Girlfriend leaves me for no apparent reason

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Maylis

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So I just got back up to school after spending a week back home with my girlfriend. We had no fights nor arguments, and got to spend some quality time together.

So yesterday, just 5 days after leaving to come back to school, she calls me to say 'Hey, this guy in my class asked me on a date and I said yes, I like him.''

So I basically said ''don't ever call me again''

Anyways, naturally I'm going through a whirlwind right now, mixed feelings of anger, extreme anger, sadness, hopelessness, feeling deceived, and all else that comes with a ''break up''.

I just don't know why this could have happened, we haven't even had a fight in a long time. It just makes no sense to me. I said why would you do this and she says

''I can't control my feelings''. I said why didn't you tell the guy you had a boyfriend, and her response is ''he never asked me if I did''. I was just bamboozled by that response
 

Evo

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I'm afraid the truth is sometimes painful. Of course, we don't have any idea what happened. You want wild guesses? My wild guess is that she liked you, but she had decided at some point, not as a boyfriend. It's rotten that she didn't have the nerve to tell you sooner and more tactfully.

Time heals all wounds. It will take time. You will get past this and find someone else and you may even forget that she ever existed. I don't remember most of the guys I dated.
 
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Maylis

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It's strange, because we had a good time when I was back for spring break, and were intimate and all of that. I wonder if the fact that we are long distance now that I have moved for school has just taken a toll and she wants somebody that will be with her all the time, instead of only on breaks from school.
 

Evo

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We would have no idea, but a lot of people can't handle long distance relationships, so, yes, that could be the reason. It doesn't sound like you did anything wrong.
 
She doesn't sound to be too mature in the head, if you ask me you caught a lucky break. When she said she was asked out and that she said yes, you could have have had fun with the situation a bit. I fail to understand how you emotionally got so involved with her if your last conversation sounded as if you two were friends.
 

MathematicalPhysicist

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So I just got back up to school after spending a week back home with my girlfriend. We had no fights nor arguments, and got to spend some quality time together.

So yesterday, just 5 days after leaving to come back to school, she calls me to say 'Hey, this guy in my class asked me on a date and I said yes, I like him.''

So I basically said ''don't ever call me again''

Anyways, naturally I'm going through a whirlwind right now, mixed feelings of anger, extreme anger, sadness, hopelessness, feeling deceived, and all else that comes with a ''break up''.

I just don't know why this could have happened, we haven't even had a fight in a long time. It just makes no sense to me. I said why would you do this and she says

''I can't control my feelings''. I said why didn't you tell the guy you had a boyfriend, and her response is ''he never asked me if I did''. I was just bamboozled by that response
:-D

That's a sitcom material!
 

Maylis

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Glad you enjoyed it. To Lendav, we had been dating for a year now. I think what makes me so angry is how she put it on me so nonchalantly.
 
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Don't mistake the apparent nonchalance for not being bothered. These situations are never easy to deal with whatever side you are on. One way is to make the situation seem lighter than it is. Head up, she wasn't for you, move on, plenty more fish in the sea, good luck!
 

D H

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@Maylis, There are some lessons to be learned here.

1. Yes, it hurts. The relationship wouldn't have been good if an abrupt end didn't hurt.

2. You burnt some bridges. Who knows what would have transpired if you hadn't burnt those bridges? She might have gone out with that other guy and found out that you really were the one for her. That can't happen now. Don't burn your bridges, and if you do, don't pour gasoline on them before you light the match.

3. Nonchalantly is the best way for a relationship to end. Watch The War of the Roses for a non-nonchalant ending of a relationship.
 

Maylis

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To D H, if she had actually gone out with the guy and realized she liked me more, I wouldn't take her back. I'm not going to just sit there and watch her go dating other guys when I've been with her for a year. I'd rather burn the bridges with the gasoline then look like a fool while my girl goes out with anyone who asks her on a date. We were exclusive and there was no question about it.
 
''I can't control my feelings''. I said why didn't you tell the guy you had a boyfriend, and her response is ''he never asked me if I did''. I was just bamboozled by that response
I just have to comment on how ridiculous that response is. So it was apparently up to that other guy to keep your girlfriend from dating him. He needs to ask the right questions in order for him to know to stay away from her.

Maybe I'll go up to some married women, not ask if they're married, and if they like me, they'll date me because I didn't ask if they were married.
To D H, if she had actually gone out with the guy and realized she liked me more, I wouldn't take her back. I'm not going to just sit there and watch her go dating other guys when I've been with her for a year. I'd rather burn the bridges with the gasoline then look like a fool while my girl goes out with anyone who asks her on a date. We were exclusive and there was no question about it.
It hurts losing someone you love, but at least you can look at yourself in the mirror in the morning.
 

AlephZero

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We were exclusive and there was no question about it.
It seems like there was no question about it in your mind, but you didn't bother to check if she thought the same way (and apparently, she didn't).

That's the take-home lesson to learn from this, IMO.
 

jim hardy

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hmmmmm.. sounds to me like she was apprising you of a casual 'date' of some sort, which may well have been quite innocent.
It's more noble than sneaking around.


The hackneyed old saying "If you love something set it free...." has a lot of common sense to it.. we can't own somebody .


I'm going through a whirlwind right now, mixed feelings of anger, extreme anger, sadness,
and she says ''I can't control my feelings''.

One can't blame one's blemishes on the mirror.
 

Maylis

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It wasn't a casual date. She told me a week prior that he had tried to get her phone number, but she claimed that she didn't give it to him because she had no reason to. Whether or not its true is another story. Anyways, this guy obviously likes her, it is beyond just something casual or friendly.

Also Alephzero, we had not seen anyone else during our year together, so I don't know what you are talking about.
 
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Also Alephzero, we had not seen anyone else during our year together, so I don't know what you are talking about.
I think what Alephzero wanted to say is that even though it might be true that she wasn't seeing anyone else, it certainly doesn't mean that she wasn't thinking about it, or considering it. And that's what maybe you failed to realize (just like you didn't even try to understand what Alephzero tried to tell you).

And by the way, "so I don't know what you are talking about"? That's rude in my opinion. He was just trying to help you. You'd better calm down, stop focusing on yourself too much, and instead, try to understand others a bit more.
 

Curious3141

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To D H, if she had actually gone out with the guy and realized she liked me more, I wouldn't take her back. I'm not going to just sit there and watch her go dating other guys when I've been with her for a year. I'd rather burn the bridges with the gasoline then look like a fool while my girl goes out with anyone who asks her on a date. We were exclusive and there was no question about it.
For what it's worth, I agree with you and disagree with D H (specifically on his point 2).

If the implicit understanding is that it's a monogamous relationship (and that's the usual default), then how did she expect you to take her news?

If one is happy in a committed relationship, one does not look to play the field. She may have been trying to do this, but that would make you a chump.

I think the more likely explanation is that she was passive-aggressively breaking up with you by telling you what she was going to do. That way, you get to be the "bad guy" ending things with an ultimatum. But from my read of things, this relationship was never going to work out anyway - she would've broken up with you sooner or later. Better sooner, I think, for you. Now you can move on and find someone better.
 
Well, you learned something, don't apply this newfound piece of information to any girl out there, though :D Before long this new guy will be left the same way as you were, some girls are like that, messed up in the head - you cannot tackle them with logic. Some girls simply need a man to put her in her place, finito - turns out you were not macho enough. Yous would have parted ways sooner or later anyways.
 

Maylis

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I admit there were warning signs in the past that she was not happy with the relationship that I ignored. It's shameful though that she couldn't break it off with me until she had someone in her pocket, like she can't be alone.

Waiting until I'm at school where I can't really do anything.
 

D H

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So I just got back up to school after spending a week back home with my girlfriend. We had no fights nor arguments, and got to spend some quality time together.
I admit there were warning signs in the past that she was not happy with the relationship that I ignored.
I'm sensing a contradiction here.


It's shameful though that she couldn't break it off with me until she had someone in her pocket, like she can't be alone.
You were ignoring the relationship. In her mind, she may have been on the verge of breaking up with you before your visit home. That visit home nailed it. She just didn't have the guts to tell you to your face.

What would your reaction have been if she had broken up with you face to face, while you were there?
 

Maylis

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Sure, we have had many ups and downs. This last week when I was home there were no fights, not had there been any fights for probably a month or two.

We can only speculate what was going on in her head. She is 27 and I am 22. In her culture she has a lot of pressure to get married and she used to put pressure on me to marry her within a couple years, but I am in no position for that nonsense

We had that conversation a few months ago, but it was never brought up again.

I mean we were intimate when I came back, so there was no indication of any dissatisfaction within the relationship at that time. We spent a lot of time together for that week, so the timing is what really puzzled me.
 

Matterwave

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We can only speculate what was going on in her head. She is 27 and I am 22. In her culture she has a lot of pressure to get married and she used to put pressure on me to marry her within a couple years, but I am in no position for that nonsense
The way you dismiss her culture as "nonsense", seems to be a problem to me. I mean different people are at different points in their lives. It's reasonable that you don't want to get married. It's also reasonable that she wanted to get married. This is not nonsense.

Granted, the way she broke up with you was harsh. And I do understand your pain, so I'm sorry to hear about it. But it doesn't seem like this relationship would have worked out in the end, not if you were dismissing her wishes as "nonsense".

I know it's hard, but you have to let her go. =/
 
Like I said, don't apply what you learn in math or physics class to a relationship. She IS the kind of girl who needs to be shown what to do. Girl or woman, whatever, 27???? For future reference, talk to your woman. If it springs up a fight, splendid, means there is something to thrive for in the relationship. I would rather a lively relationship than a passive one. When you say you guys didn't have fights and whatnot - means in most cases either one of you, usually the guy, is too damn passive. Well, game over for now. No need to analyze it further. As a wise man once said: "deal with it" - this is not an insult, you reap what you sow after all.
 

jim hardy

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Maylis

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Well I talked to her today. She said she had been lying about loving me and that she thought that she could eventually convince herself that she loved me, but it never happened. I had the pleasure of cussing her out and saying all the bad things about her, so at least I feel better now.


So happy to have been lead on for the past year....

New chapter of my life begins now!
 

drizzle

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Does she have to give you reasons why she loves you? Does she have to give reasons why she doesn't love you? It's either she loves you, or she doesn't. There are no reasons needed. No one understands love. There are no criteria to it. Love is an absolute bias feeling and relates solely to an individual experience. There is no say you have on front of love except of submission or letting go. You cannot force it, nor can you push it down.

You don't sound like you were in love with her yourself, IMO.. it just showed in your reaction, with respect. Maybe you two weren't sure about it in the very beginning. But I'm glad you are feeling better.
 

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