Getting into a relationship without formal dating

[Simfish]

Now, in most relationships, it seems that the guy asks the girl out and the girl accepts and they go on a date to a restaurant.

But there are other arrangements too. In online dating, the relationship is often secured before any dating is really possible. And even in real life, people can talk/e-mail to each other so much and then fall in love with each other/decide to have a relationship without having to date.

Are the alternative arrangements a minority of all possible cases? Are they more common among females who are more Aspie-ish? (or social anxiety disorder-ish?)

I've had two relationships that didn't involve formal dating. Both girls were somewhat socially isolated and didn't seem to have internalized mainstream social values to the extent others did. Is this very uncommon?

 

[zoobyshoe]

All of my relationships started without formal dating. Whenever I asked a girl out on a formal date, it never went anywhere. It makes you both feel weird and artificial. On the other hand, if you just hang out comfortable and casually, things happen.

 

[Borek]

For me "formal dating" has a 19th century smell to it.

 

[Huckleberry]

Meeting people via the internet isn't uncommon, and dating sites are not the only places that people take interest in each other. I still have trouble calling it a romance until the people involved have the opportunity to experience each other in person. False expectations or representations are the problem, not the manner in which people meet. There are fewer immediate consequences to internet dating so people are more likely to follow their desires, which enhances the possibility of meeting someone, but internet dating also increases the opportunity for someone to represent themselves falsely or create false expectations. Overall, I would say that the internet can be a good way to meet more people, but it is not a substitute for the courage to follow ones desires if the relationship is ever to leave the internet. It can be a means to monitor and control the output of ones self-expression, which is favorable for people with social disorders, but not exclusive to them.

On the internet or off, I agree with zooby. It's more important that one can be comfortable with themselves around someone. The interest happens or not naturally from there. Expectations are an artificial obstacle that creates all sorts of weirdness.

 

[Simfish]

Oh, I see. So if you want to get into a relationship with a girl, you don't necessarily have to ask her out. But then what do you ask her? "can we be in a relationship?" Maybe it would be un-awkward when the two become really close, but before they become close it might be awkward (even though asking each other out wouldn't be?)

 

[Norman.Galois]

Welcome to the land of insecurities.

People are so insecure they need to be "safe" first.

 

[TheStatutoryApe]

Nearly all of my girlfriends have been women that I met and simply spent time with; one thing leads to another. Never actually asked them out on dates. It may be a bit hard to know whether or not to take the next step in these situations though wondering whether or not you two are hanging out as just friends or if at some point that changed.

 

[Huckleberry]

Oh, I see. So if you want to get into a relationship with a girl, you don't necessarily have to ask her out. But then what do you ask her? "can we be in a relationship?" Maybe it would be un-awkward when the two become really close, but before they become close it might be awkward (even though asking each other out wouldn't be?)

If you're worried about being awkward then the awkward thoughts in your mind will find their way into your expression.

Practice being rejected until you are indifferent to it. Ask random girls outside your social circle, "Will you be my girlfriend?" Expect to be rejected. If you are comfortable making an absurd request like that she may interpret it differently. Suddenly desperate, approval seeking behaviour may become a humorous notion of interest. What you say is secondary to how you say it. If she laughs then maybe ask her if she'll join you for a cup of coffee instead.

Stay in your own head. You have the advantage there. Don't get stuck in hers. You give up your strength when you are dependent on her approval. You want her approval independent of any need for it, hence the necessity for indifference to rejection. That is a favorable position that affords you some leverage.

But wouldn't you rather ask a girl that you know if she wants to be your girlfriend, one that you enjoy spending time with? If you think you might be interested in a girl then take the time to get to know her before considering a more serious relationship. Next time you're planning to do something see if she would be interested in coming along, a study group, bowling, a day at the beach, a jazz club, whatever. If you're not oblivious then you'll know if she is interested in you or not. You can choose to ignore her interest or act on it. Just don't rely on it.

 

[Evo]

I don't know that anyone ever officially asked me to be their girlfriend, you just start going out and either you click or you don't. Wow, I'm feeling really old old right now because I can't remember how I got into "relationships".

 

[Astronuc]

Nearly all of my girlfriends have been women that I met and simply spent time with; one thing leads to another. Never actually asked them out on dates. It may be a bit hard to know whether or not to take the next step in these situations though wondering whether or not you two are hanging out as just friends or if at some point that changed.

Much the same with me. Occasionally, I had a girl ask me out, or if I could come over.

My wife and I met through mutual friends, so our encounters were whenever our friends got together on a Friday night or weekend - outdoor concerts, hanging out at someone's apartment (by the swimming pool), going to the beach, going to dinners, or to a jazz club.

It was several months before my wife and I actually dated.

I dated other women before that, and mostly it was dinner or concert/movie or both. Usually it was someone at the same university or we had mutual friends, or in one case, the girl who asked me to come over was a friend's sister.

 

[Astronuc]

I don't know that anyone ever officially asked me to be their girlfriend, you just start going out and either you click or you don't. Wow, I'm feeling really old old right now because I can't remember how I got into "relationships".

Accidentally - as in falling/stumbling?

 

[zoobyshoe]

I don't know that anyone ever officially asked me to be their girlfriend, you just start going out and either you click or you don't. Wow, I'm feeling really old old right now because I can't remember how I got into "relationships".

Isn't that weird? There's a couple cases I can't even remember how they transitioned from meeting to relationship.

 

[Evo]

Isn't that weird? There's a couple cases I can't even remember how they transitioned from meeting to relationship.

You're my BF, right? Wasn't that what you told me that night you lured me into the zooby shelter?

Or was that BobG when he made that sharp left turn and I was thrown out of his Jeep?

 

[lisab]

Isn't that weird? There's a couple cases I can't even remember how they transitioned from meeting to relationship.

One weird one for me was a guy who came to my house and basically wouldn't leave.

 

[rewebster]

One weird one for me was a guy who came to my house and basically wouldn't leave.

you know what they say, you shouldn't start feeding them

 

[zoobyshoe]

You're my BF, right? Wasn't that what you told me that night you lured me into the zooby shelter?

Clearly you had an unfortunate encounter with my evil twin, Shoobyzoo.

 

[Moonbear]

All of my relationships started without formal dating. Whenever I asked a girl out on a formal date, it never went anywhere. It makes you both feel weird and artificial. On the other hand, if you just hang out comfortable and casually, things happen.

That's the same for me. Formal dates never really went anywhere. Just sort of gravitating toward one another until you find yourselves sitting together and kissing seems to have had the best results for actual relationships that have lasted beyond a few "dates."

 

[Lancelot59]

One weird one for me was a guy who came to my house and basically wouldn't leave.

That sounds like fun. On a scale of 1-10 with 10 being Hannibal Lecter how creepy was it?

I don't get the point of formal dates. To me it seems to defeat the purpose of having a relationship with someone.

 

[lisab]

That sounds like fun. On a scale of 1-10 with 10 being Hannibal Lecter how creepy was it?

I don't get the point of formal dates. To me it seems to defeat the purpose of having a relationship with someone.

Oh he wasn't creepy at all, I don't hang out with creeps. He was more like a Golden Retriever puppy.

 

[deRham]

"It may be a bit hard to know whether or not to take the next step in these situations though wondering whether or not you two are hanging out as just friends or if at some point that changed."Honestly, people should be firm and clear on what they want. You can be extremely affectionate and not want a relationship, simply because a relationship entails an additional commitment and is seeking something that entails things other than very meaningful, close interaction.

I see no reason for this confusion to occur.

 

[Lancelot59]

Oh he wasn't creepy at all, I don't hang out with creeps. He was more like a Golden Retriever puppy.

I see...I really can't stand clingy people.

 

[Evo]

I've been on many formal dates. I'm old, men asked you out, or you told them they were asking you out. (the latter was the most successful)

But that was in high school, after that, well, I lived next to NASA, 50 nerdy men to every woman, at least, maybe more. No trouble getting dates.

 

[lisab]

I see...I really can't stand clingy people.

Yeah, it got old. But I was young way back then.

 

[DaveC426913]

Most of my relationships have been friendships first. It has always been very difficult for me to make a "cold-call" for a relationship.

 

[rewebster]

Yeah, it got old. But I was young way back then.

I agree with Einstein to a small extent---'young' is relative

 

[Moonbear]

All of my relationships started without formal dating. Whenever I asked a girl out on a formal date, it never went anywhere. It makes you both feel weird and artificial. On the other hand, if you just hang out comfortable and casually, things happen.

Same with me. The relationships that have lasted any amount of time (and even when they ended, we stayed friends) have been ones where we just clicked without any formal anything.

I sometimes joke about how my boyfriend and I slept together before we had our first date. But I really mean slept. We were both in a wedding party together, and everyone was getting quite toasted during the rehearsal dinner. He and I just hit it off and stayed up half the night together talking (his very first words to me were "A girl after my own heart" when I ordered my steak rare while sitting next to him at the rehearsal dinner...he had no idea how prophetic that was at the time). By the time we decided we better go back to our rooms, everyone else was asleep. I was sharing a room with a few other bridesmaids, and my key wouldn't work in the door (they might have latched the deadbolt or something). It was so late, I didn't want to wake them all up, and just as I was trying to figure out what to do, he came running back, hoping to catch me before I got back to the room, to tell me he forgot to ask for a goodnight kiss (yep, he was already smitten by then). It was cute, and sweet, and cocky, and perfect, and considering I couldn't get into the room where I was supposed to be sleeping, after the kiss, he was generous enough to let me sleep in his room. I KNOW he was hoping for more than that, but had to settle for just sleeping, and was such a gentleman, he even offered to sleep on the couch in the room so I could have the bed, even though it was HIS room! It of course didn't stop any of the rumors the next day when all the other bridesmaids knew I hadn't returned to the room that night. :rofl:

Then, on the wedding day, I was suffering terribly from the hangover and not getting nearly enough sleep the night before. When he realized how bad I was feeling during the ceremony, he appeared by my side at the reception with a packet of Advil. My knight in shining armor.

I love telling this story, because I'm still in love with him 15 years later. We've had our ups and downs and taken separate paths and come back together, but through it all, we're both still madly in love with each other.

The guys who I started out with on dates are all long gone. Something made me think of one of them recently, and I sat there racking my brain thinking, wow, I can't even remember his last name. But, that one did better than the others who I can't even remember their first names. I sometimes forget how many dates I've been on, because they really led nowhere.

Edit: LOL...I hadn't realized I'd replied to this before. Funny I replied to the same post both times. I guess now you all can tell I mean it. :rofl:

 

[BobG]

I've been on many formal dates. I'm old, men asked you out, or you told them they were asking you out. (the latter was the most successful)

But that was in high school, after that, well, I lived next to NASA, 50 nerdy men to every woman, at least, maybe more. No trouble getting dates.

I used to date a NASA engineer. That was pretty cool for a while... til I got dumped for some psychotic golddigger 18 years younger than me! :grumpy:

 

[Vanadium 50]

It of course didn't stop any of the rumors the next day when all the other bridesmaids knew I hadn't returned to the room that night. :rofl:

Well, since you were going to get the rumors one way or another...

 

[Pyrrhus]

That's the same for me. Formal dates never really went anywhere. Just sort of gravitating toward one another until you find yourselves sitting together and kissing seems to have had the best results for actual relationships that have lasted beyond a few "dates."

Yup, Gravity does a better job at being cupid than people

 

[BobG]

That's the same for me. Formal dates never really went anywhere. Just sort of gravitating toward one another until you find yourselves sitting together and kissing seems to have had the best results for actual relationships that have lasted beyond a few "dates."

Yup, Gravity does a better job at being cupid than people

You two must date some really big people.

Or sit very close together.

 

[DanP]

Same with me. The relationships that have lasted any amount of time (and even when they ended, we stayed friends) have been ones where we just clicked without any formal anything.

I can relate to this. It just happens.

 

[cronxeh]

You can't be friends and lover with a woman. You are either a boyfriend who leads the woman, or a commuter on a friendship bus.

 

[AUK 1138]

You can't be friends and lover with a woman. You are either a boyfriend who leads the woman, or a commuter on a friendship bus.

that bus goes nowhere fast.

 

[Britters]

Just a random blerp on here, nothing mean just a statement of my observation.

I think a lot of people out there can be rather quick to judge with rather insufficient evidence for a complete conclusion.

*sigh* T_T

 

[Britters]

Just a random blerp on here, nothing mean just a statement of my observation.

I think a lot of people out there can be rather quick to judge with rather insufficient evidence for a complete conclusion.

I guess that's why formal dating can be insufficient, most people tend to judge on their first meeting, in terms of comparison for naturally blooming romances. ^_^