Deep Thoughts: New & Used Thoughts to Ponder

[Ivan Seeking]

A thread for new or used Deep Thoughts.

Here are a few from my collection; not in the true tradition of Deep Thoughts, but it's a start.

Give me a small laser and I'll move the sun

- Unknown

If you continue on your present course you will likely end up where you are going.

– an ancient Chinese proverb.

Ghosts were people too

- some guy's shirt on TV

Flying a plane is like riding a bike...it’s just harder to put the baseball cards in the spokes.

- Robert Stack; Airplane.

Gloria: Do you know that 60 percent of all deaths in America are caused by guns?
Archie Bunker: Would it make you feel any better if dey was pushed out of windows?

- Carol OConner; All in the Family

Look at a dog, and picture him wearing spike heels with a LONG foot. What you are calling his knee is really his ankle!

– unknown biologist

The warning light is flashing on the dashboard of America

- President George Bush Jr.

Nothing gets your toe to tapping more than an accordion

- Evo.

 

[theCandyman]

President Bush always has some amusing quote I have never heard before.

 

[arildno]

]If you don't know the way, follow your nose

Gandalf in Moria.

 

[FredGarvin]

Playing hockey (football) is like making love to a really beautiful woman. You can't always score, but when you do, it makes all the trying worth while.

- Chef from South Park

He was really talking about football, but I am a hockey player who can't stand football, so I changed it just a bit.

 

[Anubis]

President Bush always has some amusing quote I have never heard before.

"The majority of our import comes from other countries..."

:rofl: :rofl:

 

[zoobyshoe]

He was really talking about football, but I am a hockey player who can't stand football, so I changed it just a bit.

Please refrain from misquoting cartoon characters to suit your idiosynchratic taste in sports.

 

[fourier jr]

"physics is much too hard for physicists" - Hilbert
"travelling through hyperspace isn't like dusting crops, boy" - han solo
"All men are mortal. Socrates was mortal. Therefore, all men are Socrates" - woody allen
"In mathematics you don't understand things. You just get used to them" - john von neumann
"Television is something the Russians invented to destroy American education" - paul erdos
"Either mathematics is too big for the human mind or the human mind is more than a machine" - kurt godel (i assume he means exclusive 'or')
"I am a passenger on the spaceship, Earth - buckminster fuller
"The organic unity of mathematics is inherent in the nature of this science, for mathematics is the foundation of all exact knowledge of natural phenomena. That it may completely fulfil this high mission, may the new century bring it gifted masters and many zealous and enthusiastic disciples!" - hilbert, 1900 icm
"After ages during which the Earth produced harmless trilobites and butterflies, evolution has progressed to the point at which it has produced Neros, Ghengis Khans & Hitlers. This, however, I believe is a passing nightmare; in time the Earth will become again incapable of supporting life, and peace will return" - bertrand russell
"finally i am becoming stupider no more" - paul erdos' epitaph

 

[honestrosewater]

You can't have a Deep Thoughts thread without Dan Quayle:
(not really a Deep Thought, but...)
Dan (shaking hands at rally): I'm Dan Quayle. Who are you?
Woman: I'm your Secret Service agent.

- It isn't pollution that is hurting the environment, it's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.
- If we don't succeed we run the risk of failure.
- We are not ready for an unforseen event that may or may not occur.
- Hawaii is a unique state. It is a small state. It is a state that is by itself. It is a --it is different from the other 49 states. Well, all states are different, but it's got a particularly unique situation.
- It is wonderful to be here today in the great state of Chicago.
- It's time for the human race to enter the solar system!
- I love California, I practically grew up in Phoenix.
- What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is.
- A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.
- I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican.
- Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child.
- We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a *part* of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a *part* of Europe.
- Welcome to President Bush, Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts.
- For NASA, space is still a high priority.
- When I have been asked during these last weeks who caused the riots and the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame.
- One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice president, and that one word is 'to be prepared'.
- I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change.
- The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century.
- Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children.
- We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world.

 

[Evo]

You can't have a Deep Thoughts thread without Dan Quayle:

Those have to beat anything Bush ever said. :rofl:

Ok, who moved the smilies again? :grumpy:

 

[zoobyshoe]

Those Quayle quotes are fantastic.

 

[Monique]

Multiplication is the same as division

 

[honestrosewater]

Anyone know when Deep Thoughts started? I wouldn't be surprised if Quayle was the inspiration.

 

[wasteofo2]

Some english from the late Mitch Hedberg:

I saw a human pyramid once. It was totally unnecessary.

If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be fuked up.

You know they call corn-on-the-cob, "corn-on-the-cob", but that's how it comes out of the ground. They should just call it corn, and every other type of corn, corn-off-the-cob. It's not like if someone cut off my arm they would call it "Mitch", and then re-attached it, and call it "Mitch-all-together".

I haven't slept for 10 days, cause that would be too long.

 

[arildno]

The set of primes is closed under multiplication.

 

[Ivan Seeking]

I think somebody should come up with a way to breed a very large shrimp. That way, you could ride him, then after you camped at night, you could eat him. How about it, science?

For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: Why not add a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness.

I hope they never find out that lightning has a lot of vitamins in it, because do you hide from it or not?

Once while walking through the mall a guy came up to me and said "Hey, hows it going?". So I grabbed his arm and twisted it up behind his head and said "Now whose asking the questions?"

I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.

Jack Handey

When I was a kid, my friend's parents watched a bit too much SNL. They saw the Deep Thought about a parent telling their child that they were going to Disneyland, and then taking the child to a burned out field and telling him that Disneyland burned down. They thought it would be fun to try that in real life.

That was my intro to Jack Handey's Deep Thoughts. Funny as that little stunt was NOT when I was six, I look back on it now and laugh

http://66.102.7.104/search?q=cache:....html+SNL+"Deep+Thoughts"+"first+aired"&hl=en

 

[fourier jr]

some brainy brian mulroney (pm of Canada 1984-1993) quotes:
"I am not denying anything I did not say."

"In politics, madame, you need two things: friends, but above all an enemy"

"The biggest trading partner of the United States is not West Germany or Japan, it's right here."

"there's no whore like an old whore" (re: corruption)

"Popularity's bad for you. I avoid it like the plague. And I've been reasonably successful" (eventually his approval rating would be stuck at ~8% for 6 months before he finally resigned)

"If I were the President [of the United States] I would wake up every morning and say, 'thank God for Canada. Now what can I do for Canada?"

"Perfection is not likely to be something associated with me."

"The national income per capita – which in relative terms is in steady decline, now more than 35 % lower than the United States. Within 10 years, if the present trends continue, our per capita income will be 50 % that of the U.S." (in 2001 re: nafta which he negotiated)

 

[Astronuc]

If you're able to keep your head when all about you are losing theirs, then to many it will appear that you don't understand the gravity of the situation.

Man will occassionally stumble over the truth . . . but most of the time he just stumbles.

authors unknown

Ok, who moved the smilies again?

Warren!?

I think Bush has borrowed quotes from Quayle.

 

[fourier jr]

"ending a sentence with a preposition is something up with which i shall not put" - winston churchill

 

[Evo]

"ending a sentence with a preposition is something up with which i shall not put" - winston churchill

My grade school teacher had a story about ending sentences with prepositions which to this day makes me cringe. All I can remember is something about two guys talking about ewes (which they pronounced eewees). When I see a sentence like "where are you going to?" all I can think is EEWEES.

 

[Danger]

two guys talking about ewes

Ewes? :uhh: Did someone say 'ewes'? :tongue2:

 

[Ivan Seeking]

Never try to milk a bull.

 

[fourier jr]

henry rollins quotes:
It's sad when someone you know becomes someone you knew.

Go without a coat when it's cold; find out what cold is. Go hungry; keep your existence lean. Wear away the fat, get down to the lean tissue and see what it's all about. The only time you define your character is when you go without. In times of hardship, you find out what you're made of and what you're capable of. If you're never tested, you'll never define your character.

Nothing Brings People together more, than mutual hatred

Life will not break your heart. It'll crush it.

Life is full of choices, if you have the guts to go for it. That's why I get immediately bored with anyone's complaining about how boring their life is, or how bad their town is. ****ing leave and go somewhere else. Or don't.

Keep your blood clean, your body lean, and, your mind sharp.

Sometimes the truth hurts. And sometimes it feels real good.

Don't do anything by half. If you love someone, love them with all your soul. When you go to work, work your ass off. When you hate someone, hate them until it hurts.

**** Mars

When life hands you a lemon, say "Oh yeah, I like lemons. What else you got?"

If you hate your parents, the man or the establishment, don't show them up by getting wasted and wrapping your car around a tree. If you really want to rebel against your parents: outearn them, outlive them, and know more than they do.

Hope is the last thing a person does before they are defeated.

Half of life is ****ing up the other half is dealing with it.

I believe that today more than ever a book should be sought after even if it has only one great page in it. We must search for fragments, splinters, toenails, anything that has ore in it, anything that is capable of resuscitating the body and the soul.

The ones who don't do anything are always the ones who try to put you down

 

[honestrosewater]

Hope is the last thing a person does before they are defeated.

Ouch. Sounds like a swell guy. :uhh:

 

[Tsu]

Better not take your dog with you on the space shuttle because, when he goes to stick his head out the window, his face would burn up.

 

[Danger]

Better not take your dog with you on the space shuttle because, when he goes to stick his head out the window, his face would burn up.

Hi honey! Where you been? Oh crap, the old man's reading this, ain't he?
I mean... hi Tsu. How you been?

Okay, this is an actual copyrighted by me under my real name quote:
The shortest distance between two points is a geodesic. Einstein—1; Euclid—0

 

[Mk]

"Kickflip to Indy over the spine porque escuela es muy grande.

QUE!?!"
-My response to a question, on trial. For some reason I had to go to an asylum and see a psychiatrist for a few months...

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Minor_characters_from_The_Hitchhiker's_Guide_to_the_Galaxy#Deep_Thought

 

[Mk]

Just say that outloud, I swear you'll laugh. :rofl:

 

[Danger]

Just say that outloud, I swear you'll laugh. :rofl:

Sorry, dude... but I'll try it again when I haven't just polished off my 14th beer.

 

[Mk]

Oh, and I found when you say it outloud, other people will laugh too! Not just you!

 

[El Hombre Invisible]

"The smaller the monkey, the more it looks like it will kill you the first chance it gets." - Peter Kay.

"Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it on a fruit salad." - Peter Kay again.

"Avoid your potential. It's like your bank balance. You always think you have more than you really do." - Dylan Moran

"The light from that star has taken so long to get here it isn't there anymore."
"What? If I see something I want to know it's there, otherwise I might go to sit down and break my neck." - Woody Allen

 

[Tsu]

Hi honey! Where you been? Oh crap, the old man's reading this, ain't he?
I mean... hi Tsu. How you been?

Hi, sweetie! I been good! 5 acres keeps me real busy! How you been? I see you've been in rare form lately! Keep up the good work. Oh. And don't worry about Ivan. He can't read the small print. :rofl:

 

[Danger]

5 acres keeps me real busy!

I'd expect so, especially if you're still having to work around that deceased ruminant. (I mean the deer, not Ivan.)

How you been?

Very well, thanks. Your sisters have been keeping me alert (and nervous).

I see you've been in rare form lately!

It's been said that my humour is very rare; at least, it's certainly not well done.

 

[franznietzsche]

- Chef from South Park

He was really talking about football, but I am a hockey player who can't stand football, so I changed it just a bit.

It works better for hockey anyway.

I'll have to write that one down.

Viruses make email less secure

-Some guy who's name i forget

 

[Adrian Baker]

"I haven't had sex for so long I've forgotten who ties who up"

- Joan Rivers


"Too succeed is not enough - others must fail" (I can't remember who)

 

[Tsu]

I'd expect so, especially if you're still having to work around that deceased ruminant. (I mean the deer, not Ivan.)

I've not been working around the deceased ruminant (which is covered in lime and cedar shavings) although I have been repairing the damage the other two deer are doing to my flower gardens. Oh well... I'd rather have deer lying around in my front yard with me than have nice rose bushes and unmunched columbine. I got a bit sunburned today, though, so I'll have to be careful the rest of this week. :grumpy:

Your sisters have been keeping me alert (and nervous).

Excellent.

It's been said that my humour is very rare; at least, it's certainly not well done.

Good point. :rofl: