Don't read this if you find relationships boring

[Jonny_trigonometry]

My friend hints at things in conversation. He has said things directly and indirectly which I find disturbing. It's wierd, wether I'm only with him, or with other friends, he'll make comments like these, but never around his girlfriend. There are many supporting stories to consider which I'll not go into, but the bottom line is, I think he views me as a sitcom character rather than a friend. Here's the major thing, my normal state of mind is of utter uncertainty. meaning, I have no confidence to speak of, and I'm not here to fight, on the same note, I don't hold my opinions as the final say, and I will retract things at the drop of a hat. Needless to say, women don't find that very attractive, and so as you might expect, I haven't had a steady girlfirend for more than a month (sad I know). On the other hand, my friend has never been with any other girl than whom he's with now, they've been dating for over 5 years. I've seen him say unbelievable things to her when they get drunk (extremely offensive), and so have other friends. The inside joke about them is a parody of the itchy and scratchy theme song, "they drink, and fight, and drink and drink and fight, the ####$and$## show!" (# signs represent their names). So anyway, I've never insulted him, and I don't believe that it's right for me to tell him "ya know, you're kind of a jerk sometimes" but it's getting out of hand in a way. Anyway, back to the fact that I haven't had many girlfriends, and when I'm in a relationship, I can't seem to keep her interest for too long until I creep her out because I start to try and explain how much she means to me (i get too infatuated I guess). My friend is now questioning my sexual preferance because of this. Because he is in a relationship with someone whom he mistreats, this is sort of irritating me. I'm getting more and more personal with this post, but I hope it's entertaining nonetheless. To be honest, I can't defend myself based on evidence because sadly, I haven't gone that far with a woman. I just don't like admitting that, but I hate it much more when people get the wrong impression because of it. So now you may see my problem, I'm a "wimp" or "pu$$y" in the eyes of pop-culture today, as is portrayed in tv and movies and what not. It just so happens, my friend was raised by tv. His dad died early in his life, and he wasn't that close to his mother, and never liked his step dad, but he loved watching tv. Whenever I talk to him, there is a 100% probability that he will mention some tv show, or a couple, or just quote something from a tv show, and I have to ask what he meant because I'm not familiar with what he's talking about... So accounting for this, I shouldn't confront him, I should let him have his fun because he deservs it. I in fact was interested in the girl he's dating back in high school. I developed a good rapport with her, but I couldn't decide between her or her best friend. I ended up asking her best friend to the prom, and she (her best friend) said she would go if I could get a date for her (my friend's current girlfriend) also. Ok, so I had to set up a blind date for the prom? As you may think, that didn't work out, so I went with a different girl from a different high school whom I wasn't as interested in. A year later, groups of friends merged, and we all were hanging out all the time, including my friend (the topic of this thread) and you da you da ya... Anyway, I had a chance to get involved with her best friend again, and so I proceeded, but was "blocked" by another one of her friends, who called "dibbs" whatever that means. I was sort of wondering what I should do, and I figured I had to show "the blocker" that we wouldn't work out before I proceeded. (keep in mind, I'm wierd, and I didn't want to simply outright tell "the blocker" that I didn't like her, I felt I had to show her and make her dicide for herself so that I wouldn't offend her). Anyway, my friend started taking a liking to first girl whom I met in high school. I ended up telling her that he was interested in her, and they've been going out ever since, and he's been treating her like crap. I've been too "floaty", trying not to leave much of a footprint on the world, but at the same time, trying to help out the people I know. I like my firend, and he's a funny guy, but he's got some of his own opinions about me which he tagges on me, and amuses himself by it. I just don't want to confront him because it makes him happy to do these things. I've always marched to the mantra of letting people think what they want of me, but this is testing me a bit much. This isn't the only thing he hints towards though. He also hints that I have no care about life at all, that I have no care if a friend loses a loved one. One time I mentioned the idea that yes it sucks when a loved one dies, but it's not worth sulking over for too long, and that it should be respected that the awareness of death isn't a bad thing, because there is an entire universe that is more important than us humans, let alone the fact that everything that has a beginning has an end, due to the nature of our situation (ie entropy increases). However, he dumbs this down to "you welcome death" and he loathes this stance. It's like he's searching for easy ways of summing things up, but he gets them wrong unknowingly, and then attributes his conclusions as a character flaw in me. So he amuses himself by making fun of me for things that I don't even represent. Like I said before, he is a nice guy, and he's got a good heart, and these tiny things which irritate me don't really measure up much at all in defining him. I don't want to be told to confront him and call him a jerk, I guess the only reason why I spent the time to post this is merely to expend some of my thoughts of him formally, perhaps to clarify things for myself, and entertain others who find this to be good reading... I hope I haven't bored you all, but what do you think? I'm betting it tells you more about me than my friends, and I would agree with you, I'm probably the problem here, not my friend.

 

[zoobyshoe]

I don't think it's a good idea for either of you for you to keep so many of your opinions to yourself. People don't grow that way. Since he was raised by TV he actually really needs to hear a more realistic side from someone who wasn't. It won't change him overnight, but plants a seed that may eventually grow into him thinking about where he gets all his attitudes and if that's a good thing and if it could be different.

I think you have good insights into your relationships with women, why they are the way they are. Your equanimity, what you call being "floaty" is just plain premature at your age. The realization that the best way to get through life is to avoid leaving footprints is something they teach in Zen monasteries to people who want to master life. It is kind of useless to someone who hasn't had the down and dirty experience of leaving some prints: making a bit of trouble, having had some impact on those around them.

I'd say speak your mind more, offend people, and go after the women you're interested in more directly.

 

[Mk]

I think you need to get new friends if you don't like the ones you got.

You need to tell him seriously some things you don't like him doing.

You need to be a better sport too! Sing the itchy and scratchy theme song with them, make new verses!

You need to be more confident in yourself.

Whenever I talk to him, there is a 100% probability that he will mention some tv show, or a couple, or just quote something from a tv show, and I have to ask what he meant because I'm not familiar with what he's talking about... So accounting for this, I shouldn't confront him, I should let him have his fun because he deservs it.

See, look at that lack of confidence! This is probably why you don't got a girl. You're saying he's better than you! You're Johnny Trigonometry! PFer, to be a PFer you got to be above normal intelligence, and I bet if he quotes sitcoms all the time he is not above you. You need more confidence, with confidence comes security.

I've met a lot of jerks and idiots in my lifetime, they mostly had both qualities, I'm sure you've met plenty too.

I like to tell people that's how I'm going to start my book. Some people fall into the jerk category, gladly not the idiot category in addition. Recently one person I met said I had no spark, nothing people would be interested in. He said I was boring, and blank. He said I do the same thing everyday. Then mentioned how he had good qualities I don't have, like randomness, and obnoxiousness. Yes, he said randomness and obnoxiousness. Don't let it getcha down man, you're not a wimp or a p ussy. Sometimes people say things, and it gets ya, but you got to let it not get ya.

Once after somebody got me down, and I recovered I wrote:

I look back, after just 8 hours, and see that those were petty crimes. Like littering. Less than littering. How will they affect my life as a whole? Neither will. How will it affect theirs? In no way. Why did I feel such emotion at the time?

I felt bad, I did. I didn't feel that bad. Sometimes you may feel unbearably bad. Why do people commit suicide? Life is not going well for them. But what if you were to look back, twenty, forty, years later, and think about that. What would you think? Would you laugh at yourself? Would you wonder why you could have ever felt so bad? How you could be so blind to not see all the wonderful things in front of you?

You need to not waste your time sulking, wallowing in your miseries. You need to take life as it is. We don't life forever, and it goes by faster than you think. Take every chance you get.

I'd say speak your mind more, offend people, and go after the women you're interested in more directly.

Don't be afraid, you only live once!

 

[Jonny_trigonometry]

Thanks for the support. I've thoght of many of these things already such as the idea of recollecting the way I feel and act many years from now, and I would probably laugh at myself, and this whole conversation we're having now. You must be right, even if I may disagree with you now, because I can relate this with other times in my life which were similar and I laugh at myself now when I think back at them. The thing is, I don't think it's right for me to say I'm better than him, or anyone for that matter. Deluding myself with ideas of superiority leads to mistreatment of others. In its limit, this is the cause of sexism, racism, religious conflicts, etc.

As far as living life to the fullest goes, I've got a lot to learn right now. I used to be much more care free, but now I'm simply not. I don't feel like I'm missing out on anything because I know what I can do, and I choose not to do it. Ever since the Bush administration stole the 2000 election, I started to think more globally and about the future of humanity. When I feel things are fine, then I feel fine and I want to go out and do fun stiff, but I don't feel that way right now because I don't want jerks to win in the end. There is also the counter argument, that it doesn't matter if the world ends up being run by a group of jerks because even if we live in a world like in George Orwell's 1984, we can still have fun in our own ways. Though I agree with you, thinking this way isn't what I truly want to do, I'd rather just go skydiving and play gigs everyday instead. So I think the best thing to do is simply "drop the brain" and live like an animal. I'll try letting go of reason and let my body do what it does on it's own, I'll just be along for the ride.

 

[Mk]

So I think the best thing to do is simply "drop the brain" and live like an animal. I'll try letting go of reason and let my body do what it does on it's own

Yes, grope every girl you see!