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Difference in opinion

  1. Jan 8, 2015 #1
    Hi everyone - I have been in a romantic relationship with a wonderful man for the past 8 months. Last night was the first time I was deeply hurt by something he said. I have friends from all walks of life, which include individuals who are transgender. My bf said he thinks being transgender is "ridiculous" and "not right." I do want to emphasize he did not say this with malice or hate in his tone. He is a gay/lesbian/bisexual ally which was why I was surprised. Of course this was around midnight when we were going to bed, but after those words I could not sleep.

    I was so shocked and disappointed that I went to sit on the couch for a few minutes to cool down and think. He came out to see me and asked if I was okay and said he couldn't sleep either. I told him our conversation had unsettled and hurt me because I value my transgender friends because I feel they are misunderstood. I shared their personal stories with him and how coming out as trans was extremely difficult. He was a great listener and after said that he needed to re-evaluate what he thought because I made some good points. I reminded myself he is not a hateful bigot: just ignorant. He is open to learning and changing his view, which means so much to me. The majority of my friends who are trans live 6 hours away, but I think when he meets them he will see they aren't ridiculous, but people just like him and me.

    All in all we ended in a good place and I am relieved that when we disagree on important things we are able to have a respectful conversation about it. Because goodness knows there will be times in the future when we disagree -it's only natural. I am curious, the first time you and your SO disagreed how did you navigate it?

    Thanks for reading.
  2. jcsd
  3. Jan 8, 2015 #2

    Doug Huffman

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    We are 66 y.o. and 76 y.o., so obviously set in our ways, though pleasing to each other. Be careful of what becomes disagreement. Nothing matters very much at all though every thing matters a bit. Some ask, "is this the hill you wish (the relationship) to die on?"
  4. Jan 8, 2015 #3
    Thanks Doug! Great quote.
  5. Jan 22, 2015 #4


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    Years ago, I was like your bf. I wasn't sure what to think about transgendered people. I wasn't sure it was a real "thing" - until one of my friends went through it.

    She told our small group of friends that she had been living as a male secretly for a while, and now wanted to become male officially. I had no idea - all this time, I thought she was gay. I was really shocked! Keep in mind, this was about 23 years ago. Being gay was no big deal but transsexual? It really wasn't openly discussed back then.

    The next two years were amazing. Before the transition, she would not look anyone in the eye and spoke so softly you could barely hear her. Afterwards, he was a strong and confident man. He wasn't tall, maybe 5' 2", but he had no problem getting dates. It was a great learning experience for me!

    I realized the person I thought I knew wasn't a shy woman, but a man in an extremely awkward and embarrassing situation.

    So I think your bf's feelings probably don't reveal bigotry, just ignorance. He needs to become acquainted with someone who has crossed the gender line. I really have no idea how you would go about that - it depends on your community. My advice to you would be to try to make those connections *yourself*, then bring your bf into the friendship.
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