Do you think iam being selfish?

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In summary, the conversation is about a 20-year-old girl and her 42-year-old girlfriend who are deeply in love. The girlfriend refuses to buy the girl drinks in public due to her being underage and the drinking age being 21 in NY. The girl understands her girlfriend's concerns, but is embarrassed when they go out with her friends and she can't drink. She wonders if she should talk to her girlfriend about it, but feels selfish for putting her own needs ahead of her girlfriend's. Some of her girlfriend's friends tease her about the age gap between them and she gets upset that she can't prove herself as an equal partner. The expert suggests addressing the issue with the girlfriend and possibly finding alternative ways to enjoy going out, such
  • #1
anny
Hello , ok , so am a 20 year old girl and my girlfriend is 42 we are both deeply in love, however my girlfriend refuses to buy me drinks in public fearing she might get in troubles since the drinking age is 21 in NY , she has no problems with me drinking alone or at home or closed parties but not in public , and i don't want to make a big deal out of it as i understand her concerns but i also hate it when we go out with her friends and i can't drink :-/ i want to talk to her but i always feel selfish putting my needs ahead of hers . so do you think i should talk to her about this , i get very embarrassed while with her friends because sometimes they tease me about this .* i know they probably trying to point out what they think the ridiculous age gap between us* and i get really mad not being able to prove myself as an an equal partnership to them. do you think am selfish asking my girlfriend to do what i want instead of what she should?? thanks
 
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  • #2
Well, it is hard to be an equal partner when you are 28 years younger than the rest of them.

And you are underage. Wait a year and you can drink all you want in a bar (its expensive and the free drinks end on your birthday night).
 
  • #3
MotoH said:
Well, it is hard to be an equal partner when you are 28 years younger than the rest of them.

And you are underage. Wait a year and you can drink all you want in a bar (its expensive and the free drinks end on your birthday night).

thanks for your reply^^. and em.. 22 years only not 28 ;P
 
  • #4
Buy your own drinks when your out? Otherwise you are asking your girlfriend to do something illegal, which is not an issue for some people, but is for others. Get a fake ID? I don't know. I mean, I don't think it is something you should be upset at her for. But its you in the relationship not me, so do what you need to do.
 
  • #5
anny said:
Hello , ok , so am a 20 year old girl and my girlfriend is 42 we are both deeply in love, however my girlfriend refuses to buy me drinks in public fearing she might get in troubles since the drinking age is 21 in NY , she has no problems with me drinking alone or at home or closed parties but not in public , and i don't want to make a big deal out of it as i understand her concerns but i also hate it when we go out with her friends and i can't drink :-/ i want to talk to her but i always feel selfish putting my needs ahead of hers . so do you think i should talk to her about this , i get very embarrassed while with her friends because sometimes they tease me about this .* i know they probably trying to point out what they think the ridiculous age gap between us* and i get really mad not being able to prove myself as an an equal partnership to them. do you think am selfish asking my girlfriend to do what i want instead of what she should?? thanks
If her friends are actually targeting the age gap, then you having a drink won't solve anything. They would just find some other way to tease about it.

I would certainly explain to your girlfriend that their remarks are embarrassing you. She may not realize how uncomfortable it makes you, and hopefully she'll either get them to tone it down or go out with different friends.
 
  • #6
anny said:
Hello , ok , so am a 20 year old girl and my girlfriend is 42 we are both deeply in love, however my girlfriend refuses to buy me drinks in public fearing she might get in troubles since the drinking age is 21 in NY , she has no problems with me drinking alone or at home or closed parties but not in public , and i don't want to make a big deal out of it as i understand her concerns but i also hate it when we go out with her friends and i can't drink :-/ i want to talk to her but i always feel selfish putting my needs ahead of hers . so do you think i should talk to her about this , i get very embarrassed while with her friends because sometimes they tease me about this .* i know they probably trying to point out what they think the ridiculous age gap between us* and i get really mad not being able to prove myself as an an equal partnership to them. do you think am selfish asking my girlfriend to do what i want instead of what she should?? thanks

I wouldn't buy a minor drinks either. She would/could be held legally responsible if you were to be caught, and might face fines/charges for contributing to the delinquency of a minor. Don't take it personally.

If her friends are treating you disrespectfully you should tell them that their behavior is embarrassing you. If it's just a joke here and there, I wouldn't worry about it too much; however, if they are making you uncomfortable they need to be considerate of your feelings. I would make an attempt to address the issue yourself before bringing it up with her. It could, like Zooby said, they may not realize that their comments are offending you.
 
  • #7
When I would go out to bars and didn't want to drink, I'd order a glass of tonic water with a wedge of lime, looks just like a mixed drink, and has a refreshing taste.

If her friends are making fun of you being too young to drink, they're the ones that need to grow up.
 
  • #8
anny said:
Hello , ok , so am a 20 year old girl and my girlfriend is 42 we are both deeply in love, however my girlfriend refuses to buy me drinks in public fearing she might get in troubles since the drinking age is 21 in NY , she has no problems with me drinking alone or at home or closed parties but not in public , and i don't want to make a big deal out of it as i understand her concerns but i also hate it when we go out with her friends and i can't drink :-/ i want to talk to her but i always feel selfish putting my needs ahead of hers . so do you think i should talk to her about this , i get very embarrassed while with her friends because sometimes they tease me about this .* i know they probably trying to point out what they think the ridiculous age gap between us* and i get really mad not being able to prove myself as an an equal partnership to them. do you think am selfish asking my girlfriend to do what i want instead of what she should?? thanks

Ok: For being ashamed by her friends: tell them that your youth is your biggest advantage over them. That so they'll be old and fat, and you will still have your whole life ahead of you.

As for beers, blackmail her :P
 

1. What is selfishness and why is it considered a negative trait?

Selfishness is a behavior where an individual prioritizes their own needs and desires above others. It is considered a negative trait because it often leads to neglecting the needs and feelings of others, causing harm or conflict in relationships.

2. How can I tell if I am being selfish?

Selfishness can manifest in various ways, such as always wanting things your way, not considering the feelings of others, or constantly seeking attention or praise. Reflecting on your actions and considering the impact they have on others can help determine if you are being selfish.

3. Is it okay to be selfish sometimes?

Being selfish occasionally is normal and healthy as long as it does not harm others or become a consistent behavior. Taking care of your own needs and well-being is important, but it should not come at the expense of others.

4. How can I overcome my selfish tendencies?

Recognizing and acknowledging your selfish behavior is the first step in overcoming it. Practice empathy and consider the perspective of others. Communicate openly and listen to the needs of those around you. Engage in self-reflection and work on developing selflessness and compassion.

5. Can selfishness be beneficial in any situations?

In certain situations, being selfish can be beneficial, such as setting boundaries to protect your mental and emotional well-being or prioritizing your own needs in order to be a better caregiver or support system for others. However, overall, selfishness can have negative consequences and should be balanced with consideration for others.

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