Don't Look Back: Is It Childish to Avoid Eye Contact?

[qspeechc]

Hi Everyone.

Please forgive me if this topic is too frivolous for discussion.

It sometimes happens that when I am walking down the road and a girl is walking towards me we may look at each other and perhaps smile. When we walk past eah other I always have the temptation to look back but I never do-- never. I want to look back to see if the girl is looking back too; it's only natural curiosity, is it not? But I am worried if I look back it looks like I'm "checking her out", being a leering pervert, and all that. So I always just continue staring forward without looking back.

Am I being childish? I know this is not matter for serious disussion, but I'd like to know what other PFers think.

 

[lisab]

It is kind of leering. Maybe not to the point of being pervert-ish, but your instincts on this one are good. It's admirable that you can exert your self-control and not look...can you imagine getting caught?

 

[qspeechc]

If I get caught by her it means she was looking back too.

Sometimes a girl is really beaming at me such that it seems to me that if I look back I will be certain to see her looking back too. But I haven't looked back yet to verify my suspicions, lol.

 

[Borek]

can you imagine getting caught?

Sorry? So it is wrong for me to look back at a nice girl, but it is OK for the nice girl to look back at me? Where are equal rights?

Edit: beaten by qspeechc. That happens when you need to consult dictionary but for some reason pass between the desk and bookshelf is blocked...

 

[Evo]

Carry a mirror.

 

[edward]

It is kind of leering. Maybe not to the point of being pervert-ish, but your instincts on this one are good. It's admirable that you can exert your self-control and not look...can you imagine getting caught?

I never saw it as a problem. A quick glance back and a polite smile if I got caught usually resulted in the smile being returned. Turning around and staring is quite a different thing.

A guy can only get caught if the girl looks back too. That is how I met my wife btw. We caught each other looking back twice and we both blushed and started laughing.

Things must have changed over the years. Everyone, especially guys, are now a potential pervert, instead of being a being a potential new friend.

 

[NeoDevin]

I always look back.

 

[Upisoft]

But I am worried if I look back it looks like I'm "checking her out"

What is wrong with that? They use so much time to make themselves look pretty, so it is polite to recognize they look pretty.

 

[anubis01]

I used to think like you did OP, now I don't. If I see a nice gal, I'll look back, and if she notices me I'll give her a nice smile that usually gets returned.

People's interaction with you depends a great deal on your own perception of how you act. If you feel fairly awkward and squeamish, that will show in your actions and will make others feel uncomfortable, however if you feel and act natural, most people will be more receptive to you.

 

[DanP]

Hi Everyone.

Please forgive me if this topic is too frivolous for discussion.

It sometimes happens that when I am walking down the road and a girl is walking towards me we may look at each other and perhaps smile. When we walk past eah other I always have the temptation to look back but I never do-- never. I want to look back to see if the girl is looking back too; it's only natural curiosity, is it not? But I am worried if I look back it looks like I'm "checking her out", being a leering pervert, and all that. So I always just continue staring forward without looking back.

Am I being childish? I know this is not matter for serious disussion, but I'd like to know what other PFers think.

The only problem I see is if you would look back after men :P And truth be told, you are checking her out if you look after her. Big deal. Both women and man do this sometimes.

 

[DanP]

It is kind of leering. Maybe not to the point of being pervert-ish, but your instincts on this one are good. It's admirable that you can exert your self-control and not look...can you imagine getting caught?

It would be terrifying to get caught showing interest, aint it ?

You know Lisa, from my point of view this is a form of flirting. IMO , flirting doesn't has to have any special finality, it's just a game, a reminder that "your a woman I am a man". It's natural.

Girls like to be "checked out". But you have to doit with a certain finesse, which depends of the situation. You can make it a silent compliment with a bit of "grace". Staring at her *** or breasts like an idiot unable to smile, talk or make eye contact won't get you far. And yeah, girls check out men too.

 

[lisab]

It would be terrifying to get caught showing interest, aint it ?

You know Lisa, from my point of view this is a form of flirting. IMO , flirting doesn't has to have any special finality, it's just a game, a reminder that "your a woman I am a man". It's natural.

Girls like to be "checked out". But you have to doit with a certain finesse, which depends of the situation. You can make it a silent compliment with a bit of "grace". Staring at her *** or breasts like an idiot unable to smile, talk or make eye contact won't get you far. And yeah, girls check out men too.

Well duh.

Read the OP carefully, what I wrote was in response to him. He doesn't seem to share your point of view - and I'll refrain from commenting on that observation .

 

[Andre]

Obviously we have a bit of a puzzling discussion here, genders in misunderstanding?

I certainly don't know what 'girls want' and what 'girls think' but after raising two daughters, I came to understand a bit more. Both of them are very nice, but one of them is, what could be described technically as 'very gorgeous' and on top of that she has a sublime EQ. But what she did not understand at a younger age is how she set boys complete on fire, just by being herself, polite, friendly and gorgeous without any intend to flirt. It was just her and her smile did not mean to say: look back, maybe we can flirt.

 

[DanP]

Well duh.

Read the OP carefully, what I wrote was in response to him. He doesn't seem to share your point of view - and I'll refrain from commenting on that observation .

Yeah, he has some complexes about natural things. Like looking after the opposite sex . He'll eventually get around them. I don't know if he shares my point of view or not, he just seems confused whatever looking after a woman is natural or some sick perverted thing. It's not.

 

[DanP]

It was just her and her smile did not mean to say: look back, maybe we can flirt.

This is what drop-dead gorgeous women do to men. Turn their heads. If she had no interest in flirting, she could just march ahead and she would certainly not look back to catch a glimpse of that man. Problem solved. Nothing really happened. Just another man turning his head after a hot woman.

But what she did not understand at a younger age is how she set boys complete on fire

Well, I am pretty sure she eventually realized where her power comes from. Man wanting hot women, what can I say, it's in our genes.

 

[Andre]

..

Well, I am pretty sure she eventually realized where her power comes from. Man wanting hot women, what can I say, it's in our genes.

Would you believe she found that annoying? She had a bf and also high standards about relationships.

 

[DanP]

Would you believe she found that annoying? She had a bf and also high standards about relationships.

Unwanted attention ? I can believe she may have found that annoying. Her looks ? Nope. I didn't met a single women to be annoyed she is hot.

 

[Ivan Seeking]

Sorry? So it is wrong for me to look back at a nice girl, but it is OK for the nice girl to look back at me? Where are equal rights?

Indeed, I find this entire business to be silly. Look, don't look... no big deal.

When I was much younger, my observation was that many young "hot women" often go for the biggest jerks. If a guy is good looking and cool, or a member of the social elite, he can be about as big of a jerk as he wants to be and women will still be attracted to him. Beautiful women are the same. Guys will be attracted to their looks and ignore all other faults until a real relationship is formed.

It is no mystery why the high school or college football star often dates the head cheerleader. Interestingly, in my own family, a former UCLA football star married the head UCLA cheerleader! It didn't last.

[I should add that in the old days, being a cheerleader was based as much on looks as anything else. The cheerleaders were usually some of the best looking girls in the school. I guess this has changed in recent years.]

 

[Topher925]

It all depends. If you make eye contact when walking past each other and she smiles, feel free to look back. Otherwise keep looking forward, otherwise she will probably think that you're a creeper.

 

[DanP]

It all depends. If you make eye contact when walking past each other and she smiles, feel free to look back. Otherwise keep looking forward, otherwise she will probably think that you're a creeper.

Where is the facepalm emote ? I really need one :P

How the heck she will think you are a creeper if she doesn't turn and doesn't see it ? Maybe she is a mind reader or something, eh ? And if she turns to see it, why on Earth did she turn ?

Just turn if you feel the need to doit. Don't repress yourself and rationalize that you "do the right thing". There aint "right thing" here. Creeper my ***.

 

[DanP]

Sorry? So it is wrong for me to look back at a nice girl, but it is OK for the nice girl to look back at me? Where are equal rights?

Rofl. Who cares about the rights. Look at the chick if you want. We all do and pretty much don't give a dime about what others think. Big deal.

 

[Dembadon]

...
Just turn if you feel the need to doit. Don't repress yourself and rationalize that you "do the right thing". There aint "right thing" here. Creeper my ***.

There's nothing wrong with being wary of making someone else feel like a piece of meat, Dan. Just because you are comfortable with it, doesn't mean others are. I believe the OP just wants to be considerate, and for that I can't find any fault. You're right, though, that some might enjoy that kind of attention (and even look for it), but you shouldn't expect everyone to feel the same way, nor should you fault them when they don't.

 

[Upisoft]

There's nothing wrong with being wary of making someone else feel like a piece of meat

Now you assume that looking at someone is something wrong. It is not. You have done nothing to her, by just looking. If it was say sleeping with her only for one night and then dumping her, it is different. You actually did something to her.

 

[Borek]

There is a difference between looking and looking. If you look back and smile it is completely different from looking back and making obscene faces.

 

[DanP]

There's nothing wrong with being wary of making someone else feel like a piece of meat, Dan. Just because you are comfortable with it, doesn't mean others are.

But we are a piece of meat. And also, much more than that. When a women walks before me on street, I can't see much of her brains, read her thoughts, or enjoying her potentially thrilling personality ,brilliant conversation, and PhD in whatever. All I see is her physical appearance, some of her skill in "wearing" her body, and the way she dresses. That is all.

God forbid I should look at her, no ? Because it makes me a inconsiderate piece of **** :P
Lets be serious.

I believe the OP just wants to be considerate, and for that I can't find any fault. You're right, though, that some might enjoy that kind of attention (and even look for it), but you shouldn't expect everyone to feel the same way, nor should you fault them when they don't.

Nobody faults anyone, nor I am narcissistic enough to believe that all women would enjoy my attention :P It's a game. If she looks back, she does, and Ill play it from there. If she doesn't, well, that's it. No harm done. See, we believe that what we do has a lot of salience in the eyes of others. Nothing could be more false. Chances are she will never know you turned her head after her.

 

[DanP]

There is a difference between looking and looking. If you look back and smile it is completely different from looking back and making obscene faces.

Indeed. This seems to completely elude some ppl.

 

[Dembadon]

Now you assume that looking at someone is something wrong. It is not. You have done nothing to her, by just looking. ...

I didn't make that assumption. By definition, "wary" implies a measure of uncertainty. In other words, if by looking, I receive a smile in return, no harm done. However, it is unreasonable to expect everyone to receive an innocent look in a healthy way. People come from different backgrounds; not everyone has been looked at in healthy ways. If I were to make someone feel uncomfortable, I'm going to apologize, and I don't think that's unreasonable. You can't just tell people their feelings are invalid. There could be issues that go much deeper than just an "innocent look back."

 

[Dembadon]

Rofl. Who cares about the rights. Look at the chick if you want. We all do and pretty much don't give a dime about what others think. Big deal.

God forbid I should look at her, no ? Because it makes me a inconsiderate piece of **** :P
Lets be serious.

Yes, let's get serious. What did you mean by your first quote? Not caring about how your actions affect others is inconsiderate.

Secondly, can you please quote the post where I said it wasn't okay to look under any circumstances? I believe I've just been saying that the OP's concern for how others perceive his actions is perfectly reasonable. As Borek said, looking and smiling is fine, and I haven't said anything to the contrary.

 

[DanP]

Yes, let's get serious. What did you mean by your first quote? Not caring about how your actions affect others is inconsiderate.

Really ? Like I told you, you are putting too much salience on harmless actions. It's so ... human and so false.

Secondly, can you please quote the post where I said it wasn't okay to look under any circumstances? I believe I've just been saying that the OP's concern for how others perceive his actions is perfectly reasonable. As Borek said, looking and smiling is fine, and I haven't said anything to the contrary.

I don't think this dignifies an answer.

 

[Dembadon]

... I don't think this dignifies an answer.

Then perhaps you should be more articulate. Erecting straw men like the second quote in my previous post isn't necessary.

 

[DanP]

Then perhaps you should be more articulate. Erecting straw men like the second quote in my previous post isn't necessary.

So you recognize your second quote was a straw man ? Interesting.

 

[DanP]

I didn't make that assumption. By definition, "wary" implies a measure of uncertainty. In other words, if by looking, I receive a smile in return, no harm done. However, it is unreasonable to expect everyone to receive an innocent look in a healthy way. People come from different backgrounds; not everyone has been looked at in healthy ways. If I were to make someone feel uncomfortable, I'm going to apologize, and I don't think that's unreasonable. You can't just tell people their feelings are invalid. There could be issues that go much deeper than just an "innocent look back."

Yeah, right. See man, all this have a single flaw. To see you looking BACK at her, she must turn her head back and look after you.

So instead of blaming me for being inconsiderate, why don't you blame HER for looking back at me? Maybe I am just a poor guy and she will scare me senseless. You see the whole problem with your logic ?

What about, not blaming anyone and quit this whole non-sense ?

 

[Dembadon]

So you recognize your second quote was a straw man ? Interesting.

Quit being obtuse, Dan.

God forbid I should look at her, no ? Because it makes me a inconsiderate piece of **** :P
Lets be serious.

The above quote was directed at me, was it not? The quote implies that I, at some point, claimed that you shouldn't look at women, which I didn't. If I'm wrong in assuming you were including me in your hyperbole, then please correct me.

 

[Dembadon]

Yeah, right. See man, all this have a single flaw. To see you looking BACK at her, she must turn her head back and look after you.

So instead of blaming me for being inconsiderate, why don't you blame HER for looking back at me? Maybe I am just a poor guy and she will scare me senseless. You see the whole problem with your logic ?

What about, not blaming anyone and quit this whole non-sense ?

My logic is fine; my post was gender neutral. I never claimed it to be a one-way street.

 

[DanP]

My logic is fine; my post was gender neutral. I never claimed it to be a one-way street.

Your logic is deeply flawed. Its not the gender thing which should have caught your eye, but the bolded portions. It's the fact that to see one persons looking back to you, you have to turn yourself. The other person just passed you in the OPs scenario. Else you will not see that person turning it's head after you. So again, let's be serious. Big deal.