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Getting into a relationship without formal dating

  1. May 15, 2010 #1

    Simfish

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    Now, in most relationships, it seems that the guy asks the girl out and the girl accepts and they go on a date to a restaurant.

    But there are other arrangements too. In online dating, the relationship is often secured before any dating is really possible. And even in real life, people can talk/e-mail to each other so much and then fall in love with each other/decide to have a relationship without having to date.

    Are the alternative arrangements a minority of all possible cases? Are they more common among females who are more Aspie-ish? (or social anxiety disorder-ish?)

    I've had two relationships that didn't involve formal dating. Both girls were somewhat socially isolated and didn't seem to have internalized mainstream social values to the extent others did. Is this very uncommon?
     
  2. jcsd
  3. May 15, 2010 #2
    All of my relationships started without formal dating. Whenever I asked a girl out on a formal date, it never went anywhere. It makes you both feel weird and artificial. On the other hand, if you just hang out comfortable and casually, things happen.
     
  4. May 15, 2010 #3

    Borek

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    For me "formal dating" has a 19th century smell to it.
     
  5. May 15, 2010 #4
    Meeting people via the internet isn't uncommon, and dating sites are not the only places that people take interest in each other. I still have trouble calling it a romance until the people involved have the opportunity to experience each other in person. False expectations or representations are the problem, not the manner in which people meet. There are fewer immediate consequences to internet dating so people are more likely to follow their desires, which enhances the possibility of meeting someone, but internet dating also increases the opportunity for someone to represent themselves falsely or create false expectations. Overall, I would say that the internet can be a good way to meet more people, but it is not a substitute for the courage to follow ones desires if the relationship is ever to leave the internet. It can be a means to monitor and control the output of ones self-expression, which is favorable for people with social disorders, but not exclusive to them.

    On the internet or off, I agree with zooby. It's more important that one can be comfortable with themselves around someone. The interest happens or not naturally from there. Expectations are an artificial obstacle that creates all sorts of weirdness.
     
  6. May 15, 2010 #5

    Simfish

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    Oh, I see. So if you want to get into a relationship with a girl, you don't necessarily have to ask her out. But then what do you ask her? "can we be in a relationship?" Maybe it would be un-awkward when the two become really close, but before they become close it might be awkward (even though asking each other out wouldn't be?)
     
  7. May 15, 2010 #6
    Welcome to the land of insecurities.

    People are so insecure they need to be "safe" first.
     
  8. May 15, 2010 #7
    Nearly all of my girlfriends have been women that I met and simply spent time with; one thing leads to another. Never actually asked them out on dates. It may be a bit hard to know whether or not to take the next step in these situations though wondering whether or not you two are hanging out as just friends or if at some point that changed.
     
  9. May 15, 2010 #8
    If you're worried about being awkward then the awkward thoughts in your mind will find their way into your expression.

    Practice being rejected until you are indifferent to it. Ask random girls outside your social circle, "Will you be my girlfriend?" Expect to be rejected. If you are comfortable making an absurd request like that she may interpret it differently. Suddenly desperate, approval seeking behaviour may become a humorous notion of interest. What you say is secondary to how you say it. If she laughs then maybe ask her if she'll join you for a cup of coffee instead.

    Stay in your own head. You have the advantage there. Don't get stuck in hers. You give up your strength when you are dependent on her approval. You want her approval independent of any need for it, hence the necessity for indifference to rejection. That is a favorable position that affords you some leverage.

    But wouldn't you rather ask a girl that you know if she wants to be your girlfriend, one that you enjoy spending time with? If you think you might be interested in a girl then take the time to get to know her before considering a more serious relationship. Next time you're planning to do something see if she would be interested in coming along, a study group, bowling, a day at the beach, a jazz club, whatever. If you're not oblivious then you'll know if she is interested in you or not. You can choose to ignore her interest or act on it. Just don't rely on it.
     
  10. May 15, 2010 #9

    Evo

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    I don't know that anyone ever officially asked me to be their girlfriend, you just start going out and either you click or you don't. Wow, I'm feeling really old old right now because I can't remember how I got into "relationships".
     
  11. May 15, 2010 #10

    Astronuc

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    Much the same with me. Occasionally, I had a girl ask me out, or if I could come over.

    My wife and I met through mutual friends, so our encounters were whenever our friends got together on a Friday night or weekend - outdoor concerts, hanging out at someone's apartment (by the swimming pool), going to the beach, going to dinners, or to a jazz club.

    It was several months before my wife and I actually dated.

    I dated other women before that, and mostly it was dinner or concert/movie or both. Usually it was someone at the same university or we had mutual friends, or in one case, the girl who asked me to come over was a friend's sister.
     
  12. May 15, 2010 #11

    Astronuc

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    Accidentally - as in falling/stumbling? :biggrin:
     
  13. May 15, 2010 #12
    Isn't that weird? There's a couple cases I can't even remember how they transitioned from meeting to relationship.
     
  14. May 15, 2010 #13

    Evo

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    You're my BF, right? Wasn't that what you told me that night you lured me into the zooby shelter?

    Or was that BobG when he made that sharp left turn and I was thrown out of his Jeep?
     
  15. May 15, 2010 #14

    lisab

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    One weird one for me was a guy who came to my house and basically wouldn't leave.
     
  16. May 15, 2010 #15
    you know what they say, you shouldn't start feeding them
     
  17. May 16, 2010 #16
    Clearly you had an unfortunate encounter with my evil twin, Shoobyzoo.
     
  18. May 23, 2010 #17

    Moonbear

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    That's the same for me. Formal dates never really went anywhere. Just sort of gravitating toward one another until you find yourselves sitting together and kissing seems to have had the best results for actual relationships that have lasted beyond a few "dates."
     
  19. Jun 10, 2010 #18
    That sounds like fun. On a scale of 1-10 with 10 being Hannibal Lecter how creepy was it?

    I don't get the point of formal dates. To me it seems to defeat the purpose of having a relationship with someone.
     
  20. Jun 10, 2010 #19

    lisab

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    Oh he wasn't creepy at all, I don't hang out with creeps. He was more like a Golden Retriever puppy.
     
  21. Jun 10, 2010 #20
    "It may be a bit hard to know whether or not to take the next step in these situations though wondering whether or not you two are hanging out as just friends or if at some point that changed."


    Honestly, people should be firm and clear on what they want. You can be extremely affectionate and not want a relationship, simply because a relationship entails an additional commitment and is seeking something that entails things other than very meaningful, close interaction.

    I see no reason for this confusion to occur.
     
  22. Jun 10, 2010 #21
    I see...I really can't stand clingy people.
     
  23. Jun 10, 2010 #22

    Evo

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    I've been on many formal dates. I'm old, men asked you out, or you told them they were asking you out. (the latter was the most successful)

    But that was in high school, after that, well, I lived next to NASA, 50 nerdy men to every woman, at least, maybe more. No trouble getting dates.
     
  24. Jun 10, 2010 #23

    lisab

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    Yeah, it got old. But I was young way back then.
     
  25. Jun 10, 2010 #24

    DaveC426913

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    Most of my relationships have been friendships first. It has always been very difficult for me to make a "cold-call" for a relationship.
     
  26. Jun 10, 2010 #25
    I agree with Einstein to a small extent---'young' is relative
     
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