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Having extremely hard time letting go (serious viewers only)

  1. Feb 7, 2015 #1
    I have been thinking about this situation I am currently in for awhile now and have talked to a few close friends about the situation I am in now... I am sure a few of you might have been in the same position as I am awhile ago or now...

    Here we go...

    A little over half a year ago I had met a young lady... We met through a friend in school... When I first met this young lady I could kind of tell she was into me... For example, when I got up to leave the "study room" she asked me where I am going and when I will be back, asked if I wanted to go to lunch, asked me when I will txt here (this was after I got her number), the way she looked at me gave me the vibe she was interested, etc...

    As soon as you ladies and gents here about this next fact about her you will say "red flag!"

    So she was separated from her fiance... Her fiance suffers depression and has a hard time showing affection... The intimacy between them was lacking big time... She didn't feel wanted anymore so she asked him if he could go see a counselor, instead of accepting her wishes he refused to and that is when they put the wedding on hold and were separated because she didn't want to be with someone who wasn't going to love her right...

    Her and I met up for coffee. She was expressing her emotions with me about the situation she was in with her ex fiance. After her found out she liked me I had to find out if she was married or had a bf (this was before she told me her situation. I am sorry, telling the story completely backwards.) Before she told me about her situation I had to make sure she didn't have a boyfriend and I found out she was engaged or thought she was engaged... But when we met up for coffee she told me they were separated... I wasn't going to ask, instead wait until she told me... And she told me very quickly...

    We got to know each other as friends... She was more into me than I was into her because I wasn't wanting a relationship because I am in the middle of earning a degree and she has a son... The ex fiance isn't the original father... We hung out over the weekends, found out we have a lot in common and share the same interest... I couldn't face the facts of raising a child... I even told her straight up I can't raise her son, not interested at all... She really wanted me to raise him as well as accept her... I am not an easy person to persuade... She was an attractive women on the outside, but isn't the only aspect I would like a woman. I introduced her to my family and friends, everyone loved her... Then I started to find out I started to have feelings for her... It takes me a very long time to open up. (Been hurt too many times). I was doing a lot of pushing her away and then pulling her back because there were some things I really enjoyed about her and somethings I didn't really care for...

    So when the ex fiance found out about me he sent me some very unfriendly txt msg, threatened me a few times, and was acting foolishly around her and her son. The ex fiance got so angry he told "his son" that his mother was a dumb B****... Why would you tell your "son" his mother is that??? Why would you get angry??? You had your opportunity to change or get some serious help...

    So one day she (the girl I am interested in), found out her ex fiance was seeing another woman. As soon as she found out she realized the feelings for him were still there... She was so torn at this point.... It went back and forth between me and him. She made a decision to leave him and go her own way... But of course she was extremely devastated... I was able to hold onto her for awhile until the ex fiance was able to use this other woman to make his ex fiance want him back... The day she told me it was over between her and I she went to the ER...

    A few days later she let me know she stilled loved me... I told her it's over... I said I am happy your fiance wants to get counseling now and is willing to make some changes.. It's time for me to go my own way... (I was pretty hurt and emotionally drained because I dropped a class I was currently taking. I had to go back to work). She didn't want me to go, but I knew it was going to be the best for her and I both... A few weeks later she tries to contact me, then a month tries to contact me again...

    We talk again... Now she is married... She still loves me... This is the situation I currently am in now... She got married for more religion reasons something I understand... Her husband went back to his old ways after counseling. He was doing well for the first month or two while in counseling, but reverted back to his old ways. She was very open with me about her choices. She has been honest with me why she chose the path she did... She wants her son to live a healthy lifestyle and wants her son to know he has a father which is something I understand. Her and I realized we can't be friends again because of the emotional connection we have for each other. She told me the connection with me is different than any of the connections she has had with other men even the father of her child. When the guy, the father of the child, left she didn't care. She wasn't emotionally attached to him. However, with me it was different... She told me it was extremely hard for her to say goodbye. She told me the love for me will probably be there for the rest of her life and my love for her will be the same. While her and I were dating I was imagining us together for life and started to adjust emotionally and mentally for her son. I asked her what the status was like between her and her husband now. There is no form of intimacy between them, not even a sexual relationship. I did some more research on the position I currently am in now. I wanted to know if this is lust or love... It's half of love because she told me I can't support her son financially. She is absolutely right... I am a poor student... She didn't want me to give up my career... I am a little older than your average college aged student... She is also older than me by a few years...

    We been talking a lot... I am a very stubborn person to leave her behind and so is she. I spoke to another friend about the situation... My friend told me she is unhappy... Being romantic just comes natural for me. I always have the drive to express my love in all ways... I just don't quite understand how a man can't be a pursuer. I am sure the romance can take a dip when being with someone for 2 to 3 years or longer, but why stop stirring the fire?

    She often talks to me when her husband is not being a "man" she tells me he complains about his job how he hates it or complains about how he doesn't want to go to school, complains about money, and then just gets stressed out.

    I was raised in a home where my father hardly got stressed out or complained about life in general. We definitely had our hard times. At some times in my life growing up we were barely getting through, tight on money, and barely paying the bills. My dad didn't show any signs of stress. He just seem to keep it all inside and knew he would get us through this hard time. Growing up with that father who didn't show any signs of stress, complain, pity himself, or be moody just came to show me that being in a relationship is all about her needs and emotions. Yeah we men can show our emotions to a certain extent, but the last thing we want to do is overwhelm her. A woman needs a man who can be emotionally stable and support her financially. (The one thing I could do, but finishing my career would take longer). In all honesty I want her... More than what I have going on now with her I want to be her man and her my woman, but of course I know it's not going to happen... I do appreciate her being here for me and being of encouragement.

    I am open to anything, suggestions, stories, opinions, etc. I am having a really hard time posting this message because in all honesty I am a very stubborn person... =) (Haha) BTW this young lady I met wasn't my first... I've had a few relationships that lasted longer than a year and this woman is just different than what I have experienced in the past. I've never connected with this woman I am currently talking to with previous girlfriends.
     
  2. jcsd
  3. Feb 7, 2015 #2
    Sounds very tough, sorry to hear it. The problem is she is now married, so she is completely off the table and you shouldn't pursue her. It is time to move on. Do what you need to do. If she does love you then she might leave on her own, but you can't be apart of it. You must break communication and move on.

    This book helped me gain perspective a few times
    https://www.amazon.com/Letting-Person-You-Used-Transformation/dp/0767908740
     
  4. Feb 7, 2015 #3

    Matterwave

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    Gold Member

    If you pursue her now, you'll be the home wrecker no matter which way you look at it. Even if she's not happy in her relationship, it'll still be all on you. If she wants to leave her husband of her own accord, then that's her decision to make, not yours.
     
  5. Feb 10, 2015 #4
    Unfortunately, I don't believe she will ever leave him no matter how much she gets annoyed with him... We kind of discussed this already but she won't leave unless he cheated on her... The guy she is married to is extremely jealous, a coward, and pities himself often... He lacks giving intimacy to her so I don't see how he would want to pursue another woman... Still I don't understand how a guy who is married to a beautiful, kind, loving woman doesn't want to initiate his wife...The last time we spoke to each other she told me her husband asked his boss he was going to quit since, the woman I love, has a full time job. She was furious and PO at him for just wanting to quit before finding a different job...

    I hate this...
     
  6. Feb 11, 2015 #5
    Well thanks for the advice gentleman...
     
  7. Feb 11, 2015 #6

    SixNein

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    Letting go is one of life's hardest lessons.
     
  8. Feb 16, 2015 #7
    Okay ladies and gentleman... I've thought about this matter for a long time, did a lot of reading on the web about people who have been in my situation and what she is going through as well. I've realized I am deeply in love with her even though she is married... Matterwave and Greg made some good points about the matter... I figure if we are meant to be together later in life for whatever reason it will happen because of how much love we have for each other. The last person I want to be is the home wrecker or the person their to help her emotionally when she is sad because that is not my place or business. I don't want her to leave based on my decision, rather her decision.

    This is extremely hard for me... No joke... I will keep you updated... Thanks everyone.
     
  9. Feb 19, 2015 #8

    Ryan_m_b

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    Staff Emeritus
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    Letting go is extremely hard, sometimes it's very much like a bereavement. All you can do is go on focusing on yourself.
     
  10. Feb 21, 2015 #9

    Pythagorean

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    It's in your best interest to get her out of your life. Remember that statistically, there's probably oodles of people out there that are more fit for you.

     
  11. Mar 17, 2015 #10
    I am ME_student. The reason I have another account is because I am having a bit of hard time logging into my "ME_student" account... Admins if you could please help assist me that would be great.

    She basically ended it... I guess her husband has been "nice" to her lately so she felt guilty and pushed me away again... Honestly, glad she did because I was having hard time letting her go.

    Like everyone said she is taken and it's time to move on... Plus I don't want to be the home wrecker... And to be honest with all of you if she did ever get rid of her husband I don't think I would want to step into a relationship with her because she is just all over the place.. I need a women who is stable mentally...
     
  12. May 2, 2015 #11
    Serious question here.

    I asked my ex very nicely if I could get a textbook I let her borrow because she was going to take the same class as well as the time we were dating. She blocked my number, she blocked me on facebook as well. She hasn't blocked me through email yet... She is mad at me because I stated something to her before we decided to go our own ways. Knowing her pretty well she knows I am right, but she won't admit it. Now that she knows I am right she doesn't want to even acknowledge me for a split second. I told her it's okay what she has done. It's better that she was faithful to her husband and I not be involved with her... I can only see her in harmony for her husband for a short amount of time... I feel like she won't give me my text book back because she wants me around still... I don't want to be around! I want something that belongs to me and just get the heck out for good. I need this textbook because I take the course next term... Can't people just act like adults? The two messages on FB were kind and I told her it was good for us not to be involved because I don't want to ruin her marriage. This has taught me never to get involved with a woman who is married... Suggestions?
     
  13. May 2, 2015 #12
    Forget the textbook
     
  14. May 2, 2015 #13

    jedishrfu

    Staff: Mentor

    I'm with Greg on this forget the textbook.

    See if you can buy a used one online.

    With respect to your story, there is more to it than you may realize. As I read, I ask myself after having so much trouble with her fiancé she doesn't just dump him and instead she is attracted to you? The only answer I can come up with is she is using you to make him jealous enough to marry her and that perhaps she likes this kind of attention.

    I have a friend who met someone at his work and started dating only to discover that she is married and her husband works in the next building. He was extremely mad, mad enough to want to beat anyone who looked at his wife up. It was really serious and we counseled him to get out of there quick. In so many of these situations, people are assaulted and even killed.

    Please be careful.
     
  15. May 2, 2015 #14

    Evo

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    Staff: Mentor

    I have had many married men attracted to me over the years, I refuse to get involved. First, if a man is that unhappy in his marriage, he should get a divorce and give his wife a chance to find someone else. Second, I will not be responsible for causing pain to another woman whose husband decides to cheat on her. There is NO excuse for anyone to cheat on their spouse, if they want another relationship, then they need to have the courage to end the relationship they are in. I cannot feel attraction to someone that thinks cheating is ok. Even though many of these men would have been someone I could have married if they had been single, the fact that they couldn't/wouldn't end their marriage killed it. I'm not some slimy "other woman".

    Take the advice given here and forget this woman, nothing good will come of it.
     
  16. May 8, 2015 #15
    Thanks Evo. I have taken everyones advice here. The recovery process has been good so far just staying busy with school and doing things to better myself. Like I said earlier glad I didn't ruin her marriage. I think the hardest part was recovering from the fact she blamed me for everything and had the mindset that she didn't do anything wrong... I hate when people don't take partial blame for something they did intentionally. I am never, ever getting involved with a woman who is engaged or married. There is too much at stake...
     
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