Girlfriend needs a break. Something to be worried about?

[ephedyn]

Problem statement: So, my girlfriend's coming back after winter break and she texted me all of a sudden last night to say, "Can you not stay over until I'm ready? I'm kind of stressed for no reason and need a break."

I don't know if it's bad phrasing on her part, but "need a break" sounds pretty drastic and came as a surprise to me.

Relevant equations: We've been pretty doting on one another throughout the winter holiday, messaged one another for at least 0.5-1h each day. She did open up 3-4 days ago that her GPA went down, and she felt that she was in a relationship each time it did. She's been acting like herself before that. I'm ruling out the possibility that there's someone else, she hasn't been in the situation to meet other guys lately, hasn't faulted me in any ways (typical when they're seeing someone behind your back), is still taking the initiative to show concern and ask me how I'm doing, and to put it bluntly, there's still same height of sexual attraction, just decreased frequency...

My attempt at a solution: 1) Do you think she meant more like: she will be busy for a while rather than she needs a break? On closer observation, it seems from the first sentence more like she's too bogged down to see me, rather than she needs a break from our relationship.

Anyway, I wrote a pretty long reply, basically agreeing with her that she needs time to get school things in order so we can properly enjoy our time together again. Plus assuring her that we'll work this out. She replied "OK" and I decided it's a good time to start leaving her alone until she feels like talking more about it.

2) Am I doing it right? Is there anything I can/should do to make things better now?

3) What should be my concerns now? I'm not worrying too much about it; still in the mood to make this look like a homework problem haha.

 

[Dembadon]

I'd ask her what she means by "needing a break," and about how she's feeling about the relationship. There's no sense in speculating.

The best way to approach this situation is through communication. You really need to talk this out with her and find out what's really going on; I would avoid ruling-things-out until you've done this.

 

[ephedyn]

Hm I kinda like that idea except I don't want to be giving her more stress. Should I wait for her next move to see if I'm overspeculating OR if she's in a better state to talk about something like this?

 

[jedishrfu]

check out this old Taoist story about a runaway horse, its return and why its best to say "We'll see"

http://bobm288.hubpages.com/hub/Zen_and_the_Art_of_Letting_it_Be

 

[Dembadon]

Hm I kinda like that idea except I don't want to be giving her more stress. Should I wait for her next move to see if I'm overspeculating OR if she's in a better state to talk about something like this?

Well done for being considerate of her stress level, but I don't think it is unreasonable to ask for clarification about the word "break." You don't have to prod for details, but a simple, "Do you mean break from the relationship or from hanging-out so often?" would go a long way for your own piece of mind.

Try as hard as you can to not waste energy thinking about hypotheticals; it's emotionally exhausting and unhelpful.

 

[Deveno]

if she's decided to leave you (for whatever reason) nothing you do will improve the situation.

if she just "needs a break" allowing her the space to do so, will probably make you closer.

either way, all that pressing the issue will do is at best reassure you (and may do harm). do you need reassurance? are you fearful? it's perhaps a bit selfish for you to want her to make you feel better.

that said, it's only human nature to want to know "how things really are". proceed with caution.

 

[zoobyshoe]

My attempt at a solution: 1) Do you think she meant more like: she will be busy for a while rather than she needs a break?

Notice exactly what she said, which is that she was stressed "for no reason". That means either she can't figure out what's eating her or, possibly, she can't see any way to discuss it with you, i.e. it's outside anything she's ever talked about with you.

The most important thing for you to take note of is that she's stressed. At this point forget about getting her to make you feel secure. Make sure she knows you wish her the best and that you wish you could help, but that you'll give her the time she asked for to sort out whatever it is.

 

[turbo]

Zooby's advice is sound. If you get "needy/clingy" on her and she's already stressed, that won't give her a great motivation to return to you. Good luck.

 

[skeptic2]

In any relationship, the one most willing to dissolve the relationship is the one who has the most power. I don't mean to suggest that this is a power game but that it can easily grow into one. If she wants to end the relationship, the best thing for you to do is to end it as quickly as possible. I think the next move is hers to make, not yours.

 

[Moonbear]

You know, being stressed for no reason and not wanting you to stay over could simply mean it's that time of the month for her and she just wants to be alone until she stops feeling moody in a day or two. Give her a few days, and if she doesn't reinitiate contact by then, then ask if there's something more to her wanting to be left alone.

 

[ephedyn]

OK, looks like the majority consensus is to give her some space. I like Moonbear's formulation of the solution the most, I'll give her a few days to reinitiate contact otherwise ask her what's going on and clarify things. Thanks a lot everyone! I know my reply sounds short but I really read each one of your suggestions carefully.

Frankly, this kinda sucks, I feel like the victim; and I'm too busy to stop and think through it.

 

[netgypsy]

From the couple who have been ecstatically happy for a million years:

Once when they were dating it was raining and his mother's car (they were college seniors so had no money) was acting up like it had the hiccups. He was in a foul mood and she said "you're in a really bad mood and I don't see it getting better. How about taking me home." And he did. And he called her the next day and they went out and had a great time and lived happily ever after.

The point being it may or may not be something significant. Treat it as though it isn't. If it is, you'll find out soon enough. The less you get upset over this type of thing the better chance you have of it being long lasting.

 

[Moonbear]

What's the update? It's been long enough to know if she needed a few days of peace and quiet or was trying to break up gently.

 

[Sabbatical]

Wow, major cliff hanger. What happened?

 

[Rajput9572]

What I see in most of the cases when there is statement like this then be prepared for the break up,Hope this will not happen to you.