Flex is a sad boy

  • #1
FlexGunship
Gold Member
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My girlfriend was supposed to move in this Friday. We had planned it for a while and we were both really excited. Yesterday her ex-boyfriend convinced her parents, who had disowned her when she was 18, to allow her back into their lives if she agreed to marry him.

Last night she texted to tell me it was all over. That she wasn't going to miss a chance to be with her family for anything.

She was a really great girl. I was working really hard to give her all of the things she was missing in life. I had gotten her a cheap car to drive. I would read to her at night (she said it helped her get to sleep), and when she called in the middle of the night because of nightmares (a rape survivor) I would make up a story on the spot to help her fall asleep again.

I learned her favorite song on the piano and I would try to sing it for her. She loved going for drives with me and was my cute little cheerleader at bowling.

It just hurts, that's all. I have a really big hole in my heart today. I would really like it if some of you folks could come up with nice or reassuring things to say.

Note: Yes, it's a little more complicated than this, but I don't exactly feel like reliving the details right now.
 

Answers and Replies

  • #2
cristo
Staff Emeritus
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That totally sucks, I'm sorry to hear about it. There's nothing I can really say, but in the future I'm sure you'll look back and see that if a girl is willing to ditch you at the drop of a hat then she could well do it for anything. Sure, family is important, but there's bound to be another solution.

As for the guy who's emotionally blackmailed the girl into marrying her, well, he sounds like a total twat.
 
  • #3
FlexGunship
Gold Member
399
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As for the guy who's emotionally blackmailed the girl into marrying her, well, he sounds like a total twat.

He is. She was abused as a child, her first boyfriend got her pregnant then beat the baby out of her (sorry, but it's true). Then this guy was her roommate and took advantage of her vulnerability. Then got lazy and they both moved in with his parents. They used her like a slave (I heard some awful things while I was on the phone with her... mostly from his mother), but it was the first time in her life that she wasn't being hit and she felt safe.

She responded to a personal ad I put out and basically said, "I don't know how to leave, but I want to get out so badly." She had broken up with her boyfriend but she had no where else to go. We dated a bit and she spent weekends at my place. When she was raped (while out for the night with her ex-boyfriend and his friends), she wouldn't talk to anyone. But I read her a book for four hours so she could fall asleep. The next morning she talked to me, but didn't talk to anyone else for days.

She caves in very easily to avoid arguments (because she associates them with hitting), and will never stand up to anyone. Sometimes I would have to ask her over and over to find out what she wanted because she would just say whatever I wanted to hear. I worked so hard to be the first man in her life that would give her everything she wanted.

We were so happy.
 
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  • #4
Borek
Mentor
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Sad. Sounds like an old truth - once a victim always a victim - hits again.

Could be in a long run that's better for you. With her luggage of experience she could be a difficult partner in a future.
 
  • #5
FlexGunship
Gold Member
399
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Could be in a long run that's better for you. With her luggage of experience she could be a difficult partner in a future.

You might be right, but I really, genuinely, wanted to be that strong guy for her. Always there to support her. A bastion of stability in a life that was so hard for her.

When we were sleeping sometimes she would start to whimper and call out: "no... stop..." in her sleep. I would lean over her and say calmly into her ear: "It's okay, baby... you're safe... everything is fine... I'm here, hun." Sometimes she wouldn't even wake up, but she would always calm down.

Her ex-boyfriend (now current re-boyfriend) refuses to deal with the problem. Obviously, they've been in separate rooms for a long time now, but he tells her to "quit being so dramatic" when she would seek comfort from him.
 
  • #6
radou
Homework Helper
3,120
7
Sorry to hear about that. It will pass faster than you think, and there are plenty of other fish in the sea (and specially fish without such a morbid past) - I'm sure you know that perfectly well. Hang in there! :wink:
 
  • #7
Topher925
1,565
7
Nothing else to say but you can do better than a girl that will stab you in the back on the whim of another mans gesture.

Keep fishin.
 
  • #8
BobG
Science Advisor
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1) You're a rescuer. That's always going to cause you some pain in your life. Whether being a rescuer is good or bad, who can say, but the pain part goes along with the territory, because...

2) All to often, the rescuee only needs rescuing - which is not the same as needing you. Your task in their life is only temporary, hence the pain.

3) Theoretically, their gratitude for being rescued would be so great that they would spend the rest of their life with you to repay the debt they owe you. Uh, there's a little problem with that even in the best of worlds. Do you really want them to spend the rest of their life with you solely because of a past debt? And, in reality, they can only repay the debt for so long.

You might find better success if you join some sort of humanitarian organization.

1) You'll relieve some of that unquenchable desire to rescue people in need.

2) You'll associate with other rescuers and maybe, just maybe, you'll find someone that you can team up with in your rescue attempts. Even though those rescuees are only a temporary part of your life, your fellow rescuer might be a lot longer lasting part of your life.
 
  • #9
Lacy33
252
1
Sad. Sounds like an old truth - once a victim always a victim - hits again.

Could be in a long run that's better for you. With her luggage of experience she could be a difficult partner in a future.

Abused women/men can recover and lead fun giving lives.


But unfortunatly it does not sound like the abuse is over for your girl Flex and she really is "your" girl.
I had a boyfriend very early in life who was like you are to her and he set an example of what real friendship and being in a relationship is.
I kept that memory with me for a hundred years and when the abuse was over in my life I met a man who was just like you are to your girl.
My young guy died years ago. Had he not been gone I would have gone looking for him once I began to grow and heal. Now I am married to someone just like him. The birthday is even the same.
You have done a kindness that is imeasurable. You will never know how much you have done to heal the world through kindness to one.
It would not even be good for you to know how much good you have done.
But {hugs} from someone you took care of 40 years ago, long before you came in this time. :smile:
 
  • #10
Borg
Science Advisor
Gold Member
2,014
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Sad. Sounds like an old truth - once a victim always a victim - hits again.

Could be in a long run that's better for you. With her luggage of experience she could be a difficult partner in a future.
I have to agree with that also. Sorry to hear what you're going through Flex. I ignored red flags like this once and paid for it also. Best wishes.
 
  • #11
Lacy33
252
1
1) You're a rescuer. That's always going to cause you some pain in your life. Whether being a rescuer is good or bad, who can say, but the pain part goes along with the territory, because...

2) All to often, the rescuee only needs rescuing - which is not the same as needing you. Your task in their life is only temporary, hence the pain.

3) Theoretically, their gratitude for being rescued would be so great that they would spend the rest of their life with you to repay the debt they owe you. Uh, there's a little problem with that even in the best of worlds. Do you really want them to spend the rest of their life with you solely because of a past debt? And, in reality, they can only repay the debt for so long.

You might find better success if you join some sort of humanitarian organization.

1) You'll relieve some of that unquenchable desire to rescue people in need.

2) You'll associate with other rescuers and maybe, just maybe, you'll find someone that you can team up with in your rescue attempts. Even though those rescuees are only a temporary part of your life, your fellow rescuer might be a lot longer lasting part of your life.

Bob, I agree with joining a love task force. A lot of times the rescuer becomes the victim. But the givers can not stop themselves. The best place for them is in a structured environment where they have protection.
If Flex continues to grow in this way without becoming too jaded from the pain then he will couple well with another mature giver......Way later.
The key in on protection now. The world is needy and the givers are gone nuts, become sick from the confusion. Structure is the best way to survive.
 
  • #12
Lacy33
252
1
I have to agree with that also. Sorry to hear what you're going through Flex. I ignored red flags like this once and paid for it also. Best wishes.

Now Look you guys! Flying these days does not allow more than one piece of luggage. One bag for everyone. And I'm not kidding.

the young people of today are us yesterday a whole lot smarter and quicker. They have to be. We oldsters left them the remains of a drunkin, sex filled, stonners party mixed in with a lot of science gone bad.

One bag and it's checked for explosives as well.
So our bags are not getting on the plane of the future because they contains potential explosives.
Sorry.
 
  • #13
FlexGunship
Gold Member
399
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Sorry, still kind of in the "I hate my life" mode.
 
  • #14
Lacy33
252
1
Sorry, still kind of in the "I hate my life" mode.

It's OK. Feel your feelings. This will teach you an even higher degree of compassion and make you a very strong healer.
:smile:
 
  • #15
FlexGunship
Gold Member
399
8
It's OK. Feel your feelings. This will teach you an even higher degree of compassion and make you a very strong healer.
:smile:

I just wonder if she was EVER the girl I loved. Could it all have been an act? She laughed at my jokes, built on my dorkiness, she was such a good cuddler, and a wonderful cook, too. She would always jump up to get me a beer, the laundry was always done.

Can that all just be an act?
 
  • #16
brainstorm
563
0
The whole situation sounds insane. Why would a boyfriend manipulate his ex into marrying him by convincing her family to accept her again? Why would a person whose family rejected her accept subjugation to marry a man she didn't love in order to be accepted by family members who don't love her enough to care about subjugating her?

Still, the main problem is that she is willing to cooperate with these kinds of manipulation. If she is not strong enough to think independently and make choices that are "doing the right thing," that would create problems for her and you in the long run, no matter how strong your love would be and remain. Also the fact that she is living the life as a recovering victim makes it basically impossible for her to truly love as long as she is living in the shadow of fear/abuse. It's sad to say, but how can your feelings ever be true when the driving force inside you is survival and avoidance of violence? You can find a person who is a perfectly nice partner but you're still dealing with a worldview shaped by trauma.

If she changes her mind and tells her family and ex that they obviously don't really love her to do that to her, I think you could work with her even if she's not 100% finished with the healing process, but there's no reason to regret her victimization if she is willingly choosing to submit to it again - your regret and sorrow only drags you further into the victim-side of this perverse power-equation that is her life.
 
  • #17
Lacy33
252
1
I just wonder if she was EVER the girl I loved. Could it all have been an act? She laughed at my jokes, built on my dorkiness, she was such a good cuddler, and a wonderful cook, too. She would always jump up to get me a beer, the laundry was always done.

Can that all just be an act?

:bugeye: "She laughed at my jokes, built on my dorkiness, she was such a good cuddler, and a wonderful cook, too. She would always jump up to get me a beer, the laundry was always done." :uhh:

"She would always jump up to get me a beer" :surprised "the laundry was always done." :grumpy:

"Can that all just be an act?"


Yeah! Could be. I'm not sure we are on the same page. Sorry.
 
  • #18
brainstorm
563
0
I just wonder if she was EVER the girl I loved. Could it all have been an act? She laughed at my jokes, built on my dorkiness, she was such a good cuddler, and a wonderful cook, too. She would always jump up to get me a beer, the laundry was always done.

Can that all just be an act?

It probably wasn't an act, but many people can feel and act on real love without having the will to hold on to it. I think it is easier for women to love and lose and love again because they often see themselves as the source of love/pleasure/joy/happiness in a relationship in the first place. Many times, when I talk to women who are fixated on men, it is because the man left them and they are obsessed with him because he had the strength to resist her. Men do this same thing, btw.
 
  • #19
FlexGunship
Gold Member
399
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:bugeye: "She laughed at my jokes, built on my dorkiness, she was such a good cuddler, and a wonderful cook, too. She would always jump up to get me a beer, the laundry was always done." :uhh:

Yeah! Could be. I'm not sure we are on the same page. Sorry.

She just always seemed so happy to do it. And I loved having clothes laid out for me for work. She was so eager to please. I dunno...

I've just never quite been treated that way.
 
  • #20
Lacy33
252
1
She just always seemed so happy to do it. And I loved having clothes laid out for me for work. She was so eager to please. I dunno...

I've just never quite been treated that way.

I hear what you are saying.
I have been looking at what Brainstorm is saying and I think I will read it again. Makes good sense to me.
 
  • #21
FlexGunship
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399
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Ugh... this really hurts. I hate the idea of starting from scratch again. When does it get better? :(
 
  • #22
bp_psy
462
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Ugh... this really hurts. I hate the idea of starting from scratch again. When does it get better? :(

If you get the idea and start going for healthy women. It will probably get better now.:rolleyes:
 
  • #23
Lacy33
252
1
If you get the idea and start going for healthy women. It will probably get better now.:rolleyes:

Perhaps a "healthy" woman would be a good teacher. :smile:
 
  • #24
BobG
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You have done a kindness that is imeasurable. You will never know how much you have done to heal the world through kindness to one.
It would not even be good for you to know how much good you have done.
But {hugs} from someone you took care of 40 years ago, long before you came in this time. :smile:

:bugeye: "She laughed at my jokes, built on my dorkiness, she was such a good cuddler, and a wonderful cook, too. She would always jump up to get me a beer, the laundry was always done." :uhh:

"She would always jump up to get me a beer" :surprised "the laundry was always done." :grumpy:

"Can that all just be an act?"


Yeah! Could be. I'm not sure we are on the same page. Sorry.

Poor Lacy. She just found out she hugged a chauvinist pig. :rofl:
 
  • #25
FlexGunship
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Poor Lacy. She just found out she hugged a chauvinist pig. :rofl:

I guess it's true; I don't like the term "chauvinist" though ("pig" is fine). Some women prefer traditional gender roles; I do too. Frankly, I think a lot of women are afraid to be open about that. Feminist propaganda is better at making those women feel bad about what they want more than actually empowering women. In my grief-stricken opinion.
 
  • #26
brainstorm
563
0
Ugh... this really hurts. I hate the idea of starting from scratch again. When does it get better? :(
This is just my opinion at this moment, but I think it slowly gets better as you come to terms with the idea that this state of relationship-less suffering is the default-setting for humans. When you're in a relationship, it feels like such a natural high that you begin to think of it as the way things are supposed to be. Maybe it is in some sense, but that seems to be what causes the loss to be painful. You will slowly get used to living alone, day by day (maybe hour by hour sometimes), and eventually you will feel like you are no longer vulnerable to things that hurt you, even though they are still there inside you. It is really no different than any other process of disciplining yourself through some form of suffering, except it especially sucks in this case because you didn't choose to have the suffering put on you.

I guess it's true; I don't like the term "chauvinist" though ("pig" is fine). Some women prefer traditional gender roles; I do too. Frankly, I think a lot of women are afraid to be open about that. Feminist propaganda is better at making those women feel bad about what they want more than actually empowering women. In my grief-stricken opinion.
What do you want feminism to do, then? Tell women that if they want to make their self-image dependent on what men think of them, go for it? Tell them that if a man treats you like crap when you aren't submissive, go ahead and be submissive because then he'll be nice to you? Then, of course, there are the gender traditions that feminism doesn't really mess with because it favors women, such as expecting men to take initiative so that women have the luxury of responding to someone else's lead instead of taking the lead themselves. Well, I shouldn't generalize because some feminism is pro-active about leadership attitudes and initiative-taking among women. If this makes women feel bad, it is because they are shy or otherwise scared to embrace their power because gender traditionalism has programmed them to feel powerless or bad about themselves for doing so, imo.
 
  • #27
radou
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Then, of course, there are the gender traditions that feminism doesn't really mess with because it favors women, such as expecting men to take initiative so that women have the luxury of responding to someone else's lead instead of taking the lead themselves.

Good point.
 
  • #28
BobG
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Then, of course, there are the gender traditions that feminism doesn't really mess with because it favors women, such as expecting men to take initiative so that women have the luxury of responding to someone else's lead instead of taking the lead themselves. Well, I shouldn't generalize because some feminism is pro-active about leadership attitudes and initiative-taking among women.

Or the other gender traditions feminism doesn't mess with, such as which parent gets custody of the kids after a divorce.

Of course, it should be obvious that that would be so. It is feminism, after all, not equalism. The goal of feminist groups is to promote womens' rights, not equal rights.

Not that some (many even?) of their points aren't valid, but there just shouldn't be confusion about what feminist groups are all about.
 
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  • #29
FlexGunship
Gold Member
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This is just my opinion at this moment, but I think it slowly gets better as you come to terms with the idea that this state of relationship-less suffering is the default-setting for humans. When you're in a relationship, it feels like such a natural high that you begin to think of it as the way things are supposed to be. Maybe it is in some sense, but that seems to be what causes the loss to be painful. You will slowly get used to living alone, day by day (maybe hour by hour sometimes), and eventually you will feel like you are no longer vulnerable to things that hurt you, even though they are still there inside you. It is really no different than any other process of disciplining yourself through some form of suffering, except it especially sucks in this case because you didn't choose to have the suffering put on you.

Meh, hard to argue. Still sucks. :(


What do you want feminism to do, then? Tell women that if they want to make their self-image dependent on what men think of them, go for it? Tell them that if a man treats you like crap when you aren't submissive, go ahead and be submissive because then he'll be nice to you?

Couldn't there be a gray area, where "housewives" and "homemakers" aren't looked down upon as the traditional "pre-feminism problem?" Maybe not. Ignoring the idea that some men are submissive and some women are submissive seems to only alienate them or make them feel "wrong" about their personality. Seems like that's been done to homosexuals for a while.
 
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  • #30
JaredJames
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What happened to el fumo?

It was only a few months back. Wasn't it?
 
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  • #31
FlexGunship
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It was only a few months back. Wasn't it?

I don't fall often, but I fall hard when I do. This situation is very different.
 
  • #32
JaredJames
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I don't fall often, but I fall hard when I do. This situation is very different.

It's only been 2 months though, as sad as the story is it hasn't really been that long to know someone to go from zero to moving in. Or have I completely missed something here?
 
  • #33
brainstorm
563
0
Or the other gender traditions feminism doesn't mess with, such as which parent gets custody of the kids after a divorce.
Actually, it seems that the very notion of "custody" is being eliminated in favor of "joint parenting." Logically, both parents should have the child(ren)'s interest in mind regarding getting the most out of their relationship with both parents and "visitation" by one parent constitutes time for work or leisure for the other. So joint-parenting is a mutually beneficial arrangement.

Of course, it should be obvious that that would be so. It is feminism, after all, not equalism. The goal of feminist groups is to promote womens' rights, not equal rights.
I think this is debated among feminists but I have read feminist philosophy that equates masculinity with dominance and femininity with subjugation, so in this sense the issue is about generally disrupting "dialectics of domination" with special focus on gender (but also other identities such as race, class, sexuality) as identity-arenas in which the logics of domination/submission/subjugation are played out. So I don't think such feminists would promote female domination of men except maybe as a measure to raise consciousness and promote resistance to domination among men or other dominant identities that are traditionally accustomed to being fairly complacent with social-cultural domination since it usually benefits them more than they are bothered by it.

Not that some (many even?) of their points aren't valid, but there just shouldn't be confusion about what feminist groups are all about.
Well, I think confusion about what feminism is about is a central aspect of feminism and one that feminism has embraced as a strength. The more different feminisms there are in disagreement, the more likely it is for enlightening insights to emerge from the discourse, no?

Couldn't there be a gray area, where "housewives" and "homemakers" aren't looked down upon as the traditional "pre-feminism problem?" Maybe not.
Some feminism has struggled to increase recognition of the economic value of homemaker work, for example. Other feminism has argued that such work should not be relegated to women. Both approaches are reasonable and combinable, imo. The ideal would be to value housework AND share it between women and men, along with wage-labor. I think the economy has been struggling with this for a number of years in many different ways, though. One thing seems certain: men are not giving up the wage-labor economy to women in exchange for becoming homemakers and child-rearers. The few that are generally seem to be treated as exceptions to a rule that is not viewed as problematic in practice.

We should maybe start a new thread on feminism since this is a tangent to the OP - although, is that as much of a problem in the relationship section?
 
  • #34
FlexGunship
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Okay, this isn't really cathartic at all anymore. Maybe we could be done? Kind'a' wish I hadn't shared.
 
  • #35
rootX
412
4
I hope you find a normal girl next time once you get over her. There is nothing good in being a savior or changing/protecting others in relationships.

Personally, I try to be unattached when I am in a protector/supporter role but I have never been in a case similar to your one.
 
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