- #14,771
- 17,826
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Jimmie Durham formerly known as Wile E. Coyote.
Collection of Lame Jokes
- Thread starter quddusaliquddus
- Start date
Jimmie Durham formerly known as Wile E. Coyote.
- #14,772
- 13,288
- 1,725
SHE: "So where do you work?"
HE: "I work where other people have fun".
SHE: "Like a DJ?"
HE: "No, I am a gynecologist."
HE: "I work where other people have fun".
SHE: "Like a DJ?"
HE: "No, I am a gynecologist."
- #14,773
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- #14,774
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Ouch! That took me way too long.
- #14,775
berkeman
Mentor
- 64,460
- 15,833
That's because you went straight to the mathematical definition.
- #14,776
- 17,826
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Yes. It was not a language thing. I actually searched for a paradoxon.That's because you went straight to the mathematical definition.
- #14,777
berkeman
Mentor
- 64,460
- 15,833
- #14,778
- 10,365
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What goes "quack, quack" and is logically inconsistent? A pair o' ducks.
- #14,779
WWGD
Science Advisor
Gold Member
- 6,336
- 8,392
- #14,780
WWGD
Science Advisor
Gold Member
- 6,336
- 8,392
- #14,781
davenn
Science Advisor
Gold Member
- 9,666
- 9,298
- #14,782
- 13,288
- 1,725
- #14,783
- 17,826
- 19,064
- #14,784
sbrothy
- 249
- 146
I'm tempted to to ask what is wrong with America but I probably wont like the answer, :P
- #14,785
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Oh, do NOT get us started.
- #14,786
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Oh, do NOT get us started.
- #14,787
- 2,712
- 5,643
- #14,788
gmax137
Science Advisor
- 2,343
- 2,053
King cake takes a bad acid trip?
- #14,789
BillTre
Science Advisor
Gold Member
2022 Award
- 2,253
- 7,642
- #14,790
- 2,712
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Whenever my wife is upset I let her color in my tattoos.
She just needs a shoulder to crayon.
She just needs a shoulder to crayon.
- #14,791
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- #14,792
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interesting anagrams:
DORMITORY: -> DIRTY ROOM
PRESBYTERIAN: -> BEST IN PRAYER
ASTRONOMER: -> MOON STARER
THE EYES: -> THEY SEE
THE MORSE CODE: -> HERE COME DOTS
SLOT MACHINES: -> CASH LOST IN ME
ELECTION RESULTS: -> LIES - LET'S RECOUNT
SNOOZE ALARMS: -> ALAS! NO MORE Z'S
A DECIMAL POINT: -> I'M A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES: -> THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO: -> TWELVE PLUS ONE
AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:
MOTHER-IN-LAW: -> WOMAN HITLER
DORMITORY: -> DIRTY ROOM
PRESBYTERIAN: -> BEST IN PRAYER
ASTRONOMER: -> MOON STARER
THE EYES: -> THEY SEE
THE MORSE CODE: -> HERE COME DOTS
SLOT MACHINES: -> CASH LOST IN ME
ELECTION RESULTS: -> LIES - LET'S RECOUNT
SNOOZE ALARMS: -> ALAS! NO MORE Z'S
A DECIMAL POINT: -> I'M A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES: -> THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO: -> TWELVE PLUS ONE
AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:
MOTHER-IN-LAW: -> WOMAN HITLER
- #14,793
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"My coffee machine doesn't work!"
"Why did you call 911?"
"Do you even listen to me?"
"Why did you call 911?"
"Do you even listen to me?"
- #14,794
Borg
Science Advisor
Gold Member
- 2,077
- 3,518
Seems legit to me. 
- #14,795
- 2,712
- 5,643
- #14,796
- 2,712
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- #14,797
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- #14,798
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- #14,799
nuuskur
Science Advisor
- 811
- 712
- #14,800
- 10,365
- 11,139
The question is so silly it caused his hairstyle to switch direction between frames!
- #14,801
davenn
Science Advisor
Gold Member
- 9,666
- 9,298
- #14,802
DennisN
Gold Member
- 1,953
- 6,341
"Welcome to the Psychiatric Care Hotline ...
If you have Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are Co-Dependent, have someone press 2 for you, now.
If you have Multiple-Personality-Disorder, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you have Short-Term Memory Loss, press 7.
If you have Short-Term Memory Loss, press 7.
If you have Short-Term Memory Loss, press 7.
If you are Fatalistic-Suicidal, it doesn't matter what button you press. Nothing will happen anyway.
If you are Paranoid-Schizophrenic, you may hang up now. We know who you are. And where you live."
If you have Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are Co-Dependent, have someone press 2 for you, now.
If you have Multiple-Personality-Disorder, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you have Short-Term Memory Loss, press 7.
If you have Short-Term Memory Loss, press 7.
If you have Short-Term Memory Loss, press 7.
If you are Fatalistic-Suicidal, it doesn't matter what button you press. Nothing will happen anyway.
If you are Paranoid-Schizophrenic, you may hang up now. We know who you are. And where you live."
- #14,803
- 18,219
- 11,245
Welcome to retirement:
You can retire to Arizona where…
1. You are willing to park three blocks away from your house because you found shade.
2. You've experienced condensation on your rear-end from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3. You can drive for four hours in one direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door at 500 degrees.
6. The four seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??
-OR-
You can retire to California where…
1. You make over $450,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
5. The four seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud and Drought
-OR-
You can retire to New York City where…
1 You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
3. You think Central Park is "nature.”
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multilingual.
5. You've worn out a car horn. (IF you have a car.)
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression
-OR-
You can retire to Minnesota where…
1. You only have three spices: salt, pepper and ketchup
2. Halloween costumes have to fit over parkas.
3. You have seventeen recipes for casserole.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road repair.
6. Where The Morons Elected Jesse Ventura, Al Frankin and Revere Geo Floyd
-OR-
You can retire to The Deep South where.
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2 "Y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
3. "He needed killin " is a valid defense.
4. Everyone has two first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Joe Bob, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.
5. Everything is either: "in yonder," "over yonder" or "out yonder. ”
6. You can say anything about anyone, as long as you say "Bless his heart” at the end!
-OR-
You can move to Colorado where…
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home, so he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail
-OR-
You can retire to Nebraska, or Kansas where…
1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is three cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end every sentence with a preposition; "Where's my coat at?”
-OR-
you can retire to Florida where…
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind - even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent cardiologist, dermatologist, proctologist, podiatrist, or orthopedist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people.
OR
To preserve your sanity, you can just keep working.
You can retire to Arizona where…
1. You are willing to park three blocks away from your house because you found shade.
2. You've experienced condensation on your rear-end from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3. You can drive for four hours in one direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door at 500 degrees.
6. The four seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??
-OR-
You can retire to California where…
1. You make over $450,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
5. The four seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud and Drought
-OR-
You can retire to New York City where…
1 You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
3. You think Central Park is "nature.”
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multilingual.
5. You've worn out a car horn. (IF you have a car.)
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression
-OR-
You can retire to Minnesota where…
1. You only have three spices: salt, pepper and ketchup
2. Halloween costumes have to fit over parkas.
3. You have seventeen recipes for casserole.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road repair.
6. Where The Morons Elected Jesse Ventura, Al Frankin and Revere Geo Floyd
-OR-
You can retire to The Deep South where.
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2 "Y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
3. "He needed killin " is a valid defense.
4. Everyone has two first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Joe Bob, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.
5. Everything is either: "in yonder," "over yonder" or "out yonder. ”
6. You can say anything about anyone, as long as you say "Bless his heart” at the end!
-OR-
You can move to Colorado where…
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home, so he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail
-OR-
You can retire to Nebraska, or Kansas where…
1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is three cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end every sentence with a preposition; "Where's my coat at?”
-OR-
you can retire to Florida where…
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind - even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent cardiologist, dermatologist, proctologist, podiatrist, or orthopedist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people.
OR
To preserve your sanity, you can just keep working.
- #14,804
- 17,826
- 19,064
- #14,805
- 17,826
- 19,064
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