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Grrr Relationships

  1. Oct 13, 2006 #1
    I don't know what to do so thought maybe one of you could help me...

    I've been in a relationship for three years but for 1.5 of those years I have wanted out (Mentally I have out grown him, I can't seem to have an intellectual chat and don't think he really knows me at all). I tried to break up with him but he got depressed so I did what I thought was the "right" thing and stayed to help him through it. Once he had gotten through his rough patch I tried to break up with him again he went into denial and he pretended he had to go before I could finnish it and he told me to think about it.

    What can I do?
     
  2. jcsd
  3. Oct 13, 2006 #2

    Danger

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    It would appear that you're being manipulated into staying, which is one very good reason to pull the ejection handle. That can be considered a form of psychological abuse. I don't know enough about your situation to comment further.
     
  4. Oct 13, 2006 #3
    I never thought of it like that.... Im just scared hes gonna get depressed and jump off a bridge or get hooked on MJ or P or something then I would have to live with that for the rest of my life
     
  5. Oct 13, 2006 #4

    Danger

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    You have to remember that you are not responsible for his actions, no matter how much he claims it. "Now look what you made me do!" {"I didn't make you do anything, you idiot. You did it on your own."}
    And if he's unstable enough to do what you suspect, you're not safe in the relationship anyway.
     
  6. Oct 13, 2006 #5
    There will always be that guilt that "I could've done something". I guess you are right tho
     
  7. Oct 13, 2006 #6

    Danger

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    If you stay with him and he does something stupid anyway (which he will if it's in his nature at all), you'll still feel the same way. You might as well be enjoying your own life in the meanwhile.
     
  8. Oct 13, 2006 #7
    Thanks for helping
     
  9. Oct 13, 2006 #8

    Danger

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    Hey, you helped me first. :smile:
     
  10. Oct 14, 2006 #9

    Astronuc

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    If that's the case, that is his decision. Based on the comments, it's time to bail. Danger is correct in the assessment of manipulation - and that is not part of a healthy relationship. Go find a nice gentlemen who cares about you and with whom you can have an intellectual and healthy relationship. :approve:
     
  11. Oct 14, 2006 #10

    Ivan Seeking

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    Dump the bum. He's a manipulator and it will only get worse. And if he does go off the deep end, that's not your problem; give him the number for a help line. You have a right to choose your relationships without being threatened.
     
    Last edited: Oct 14, 2006
  12. Oct 14, 2006 #11
    Thanks guys I will do it just need to do it person which is hard!! I don't usually do the breaking up just usually do something that I know they won't like and then they break up with me (its the easy way) but this ones a clinger
     
  13. Oct 14, 2006 #12

    DaveC426913

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    Rather than a deliberate manipulator, he is likely just emotionally immature:

    "Mentally I have out grown him, I can't seem to have an intellectual chat..."
     
  14. Oct 14, 2006 #13

    DaveC426913

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    Be kind, but stick to your guns. He will likely try the usual techniques, escalating to more dramatic threats as the first ones don't work. Don't let him suck you in. And don't get into discussions of details - he will also try to bargain with you and then out-argue you. If you are committed and sure of yourself, there's no need to engage in the drama.

    "Just because he's selling it, doesn't mean to have to buy it."
     
    Last edited: Oct 14, 2006
  15. Oct 14, 2006 #14
    I fear this part... I can see it now.. me getting angry and frustrated because he's not understanding the phrase "I want to break up" (like last time.)
     
  16. Oct 14, 2006 #15

    turbo

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    Please don't get trapped in this. Your life, and the quality of your life has value to you, to your friends and to your family. If you stay in a stifling relationship because of fear or guilt, you are squandering that value. You have only one life to live, and you deserve to have a fair shot at happiness. The break-up may not be pleasant for you, but it is necessary, and will probably benefit both of you in the long run. If you stayed because of guilt or avoidance of conflict, resentment would eventually spoil any posibility of happiness and pleasure between you.

    Good luck.
     
  17. Oct 14, 2006 #16

    Astronuc

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    That could be the case, but the end result is the same. If the manipulation works in maintaining the relationship, it will be used again. Such a relationship is unhealthy and unfair.

    rhuthwaite - just tell this guy its over - that it's not working for you - and that you're moving on. Consider taking a friend for support. As Dave said, be kind - wish him well - but be firm and move on. If your not married - your not obligated to stay in a relationship that is not healty. And if you were married, you would probably have to consider a divorce.

    Manipulation and coercion are totally wrong - no exceptions.
     
  18. Oct 14, 2006 #17
    Don't say it like this, it leaves room for interpretation. If you say you want to break up, he'll interpret it as, "you want to break up because things aren't how they used to be, but they can be, so really you don't want to break up..." or something to that effect.

    Instead say you ARE breaking up with him.


    Imagine it from a business point of view. Imagine you have worked for a company for a few years, and one day your boss says, "can I speak with you for a moment". You walk into the office and sit down, and he says "I'm thinking about letting you go". What is your first thought? Mine would be... "sheeshhh, I thought I was going to get fired."

    So the boss then expains how things have not been going very well lately, but never actually says the words "you are fired".
    If those words are never said, the statement of intent is not clear, and the problem and solution is not well defined.

    You need to be sharp, and say how things are going to be. Imagine them this way. Imagine how much better they will be for you. If you know what you want when you go into the situation it will be much easier for you. I know you have feelings and can't be a robot, because at one point you cared about him (and probably still do). But I would imagine you care about yourself more then him, so do what you need to do. Just don't give him a choice.

    Plus if this dude is saying that he is going to hurt himself, or implying that he will if you break up with him, then he is being cruel to you! Why should you have to deal with kind of pressure? If he loves you, why would he say something like that?
     
    Last edited: Oct 14, 2006
  19. Oct 14, 2006 #18
    Since you've mentally outgrown him than you need to accept the responsibility that comes with being the smartest. The fools cannot fend for themselves; the intelligentsia must fend for them.

    Date a fool and you will have complete control of the relationship. This would include ending the relationship. If you'd feel guilty if he hurt himself than you must devise a way to break up with him in such a manner that he will not hurt himself. Since you came here, you may already know all this and are just unable to contrive a way to be successful. Well, usually no one can help anyone with these sorts of problems (because people are too dynamic). A solution can be found after having thorough understanding of your boyfriend since you have to be able to predict what he will do.

    But why don't you try telling him you don't want to see him anymore and then completely ignore him. Never talk to him again. "Still friends" would not be an option, obviously. In previous lifetimes I have been considered a master manipulator and I can assure you this is related to my skills in psychoanalysis. I think your boyfriend will try to contact you face-to-face and when you publicly blow him off he'll try to privately contact you face-to -face and when you shut the door he'll never try again.

    My solution is probably not an option for you and the fact that I spent time answering is called a paradox. Oh well.

    Yours truly,

    The Third Anti-Christ:devil:
     
  20. Oct 14, 2006 #19

    Danger

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    Frogpad, that business situation was great. Cudos, m'man.
    Ruth... if all else fails, tell him that Uncle Danger will make the necessary travel arrangements to appear on site and ensure that he spends the rest of his life regretting that he'd ever been born. :devil:
     
  21. Oct 14, 2006 #20
    Aww thanks Uncle Danger thats really kind of you!
    Thanks everyone else as well your advice has been appreciated Im just gonna have to make the time to see hima dn do it and make sure that I have got a nice margaritta to come home to
     
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