Collection of Lame Jokes

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Mr Smith gets his annual physical medical check-up done, when the doctor realizes that he has to give him the bad news (terminally ill!). So he invites Mr Smith in and gets right to the point.
(Doc:) Mr Smith, I am sorry, you're dying.
(Smith:) How long doc?
(Doc:) About a month.
(Smith:) Gee! Doc is there anything I or you can do to live longer?
(Doc:) I'm sorry, unfortunately no, unless ...
(Smith:) Unless what doc?
(Doc:) Never mind, I'm sure it's not a good idea, it's nothing easy for you to do.
(Smith:) But doc I will do anything to live longer! Tell me.
(Doc:) Ok then, here we go ...
1.) Do you smoke Mr Smith?
(Smith:) Yes doc I do.
(Doc:) Ok you quit that!
(Smith:) Ok doc, I will! ...
2.) (Doc:) Do you like and eat fat, sugar, salt, tasty food etc. Mr Smith?
(Smith:) Yes doc of course!
(Doc:) Then you quit all that!
(Smith:) But doc! ... Ok I will try.
3.) (Doc:) Do you drink Mr Smth?
(Smith:) Yes doc I do.
(Doc:) Then you quit that too!
(Smith:) Ok doc, in order to live longer ...
4.) (Doc:) Do you like women Mr Smth?
(Smith:) Yes doc of course!
(Doc:) You quit women too!
(Smith:) But doc!? ... Ok I will.
5.) ...
... ... (Quitting everything he likes etc. ...)

(Smith:) But doc, ... tell me. If I quit all that, will I live longer?
(Doc:) No! but it will feel longer! ...
 
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  • #4,228
davenn
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some Christmas comedy .....

Damn, not sox again.jpg


Doctor Xmas Tree.jpg
 

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  • #4,229
jtbell
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Did you hear about the cat who swallowed a ball of yarn?

Nine weeks later she had a litter of mittens.
 
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  • #4,230
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What did pepper write in his holiday card to salt?

Seasons Greetings
 
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  • #4,231
OCR
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  • #4,232
jtbell
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The neighborhood cats are planning a fabulous Christmas dinner:

4 calling birds
3 French hens
2 turtledoves
and a partridge in a pear tree

Meowy Christmas!
 
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Two factory workers are talking. The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off."

The man replies, "And how would you do that?"

The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling.

The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?"

The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb."

The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off."

When the man is alone, he likewise hangs from the ceiling.

The boss comes and says, "Now what's the matter?"

The man replies, "I want to go home too! I can't work in the dark."
 
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  • #4,234
256bits
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A short American tale.

What did Tenna see??
Same thing that Arkan saw,
The drove Okla homa,
While Miisis sippi her tonic,
Wondering "What did Dela ware?" to the New Year's ball,
for Tex ax the tree,
so Mon tanna under the sun,
the crash so great that Flo rida her house of mice,
Nev ada all the little scurrying varmints,
but Massa chu setts, yuke that's gross,
cuz the cow needs a New York to pull the plow.

:rolleyes:
 
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  • #4,235
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A short American tale.

What did Tenna see??
Same thing that Arkan saw,
The drove Okla homa,
While Miisis sippi her tonic,
Wondering "What did Dela ware?" to the New Year's ball,
for Tex ax the tree,
so Mon tanna under the sun,
the crash so great that Flo rida her house of mice,
Nev ada all the little scurrying varmints,
but Massa chu setts, yuke that's gross,
cuz the cow needs a New York to pull the plow.

:rolleyes:
Oh, hi, Oh,
why Georgia
did you do this?
I almost needed a new jersey.
 
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  • #4,237
jtbell
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Recreational marijuana use will become legal in California on January 1.

I hear a lot of people there will be celebrating the toke of midnight on New Year's Eve.
 
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  • #4,238
Ibix
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Recreational marijuana use will become legal in California on January 1.

I hear a lot of people there will be celebrating the toke of midnight on New Year's Eve.
Celebrating the New Year and the new law? A joint celebration, then.
 
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Recreational marijuana use will become legal in California on January 1.

I hear a lot of people there will be celebrating the toke of midnight on New Year's Eve.
Arrests only until 11:59:59 pm PT ...
But when the court takes place can they invoke the new law then?
 
  • #4,241
davenn
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Celebrating the New Year and the new law? A joint celebration, then.


hahaha that got a good laugh out of me :smile:
 
  • #4,242
davenn
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1 hr a day on treadmill.jpg
 

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  • #4,244
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100 kilopascals go into a bar.
 
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  • #4,245
Ibix
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100 kilopascals go into a bar.
The place had no atmosphere before those guys arrived...
 
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  • #4,246
Orodruin
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After writing the non-entry for the haiku/limerick contest, I could not stop thinking in limericks ...

There was a racing horse called Ron
Every race that he entered, he won
Because once we agree
To use units of c
His speed was equal to 1
 
  • #4,248
Orodruin
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Are massless horses allowed?
Poetic licence.
 
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  • #4,249
Ibix
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Are massless horses allowed?
The problem is finding a jockey who's light enough to ride it.
 
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davenn
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anti-scratch.jpg
 

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