Flirting allowed?

  • #26
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Well, you don't believe in personality types? Let me try again, it depends on who the people are. People are different, have different opinions/values, etc.
Sure.

If things are too unpredictable, without any structure, the relationship will not be able to last.
I'd see that as a lack of spontaneousness, I wouldn't like any 'rules', I'd like to test their limits and expect the other party to do the same.

There has to be a foundation.
Well, what does this have to do with foundation? And why does there have to be one in the first place?

That's why the flirting depends on who is being involved, and the situation.
That's absolutely true, but I don't see what this has to do with structure.
 
  • #27
fictionftw
I think zoobyshoe's post was pretty correct. There are a bunch of reasons why people flirt, but I think the important thing to consider is: is the flirting intentional?

If yes, then you have a problem, and you guys have to talk about something, because intentionally trying to attract someone else while in a relationship means there is probably an issue with the relationship/person.

If no, you first have to decide if it's part of their personality, and if you are the kind of person that can handle that. For some people, a flirtatious, charming demeanor is just a part of their personality. If you are dating a natural flirt, then you should already know this, and so if it bugs you, then you need to either get over it, or end the relationship. I, personally, can get really jealous, which is why I would never date a flirt. I'm never attracted to them either, excessive flirting just seems disingenuous. But, hey, whatever floats your boat. Also, this type of harmless natural flirt, will flirt with anything that moves. I knew this one guy that would chat up small children, old ladies, middle aged men - seriously, ANYBODY was fair game.

If he's not being intentionally flirty, but is nevertheless uncharacteristically flirty (or flirtatious only around attractive, well-endowed women), then I think you have an issue. If your normally attentive-to-you, relaxed boyfriend suddenly becomes VERY interested, very braggy/jokey with the double D waitresses whenever you eat out, then I would be pissed, and I think I would be justified. I think to some degree, guys can't help it if they see something very, um, visually pleasing, but I think if he acts on it by trying to chat up the waitress, then you have a problem, and need to point out his behavior.
 
  • #28
If yes, then you have a problem, and you guys have to talk about something, because intentionally trying to attract someone else while in a relationship means there is probably an issue with the relationship/person.
This is part of why I see there is a problem with construing "attraction" as "sexual attraction". I am "attracted" to all of my friends, male and female. When I meet a person to whom I am "attracted" I attempt to "attract" them to me. Is there some reason why you should necessarily perceive a sexual context in a mans "attraction" to a woman? And is there really necessarily any reason to be concerned about that sexual context? The likelihood seems to be that if a heterosexual male and female are friends there is most likely a sexual context regardless of how strong that context is or the likelihood that they will act on it.
 
  • #29
Lisa!
Gold Member
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96
Whether you tolerate it or not depends on why she's doing it.

If you're a guy and your girl is flirting with someone else right in front of you it means:

1.) She has only been with you cause nothing better has come along. She wants to jump ship.

2.) She's been outright using you (for money, goods, a place to stay, etc.) She sees someone she actually wants to have sex with.

3.) She's really into you and wants to test how into her you are. She's insecure and wants you to get jealous.

4,) She's into you but she thinks you have a possessiveness issue and she's trying to train you to get over it.

5.) She's into you but things have gotten boring between you lately and she wants admiration from a fresh pair of eyes to feel attractive and sparky again.
Add to the list:
She thinks you're too open-minded to care about these stuff:biggrin:
 
  • #30
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And if you're a girl and your guy is flirting with someone else right in front of you it means:(?)

[Your insights fascinate me. I'd like to hear what you think is operating in the opposite direction.]
I'm sorry. I cannot just blurt out the inner workings of the male psyche. You'll have to earn your insights into it through blood, tears, toil, and sweat, just as I earned what meager understanding of women I possess.
 
  • #31
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If this forum had karma you'd get one.

Always a prize to see people realize that one situation can have many different causes, too seldom it is observed.
I'm not sure what "karma" is in forum-speak, but it sounds like a good thing, so thanks!
 
  • #32
No offense but I sense a lot of judgements here are made through personal insecurities which is no better than the flirtie.

I'm friendly with both sexes. I smile, I touch them, and so on. If someone can't handle that, clearly I can't handle them and I cut the rope.

I can not tolerate insecurity.

Sexual flirting is also ok in my books but ONLY if the person has a handle on their sexuality. I see most guys will sleep with any girl period. That guy has no control. If a girl is sexy, I won't shy away from saying it. My girlfriend would think I'm dumb if I didn't check out a hot girl walking by but then again we have different tastes. I won't shy away from saying a guy is good looking either.

Just beware not to make decisions and judgements based on insecurities. I've been a roamer in this forum long enough to know that insecurity is very high here. But that's typical in the general population anyways.
 
  • #33
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If no, you first have to decide if it's part of their personality, and if you are the kind of person that can handle that. For some people, a flirtatious, charming demeanor is just a part of their personality.
This reminded me of something I forgot to put on my list. It applies to both men and women:

6.)They are establishing their worth, value, status, for all to see. (Providing the flirting is reciprocated in all cases,) they are sending (or trying to send) the general message that they are high status, generally attractive, popular people: alphas, leaders, celebrities.
 
  • #34
While musing on this topic at work I remembered a funny and somewhat relevant anecdote.

I was thinking about some women that I have known that were incredibly affectionate and "touchy feely" people. Many unfortunate men fell into the belief that these women were attracted to them due to the manner in which these women interacted with them, myself not excluded. These women were also often undeservedly labeled as sluts because of their rather open and "flirtatious" habits. It might seem by my description that they were just manipulating and using men, many felt that way, but they were really just genuinely sweet and happy people that liked to smile and laugh a lot and get and give hugs and sometimes pecks on the cheek.

Of these women there is only one that to this day I have no idea whether or not she was actually interested in me. At the time I was still incredibly shy and the experience of having been shot down by every single girl I had ever got up the gumption to ask out, which subsequently led most of them to no longer speak to me, left me rather afraid to risk what pleasure I had in spending time with her by actually asking her on a date. The real torture came in the several painfully ambiguous situations with her that I found myself in. That night when she told me she wanted me to come over so she could show me her CD collection I raised an eyebrow and when she followed that up with "Don't worry, my parents aren't home" I could not keep myself from laughing. Knowing her I am certain that she was actually rather keen on showing me her CD collection and that the "coast is clear" signal was really because her parents were oppressively protective of her; we were not allowed in the same room together alone with the door closed.

Its now been about ten years since the last time I was in communication with her, but... just about two years ago I saw her again for the first time at a movie theatre. The problem was, and the point of interest in all of this is, that I was there on a first date with a woman I had recently met. I had already somewhat gotten to know my date before this and I was aware that all of her exboyfriends had cheated on her and she was rather insecure about men and dating. So walking out of the theatre together holding hands I looked up to suddenly find myself faced with, on my first date with this lovely and admittedly insecure woman, a rather unpleasant dilemma; Do I, or do I not, break away from my date and approach a drop dead gorgeous redhead, who will likely light up and throw her arms around my neck, so I can ask her for her phone number and then face the further question of just how upright and honest a fellow to be under the inevitable "Who was she?" line of interrogation? From the opening of this paragraph I am certain you can figure out what my decision was. And my blissfully unaware date of that evening decided two weeks later that we should not date any longer.

Incredibly frustrating, though I can still laugh about it. :-)
 
  • #35
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1
I think zoobyshoe's post was pretty correct. There are a bunch of reasons why people flirt, but I think the important thing to consider is: is the flirting intentional?

If yes, then you have a problem, and you guys have to talk about something, because intentionally trying to attract someone else while in a relationship means there is probably an issue with the relationship/person.
That, or the relationship is so strong that either of you just doesn't care about stuff like that too much?

Claiming you're not attracted to other people and only like your partner is more often than not just lying to your partner and yourself, let it out, it's healthy.
 
  • #36
Claiming you're not attracted to other people and only like your partner is more often than not just lying to your partner and yourself, let it out, it's healthy.
I think that it is a puritan throw back that (here in America at least) we are culturally programmed to believe that when in a committed relationship we are only allowed "platonic" friendships utterly "clean" of any perceived sexual context. It seems to lead people to deny that there is any sexual element to their relationship with people who are "just friends".


edited for blasphemy
 
Last edited:
  • #37
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I think that it is a puritan throw back that (here in America at least) we are culturally programmed to believe that when in a committed relationship we are only allowed "platonic" friendships utterly "clean" of any perceived sexual context. It seems to lead people to deny that there is any sexual element to their relationship with people whom are "just friends".
People lie to themselves a lot more to gain a socially correct impression.

It used to be a mental illness to be able to be turned on by porn, how can that happen when about all people are? Probably because in those days people just all lied to themselves and to others that they weren't and those that were honest were labelled freaks, while in fact all people could be attracted to porn. Reminds me of those Enterprise episodes about the Vulcan restoration, that they can all mind-meld even though they all think almost nobody can, and as much as being able to do it is considered a crime.

whom are "just friends".
Blasphemy.
 
  • #39
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You know what you did wrong, right?
 
  • #40
You know what you did wrong, right?
Yes, and it has been edited. For some reason I have programmed myself with an improper aversion to flirting vowels.
 
  • #41
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It used to be a mental illness to be able to be turned on by porn...
I have to call you on this. Got a link or anything?
 
  • #43
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You said "It used to be a mental illness to be able to be turned on by porn..."

The link, however, describes it (pictophilia) as:

# Sexual arousal gained from pornographic pictures or art

# Recurring intense sexual fantasies involving pornographic pictures or art

# Recurring intense sexual urges involving pornographic pictures or art
Clearly they are not talking about being aroused by a pornographic image, but about being addicted to arousal by pornography:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pornography_addiction

Which, however, is not in the DSM (i.e. is not an officially recognized mental illness).

So, neither being aroused by pornographic pictures, nor even being 'addicted' to that kind of arousal, has ever been classified as a mental illness. Individual therapists might agree to treat someone for it, but they'll agree to treat you for anything you claim is a problem for you.
 
  • #44
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Ah yes, my mistake it seems. Maybe there was something like that though, there've been more strange things like that in the past.
 
  • #45
*digresses further*
Why is it that we hold a double standard, for the most part? Girls in relationships can flirt, but guys get labeled and scorned for harmless flirting...
 
  • #46
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Ah yes, my mistake it seems. Maybe there was something like that though, there've been more strange things like that in the past.
That's true, and I thought you might have been referring to something I hadn't happened to hear of from the very early days of Psychiatry.
 
  • #47
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*digresses further*
Why is it that we hold a double standard, for the most part? Girls in relationships can flirt, but guys get labeled and scorned for harmless flirting...
That double standard exists only in the mind of Lisa!.
 
  • #48
That double standard exists only in the mind of Lisa!.
Lol. But we do, it's very true. At least we do where I live.
 
  • #49
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Lol. But we do, it's very true. At least we do where I live.
I don't find there's a double standard here, where I live. People object, or they don't object, on a case by case basis.
 
  • #50
I don't find there's a double standard here, where I live. People object, or they don't object, on a case by case basis.
There is sometimes a double standard in the perception of the objection. Women who object to a man flirting are generally seen as only standing up for themselves against the macho and insensitive male while men who object to a female flirting are often seen as macho control freaks. It is though perhaps an artifact of culturally defined roles in flirtation. Where male forms of flirting are generally "assertive" female forms of flirting are often more "receptive/submissive". If one is merely being receptive to attention it is much easier to rationalize the defense, "Well I didn't really do anything."
 

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