Get my friend to use her head?

[honestrosewater]

This is my friend's problem, not mine. I don't know who the guy is, and I'm not telling or answering guesses, because I wouldn't want to embarrass him if I knew him, which I don't. Okay, so...

My friend is kind of developing a crush on this guy, and I'm trying to convince her to just nip it in the bud, because she doesn't intend to pursue it, and it's just distracting her from other things that she should be doing. I mean, the guy is cool, so she wouldn't mind being friends with him if that happened. But that's all - at least that's all she thinks. I've told her that it will pass, but it doesn't seem to be passing quickly enough; It seems to be growing. She wants to learn about things that he's interested in just so she can talk to him; She gets happy when he's around, even though he's not really even around her; She tries not to think about him, but it doesn't work; And all of those other things.

So what should I tell her? She tried to find some reason why he's not right for her, but that only made things worse, because the guy is really great. And even some little things that may have been good enough reasons in other cases don't even bother her in this case - in fact, she finds reasons to make those things positive.
The only negative thing that she can find is that she's starting to feel like she isn't good enough for him. She's never felt inadequate with anyone else, so this is kind of upsetting. But this may be good, because she tries to not be arrogant, and maybe this has uncovered a way in which she has been. But this isn't good in another way, because then he's even helped her realize that she's not been as good as she could be. And he also makes her want to be better.
So she's been feeling rather sad and frustrated. What am I going to do with her?

 

[comwiz72]

hmmm...

well i would be inclined to say "butt out" and not to meddle in other people's lovelives, usually meddling makes things worse.

But, hey, what do i know? :rofl:

 

[honestrosewater]

:rofl: Eh, it's not my friend - it's me. I thought that was pretty clear. It's just easier to talk about it as if it wasn't me. :yuck: Okay? It's me.

 

[TheStatutoryApe]

Awww... It's really tough. I've had this happen to me quite a few times. Having an obsessively introspective mind doesn't help much, I know. Do you think that any of your other techniques for not thinking about something might help at all?
I usually find it goes away after a time. You want to make sure not to think about it too much. Don't try because that will get you stuck on it. You want to just do it. And if you can't get it out of your head no matter what you do then just go ahead and embrace it for a while and force yourself to analyze it to death until you really don't want to think about it any more.
This is what I would do any way.

 

[selfAdjoint]

You have to accept that "falling in love" is not a willed thing. The Greeks thought of Eros as a malicious troublemaker more like the trickster god Loki of Norse mythology than the sweet little Dan Cupid with his bow and arrow.

You have two choices. Accept that you are physiologically in love with this guy and do something about it, like speak to him and let him know you care for him, or you can continue to fight it, in which case you should avoid him as much as possible. The problem with the first is the risk of heartbreak. The problem with the second is that you will brood all your life about what-if. I speak from experience.

If you choose the second path, consider a twelve step program - I am sure you can find one online, because this is very similar to breaking a drug addiction. I just saw some research, on rats, where the experimenters got them addicted to cocaine, associated with flashing a light, then tried to break them of the habit, but continued to flash the light; the rats with the flashing light continued to crave the cocaine. Then they "infused" a certain chemical that inhibited a certain reaction at a certain location in the rat's brain. This overcame the reaction to the light and permitted the rats to "get clean". Now I expect research of the future to do something like that about physiological love. The point of the research is that your brain links things you associate with the guy with expression of the craving. Say if you share Latin 303 class with him, then trying to translate a Latin passage will bring your feeling for him up to plague you.

 

[mattmns]

We all feel that way about Smurf. He is just such a great guy :!)

Seriously for a second: Just talk to him, see if you really do like him. If he is that great then you should definitely not pass up on the opportunity.

 

[matthyaouw]

:rofl: Eh, it's not my friend - it's me. I thought that was pretty clear. It's just easier to talk about it as if it wasn't me. :yuck: Okay? It's me.

Aw, and there was me thinking that for once I was being unusually intuitive.

I wish I could offer some advice, but I'm terrible at falling for the wrong person and not being able to get out of it. You wouldn't believe the situation I've put myself in with my current object of affection...

 

[hitssquad]

Just talk to him, see if you really do like him. If he is that great then you should definitely not pass up on the opportunity.

physicsforums.com/showthread.php?p=685751&highlight=8+years#post685751

I'm not interested in having a relationship with anyone- even if my absolute dream man came along, it would just have to wait. Honestly. I've already said this. I even guessed at how long the wait would be- 8 years.

 

[loseyourname]

Falling for the wrong person, matt?

From what I can tell given only what you've said, it looks to me as if you're falling for the right person. What exactly is wrong with that? I don't think you should nip it in the bud at all. Go for it. It's not everyday that you find a person who can stimulate these great feelings in you, yet you respond by being sad and frustrated? Are you trying to make life more difficult? You seem to have this attitude that you cannot afford to be involved with a man, as if it would take away from other parts of your life? Why, Rachel, why? It doesn't have to be that way. In fact, I cannot think of any time in my life in which I was more productive, in all arenas, than when I was with a wonderful girl named Jenny that constantly made me want to better myself and improve my life, not by pushing, but simply by being a great example of a successful person that I could look up to and even try to outdo. Not to toot my own horn too much, but I believe that I have done the same for several women in my time, helping them to shape their lives into the mold that they wanted, rather than inhibiting them from doing so. Don't be one of those people that automatically has negative view of man/woman relations simply because her parents did not set much of an example. You are not doomed to repeat their failures. Live your own life and be your own person, and I do not mean by that to isolate yourself from the male sex. You should enjoy all of life's pleasures.

Edit: I remember that thread that hitssquad is quoting from, and that disappoints me. Why prescibe what your life can and cannot bring to you in advance? If you already know exactly what is going to happen over the next eight years, why bother living through them?

 

[Smurf]

Aw, and there was me thinking that for once I was being unusually intuitive.

That's the first thing I ask myself when someone brings up a problem about "a friend". I mean, how often have you ever actually cared enough about someone else's problem, even if their your friend, to actually bring it up with someone? I know that I certainly don't unless it's paticularly interesting or relevant to a discusison. Most common excuse ever.

Okay honestrosewater. Now, I know it's me, and I'm sorry. I think you're really great but I'm just not interested in pursuing an internet relationship at the moment. Besides, Evo wouldn't let me.

Okay, back to reality, I havn't had a serious crush like that in ages. I think that you're obviously letting yourself think that maybe you could ask him out, otherwise it wouldn't have gotten as bad as it sounds now. If you're serious about not dating I wouldn't think it'd be that hard to ignore a mere crush. So that's your first problem.

 

[Smurf]

I changed my mind. The answer is definitely to go out and have loads of kinky, wild sex with random men. Use protection.

 

[mattmns]

Ohh I see the other thread was something different.

Still, I think you should definitely pursue a relationship with the guy. 8 years? That is insane! I do see where you are coming from though, as I am the same way with dating women at the moment; however, if the right person came along I would definitely give it a shot, and I think you should definitely give it a shot. What is the worst that could happen? You go back to being dedicated to school, and wait for the next possibly great guy.

 

[Evo]

I believe that HRW's love interest is online, which makes how she handles things a bit different. I could be wrong though.

 

[loseyourname]

I believe that HRW's love interest is online, which makes how she handles things a bit different. I could be wrong though.

Well, if he's long-distance, that can actually make it easier. A relationship takes up far less of your time when you only see the person at periodic intervals lasting at least several months.

 

[hypatia]

I would just let nature run its course. In a years time, you will know if it was right or not. If you end it now, you may never know.

 

[honestrosewater]

Thanks, you guys are great.
loseyourname, you made me tear up a little. (I actually started to describe the guy, and he sounded a lot like you. It’s not you though – I’d have no problem telling you.) If you replace ‘poetry’ with romantic ‘relationships’, this 'poem' can help sum up my current position (without reading too much into it).

Poetry​

I too, dislike it: there are things that are important beyond all this fiddle.
Reading it, however, with a perfect contempt for it, one discovers that there is in
it after all, a place for the genuine.
Hands that can grasp, eyes
that can dilate, hair that can rise
if it must, these things are important not because a

high sounding interpretation can be put upon them but because they are
useful; when they become so derivative as to become unintelligible,
the same thing may be said for all of us, that we
do not admire what
we cannot understand: the bat,
holding on upside down or in quest of something to

eat, elephants pushing, a wild horse taking a roll, a tireless wolf under
a tree, the immovable critic twitching his skin like a horse that feels a flea, the base
ball fan, the statistician --
nor is it valid
to discriminate against "business documents and

school-books": all these phenomena are important. One must make a distinction
however: when dragged into prominence by half poets, the result is not poetry,
nor till the poets among us can be
"literalists of
the imagination" -- above
insolence and triviality and can present

for inspection, imaginary gardens with real toads in them, shall we have
it. In the meantime, if you demand on one hand,
the raw material of poetry in
all its rawness and
that which is on the other hand
genuine, then you are interested in poetry.​

____
Marianne Moore - http://eir.library.utoronto.ca/rpo/display/poem1488.html

I’ve been put off by some of the fakery, but I’m still interested. I’m just not ready for the real toads yet. For now, I want to work and enjoy my picnics insect-free. (Erm – maybe that didn’t explain anything – or maybe the fact that that’s the only way I can explain it explains everything.)

You have to accept that "falling in love"

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa... okay, I’m cured, I’m cured! :tongue2: I don’t think I’m falling in love with him any more than I fell in love with Shakespeare or whomever. He barely knows me, and I don’t know him very well either. Evo is right, as expected. I don’t know why I bother trying to keep silly secrets from anyone here. And I don’t want to tell you who he is because... *drumroll* ... you know him (or could easily find out who he was) – and more importantly, he knows himself and could see this. So that secret isn’t silly.

Telling him isn’t an option until I’m over it or change my mind about other things. It would just make things worse now.

I don’t want to avoid him either. I want to get rid of the extra stuff, the symptoms of whatever is it that I have, or at least put it to good use. Most of all, I’d like to get rid of the self-conscious feeling, but that may be something I’ll have to work on. I think I'll try TSA and sA’s conditioning idea for this.

I don’t think I care for him much more than I care for other people. I see things in him that are special. I think I should go for the embracing and letting it run its course but not telling him option and see what happens. If it passes, no harm done. If it doesn’t pass, I guess the readiness is all.

I changed my mind. The answer is definitely to go out and have loads of kinky, wild sex with random men. Use protection.

Yeah, this is Plan B.

You wouldn't believe the situation I've put myself in with my current object of affection...

Well, there’s one way to find out...

 

[Smurf]

Yeah, this is Plan B.

From this day forward I dedicate my life to preventing Plan A from working, thus forcing you to resort to kinky, wild sex with random men.

What exactly is plan A?

 

[honestrosewater]

From this day forward I dedicate my life to preventing Plan A from working, thus forcing you to resort to kinky, wild sex with random men.

What exactly is plan A?

Um, deal with it quietly and see what happens. Not much foilage to be had there. I go from Plan A to Plan C anyway. B is fifth. It's the American System - you wouldn't understand.

 

[Smurf]

Um, deal with it quietly and see what happens. Not much foilage to be had there. I go from Plan A to Plan C anyway. B is fifth. It's the American System - you wouldn't understand.

I prefer the Brazilian system myself.

 

[honestrosewater]

I prefer the Brazilian system myself.

Really? http://www.femail.com.au/brazilianwax.htm

 

[whozum]

Talk to him, there's no other way.

I thought you were married..?

 

[matthyaouw]

That's the first thing I ask myself when someone brings up a problem about "a friend". I mean, how often have you ever actually cared enough about someone else's problem, even if their your friend, to actually bring it up with someone? I know that I certainly don't unless it's paticularly interesting or relevant to a discusison. Most common excuse ever.

Galileo is a creationist??!?
Ok, I'll be quiet now...

 

[El Hombre Invisible]

Just for clarity, what precisely is the problem? You have a crush on a man who you know through the internet. Some kind of video conference thing? But you know it can't go anywhere cause you're destined never to meet?

How about not conferencing with this bloke until your infatuation ends? Out of sight, out of mind, they say. If someone had given Romeo and Juliet that advice, there would have been far less bloodshed. Woulda made a fricken boring play, though.

Or is the problem that you have multiple personalities? Or your friend does?

 

[matthyaouw]

Falling for the wrong person, matt?

Yeah. There's an obstacle or two here...

 

[Lisa!]

But she can't stay away from here forever. You know sometimes you get over it when you don't see someone for awhile, but everything get started the moment you see him/her again. And of course Rose mentioned she even doesn't see him around most of time.

Now we should guess who's this lucky man?

 

[honestrosewater]

No, I'm not married.

Some kind of video conference thing?

No, on a forum. A physics forum. Do I have spell everything out for you guys?

But you know it can't go anywhere cause you're destined never to meet?

No, because I don't want it to go anywhere.

How about not conferencing with this bloke until your infatuation ends? Out of sight, out of mind, they say. If someone had given Romeo and Juliet that advice, there would have been far less bloodshed. Woulda made a fricken boring play, though.

I don't want to avoid him. Oy, I think I'm getting over it now anyway. Nevermind. There is no problem. Everything is swell.

Or is the problem that you have multiple personalities? Or your friend does?

:rofl: Where did that come from?

 

[honestrosewater]

Now we should guess who's this lucky man?

I'm seriously not telling anyone. I want to know what matthyouaioauw's story is. What obstacles? We won't tell anyone.

 

[El Hombre Invisible]

No, on a forum. A physics forum. Do I have spell everything out for you guys?

The name will suffice.

No, because I don't want it to go anywhere.

Ah, so you could meet but you don't want to. So we're talking someone fairly local to you, then. Where are you from? Anyone? Where is HRW from?

I don't want to avoid him. Oy, I think I'm getting over it now anyway. Nevermind. There is no problem. Everything is swell.

So glad. That seemed fairly painless. Did we help?

:rofl: Where did that come from?

You referring to yourself as your friend. Just joshing.

Have you ever met this person?

Could I just say, in the hope that you don't take this the wrong way, that, if PF is all you know this person from, then the idea of them you have is in all likelihood not the person who logs in under that username? That's not to say they are not as nice as they seem, they may be great, but nonetheless to develop a crush on someone you rarely see around on PF presumably requires some filling in of the blanks, dare I say some element of fantasizing. I mean to undermine neither this person's character or your feelings for him, but it could be you are projecting your idea of the perfect man onto the most apt user on PF, rather than falling for this person themselves. Maybe not, I'm just putting it out there since, if it were true, it may be easier to disassociate your feelings from this person.

On your other... thing... I regard myself as a man of principals. Okay, some of those principals are morally highly dubious, but as Walter said in The Big Lebowski: "... at least it's an ethos." But ultimately, despite my many goals, ambitions, etc, my greatest and only fundamental hope is to be happy. I wouldn't let any principal, bar the obvious ones (shalt not steal, kill, trip up old ladies, etc), get in the way of that. If you avoid relationships out of a principal, however sound and based on experience the reasoning may be, you may be depriving yourself of some of the happiness you deserve.

Let me illustrate. Before I moved away from my hometown, I was in a very close, very tight group of friends I loved dearly. I was in love with the girlfriend of a very close friend of mine. My principals told me I should, as you are trying to, forget all about it. To some extent I did, but not without first and only once making clear my feelings for her, not in a way that would upset my friend, but in a way that would be made clear to her. A year later, they broke up for reasons that have nothing to do with me. I did not make any advances on her since she broke up with him and that would hurt him. A year after that, she told me she felt the same way. That's two years later. Six years later still, we are still together and happier than ever. It has been a blissful and loving relationship and took only one act on my part which I never believed would come to anything. If I had just dismissed my feelings, even on the strongest possible principals, I would not have this happiness.

Oh, and she's just told me she just got a distinction for her masters degree. \o/ Come on! Way to go, girl.

 

[honestrosewater]

Whoah!
Finally a great advice from the smurf!

Um, arildno, don't look now, but you're naked. Wait, why am I surprised? :!)

 

[El Hombre Invisible]

Hey, what just happened?

Was there or was there not a post here a second ago from a certain Arildno2, a username similar to one I haven't seen around in a while?

Or am I going absolutely insane?!?

 

[arildno2]

On your other... thing... I regard myself as a man of principals.

Really?
The last person I'd want to have sex with is the head master, or PRINCIPAL, on the high school I went to.

Okay, some of those principals are morally highly dubious

You're right; he was.

 

[El Hombre Invisible]

Um, arildno, don't look now, but you're naked. Wait, why am I surprised? :!)

Phew! Not just me, then. Unless...

... unless I am just another one of your personalities!

 

[arildno2]

Hey, what just happened?

Was there or was there not a post here a second ago from a certain Arildno2, a username similar to one I haven't seen around in a while?

Or am I going absolutely insane?!?

I can't answer your last question, but as for the post, it morphed into nothingness through an inexplicable deletion process.

 

[El Hombre Invisible]

Really?
The last person I'd want to have sex with is the head master, or PRINCIPAL, on the high school I went to.

You're right; he was.

Hey bro! Don't look now, but you have a 2 on your name. Forget your password? Or did you revise your username to reflect your "penile plurality"?

 

[arildno2]

Forget your password?

Or did you revise your username to reflect your "penile plurality"?

Good heavens!
To possesses more than one penis?
that's perverse..