mail, letter, phone, or in person. If I wanted to accept I'd be happy with any method of communication, and if I didn't want to accept they'd all be uncomfortable.
    But this has nothing to do with what I posted.
    I don't particularly care what you happen to be tired of. It has nothing to do with the point I was making.
    I haven't said anything ambiguous. I said there's not anything wrong with an e-mail per se: he has a bigger problem. Your point seems to be that an e-mail is categorically wrong here. My unambiguous response: that's not true. I also didn't say he "will get it' by writing a good e-mail. I'm saying he could because there's nothing categorically wrong with an e-mail. You understand? Nothing categorically wrong with it.
    That would be on the DATE, don't you think?
  26. Mar 6, 2006 #25


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    Uh, she wasn't a prof - just my boss's daughter. :biggrin: (that and a few eharmony dates).
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