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Get my friend to use her head?

  1. Oct 6, 2005 #1


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    This is my friend's problem, not mine. I don't know who the guy is, and I'm not telling or answering guesses, because I wouldn't want to embarrass him if I knew him, which I don't. Okay, so...

    My friend is kind of developing a crush on this guy, and I'm trying to convince her to just nip it in the bud, because she doesn't intend to pursue it, and it's just distracting her from other things that she should be doing. I mean, the guy is cool, so she wouldn't mind being friends with him if that happened. But that's all - at least that's all she thinks. I've told her that it will pass, but it doesn't seem to be passing quickly enough; It seems to be growing. She wants to learn about things that he's interested in just so she can talk to him; She gets happy when he's around, even though he's not really even around her; She tries not to think about him, but it doesn't work; And all of those other things.

    So what should I tell her? She tried to find some reason why he's not right for her, but that only made things worse, because the guy is really great. And even some little things that may have been good enough reasons in other cases don't even bother her in this case - in fact, she finds reasons to make those things positive.
    The only negative thing that she can find is that she's starting to feel like she isn't good enough for him. She's never felt inadequate with anyone else, so this is kind of upsetting. But this may be good, because she tries to not be arrogant, and maybe this has uncovered a way in which she has been. But this isn't good in another way, because then he's even helped her realize that she's not been as good as she could be. And he also makes her want to be better.
    So she's been feeling rather sad and frustrated. What am I gonna do with her?
  2. jcsd
  3. Oct 6, 2005 #2

    well i would be inclined to say "butt out" and not to meddle in other people's lovelives, usually meddling makes things worse.

    But, hey, what do i know? :rofl:
  4. Oct 6, 2005 #3


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    :rofl: Eh, it's not my friend - it's me. I thought that was pretty clear. It's just easier to talk about it as if it wasn't me. :yuck: Okay? It's me.
  5. Oct 6, 2005 #4
    Awww... It's really tough. I've had this happen to me quite a few times. Having an obsessively introspective mind doesn't help much, I know. Do you think that any of your other techniques for not thinking about something might help at all?
    I usually find it goes away after a time. You want to make sure not to think about it too much. Don't try because that will get you stuck on it. You want to just do it. And if you can't get it out of your head no matter what you do then just go ahead and embrace it for a while and force yourself to analyze it to death until you really don't want to think about it any more.
    This is what I would do any way.
  6. Oct 6, 2005 #5


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    You have to accept that "falling in love" is not a willed thing. The Greeks thought of Eros as a malicious troublemaker more like the trickster god Loki of Norse mythology than the sweet little Dan Cupid with his bow and arrow.

    You have two choices. Accept that you are physiologically in love with this guy and do something about it, like speak to him and let him know you care for him, or you can continue to fight it, in which case you should avoid him as much as possible. The problem with the first is the risk of heartbreak. The problem with the second is that you will brood all your life about what-if. I speak from experience.

    If you choose the second path, consider a twelve step program - I am sure you can find one online, because this is very similar to breaking a drug addiction. I just saw some research, on rats, where the experimenters got them addicted to cocaine, associated with flashing a light, then tried to break them of the habit, but continued to flash the light; the rats with the flashing light continued to crave the cocaine. Then they "infused" a certain chemical that inhibited a certain reaction at a certain location in the rat's brain. This overcame the reaction to the light and permitted the rats to "get clean". Now I expect research of the future to do something like that about physiological love. The point of the research is that your brain links things you associate with the guy with expression of the craving. Say if you share Latin 303 class with him, then trying to translate a Latin passage will bring your feeling for him up to plague you.
    Last edited: Oct 6, 2005
  7. Oct 6, 2005 #6
    We all feel that way about Smurf. He is just such a great guy :!!)

    Seriously for a second: Just talk to him, see if you really do like him. If he is that great then you should definitely not pass up on the opportunity.
  8. Oct 6, 2005 #7


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    Aw, and there was me thinking that for once I was being unusually intuitive.

    I wish I could offer some advice, but I'm terrible at falling for the wrong person and not being able to get out of it. You wouldn't believe the situation I've put myself in with my current object of affection...
  9. Oct 6, 2005 #8

  10. Oct 6, 2005 #9


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    Falling for the wrong person, matt?

    From what I can tell given only what you've said, it looks to me as if you're falling for the right person. What exactly is wrong with that? I don't think you should nip it in the bud at all. Go for it. It's not everyday that you find a person who can stimulate these great feelings in you, yet you respond by being sad and frustrated? Are you trying to make life more difficult? You seem to have this attitude that you cannot afford to be involved with a man, as if it would take away from other parts of your life? Why, Rachel, why? It doesn't have to be that way. In fact, I cannot think of any time in my life in which I was more productive, in all arenas, than when I was with a wonderful girl named Jenny that constantly made me want to better myself and improve my life, not by pushing, but simply by being a great example of a successful person that I could look up to and even try to outdo. Not to toot my own horn too much, but I believe that I have done the same for several women in my time, helping them to shape their lives into the mold that they wanted, rather than inhibiting them from doing so. Don't be one of those people that automatically has negative view of man/woman relations simply because her parents did not set much of an example. You are not doomed to repeat their failures. Live your own life and be your own person, and I do not mean by that to isolate yourself from the male sex. You should enjoy all of life's pleasures.

    Edit: I remember that thread that hitssquad is quoting from, and that disappoints me. Why prescibe what your life can and cannot bring to you in advance? If you already know exactly what is going to happen over the next eight years, why bother living through them?
    Last edited: Oct 6, 2005
  11. Oct 6, 2005 #10
    :biggrin: That's the first thing I ask myself when someone brings up a problem about "a friend". I mean, how often have you ever actually cared enough about someone else's problem, even if their your friend, to actually bring it up with someone? I know that I certainly don't unless it's paticularly interesting or relevant to a discusison. Most common excuse ever.

    Okay honestrosewater. Now, I know it's me, and I'm sorry. I think you're really great but I'm just not interested in pursuing an internet relationship at the moment. :biggrin: Besides, Evo wouldn't let me.

    Okay, back to reality, I havn't had a serious crush like that in ages. I think that you're obviously letting yourself think that maybe you could ask him out, otherwise it wouldn't have gotten as bad as it sounds now. If you're serious about not dating I wouldn't think it'd be that hard to ignore a mere crush. So that's your first problem.
  12. Oct 6, 2005 #11
    I changed my mind. The answer is definitely to go out and have loads of kinky, wild sex with random men. Use protection.
  13. Oct 6, 2005 #12
    Ohh I see the other thread was something different.

    Still, I think you should definitely pursue a relationship with the guy. 8 years? That is insane! I do see where you are coming from though, as I am the same way with dating women at the moment; however, if the right person came along I would definitely give it a shot, and I think you should definitely give it a shot. What is the worst that could happen? You go back to being dedicated to school, and wait for the next possibly great guy.
    Last edited: Oct 6, 2005
  14. Oct 6, 2005 #13


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    I believe that HRW's love interest is online, which makes how she handles things a bit different. I could be wrong though.
  15. Oct 6, 2005 #14


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    Well, if he's long-distance, that can actually make it easier. A relationship takes up far less of your time when you only see the person at periodic intervals lasting at least several months.
  16. Oct 6, 2005 #15
    I would just let nature run its course. In a years time, you will know if it was right or not. If you end it now, you may never know.
  17. Oct 7, 2005 #16


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    Thanks, you guys are great. :biggrin:
    loseyourname, you made me tear up a little. (I actually started to describe the guy, and he sounded a lot like you. It’s not you though – I’d have no problem telling you.) If you replace ‘poetry’ with romantic ‘relationships’, this 'poem' can help sum up my current position (without reading too much into it).
    I’ve been put off by some of the fakery, but I’m still interested. I’m just not ready for the real toads yet. For now, I want to work and enjoy my picnics insect-free. (Erm – maybe that didn’t explain anything – or maybe the fact that that’s the only way I can explain it explains everything.)

    Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa... okay, I’m cured, I’m cured! :eek: :tongue2: I don’t think I’m falling in love with him any more than I fell in love with Shakespeare or whomever. He barely knows me, and I don’t know him very well either. Evo is right, as expected. I don’t know why I bother trying to keep silly secrets from anyone here. And I don’t want to tell you who he is because... *drumroll* ... you know him (or could easily find out who he was) – and more importantly, he knows himself and could see this. So that secret isn’t silly.

    Telling him isn’t an option until I’m over it or change my mind about other things. It would just make things worse now.

    I don’t want to avoid him either. I want to get rid of the extra stuff, the symptoms of whatever is it that I have, or at least put it to good use. Most of all, I’d like to get rid of the self-conscious feeling, but that may be something I’ll have to work on. I think I'll try TSA and sA’s conditioning idea for this.

    I don’t think I care for him much more than I care for other people. I see things in him that are special. I think I should go for the embracing and letting it run its course but not telling him option and see what happens. If it passes, no harm done. If it doesn’t pass, I guess the readiness is all.
    Yeah, this is Plan B.
    Well, there’s one way to find out...
    Last edited: Oct 7, 2005
  18. Oct 7, 2005 #17
    From this day forward I dedicate my life to preventing Plan A from working, thus forcing you to resort to kinky, wild sex with random men.

    What exactly is plan A?
  19. Oct 7, 2005 #18


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    Um, deal with it quietly and see what happens. Not much foilage to be had there. I go from Plan A to Plan C anyway. B is fifth. It's the American System - you wouldn't understand.
  20. Oct 7, 2005 #19
    I prefer the Brazilian system myself.
  21. Oct 7, 2005 #20


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