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Dating fear

  1. Apr 24, 2014 #1
    I have this fear of meeting the person's family that i am dating. This fear is so strong that it has kept me from dating. How do I get over this. I would feel way to awkward to talk to a shrink or a therapist about this. I get nervous to meet new people in general but this is worse. Not sure how they will judge me.
  2. jcsd
  3. Apr 24, 2014 #2


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    Try to avoid meetings with their family until the relationship is about to become permanent, like an engagement or moving in together. In some families, they want to critique you early on, but it is not their right, especially before there is a serious long term commitment. My older daughter has been living with her boyfriend for two years and they just live 30 minutes from here, and I still haven't met him. I've been asked to cook some of her favorite meals and send them over for dinner parties for her, Evo Child, their roommate and the BF's. Only just recently met one BF in the parking lot, he'd been asking to meet me for several years. It's just not that important. I trust their decisions, and they know more than me about what's going on. I've also trained them well on the *red flags* to look out for.

    I know it's stressful, which is why I suggest avoiding it until the relationship is serious. Hang in there, I'm sure you'll do fine. :smile:
    Last edited: Apr 25, 2014
  4. Apr 25, 2014 #3


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    You could date an orphan...

    Seriously though I suspect that a fear of meeting your partner's parents is actually quite common. The good thing is that this is the kind of thing that you can work through once you get into a longer term relationship. Treat your partner well and treat that person's family with respect and for the most part you should be just fine.
  5. Apr 25, 2014 #4


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    I can relate to some degree , I was never interested in meeting the family of people I dated.I see no reason to meet them in the first year , but some people might push you to do it.I think the fact you won't date because of this is irrationnal , but once you're getting into the serious relationship territory the fear is understandable.Like they say , cross the bridge once you come to it , but don't fear the road to the bridge.

    It's also painful to meet the parents if you're socially anxious , the fear of being judged as weird or a "little off".But in the end , plenty of people are not as bad as you fear they'll be and you might even develop a good relationship with some of her siblings.In that case you would just think to yourself : "All this fear and anxiety for this?".Either way , a good suggestion would be to meet them in a none-official way , like not for dinner for exemple.Try to cross their path for a couple of minutes and try to get a feel of them, for exemple when you have a plan for the night with your girlfriend but she has to go see her parents quickly before it , go for it in this moment since you have a quick way out.Not every girlfriend's parents are like this :rofl::

    Last edited: Apr 25, 2014
  6. Apr 25, 2014 #5
    Meeting the parents - that's a good item for discussion.

    You should not have to be reminded that when you meet someone and go out dating, you are dating that person and NOT the parents. If you begin to date the parents, there is a good chance your beau or beauess may become jealous which just leads to them becoming pouty which is not a good thing.

    Parents are a slight inconvenience that you will have to put up with when dating someone. If your meeting the parents is over at their place for a meal expect some silly things to happen. "You look so skinny, you must not be eating, here is another helping of x... It's Ed's favourite. That'l put meat on your bones" as you look down on a heaping portion of another 2000 calories. Or, the pop, "You know, I am going fishing this weekend and you will have to come along. Come over at 5 o'clock tomorrow morning," when Saturday's mornings is the best time for you to get caught up on sleep.

    Just be sure, though, during the meal, you refrain some doing anything yourself silly, such as trying to hide the peas, of which you do not have a preference, under the plate. At cleanup, when the peas are found lying in their innocent bare glory in a neatly arranged semicircle, the parents will gasp, winkle their forehead, and become confused wondering how those peas ever got there like that and the worry will keep them up all night. Unless of coarse, their own offspring did that when he/she was a kid and and they finally caught on in their early parenthood to these playfull tactits and are now so much more wiser. In which case this might be much better and to your advantage as they will then have no choice but to think of you both as being "two peas in a pod" and just adore you so much more.

    The downside is that they will then attempt to try to get both of you hitched up as soon as possible. And you know what that can lead to. Yes, you are then taking the first steps on the road to becoming a full fledged parent yourself with all the benefits that entails. Did you know that parents can stay up late at night as long as they want?? Believe it, or not, It's true. But i digress.

    Getting back to the "Meeting the Parents at Thier Home for a Meal", when it is all said and done and time to leave after the eventful evening, thank the parents for the wonderful meal (don't mention the peas ) and just tell your date, "Your are so lucky, your parents are really neat and great," and watch the eyes roll of your possible significant other and the big grins and misty eyes from the mom and pop, as they remenicse on fond memories.

    Actually though, what is really going on in the deep dark recesses of their mind, even though unaware of it themselves since it is just a small sparkle right then and there, but it goes back to the the reptilian part of the brain, the size of -there's those peas again - is the soon to be empty room to be used as a den ( poppa ) and sewing room ( momma ). Of coarse these mutually exclusive ideas will lead to some arguments between them for years to come. You can take some. No. You can take extreme satisfaction in being fully responsible for enhancing the parental normal mode of communication. If parents do not have anything to argue about, it is the same thing as kids without Christmas. Or is it Christmas without kids? Well, either way, you know the ramifications.

    Be prepared though for some inquisition about sensitive issues that you may not be willing to discuss, but since it is THE PARENTS, you really have no choice but to divulge. Study hard on how to respond to extreme and embarassing questions. Practise in front of a mirror to get the body language and lip movement correct. Become a professional at public speaking. Become a politician and face the press for practice. Boost you confidence level to a point where you are prepared for anything. Then and only then will nothing they throw faze you. You will now have no difficulty answering "So, Julie, what do your mom and father do for a living?" "The Avengers ( subsitute the sports team in you area ) should never have made that trade. Bob, are you an Avengers fan?" Or the real kicker to feel you out as they lead you into it with niceness and then pounce for the kill with a double whammy "Oh, it's so nice to meet you. We have been told so much about you. So, how was the ride over? Is the weather good outside?" Look them straight in the eye to show you will not be intimidated as you answer in distinct full one word responses "Great" and "Warm" flinching not a muscle. Extreme training will pay off. Don't stare though. That is a sign of aggresiveness and source of possible pending conflict in the animal world. At least with dogs I have heard. With parents, the pop might contest you with an arm wrestle after the meal, and the mom might ask you to help bring out the roast from the kitchen, just to show who really is in charge here.

    When it is all said and done, which already has been said and done, what more can be said. The sigh of relief is upon you as the evening is over and you still have 10 fingers and 10 toes and didn't mutate from all the stress and you reflect upon how you could have been so worried to put yourself in such a tizzy and everyone is waving goodbye and smiling and you feel so relaxed.

    Beware. The horror of horrors is about to come upon you and your soul. You have not yet escaped. They tell you to never go down in the basement. To never open the door with the scratching noise. To lock all the windows and doors. To never take the shortcut across the cemetary at night. To stay away from the shadows. No. Hollywood horror movies never prepare you for this. Not Dracula. Not Aliens. Not The Walking Dead. Nor The Mist. Because, as you are slowly turning and walking away, your inner self will scream in terror, your life, your very essence of life will feel the attack of demons, your aspirations will dwindle, you will be frozen in time and thrown into the dark pits of hell. Because, as you slowly turn and walk away, THE PARENTS will reveal the evil torturous creatures they really are.

    As you slowly turn and walk away, you will hear "We will have to do this again sometime soon!" and they will shut the door.

    Just have fun.
  7. Apr 26, 2014 #6


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    Lol 256, that was funny!
  8. Apr 26, 2014 #7


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    Parents are naturally curious about whom their progeny are dating. I'm certainly interested in the persons with whom my children are spending time. I don't need to know personal things, but I like to get a general idea of the integrity of the person.

    I enjoyed meeting the parents of the women I dated.
  9. Apr 26, 2014 #8
    My dad is 13 years older than my mom. They started seeing each other when she was 17, and he was 30 (17 is legal age in their state so no problem there). My mom didn't tell or introduce my dad to her parents until she was 19 (and he 32). Could you imagine how nervous he was considering that he was older????? Lucky for my dad, he won her parents over, and the rest is history.

    If my dad (being 13 years older and worried to death that her parents may disown him and get her to leave my dad) can do it, so can you!!!!!! You gotta man up!!!!!
  10. Apr 26, 2014 #9
    I have a fear of a girl I'm dating meeting my parents. The reverse of your fear.
  11. Apr 26, 2014 #10


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    It's not always the parents - I have several brothers who would be helped by shock collars.
  12. Apr 27, 2014 #11
    ok thanks for all the responses I really appreciate it . I should have said this earlier but im probably a
    a highly functioning autistic. When my sisters friend lived with us she said your brother is probably a little autistic.
    I am working on trying to get a video of my hand movements and then go to the doctor. For the most part around people I can act normal you wouldn't notice anything different, but their are times where you would be able to tell I was very different.
  13. Apr 29, 2014 #12
    Wheres a good place to find orphans?
  14. Apr 30, 2014 #13


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    You have a nice, quirky sense of humor, qwerty :biggrin:.
  15. May 2, 2014 #14
    I'm still laughing at 256bits response lol
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