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Writing: Input Wanted Dark Fissure

  1. Oct 17, 2012 #1
    I decided to give it a shot at writing something, i should start off letting you all know i have never gotten an A in english(high grades) I'm 22 years old and I'm now a fully qualified IT Technical Support Officer. English was never a strong point for me and still is far from decent, i used to use "and then" instead of comma's and would almost never end a sentence. i also used to spell things completely incorrect aswell(thankfully technology has enabled me to autocorrect errors) I would like to know if the following 3 paragraphs would entice someone into reading more of this story, constructive critisizm or just being straight with me and let me know that i should just stick to fixing computers is appreciated :approve:


    The day was young, bright blue skies, sunrise coming over the horizon you think to yourself nothing could go wrong on this glorious day. You notice a tree with rays of light shining through the branches, with but a small bird singing a song enjoying its life, when suddenly a man behind the tree came out into the sunlight and declared war against those that use sunscreen.

    The man started running towards you with blood curdling screams, you begin to brace yourself for whatever comes next, a few seconds pass and you swear to yourself this is the end, upon opening your eyes you see the figure of the man disperse into the sunlight and but a small child running towards you with their arms spread wide expecting a hug.

    Who was this child, where did they come from, more importantly who or what was the dark figure that appeared from behind the tree. After picking yourself up off the ground you decide to walk with the child to inspect whatever is behind the tree, as you come closer and closer you start regretting your decision. Sharp pains all over your body start to occur, the child starts skipping ahead of you, you start screaming “Wait!!”, but it is all too late. The child squeals to the point it feels like your ears are bleeding, you fall to your knees and black out.
     
  2. jcsd
  3. Oct 17, 2012 #2
    Also if you believe this has potential, what would be the best type of way to tell this story out of the following.

    I fall to my knees. (1st)
    You fall to your knees. (2nd)
    They fall to their knees. (3rd)

    also with tense.
    I was right.
    I'm right.
    I think i should be right.

    and one side note, i have only ever read one book in my entire life, if you suggest i should read books i can understand rofl.
     
  4. Oct 17, 2012 #3

    Drakkith

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    Staff: Mentor

    You are telling your story as if you were the storyteller telling people what they themselves hear and see. This is...not usually a good way of doing it. You simply don't have a main character, someone who the story is told through. Plus you aren't describing what I FEEL. If you tell me "You hear a blood curdling scream", well that's just dry and uninteresting. However if it's "My heart almost leaped out of my chest at the sound of a woman's scream", that is much more interesting and sets the tone much better.
     
  5. Oct 17, 2012 #4
    I think I'll just stick to fixing computer issues haha. thanks for your input!
     
  6. Oct 17, 2012 #5

    Drakkith

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    Staff: Mentor

    Don't give up if you want to do writing. But like anything else it takes practice and time. The best way to learn is to read! See what you like about the writing style. There are also plenty of sites online and books you can get as well.
     
  7. Oct 17, 2012 #6

    Drakkith

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    Staff: Mentor

    Tell me what you think of this. I hope you don't mind if I hijack your story a bit? :biggrin:

    Sunrise enveloped the horizon, setting everything in a warm glow that welcomed the new day in. In the distance a single tree stood atop a nearby hill, rays of sunlight beaming through its branches that held a small songbird singing its lovesong. I was suddenly startled as a figure leaped out from behind the tree, exclaiming with a thunderous shout, "Death to those with sunscreen!"

    I backpedaled as he started his way down the hill at a frightening pace, yelling "For the Sun god!" as he thundered closer. My foot caught a protruding rock and I tumbled backwards. I had all but given up and feared my life would end soon when the man suddenly faded away, replaced with the figure of a small child, arms open in expectation of a hug running towards me.

    I picked myself up just as the child arrived. He quickly hugged my legs and then ran off back the way he had come, motioning for me to join him.

    "Hey! Wait!" I called to him. He ignored me and continued up the hill.

    I gave chase but had only made it a few steps when a wave of pain shot through me. Gasping for breath and trying to avoid collapsing on the ground I unsteadily continued to follow the child. Ahead of me the child had started to skip. I started to call out to him again when he squealed in delight. At first it was a joyous sound, reminding me of my youth spent playing all sorts of homemade games in my neighborhood, but it steadily rose in pitch and volume until I fell to my knees in pain. I clamped my hands to my ears trying to block out the sound, but it was to no avail. The last thing I remember seeing before the world faded away was his skipping, joyous figure heading to the tree.
     
  8. Oct 18, 2012 #7
    Wow, what can i say the same story written by someone with know how, so much more emotion and discription, i dont mind at all, im really contemplating on writing more to be honest, also changing a lot of whats already been written like changing "death to sunscreen" to "death to those who disobey us" or something similar haha, as i originally wrote sunscreen to make myself laugh (first thing that popped into my head) to a continuation of this basically the two go on an adventure through a portal behind the tree or a door that leads to "another world" a bit like alice in wonderland but instead of a bunny its a child with a completely different world all together. as i can see it would read a lot easier if it was spoken by the hero in question.
     
  9. Oct 18, 2012 #8

    Drakkith

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    Staff: Mentor

    As you said above, you've only ever read like one book. Well, I suggest hitting the books then! There is no way to learn how to write if you don't read books as well.

    Also, I would make an account at www.writing.com. You can read other peoples work and post that of your own. They have plenty of things to do and resources to look at.
     
  10. Oct 18, 2012 #9
    In all honesty, I don't think it's possible for someone who isn't well-read to become a good writer.

    Consciously or subconsciously, your audience will always be judging your writing against a common standard established by everything else they have read. If you don't know this standard, because there is no overlap between what you have read and what they have read, there's quite simply no way to predict their reaction to anything - which is the point of effective writing, of course, to shape the language in such a way that it, in turn, shapes the readers' reactions.

    That being said, I found your plot, such as it is, surprisingly compelling. In spite of the rough-hewn way the story is told, it manages to immediately create a certain sense of place, as well as a certain level of creepiness. The combination of those two things involves the reader both intellectually and emotionally, and thus make for a great hook.
     
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