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Everyone bow to TED CHRIST

  1. Mar 5, 2004 #1

    megashawn

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    http://www.tedjesuschristgod.org/tjcgttb/tjcgttb_thetjcgcommandments.htm

    hehehe, this is too funny, its a huge list of "Do not do" that essentially forbids everything but eating, breathing, and married sex.

    Here's some of my favorites:

    Do not have sex with any child and a child is religiously defined to be any that are not old enough to reproduce.

    Do not neglect to marry off your daughter soon after she starts her period and starts to bleed periodically because when doing this she is adult for a human and is old enough to reproduce and is ready and is old enough to be and should be getting married!

    If in a marriage and a wife do not try to compete with or be above the husband.

    Do not if a women or female ride horses or riding animal straddling the horse or riding animal because this can and does make her have orgasms and multiple orgasms and is considered having sex with that animal.

    Do not if a women or female straddle a motorcycle and ride a motorcycle or be given a ride because this is not proper and she can have orgasms from the vibrations.

    Do not video tape any sex act.

    Do not video record persons having sex without their consent.

    _____

    So, the question, not that it really needs to be asked, is this guy for real? He sure seems to think so. My question, how has he avoided the psycholigists for so long?
     
    Last edited: Mar 9, 2004
  2. jcsd
  3. Mar 5, 2004 #2
    That's the funniest crap I've seen this week!
     
  4. Mar 5, 2004 #3

    megashawn

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    TED DAMNIT!

    I forgot, remember Omega Christ?

    Well, I tried pulling his site up now, it seems a german has taken it over and posted 3 pictures of kittens.

    Dang, I was going to suggest a duel between the 2 on live tv to see who the real savior is.

    Ted Christ vs Omega Christ

    Fight to the death

    Pay per view only!
     
  5. Mar 5, 2004 #4

    Evo

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    He forgot to forbid exercise bikes.
     
  6. Mar 6, 2004 #5

    megashawn

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    Well, as long as it is properly installed, and doesn't vibrate, it shouldn't provoke multiple orgasms, so one shouldn't have to worry about having sex with a bike.

    Ted bless you
     
  7. Mar 7, 2004 #6

    Math Is Hard

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    Well, this commandment explains why he's not taking his meds:

    "Do not take any over the counter and prescription and illegal Drugs also called Pharmaceuticals. These can and many do cause PERMANENT DAMAGE to vital organs. This is 100 to 1000 to 10K times more lethal for you than the eating of pork and unclean meats!"

    Also, I thought this commandment would have been closer to the top of the list:

    "Do not be an Atheist."

    "www.tedjesuschristgod.org/tjcgttb/tjcgttb_thetjcgcommandments.htm"

    (I am putting the link in quotes to see if I can get the whole address in)
     
  8. Mar 7, 2004 #7
    Some of Ted's more relavent commandments:
    -Do not verbalize Ted in a swearing tone.
    -Do not Mass Murder.
    -Do not cut of the balls of any man that is called castration.
    -If a Human then do not have sex with animals.
    -Do not get into the movie or television or entertainment industry.
    -Do not eat people.
    -Do not make hard core pornography.
    -Do not Mickey anybodies drink.
    -Do not defecate on anybody for any reason or rub this on anybody for any reasons including for sex.
    -Do not pee on anybody for any reason including for sex.
    -Do not commit sodomy and then have sex with her in the vagina after that because this causes her to get infected.
    -Do not strangle anybody while having sex.
    -Do not bite anybody too hard while having sex.(I guess god thinks nibbling can be sexy?)
    -Do not participate in Exotic Erotic Balls.
    -Do not put or rub semen on a women or female that you were having sexual intercourse with.
    -Do not put your penis between a women or females breast and have sex and then ejaculate on her.(Jeez, god wants to take all the fun out of sex...)
    -Do not threaten people unless these deserve to be threatened.
    -Do not take source code from anybody if you do not have complete permission.
    -Do not participate in wishing or wishing wells or wishing before blowing out the candles of a birthday cake or the making of wishes.
    -Do not watch and listen to rock concerts. Almost ALL of this is from Evil. These are NOT LightSide Humans. These are DarkSide Humans. Satan or Devil and Demons possess the audience. Satan or Devil and Demons are pupating or Possessing the performers.
    -Do not have sex with self.
    -Do not make bombs and have fun with them.
    -Do not fart out loud or around people. Do this in a bathroom if possible.
     
  9. Mar 7, 2004 #8

    Math Is Hard

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    I don't think the New Testament ever covered this subject...

    "If married and there is a GOOD reasons for this and the husband SPANKS the wife it is that she is NOT to call the police on the husband unless this is too severe and she is bleeding or enormously bruised. This is NOT to be too severe and you spank children and you can SPANK your wife and this minimum! You can and are to have her strip nude or strip her nude and then SPANK her hard to enormously hard on her butt and only there and NOT her back or legs with a hand or paddle or belt if she deserves this! TJCG does NOT agree with slapping the face or slapping or a fist or fists getting used on a wife. TJCG is INSISTING that sometimes a wife can be and is to be treated like a child that NEEDS to be trained."

    -The Book of Marriage and Living Together and Living With, TJCG

     
  10. Mar 8, 2004 #9
    I still can't get the link to his commandements to work. Does this mean I'm not saved?
     
  11. Mar 8, 2004 #10

    Evo

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    Sorry, eternal hell fire for you zooby. Broken one of those commandments, eh?
     
  12. Mar 9, 2004 #11

    megashawn

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    NOOOOOOO

    Zooby, I'm sorry, I have corrected the link, hopefully ted will bless us for my mistake and forgive us both.

    and in case it quits working again, try this one;

    http://www.tedjesuschristgod.org/

    on the left, click "Third testaments to the Bible", then scroll down until you see the link titled "TJCG Commandments"

    anyone see his views on energy? Check this out:

    http://www.tedjesuschristgod.org/tjcgttb/tjcgttb_energy.htm
     
  13. Mar 9, 2004 #12
    Oh, my goodness, THANKS megashawn!

    It works now. That was close!! (I could feel the heat!)

    -Zooby
     
  14. Mar 19, 2004 #13
    stupid, its too bad he doesn't have Do not be blasphemous.
     
    Last edited: Mar 19, 2004
  15. Mar 19, 2004 #14

    Njorl

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    "Do not verbalize God in a swearing tone.

    Do not verbalize Christ in a swearing tone.

    Do not verbalize Lord or anything similar in a swearing tone.

    Do not verbalize Jesus in a swearing tone.

    Do not verbalize Ted in a swearing tone"


    I particularly like that last one.

    Njorl
     
  16. Mar 19, 2004 #15

    Math Is Hard

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    Teddammit, Njorl! You're always right!
     
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