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Does anyone else have trouble dumping people?

  1. Jul 19, 2011 #1
    I guess there is a common theme wihtin the last two relationships I have: I am not happy with the person I am dating mainly because she is too high maitenence and I perceive it as a conflict with my physics career since she would expect me to spend more and more time with her as relationship progresses. That, plus having physics ph.d. I would prefer to date someone on my level. I can't respect myself otherwise. Yet I am getting the girls who don't even have BA. But what happens is that due to Asperger most girls reject me and I can't get the ones that I would truly want. So, out of desperation, I get on with someone I don't like to begin with thinking it is "better than nothing". Then it wears on me after a while. But then I don't know how to dump them. And then I feel "trapped" and not know what to do.

    This brings me to the point of this post. Does anyone else have difficulty dumpting people once you lost interest? I guess there are only two possible scenarios: either I dump them or I give them reasons to dump me. The "I dump them" option doesn't work: First of all, I don't have balls to do it; Secondly, I don't want to hurt htem. How would I explain to them why I dragged them through the relationship if I wasn't interested in them to begin wtih? On the other hand, the option of "give them reasons to dump me" doesn't work either. I mean, I might ultimately be offended by their "reasons" of dumping me pride-wise. In this case one of the two thigns will happen. Either I fight to get htem back and successfully GET them back; but then I am right back at square 1, being trapped in this exact situation I was trying to get out. Or the other option is that I DON"T get them back. But then I will obsess for months and months as to why they were so "judgemental" and didn't give me another chance.

    Have any of you encountered such dillemas? What do you guys do in these situations?
     
  2. jcsd
  3. Jul 19, 2011 #2
    I think honesty through and through is your best approach. If you and your girl-friend are all 'I love you and can't be without you' from the second date, then the bar is set reallllly high. Making sure you're taking things at an appropriate pace and not saying things you don't mean can be huge.

    I dated a girl for almost 2 years, we lived together for much of that, and I never once told her I loved her. She would say it and I would just respond 'I know' - she realized that our relationship wasn't really going anywhere beyond 'roommates with benefits' (if you will) and eventually accepted it. We set the tone that we enjoyed eachother but knew we weren't getting married, etc. We broke up and went our seperate ways after I met an old flame again that I did have heartfelt feelings for. She's now married and set to have a kid, I'm married (not to that flame) and couldn't be happier. Point is: know what you want out of a relationship - don't just fake it because you think it makes her happy.
     
  4. Jul 19, 2011 #3

    Pengwuino

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    You have to tell them the truth. You say you're afraid of hurting them but what do you think is going to be worse, being dumped after a year or being dumped after 10 years? You're wasting your life and theirs.

    If I had a gf who dumped me after 5 years and said that she stopped loving me and wanting to be with me after the first year, I would want to do things to her that would require me to go off to a large, state run complex for 5-15 years of my life.

    Sure maybe 5/10 years is a bit out there, but I absolutely know of couples who have been together that long who I know shouldn't be together and it's only a matter of time (or they're delusional beyond everything..... or have kids). Even if it's being together 3 months longer than you want to be, that's still 3 months both of you could be doing something better with your lives. You don't have the right to waste the other persons life like that.
     
  5. Jul 19, 2011 #4
    Are you just scared? Realize that you are actually just placing the break-up into another (future) period of your life, in which it may actually be tougher to deal with.

    Are you afraid of hurting her? Realize that it is actually what's best for her (even if she doesn't agree).

    Look, despite what people may think is "fair", you don't have to give any reasons for dumping her. You don't have to point out any flaws or any of that crap. Just tell her that right now you would value the freedom of being single over the comfort of being with someone. I've learned the easiest breakup is one that doesn't point fingers or leave anyone with a feeling of guilt. You are a human and have every right to choose your own path.
     
  6. Jul 20, 2011 #5
    I am a chronic interest-loser. No matter how exited I am at the start, I end up losing interest. There's something wrong with me: an over active novelty-seeking lobe, or something. I believe that and I swear to you that I am the first human who uttered the phrase "It's not you, it's me." It came to me during a confrontation over thirty years ago, long before Seinfeld existed. I think the girl must have told so many people about this baffling, unanswerable utterance, that news of it spread till it got to the ears of the Seinfeld writers.

    I have no idea how to dump someone though. I mostly dealt with it by just trying to see them less and less and less in the hope they'd kinda forget I existed.
     
  7. Jul 20, 2011 #6

    BobG

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    There's two issues here:

    1) Getting out of the relationship.

    2) How you get out of the relationship.

    It's important to treat the other person with a little respect when you're getting out of the relationship. There's good ways and there's kind of crummy ways. You'd prefer to use one of the good ways.

    However, that doesn't change the fact that #1 is more important than #2, even if you're only capable of one of the crummy ways. Don't confuse your priorities. If you stay with the person because you're not capable of one of the good ways of dumping them, then what you're doing to both you and them is worse than if you resorted to one of the crummy ways.

    So, in rank order:

    1) Tell them in person why you're no longer interested in them. Be honest and straight forward, hopefully without being malicious and mean. But make it clear that the only option is ending the relationship. This is not the time for a "criticism sandwich" (telling them their good points, what they need to improve on, but that they're a good person overall). That won't end the relationship - instead they'll hear they need to do such and such to keep the relationship alive.

    ....

    4) Tell them in a letter why you're no longer interested. Same guidelines as in person, but you don't have to face them saying they'll change and the relationship will get better, tears, etc. You should tell them in person, but if a letter is all you're capable of, then it's all you're capable of.

    ....

    7) Tell them on the phone. This is actually worse than a letter because the phone will give you both poor communication and her arguing the relationship doesn't have to be over.

    ....
    9) (or maybe #3) Send them an e-mail. I guess in today's technology, this might actually be as good as a letter. For traditionalists, this seems a little tacky. But you do what you're capable of doing and who knows? Maybe your handwriting is so bad that you'd be better off sending an e-mail. Besides, for younger people, I think e-mail has completely replaced the concept of letter writing, anyway.

    17) Send them a text message. Short sweet. Hard for her to argue. Especially since you can decide to quit responding to her text messages. This is a pretty tacky option, even for younger people.

    32) Just quit contacting them period. Don't call, text, or e-mail them. Don't answer or respond to any of their calls, texts, or e-mails. Eventually they'll get the picture that you're no longer interested. This is worse than just tacky. It's a cowardly method and a cruel method. None the less, it's better than option 7.

    47) Sleep with her sister, or worse yet, her mother. She'll dump you and your problems are solved. Well, at least your problems with her. If her mother's a cougar, then there's a possibility of opening a whole new can of whirled peas. As bad as option 7 is, it's better than option 8.

    ....

    51) Run over her with your car. This has some really bad consequences if anyone can prove you didn't do this accidentally. Definitely don't do this! None the less, this is still a better option than option 9.

    52) Stay in the relationship. This is bad, bad, bad. Best case is that she eventually catches on to the non-verbal clues and dumps you. Worst case is that she doesn't catch on and the two of you eventually get married, have half a dozen kids, and live the rest of your lives together with you hating her guts while she thinks you love her.

    I don't care how tacky the method you use to dump her, but you dump her.

    But you really should work on developing some of the better methods for dumping someone.

    And, obviously, I left out a few of the 50 ways you could leave her.
     
    Last edited: Jul 20, 2011
  8. Jul 20, 2011 #7

    BobG

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    If they have kids then you're tossing in a whole new set of variables. Can you break up with the adult without losing the relationship with the kids? How realistic are the options of maintaining the relationship with the kids? Etc.

    Depends on the person. Some wouldn't care about the relationship with the kids, but they might care about the child support payments.

    Regardless, it's understandable that more people would endure a bad relationship when there are kids involved.
     
  9. Jul 20, 2011 #8
    Just to clarify, there are no kids involved in my case. And we are not married either. In fact I will not let the marriage and/or kids to occur. But the girl keeps pushing for marriage, which she now plans to be one year from now. And this is one of the things that scares me. I don't want to marry even if I DID like her. I am scared of irreversibility of marriage (being a Christian I don't believe in divorce) plus I want to have more me-time to focus on building my career.

    She already knows I am scared of marraige and this is one of the sources of our fights. I was quite honest to her about it. But when she became really upset, I told her that I hope I can overcome my fears by the time we do plan to marry (November 2012). I know this won't happen. So I just hope that something changes between now and Nov 2012. Eitehr marriage has to be postponned further, or we have to break up.
     
  10. Jul 23, 2011 #9

    Pengwuino

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    Holy hell, you don't love her and want to break up with her, and you're playing this ******** game? No one deserves to be with someone who doesn't love them and is only pretending to be interested. Be a man and dump her.
     
  11. Jul 23, 2011 #10

    DaveC426913

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    There's another issue here:
    Just my opinion but this is a terrible criteria upon which to base a relationship.
     
  12. Jul 25, 2011 #11
    I would say, be honest about your feelings, but don't necessarily disclose your reasons. If you give reasons or rationalizations it opens the door to arguments about how things could change or be different, or how maybe your perceptions are incorrect. You could start with "I want to see other people" and then say things like "I'm not attracted to you anymore" "I'm just not feeling this relationship anymore" for reasons as to why. Those sorts of things can't be argued.
     
  13. Jul 25, 2011 #12

    micromass

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    Wow.

    If you're going into a relationship because the girl is "better than nothing", then the relationship will fail. Find somebody who you will really love and who you really care about.

    If I were your girlfriend, and I would read what you just wrote, I would be deeply insulted.
     
  14. Jul 25, 2011 #13
    [First Bold:]
    Well, in order for any relationship to work-out, communication is key. So spending time with the person is a factor but considering your work, you'll need to find a person who will understand. Just like some doctors work long hours, they'll need to be with a person who can understand that due to the nature of their work, they wont be around all the time, and that they might come home sad when a patient dies, etc. But I would like to tell that you shouldn't let your work get in the way of family (when you do eventually marry one of these potential future mates). Take vacations where you can spend time with your wife every now and then.

    [Second Bold:]
    Wow, dude. You sure are one conceited, arrogant person. My goodness! I don't think I've heard anything worse than that. Now granted, everyone has standards, but not having a college degree certainly doesn't make one less of a human being. You made it sound as if they're not worthy of you. Some Ivy league graduates out there aren't even half the mothers, loving wives, as some people who went to community colleges.

    I would like to ask, how long do you get to know these women before you eventually take things to the next level?
     
  15. Jul 25, 2011 #14

    Yeah. Some of the things this guy wrote, I just couldn't believe it. I feel like the OP has a fear of being alone.
     
  16. Aug 1, 2011 #15
  17. Aug 1, 2011 #16
    Causalset: Try to think about her instead of yourself for a minute! Would you want to be in her shoes? If you were in her shoes what would you want?

    In other words, just dump her and let her find someone who actually will give her a happy life!!! You are not happy, she doesnt sounds happy, why waste time for both of you??

    In other words, Stop being Selfish!!!!!

    Whats the excuses about not having balls?? what?! stop giving yourself excuses!!!
    Be a better person and man up! Try to overcome your weaknesses!!!

    You will feel much better that way and you will attract someone who you will get on with! and then you can see what real love is like!
     
  18. Sep 15, 2011 #17
    Stop dating everyone you run into. You don't always have to be with someone.
     
  19. Jun 29, 2012 #18
    Firstly,
    I am the one that was "dumped." However, it was ME that told him that HE wasn't good enough.

    A PhD is nothing to shake a stick at, I am getting my Doctorates and so forth, I own two businesses, and am an organizer for other businesses. I study, Work full time, AND do all these extra things. So... Who has time to study towards a PhD at present? I certainly don't know how I would manage. :) Though, I would like to agree with many peoples comments on this forum.

    1. Be a man and dump her... (That would fit IF he was the first one to do it) :)
    2. The thing about not wasting peoples lives? Thumbs up! You couldn't be more right! :)
    3. The idea of a PhD NOT being a credential... APPLAUDS!!!! Fab!

    What else? Ahh yes... the part where the one up front person KNEW where the relationship was and went with that. THAT takes courage and a is a great solid plan. The issue Causalset was having was... the fact that, He would decide, and then he made the choice, I was in agreement and agreed that we shouldn't be only to have him crawling back? So. Yes. It was decided long ago.

    Any other comments? I love hearing them, now that I have found this because he decided to confess it. :) Thanks all!

    J
     
  20. Jun 29, 2012 #19

    DaveC426913

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    Nothing has changed. As stated before, someone's career path is a terrible criterion upon which to base a relationship. Probably for the best that you're no longer together.

    Are you a sockpuppet for banned causalset?
     
  21. Jun 29, 2012 #20
    I can totally agree with your view. It would be nice I suppose to have someone with a like mind, but career path... I am not sure I could handle it myself! Ha. Who knows? Maybe their businesses would be in direct opposition to mine! :P Jk

    No, not a sock puppet. ^^ A creative yes... but sock puppet... no.

    J
     
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