Caught Staring: A Guide to Etiquette for Opposite Sex Interactions

[DaveC426913]

Aah, that brings back one of my favorite dating memories from my early 20's. Not only did we happen to go to a bar together,

That makes you no less than 94.

[EDIT: Oh. Your early 20's, not the early 20's. Oops.]

 

[honestrosewater]

This is one thing that always puzzles me. If a person is really so hard to understand and communicate with, why do you want them? What kind of relationship do you expect to have with them?

I look at guys and girls all the time, but the reasons are usually different.

Most of my friends are guys, and the people that I work with are guys, so checking out girls has just become a habit. But this looking is a purely physical judging. I suppose people don't generally like to be judged, so maybe that is why getting "caught" is embarrassing. I'm very sly, and they probably don't suspect me because I am a girl, so I can't recall a time that I got caught. But if I did, my reaction would probably depend on hers. If she didn't care, I wouldn't. If she seemed upset, I might feign an apologetic smile. Now that I think about this behavior, I might not do it anymore. It doesn't seem entirely nice. I think it gradually developed as a form of entertainment rather than starting as a mission to judge people.

When I look at guys, it's usually because I am curious about them, and them noticing me is usually a good thing because it gives me the opportunity to learn more about them. I usually smile when this happens.

I don't mind guys (or girls) checking me out. I don't assume they mean any harm by it. Saying things of the "hey baby" variety, especially yelling them, is annoying sometimes, but oh well. You can't expect everyone to do what you want. It seems that, in a public place, telling someone what they can and can't look at is more of an encroachment on an individual's rights than is having to be looked at. As long as you aren't staring at people through their bedroom window or somewhere where they have an expectation of privacy, I don't think you need to worry.

This may be a sexist viewpoint, but I'll stand by it:

Women cannot afford to date just anyone. When they say they can't get a date, they mean they can't get one that's acceptable. I'm not talking about standards of attractiveness, I'm talking about safety and security of the situation. While many women are quite capable of handling themselves if need be, the majority would rather crawl across hot coals than to be in a situation where they must handle themselves.

Are the women that you know really that worried about safety? I am generally very cautious, but I have ended up bringing all of my dates recently -- first dates -- back to my apartment, at night, where I live alone. And I didn't really think anything of it until afterward, when it seemed much less safe. So I wonder how many rejections occur out of a concern for safety. Of course, I suppose I don't go on dates with people who seem creepy, so maybe that explains it.

 

[DaveC426913]

Are the women that you know really that worried about safety? I am generally very cautious, but I have ended up bringing all of my dates recently -- first dates -- back to my apartment, at night, where I live alone. And I didn't really think anything of it until afterward, when it seemed much less safe. So I wonder how many rejections occur out of a concern for safety. Of course, I suppose I don't go on dates with people who seem creepy, so maybe that explains it.

I was really more talking about a chance encounter - an attempted pickup. And I didn't mean Safety with a capital S, like assault, though yes that's there, I meant safety like: who wants to have to size up a guy when 10 seconds ago you were just trying to pass your exam.

 

[GeorginaS]

So I was studying in the library, and I noticed this very beautiful girl a few rows down, and I was kinda staring at her (... ok yes, I was staring), and then she looked up and caught me staring at her. I mean, it's only natural to stare at attractive people, isn't it? It's their fault their so good looking! Anyway, I blushed (I could feel the heat in my cheeks), looked away, and ducked my head under the little partitions between the desks. I ask you now: what is the correct response when caught staring at one of the opposite sex?
Also, do girls think it is flattering or disgusting when a guy stares at them?

I think this fellow got scared off. Or maybe somewhere along the way his question was answered. (Although, best I can tell from the most recent assortment of posts, the answer is, "Run! Don't look back; don't even try! Games ahead. Bad things. Swamp monsters. Ick!")

From this female's perspective, whenever I've caught someone staring at me, and I've smiled at them, and they smiled back and/or shrugged their shoulders and made a goofy face, it made me smile more. And then we went about our respective lives, and I felt really nice about the encounter. That's it. Simple.

 

[Moonbear]

This is one thing that always puzzles me. If a person is really so hard to understand and communicate with, why do you want them? What kind of relationship do you expect to have with them?

Great point! If it's that much work from the start, keep looking. When you find the right one, it's easy and comfortable to communicate.

 

[JoVieira]

smile and carry on doing what your doing unless you have any intention of taking it further in my eye!

Nothing wrong with appreciating beauty! LOL!

 

[mcknia07]

A-men! Just be a man and talk to her. If she is attracted, you will know... I have people staring at me all the time, I try to ignore them. Mostly because I have no clue why they are staring, a few are doing it right now (ps, I'm at college now, lol). I can see the point being made from both sides though... I am a normal lady, as normal as they come

 

[creepypasta13]

A-men! Just be a man and talk to her. If she is attracted, you will know... I have people staring at me all the time, I try to ignore them. Mostly because I have no clue why they are staring, a few are doing it right now (ps, I'm at college now, lol). I can see the point being made from both sides though... I am a normal lady, as normal as they come

I'm like the OP and thought it was embarassing to get caught staring, so I usually looked away immediately, but everyone here agrees that its normal, not embarassing to stare. Besides, if she does smile back after she notices you staring at her, how would it not seem awkward to get out of your seat (if you two are in a library sitting at different tables) and then walk over to her to say something? What would you even say anyways? How would you know she's attracted to you?

 

[Cyrus]

https://www.physicsforums.com/showthread.php?t=335870

 

[Huckleberry]

Does the "be a man" line ever work? I take it as a euphemism for finding courage rather than a sexist stereotype that propogates the adage that if a man isn't thinking with his genitals then he is acting directly on their behalf, among other similar unsavory colloquialisms. If the phrase applies to the sex of the recipient then it is derogitory to men, implying that he is less than he should be in order to motivate a particular response. If it applies to gender then it is derogitory to women, implying that the courage to act independently is not a quality expected of women. In the latter case we should all "be men", and yet that proposal does not seem at all satisfying to me. I have to admit I would be curious to see the reaction on a woman's face when I told her to be a man. It's a ridiculous expression, but I like it anyway.

Maybe women should approach men directly more often, especially if they intend to accuse men of not being men because they are shy. It's too easy to side-saddle rejection when it's penned. Then again, I think a woman in sweatpants and a hoodie is a huge turn-on.

 

[honestrosewater]

I prefer "take it like a man" or "man up" (or, if it's a challenge of epic proportions, "Jedi up"). Anyway, girls can be men too.

I did this volunteer thing a few months ago removing and planting plants on some islands. There was this really cute guy Charlie there. I managed to spend most of the day with him getting wet and dirty. We got along well, and he seemed to like me. I wanted to see him again, but before I knew it, it was time to leave, and I didn't have the opportunity to talk to him alone again. We didn't even ride back on the same boats. I ended up having to walk across the parking lot as everyone was packing up - and I swear everyone stopped and stared at me -- to give him my number. Actually, I gave him my email address so I could send him some pictures I had taken. It felt awkward, especially since some of the people there were my coworkers, but I manned up. And when he wrote me, I told him the main reason that I was hoping to hear from him and asked him out. He had to say no because he had a girlfriend, but he did mention being impressed by my guts.

I never hesitate to ask guys out. Just realize that dealing with them saying no is better than dealing with missed opportunities. And if they do something mean, you don't want them anyway.

 

[lisab]

I prefer "take it like a man" or "man up" (or, if it's a challenge of epic proportions, "Jedi up"). Anyway, girls can be men too.

I did this volunteer thing a few months ago removing and planting plants on some islands. There was this really cute guy Charlie there. I managed to spend most of the day with him getting wet and dirty. We got along well, and he seemed to like me. I wanted to see him again, but before I knew it, it was time to leave, and I didn't have the opportunity to talk to him alone again. We didn't even ride back on the same boats. I ended up having to walk across the parking lot as everyone was packing up - and I swear everyone stopped and stared at me -- to give him my number. Actually, I gave him my email address so I could send him some pictures I had taken. It felt awkward, especially since some of the people there were my coworkers, but I manned up. And when he wrote me, I told him the main reason that I was hoping to hear from him and asked him out. He had to say no because he had a girlfriend, but he did mention being impressed by my guts.

I never hesitate to ask guys out. Just realize that dealing with them saying no is better than dealing with missed opportunities. And if they do something mean, you don't want them anyway.

I know exactly what you're saying, and you're right. Maybe it's best not to put a gender in the term...instead of "man up" I say being bold or fearless.

Many years ago, I was studying in the library and looked up to "catch" a guy staring at me. He looked surprised for a split second, but held my gaze, and made the motion of drinking, and mouthed "Coffee?". Oh yes, that's bold and fearless. We dated for almost a year.

 

[Huckleberry]

I prefer "take it like a man" or "man up" (or, if it's a challenge of epic proportions, "Jedi up"). Anyway, girls can be men too.

I did this volunteer thing a few months ago removing and planting plants on some islands. There was this really cute guy Charlie there. I managed to spend most of the day with him getting wet and dirty. We got along well, and he seemed to like me. I wanted to see him again, but before I knew it, it was time to leave, and I didn't have the opportunity to talk to him alone again. We didn't even ride back on the same boats. I ended up having to walk across the parking lot as everyone was packing up - and I swear everyone stopped and stared at me -- to give him my number. Actually, I gave him my email address so I could send him some pictures I had taken. It felt awkward, especially since some of the people there were my coworkers, but I manned up. And when he wrote me, I told him the main reason that I was hoping to hear from him and asked him out. He had to say no because he had a girlfriend, but he did mention being impressed by my guts.

I never hesitate to ask guys out. Just realize that dealing with them saying no is better than dealing with missed opportunities. And if they do something mean, you don't want them anyway.

Way to go!

I think I prefer "man up" or "take it like a man" too. That just seems to be asking for more of something that already exists, while "be a man" seems to insinuate inescapable cowardice. Eh, maybe there really is no difference and it's just how I've become familiar with the terms. I like that there are differences between genders. That's half the fun. I just don't like social expectations that limit a person's behaviour. I'd rather be aware of someone abusing their freedom of speech than be unaware of the one cowed into silence. I mean that as a matter of individual independence in the choice of cultural conventions, not a matter of judgement of others for personal safety.

I don't remember ever catching a woman staring at me. How do you girls do it? I do remember catching a man stare at me once. I had just finished an 11 mile hike with my cousin in the Madera Canyon region near the Fred Lawrence Whipple observatory. Our aunt came to pick us up and on the way back we went to Dairy Queen in Green Valley. I had been walking for hours in the sun and I'm all sweaty and dirty. My aunt said to me something like "Hey, I think that guy is checking you out." So I looked across the room and there is some rotund, red-faced man staring me down and twinkling his fingers at me. My aunt is like, "I think he likes you." I thought I was going to die right there. She never let me forget it and she's not even alive to remind me any more.

 

[TheStatutoryApe]

I don't remember ever catching a woman staring at me. How do you girls do it?

Some say women are more subtle about it but, especially after seeing the ladies responses here, I think they just play it off better. I have occasionally found young girls looking at me (particularly hispanic girls for some reason) but I can't really think of any time I have seen women who are not in their teens looking at me. I do however remember times that women seemed to be looking at me but after the first glance seemed to actually be looking at something behind me and I can think of many occasions where I looked at a woman, made immediate eye contact, and they just smiled and nodded and went about their business (much like the ladies here said should be done when 'caught'). In those instances I never really thought that maybe they were checking me out or anything like that. Or maybe I am just attractive mostly to underage mexican girls. :-/

 

[GeorginaS]

Some say women are more subtle about it but, especially after seeing the ladies responses here, I think they just play it off better. [snip] I do however remember times that women seemed to be looking at me but after the first glance seemed to actually be looking at something behind me and I can think of many occasions where I looked at a woman, made immediate eye contact, and they just smiled and nodded and went about their business (much like the ladies here said should be done when 'caught').

I think you may be catching on. It's no big deal. That's why women, in your words, "play it off better". It's not the catastrophic event the OP makes it out to be. (Unless you are young or super shy or some other factor I can't think of at this moment.)

People look at each other. You notice someone looking/someone notices you looking, no big deal. Acknowledge each other and get on with your life. Not hard.

Unless you were drooling while staring, making rude hand gestures, or thumping your back leg when a woman noticed you, you really have nothing to get worked about. (If you're doing any of the things I just listed, of course you should be embarrassed by your behaviour.)

 

[Moonbear]

I think you may be catching on. It's no big deal. That's why women, in your words, "play it off better". It's not the catastrophic event the OP makes it out to be. (Unless you are young or super shy or some other factor I can't think of at this moment.)

Except when we're still young too. Then we play it off by having another friend who is doing the staring saying, "Don't look now, but there's a REALLY HOT guy over there staring at you!" And then of course we look and catch the guy staring and giggle when he blushes and looks away, and then try to decide the best way to glance his way again to see if he looked again without him knowing we were staring back. Why do you think women carry around mirrors to check their noses while out in public? Those little mirrors sure aren't useful for actually applying make up. :rofl: (Okay, I'm kidding...mostly...but teenaged girls can be pretty silly about these things too.)

 

[Huckleberry]

Some say women are more subtle about it but, especially after seeing the ladies responses here, I think they just play it off better. I have occasionally found young girls looking at me (particularly hispanic girls for some reason) but I can't really think of any time I have seen women who are not in their teens looking at me. I do however remember times that women seemed to be looking at me but after the first glance seemed to actually be looking at something behind me and I can think of many occasions where I looked at a woman, made immediate eye contact, and they just smiled and nodded and went about their business (much like the ladies here said should be done when 'caught'). In those instances I never really thought that maybe they were checking me out or anything like that. Or maybe I am just attractive mostly to underage mexican girls. :-/

Yeah, underage girls stare. I don't count that.

There are also times where I'll be talking with a woman and we're looking at each other, which is expected, and then the atmosphere quickly changes. There's a moment of silence like the calm before a storm, ionized air and dust kicked up from the first few raindrops, then lightning and thunder crack the sky. It's a strange sensation. I have no idea what was said or done to cause this change, but suddenly the stare is too intense for normal conversation, pupils locked in position and dilating like opening floodgates. They can be very awkward moments. It's like a hurricane that dropped in on your picnic unexpectedly. It's bizarre and uncomfortable, a definite fight or flight moment. My response is either "Check please!" spoken loudly enough so I don't have to turn my head to look for the waiter, or an imitation of a possum impersonating a dead fish.

 

[Loren Booda]

Staring together can be almost too personal, even if both parties accede. The first time I fell in love was by a mutual stare from across the room ("Some enchanted evening...").

You'll know falling in love when you feel it. I've never shared that visual sensation since, though. Having a serious mental illness then, I botched the opportunity, although we had a few beautiful moments together, such as my (objectively) seeing her irises pulsing to her heartbeat.

As I have said in previous threads, the fear response can be like that of attraction. Love is scary.

 

[lisab]

My response is either "Check please!" spoken loudly enough so I don't have to turn my head to look for the waiter, or an imitation of a possum impersonating a dead fish.

That made me laugh :rofl:.

 

[honestrosewater]

I don't remember ever catching a woman staring at me. How do you girls do it?

I don't turn my head in the direction that I'm looking. And I always have an alibi, something that I can pretend to be doing if they look my way. Maybe I also have fast reflexes. And if they happen to look at me, I act like I don't notice or that it was a coincidence. I avoid any sudden reactions, e.g., turning my head away. That is a dead giveaway. Paying attention to the direction that your head is facing is probably the biggest thing people could do to improve their slyness. I notice guys all the time (looking at me or at other girls) because of their failing to pay attention to this.

 

[Proton Soup]

doesn't matter. it's not rude to look, only to linger. there were several nice buns on display at the gym last night, shrink-wrapped in tight stretchy fabric. not a long-tailed shirt of modesty in the bunch.

 

[DaveC426913]

I don't remember ever catching a woman staring at me.

I caught a woman checking me out from behind once (it sure doesn't happen often, so I don't often get a chance to blow that horn). We walked past each other on the sidewalk. She was cute enough for me to risk checking if the caboose matched the loco - and I caught her looking around too. She whipped back so fast I'm sure she knew she was caught. Just the thing to brighten a man's day...

 

[DaveC426913]

Paying attention to the direction that your head is facing is probably the biggest thing people could do to improve their slyness. I notice guys all the time (looking at me or at other girls) because of their failing to pay attention to this.

I am a terrible starer. And I become very aware that my movements, even in the target's peripheral vision, are unmistakable. Even my eyes are wide to gather every detail in.

Nothing like a woman walking past you and your head following her through 120 degrees like you were a radar dish.

 

[QuantumPion]

What I do when I get caught staring at a girl is point at something behind her. When she turns to see what I am pointing at, I make a break for it.

 

[Cryptonic]

I just stare openly. If they think I'm a pervy creep so what? Girls are good to look at it. Damn, they're continually eyeing each other up themselves, reading those stupid magazines all the time & judging each other's looks etc. I just stare and I don't care. I'm a pervy creep so what!?

 

[DaveC426913]

I just stare and I don't care. I'm a pervy creep so what!?

Well, at the very least, in a larger-picture perspective of your life, how does this behaviour contribute to you getting laid as frequently as possible?

 

[JoVieira]

I don't think there is any harm in appreciating what you see... At the end of the day its not always about wanting to talk to them I am happily married, but appreciating a beauty is something that's natural, we all have eyes don't we!

 

[DaveC426913]

I don't think there is any harm in appreciating what you see... At the end of the day its not always about wanting to talk to them I am happily married, but appreciating a beauty is something that's natural, we all have eyes don't we!

The harm comes in treating a human being as if ihe/she is a piece of scenery.

 

[JoVieira]

Meh women look just as much as men! I have 5 sisters and trust me they are at it too!

Its different to admire beauty than too look as if you are about to pounce on them!

 

[DaveC426913]

Im happily married, but ...

This is a telling comment. It could be construed that you are more concerned about the consequences upon yourself than upon the subject of your attentions.

Meh women look just as much as men! I have 5 sisters and trust me they are at it too!

Yes. No one suggested it was a male-female thing. It's a person-meat thing.

Its different to admire beauty than too look as if you are about to pounce on them!

That may seem like a big difference from behind your eyes. The issue is: how does the subject feel about it? The danger is that when viewing them as just a piece of walking scenery, you are not thinking about how that person might feel about your attentions.

I'm not trying to make a federal case out of it, but you did ask the question 'what's the harm?'

 

[TheStatutoryApe]

The harm comes in treating a human being as if ihe/she is a piece of scenery.

There are so many people walking/driving/biking/ect where I live that when it comes to looking at them they are really not much more than scenery from a practical stand point. Its not like I am going to talk to and get to know all of these people. I may never even see them again. They are just another face in the crowd. It may be nice to get to know them and realize them as unique individuals with feelings, thoughts, and ambitions but in 99.9% of cases that is never going to happen. Unless I ignore the fact that they even exist all there is to do is look and consider what I am seeing for some brief time before they are gone from my life possibly forever.

 

[DaveC426913]

There are so many people walking/driving/biking/ect where I live that when it comes to looking at them they are really not much more than scenery from a practical stand point. Its not like I am going to talk to and get to know all of these people. I may never even see them again. They are just another face in the crowd. It may be nice to get to know them and realize them as unique individuals with feelings, thoughts, and ambitions but in 99.9% of cases that is never going to happen. Unless I ignore the fact that they even exist all there is to do is look and consider what I am seeing for some brief time before they are gone from my life possibly forever.

True, but when one changes to ogling a particular individual, one is no longer letting them go to and fro anonymously.

 

[Huckleberry]

Im happily married, but

...This is a telling comment. It could be construed that you are more concerned about the consequences upon yourself than upon the subject of your attentions.

That could be construed without the addition of the comment. The comment simply acknowledges that it could be construed so, but... it doesn't have to be the case.

People are sexual beings. We all know we are checking each other out. Even someone devoted to another person will examine the form of someone else because of its sexual appeal. There doesn't have to be any sexual intention or even desire connected to the appreciation. Looking at someone without an appreciation for who they are as a person doesn't mean that they are nothing more than a piece of meat. We are meat. We're people too. We're an art gallery and a meat locker all in one. When I'm looking at a nude painting I sometimes wonder what motivated the artist, but usually I'm concerned only with how the art motivates me. I don't know the artist behind the painting, which makes it difficult to appreciate her for the beauty of her personality.

I say we all just run around naked. People will get bored with the porn stares and we can appreciate more of the art stares.

 

[Pinu7]

The harm comes in treating a human being as if ihe/she is a piece of scenery.

What else is he to do? There is nothing wrong with admiration for beauty, it doesn't dehumanize them.

You may be confusing admiration with lust.

 

[DaveC426913]

That could be construed without the addition of the comment. The comment simply acknowledges that it could be construed so, but... it doesn't have to be the case.

People are sexual beings. We all know we are checking each other out. Even someone devoted to another person will examine the form of someone else because of its sexual appeal. There doesn't have to be any sexual intention or even desire connected to the appreciation. Looking at someone without an appreciation for who they are as a person doesn't mean that they are nothing more than a piece of meat. We are meat. We're people too. We're an art gallery and a meat locker all in one. When I'm looking at a nude painting I sometimes wonder what motivated the artist, but usually I'm concerned only with how the art motivates me. I don't know the artist behind the painting, which makes it difficult to appreciate her for the beauty of her personality.

I say we all just run around naked. People will get bored with the porn stares and we can appreciate more of the art stares.

You're still missing the point.

You can have all the philosophy you want when you're observing someone, but since the question is: what is the harm, then you have to look at it from the target's point of view[/B].

You must realize that the target has no idea that
- you are a nice guy and you wil respect her space
- your attentions are no more intrusive than someone asking for directions to the subway
- you are not about to approach her, meaning she'll have to deal with a possible pickup (in-and-of-itself, probably one of the most stressful situations a person can spontaneously find themselves in)
- you are not actually lusting after her
- you are not a loon

Note in particular, these last two. You are freely admitting that you are admiring her physical attractiveness. She doesn't know if that's gentlemanly or if it's lascivious.

Really, what it comes down to is that your philosophy is one that is completely insnesitive of her possible discomfort and stress. So yes, you are reducing her from a human, with feelings to a piece of scenery that has no feelings.