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Girl I like Has a Boyfriend

  1. Dec 5, 2015 #1
    There is this girl that is strongly affecting my brain chemistry. She has mysterious physical and non-physical qualities that my subconscious apparently cannot resist.

    We are both shy and have not interacted much socially, but when we do I get a strong sense that she is attracted to me (based on intuition and supposed behavioral signals I've read about on the internet). However, I have recently learned that she's already in a relationship.

    I came here for advice because I don't know how to proceed. I am getting to an age where I need to soon find the right girl to eventually marry and start a family with. I want her to be the one, but there are several other girls I have considered pursuing. I'm being careful to choose a girl I really like to prevent wasting time or being in a position where I have to deliberate over whether to break a girls heart in order to get out of a relationship I'm not happy with.

    I would never hit on her or seduce her knowing she has a boyfriend, but should I flirt with her? Should I make it clear to her that I like her, let her know I am an option? Should I move on?

    One factor worth mentioning is that our life trajectories are aligned such that we will likely be within reach of each other for several years.
  2. jcsd
  3. Dec 5, 2015 #2

    Simon Bridge

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    ... there is nothing musterious or non-physical going on here. These are not her properties, they are yours.
    How old are you?

    ... it's on the internet, therefore it must be true?

    When we are in love with someone, any positive responce at all will look like "mutual feelings"... so intuition is a poor guide. The internet is worse. Its easy to misunderstand signals: our best guide is the person in question.

    If she is already in a stable relationship, that usually means any interest she has in you is unlikely to be romantic in nature. She may just like you and is unaware of the intensity of your feelings or the nature of your interest.

    If you really wanted her to "be the one" then nobody else will be considered... at least not now. You make it sound more like a business contract... thats not always a vad thing: many cultures view marriage transactionally like this.

    ... there is another option: staying freinds and not saying anything.
    My personal philosophy is to tell her how you feel. Anything else would be living a lie... which is distespectful to her. It'll also drive you nuts over time if you don't.

    But be careful:
    You need to avoid creepyness.
    You need to listen to and accept and respect her and her responce.

    The bit where you say you are shy and don't want to just hit on her is good.
    You may need to keep your distance if she says the feelings are not mutual - give your feelings a chance to die down. This is especially important if you feel possessive or obsessive at all. If you love her then your thoughts will automatically in the direction of empowering her.

    ... that's not a very long time. Note: you have some control over your "life trajectory", try steering. This sort of language usually indicate a metaphysical approach to love and relationships. You will need to stop that.

    The key elements are honesty and respect ... what would be respectful to her, and to yourself?
  4. Dec 5, 2015 #3
    That can happen. Move on.

    Of course you could still be friends, but if she's dating him and not you then there's a reason for that. Don't try to get in the way of it, or you'll risk losing the friendship you already do have. Plus, let's say flirting with her actually does work. If she's the type to just dump her boyfriend because another guy flirted with her, then how long do you think that you'd be with her before she dumped you for the next flirty guy that comes along?
  5. Dec 5, 2015 #4

    Simon Bridge

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    Theres lots of reasons someone may date another and be just freinds with the one they'd prefer ... human relationships are complicated and switching partners does not have to mean anything in particular.
    Id agree that flirting is to be avoided at this stage...
  6. Dec 5, 2015 #5
    She may have a boyfriend, but having a boyfriend doesn't mean being married or having a fiance.
    I think you should try, let her know a way or another that you are interested. Whether she is interested or not by you, at least she'll be happy to know that someone is attracted to her. You have nothing to loose in this.
  7. Dec 5, 2015 #6

    Simon Bridge

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    Yes he does... he risks rejection at least, as well as the risk of losing the existing relationship.
    Its usually better to know in these cases than go through life wondering.

    It is also best to have the experience, so losing that shyness and gaining more self confidence.
    Culture is important: I've seen shyness appear as a cultural affectation for eg. and some cultures take dating as almost engaged rather than just for fun... so we need to be careful of this.

    Needyness and fear seem to be unattractive (except to predators) in quite a lot of cultures though.
  8. Dec 5, 2015 #7
    I'm not sure I understand how he could possibly be rejected. If he asks her if he can offer a coffee for exemple ?
  9. Dec 6, 2015 #8

    Simon Bridge

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    ... you think he is talking about coffee?

    Mind you, we should get more on how much social interaction there has been.
    I may be reading too much in to this "I wsnt her to be the one" stuff.
  10. Dec 6, 2015 #9
    I share Simon's feeling that you take it as a contract. From what you write it seems to me that you are in a hurry and under cultural pressure to marry. So you are just quickly looking for someone who would be the best investment in the future. It is true that you say you are attracted to her, but it doesn't seem so genuine to me. I might be wrong, of course.
    The most important thing is that she is in a relationship. It is not a good idea to flirt with her. From my point of view, that is cheating.
    You can be friends with her if you want to, but do not try anything more serious until she breaks up or until she invites you first.
    But it all depends on the culture you live in. Those things are different in various communities, so you must know what is considered normal where you live.
  11. Dec 6, 2015 #10
    I think the only important thing in these matters is to know when to give up.
    Until you are told a clear 'no', or given a clear signal to stop, competition between males doesn't stop.
    Boyfriend is not a status, it is unacceptable in many cultures to have a boyfriend. You are either married, engaged, or 'available'.
    In the last case, every competition is open, and it is more than likely that if you don't try anything, you get nothing. You can still be chosen by the girl, but for most of us, it is not the case and we have to win the girl's heart.
  12. Dec 6, 2015 #11
    He can invite her to coffee but he has to stop if she refuses. If he continues to bother her there might be problems. There's nothing worse than an annoying man who doesn't know when to stop.
  13. Dec 6, 2015 #12
    I totally agree with you
  14. Dec 6, 2015 #13
    I think you are reading into this a little too much.

    I'm in my late 20's and have realized that I have been far too passive in pursuing girls, so I've sort of made a decision to try a little harder recently. But I'm also trying to avoid getting into a serious relationship with a girl that I wouldn't be thrilled about spending the rest of my life with. But it's hard to tell until you get to know them, which is difficult and takes time, so I have to rely a little on guessing.

    Now, if I start a relationship with a girl, I'm not going to just drop her if this other girl suddenly becomes available that I like more. So if I meet a girl that seams to be a really good match for me, but is taken already, should I wait a while before allowing myself to enter a serious relationship, just in case? If so, how long? Of course everything gets more complicated by the fact that feelings are not always mutual.

    I'm not obsessed with her or anything, I just like her a lot, we seam to have a lot in common and she seams to have a rare set of qualities that I like; although I admit I barely know her. Of course she might not be interested in me at all, but this is at least an opportunity for me to think about a scenario. I'm not an expert in relationships, psychology, or social expectations. For this case, maybe I am more interested in theory than application, so I admit I embellished a little to formulate the question in a way that I thought would encourage the types of answers I'm looking for.

    In reality, it's unlikely I would try hitting on her or flirting with her, even if she didn't have a boyfriend, unless she initiated it, because we will be around each other a lot out of necessity, and I wouldn't want to make her uncomfortable, or cause awkwardness.
    Last edited: Dec 6, 2015
  15. Dec 6, 2015 #14

    Simon Bridge

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    So are we talking about someone you barely know? No current relationship like being a freind already?

    Dont wait untill you think this is the one before making an approach... when you do that, you will come across as over needy and that will repel women: it looks creapy.

    Women are not possessions to be "taken" or not, but this question depends on culture.

    ... there are no experts.

    ... depending on the context of how you will be around each other, you can use that to get her to notice you.
    Just making eye contact as you pass each other, if she meets your eyes you get to say, "hi". Next time you can say something that shows you appreciate her. There are a lot of possibilities.
    Modify for your culture.

    I think you have enough to go on. You definately need to get the experience meeting women socially but not every social engagement need be a potential for marriage. Most people meet their life partner when they are not looking.
  16. Dec 6, 2015 #15
    Thank you all for the advice.
  17. Dec 7, 2015 #16
    'Where there is willpower, there is a path'
  18. Dec 7, 2015 #17
    Personally, I think the next step is to subtly determine whether or not there's any "trouble in paradise." That is: try to get a feel for how her relationship is going. There are a lot of cases where people are in a relationship they're unhappy with and would "jump ship" if they found a port they liked better. It could be this girl is seething with resentment at her boyfriend's lack of commitment or whatever. That's the sort of thing you need to find out.
  19. Dec 20, 2015 #18


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    My two cents worth via my girlfriend. She been my girlfriend for over 40 years. I tell her I love her every time she walks me to her door as I'm leaving. She prefers to be rather reclusive, she's financially rich but you wouldn't know it, smart as a whip, she values my opinion as I do hers, and would do anything to help with a problem when asked and also has no problem asking me. The list of positive qualities goes on and on. Marriage doesn't even enter the equation except when teasing maybe. Hey, what else could one ask for. Like I say, same girlfriend for over 40 years. Somethings working and we wouldn't have it any other way.
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