Don't really know how to put it

  • Thread starter mcknia07
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I cried last night for and hour and a half and again this morning for another half an hour. (*Im not one to normally cry either*) My brother has a new girlfriend, don't get me wrong, I like her, but there is something that is not right about the situation. I had a nice long talk with my brother about it, I think I will have a 'lil chat with her and find out what it is. My brother is acting differently, but I don't think it's in a good way. I know she is not here to take my spot, but there is something that's making my brother kinda mean and sneaky. I love him to no end, and I don't want to see him get hurt. I care too much for him. I could go on for hours here, but I just don't know what to do or say at this moment. I told mom and she is going to have a talk with him today. She is slightly worried about him too. We know he is a big boy, but we are still family and that will never change.
 

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  • #3
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That almost sounds about right. She keeps trying to sway my brothers mind on things. I told him he needs to be a man and tell her how it's going to be. There is something that is just not quite right....
 
  • #4
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... Get a boyfriend ...
:rofl:
 
  • #5
cristo
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I told him he needs to be a man and tell her how it's going to be.

That doesn't sound like a good solution; one can't go around telling his gf "how it's going to be"!

You say things are changing, and that he is being mean and sneaky: what does this mean? Is it just towards you that you see this change, or is his interaction between the rest of your family/friends changing? It's obvious that you're a tight family; is your brother's gf somewhat affecting this, or do you see her as trying to muscle in on your brother or something?
 
  • #6
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He can say how it's going to be, because he already has an engagement ring...he has to be the "ruler" of the house.

It's mostly him being mean to me and mom. He is never like that, NEVER! I almost think she just wants him for his money, not for sure though. I can't pin point what's so different, but there's something...

We have this rule, no one of the opposite sex upstairs where the bedrooms are. He broke that rule twice...if not more times that we don't know of. Me, being the sneaky little sister, I snuck upstairs....I heard nothing, but she quickly moved when I went to his room....that says something, they/she was trying to hide something.
 
  • #7
seycyrus
Do you have any evidence that something is wrong with the situation besides the fact that he is not as nice as he used to be? It is quite possible that his perceived hostility is simply him expressing his desire to be alone with his soon to be fiance.
 
  • #8
cristo
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He can say how it's going to be, because he already has an engagement ring...he has to be the "ruler" of the house.

I thought you said this was a "new" girlfriend?

We have this rule, no one of the opposite sex upstairs where the bedrooms are. He broke that rule twice...if not more times that we don't know of. Me, being the sneaky little sister, I snuck upstairs....I heard nothing, but she quickly moved when I went to his room....that says something, they/she was trying to hide something.

That isn't really too serious though, is it? How old is your brother? It seems like he just wants to have some private time with his girlfriend.
 
  • #9
Moonbear
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So you're concerned about him being mean and sneaky while you're sneaking around spying on him with his girlfriend? Maybe the changes you're seeing are him getting tired of having a mom and sister butting into his relationship when he's ready to move on to being on his own with a fiance. If he needs to be a man and tell someone how it's going to be, maybe he has...and you're just not happy that it's you he's telling things are going to have to change with.

It seems like you're just trying to sabotage this relationship, telling him things like he has to be a "ruler" of a house.
 
  • #10
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I cried last night for and hour and a half and again this morning for another half an hour. (*Im not one to normally cry either*) My brother has a new girlfriend, don't get me wrong, I like her, but there is something that is not right about the situation. I had a nice long talk with my brother about it, I think I will have a 'lil chat with her and find out what it is. My brother is acting differently, but I don't think it's in a good way. I know she is not here to take my spot, but there is something that's making my brother kinda mean and sneaky. I love him to no end, and I don't want to see him get hurt. I care too much for him. I could go on for hours here, but I just don't know what to do or say at this moment. I told mom and she is going to have a talk with him today. She is slightly worried about him too. We know he is a big boy, but we are still family and that will never change.
I'm sure the new girlfriend is completely evil, but that's probably the point. I get the impression there is a possessiveness about him in your family that he is trying to break free of, and the most drastic way for him to accomplish this is to take up with a girl he knows you'll all disapprove of.
 
  • #11
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He can say how it's going to be, because he already has an engagement ring...he has to be the "ruler" of the house.

First off, what back-water male chauvinistic society were you raised in..?

We have this rule, no one of the opposite sex upstairs where the bedrooms are. He broke that rule twice...if not more times that we don't know of. Me, being the sneaky little sister, I snuck upstairs....I heard nothing, but she quickly moved when I went to his room....that says something, they/she was trying to hide something.

Let me get this straight -- your mom made a rule that your brother's fiance is not allowed in the upper half of the house, and they're not allowed to make out. Well, that's just ridiculously rude and unwelcoming of your mother, and it's no surprise that his fiance doesn't like her. Reminds me of the mother in "Carrie."

It's mostly him being mean to me and mom. He is never like that, NEVER! I almost think she just wants him for his money, not for sure though. I can't pin point what's so different, but there's something...

Maybe he's tired of being patronized and treated like a child? I doubt your mother's going to change but maybe if you are more accepting of him, he'll stop being mean to you
 
  • #12
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Reminds me of the mother in "Carrie."

me of "Everybody Loves Raymond"
 
  • #13
russ_watters
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She's interested in him for his money, but he still lives with his parents? That doesn't compute!
 
  • #14
lisab
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How old is your brother, mcknia?
 
  • #15
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My brother is 21.

She did a few more things, that none of us liked after what I told you all earlier this morning. She is acting like a spoiled little brat and a "meanie", that's me being nice about it. My brother sees our point that we made clear and it was made even more clear by how she was acting like a child (she's 26).

We are a tight family. We all value what the other person has to say about whatever the situation may be.
 
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  • #16
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He's 21? Yet he still lives at home? It sounds to me like he's been a little sheltered in his life.
 
  • #17
Let me get this straight -- your mom made a rule that your brother's fiance is not allowed in the upper half of the house, and they're not allowed to make out. Well, that's just ridiculously rude and unwelcoming of your mother, and it's no surprise that his fiance doesn't like her.
Its a little thing called respect. If its her house then they are her rules. Sneaking around and being a jerk are not respectful means of disagreeing with the rules.
I once went out with a girl who had agreed to the rule with her roomie that there would not be any hanky panky in the house when they were both home. Is that rude and unwelcoming? Or just the rules?


junglebeast said:
Maybe he's tired of being patronized and treated like a child? I doubt your mother's going to change but maybe if you are more accepting of him, he'll stop being mean to you
Maybe he oughtn't be living with mom then? This seems like the sort of thing that his fiance is probably brain washing him with. And it is something that he should accept as an issue he needs to deal with himself, not something he ought to be taking out on his mother and sister.
 
  • #18
First off, what back-water male chauvinistic society were you raised in..?

I was just thinking about this and realized that I had a girlfriend whose parents were rather traditional conservative types. She lived with them and brought me over a few times. While I was allowed to go into her room with her there was no fooling around allowed. She was quite intent on following those rules and I never questioned it. The idea of fooling around with a girl in her parents house was sort of uncomfortable, and the fact that her father was deputy sheriff only increased that discomfort.
It seems rather typical that it is considered respectful to not fool around with a girl in her parents house. On the other hand it seems typical to think a male should be allowed to bring the girl home to his parents house (particularly if the father is not around) and do as he pleases.
Isn't that a bit of a male chauvinist idea?
 
  • #19
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I lived at home til I was 23 (til I was finished studying), I don't call that being sheltered, I call that not being able to pay for studying and rent without a job, because I was studying full time.
 
  • #20
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I think getting engaged at 21 is a little early though, but he probably felt like he had to because she is older and her "clock" is ticking, which I'm sure she mentioned. I had a similar situation when I went out with a girl a few years older than me.
 
  • #21
cristo
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Maybe he oughtn't be living with mom then? This seems like the sort of thing that his fiance is probably brain washing him with. And it is something that he should accept as an issue he needs to deal with himself, not something he ought to be taking out on his mother and sister.

How do you know he's being brainwashed? Perhaps, as mentioned above, he just wants some time alone with his fiance, and since he's at home and clearly being treated like a child, he feels he needs to sneak around in order to get such alone time. Presumably, if he was given some leeway and shown that he was being trusted, such sneaking around would not happen.
 
  • #22
How do you know he's being brainwashed? Perhaps, as mentioned above, he just wants some time alone with his fiance, and since he's at home and clearly being treated like a child, he feels he needs to sneak around in order to get such alone time. Presumably, if he was given some leeway and shown that he was being trusted, such sneaking around would not happen.

Note use of the word "probably". I am assuming some trust here of what McKnia has related; that they have been a close and trusting family, that her brother has been acting differently, that the fiance has been disrespectful, and that she believes the fiance has been the cause of the changes in her brother. I am also drawing somewhat from personal experience. I have often seen men, particularly young men, being brainwashed by their girlfriends to believe that their family and friends do not respect them which often leads to them disrespecting their friends and family. I have even had girlfriends myself that tried this on me. It seems that they do not necessarily mean ill by it but generally do so because they do not like to see their "man" treated like less than a "man".

I certainly have little reason to trust McKnia's perception of the matter but even less reason to distrust it. I was also a bit taken aback by how harsh so many posters have been about her concern for her brother.

Edit: As for "clearly being treated like a child" I believe I have already made rather reasonable arguments to the effect that he should not be treating his family poorly over this perception.
 
  • #23
cristo
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Edit: As for "clearly being treated like a child" I believe I have already made rather reasonable arguments to the effect that he should not be treating his family poorly over this perception.

I don't: sure, a son should respect his mother's wishes, but then a mother should also respect a son. It's one thing having a rule that you shouldn't "muck around" with bf/gf at your parents' house (this is pretty obvious, isn't it, as a sign of respect?), but having to make up a rule to stop gf/bf going upstairs is clearly showing no respect towards the son... it's the sort of thing you do to children to get them to follow rules, certainly not something you do to a 21 year old!

Regardless, I would think that this problem will solve itself when he moves out.. afterall, that's bound to happen soon, isn't it?
 
  • #24
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yeah, get married and then keep living with your folks... especially when they don't like you being in the same room together. :rolleyes:
 
  • #25
I don't: sure, a son should respect his mother's wishes, but then a mother should also respect a son. It's one thing having a rule that you shouldn't "muck around" with bf/gf at your parents' house (this is pretty obvious, isn't it, as a sign of respect?), but having to make up a rule to stop gf/bf going upstairs is clearly showing no respect towards the son... it's the sort of thing you do to children to get them to follow rules, certainly not something you do to a 21 year old!
From what McKnia says it seems it isn't something that was made up to suit the purpose but has been the general rule. If he did not like it he could talk to his mom about an exception considering the circumstances, and maybe he did, but the house is not his and he has no right to flout the rules simply because he does not agree and finds them inconvenient. If you live in someone else's house and dismiss their rules because you do not like them you are being disrespectful, end of story. It is nothing so oppressive that he can not respect his mothers wishes and find somewhere else to spend time alone with his fiance. Nor do I find her request unreasonable. If I were a parent I certainly would not want to accidentally hear or find my son rucking in my home, and at that age most certainly would not trust him not to do so. I was 21 once and would not have trusted myself.

It is a common thing for someone his age to do though (flouting the rules he doesn't like) and I think some of our members may have found better means of conveying this to McKnia than they have. She seems genuinely concerned about her brother, whether she is being a bit niave or not, and I get the impression that her mother is just as concerned and has no grudge or desire to treat her son disrespectfully.

Edit: My apologies in regards to comments about our members reactions. I just reread the thread and realized that I have over blown the perceived harshness in my mind.

Cristo said:
Regardless, I would think that this problem will solve itself when he moves out.. afterall, that's bound to happen soon, isn't it?
I most certainly hope so. Married and living with one's parents can be rough. My mother and stepfather lived with my grandparents for years and it was nothing but trouble. My mother doesn't even speak with her parents much anymore and finds them little more than an annoyance. "Oh poor me" complaints and selfrighteous attitudes have been the hallmark of my family's dysfunction.
 
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  • #26
drizzle
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I cried last night for and hour and a half and again this morning for another half an hour. (*Im not one to normally cry either*) My brother has a new girlfriend, don't get me wrong, I like her, but there is something that is not right about the situation. I had a nice long talk with my brother about it, I think I will have a 'lil chat with her and find out what it is. My brother is acting differently, but I don't think it's in a good way. I know she is not here to take my spot, but there is something that's making my brother kinda mean and sneaky. I love him to no end, and I don't want to see him get hurt. I care too much for him. I could go on for hours here, but I just don't know what to do or say at this moment. I told mom and she is going to have a talk with him today. She is slightly worried about him too. We know he is a big boy, but we are still family and that will never change.

I think the most important point is that you should avoid showing any kind of anger or disrespect towards him, he might jump into bad assumptions especially with that girl besides him. maybe you should talk to your brother [in private, go for a walk or so] and tell him no matter is his decision about that girl it’s his call, and you and your mom won’t interfere, and would always care for him. but most of all, tell him that family is something rare he wouldn’t find another family but he could find another gf, he can start a new life but that doesn’t mean he should break up with his family or be rough ..you know sort of that [note; don’t lecture him, just tell him kindly and he’ll get it... been in the same situation:rolleyes:]
 
  • #27
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It is a common thing for someone his age to do though (flouting the rules he doesn't like)



I would say "flouting rules that make no sense". Let's say I make a rule that everyone in my house should be naked....
 
  • #28
Moonbear
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Regardless, I would think that this problem will solve itself when he moves out.. afterall, that's bound to happen soon, isn't it?

I would hope so. It sounds like he's outgrown that house and is ready to have his own place and follow his own rules. Note that some people get engaged but do not rush right into marriage, and engagements have been broken too. Nonetheless, if he's being raised with such draconian rules that he can't invite someone upstairs in the house, and such antiquated notions that men need to rule the house (as long as they listen to their mommy :rolleyes:), he may have some of those ideas still clinging to him as well that he feels it necessary to be engaged before living with a woman.
 
  • #29
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The whole being upstair alone with the opposite sex, is just a general rule. It applies to me too, we have never broken it before, of all things for my brother to break them, it was just odd....like someone said, she kinda was brainwashing him. He told me today that while he was at work, and she knows he is at work and can't really get away too easily, she called and left an 8 min. voice mail and left around 7 text messages. She just seems to be very insecure about herself. The other day, she called like 8 times within 20 minutes, yeah, it was pretty annoying, and my brother thought so too. There is no longer any talk for the engagement, he sees a few things now that he really doesn't like and they have been slowling coming out. (sad part is...she is starting to remind us of one of his old ex's...not a good thing) lol.

As for what drizzle said, I did have a nice talk with him and he saw I was sincere and concerned and he took it to heart. He realized that she was trying to push him away from something that he dearly loves (the fire department), she hate the fact that when we talk about it, she gives my mother and I some very evil looks, and it's not our fault he loves it. We grew up around around it, it's just part of who we are.

We made it clear to him, that we really do like her, it's all up to him what he wants to do and how he wants to handle everything. He is not a little boy anymore and he knows he doesn't have to agree with everything we say, he has his own mind and knows how to use it and make the right decistions. We will forever love him and he will always be apart of us.
 
  • #30
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A 26 year old woman should not be dating a 21 year old guy. That is a very big difference. Its 6 years, but those 6 years correspond to about 20 in terms of maturity and life experiences. I'm 24, and I can hardly relate to a 21 year old anymore. I'm very different from when I turned 21 in some areas, but the same in others.
 

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