So somehow I don't really find relationships rewarding anymore, yet I still desire them. Nowadays I only find them rewarding if I do weird things and get a reaction out of the other person (for the lulz). I love being a self-parody of myself, and I love degrading myself, cuz it's so funny. But it gets old to people quick. I'm loss-averse, so I don't want to lose any friendships/relationships. But I've noticed that I've been valuing my own time more (since I have to study a lot), and every time spent talking to someone is time that I can't spend getting ahead/catching up in physics/math/bio/astro/atms/ee/cs/etc. So I feel like I have a lot less energy and motivation to say anything (I sort of go on emotional autopilot). This has been happening for a year or two now. I know that sometimes, sufficient excitement can be gained through mutual activities. I guess that means that some time has to be sacrificed for such tasks. But it's kind of sad, since I can only gain excitement through computer games (though I suck at them) or lulz, which aren't the types of things that most other people gain consistent excitement out of. I know that I can try new things out, but I almost always have to force myself to gain any excitement over them (which usually fails). == Like, there's this girl I hang out a lot with. We don't really do anything other than share information and kiss. And then say the same things repeatedly cuz we're both insecure. And then I try to look for exciting things to make her laugh. But that's pretty much it. The things she likes to do are somewhat boring to me, even though i try to make myself like them.