How can I attract him?

  • #1
shahrzad1994
4
0
Hi every one,I have a problem and I want you to help me 4 years ago I had a boy friend and I was in a relation ship but he was unfaithful and he broke up with me and he became friend with my friend after that I was very sad I couldn't continue my usual life and I was not successful in all part of my life so now I don't have any self reliance and I'm very sad and on the other hand I feel lonely and I feel that i really want to forget every thing and start a new life there is a boy and he is my social friend but I really like him and I think he likes me too but he doesn't say any thing.how can I attract him? How can I make him ask me to start a relationship with each other?
 

Answers and Replies

  • #2
Julio R
51
1
If you think he likes you, then you can talk to him and see if he says anything. Maybe you could give him some hints about your attraction towards him.
 
  • #3
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Hi every one,I have a problem and I want you to help me 4 years ago I had a boy friend and I was in a relation ship but he was unfaithful and he broke up with me and he became friend with my friend after that I was very sad I couldn't continue my usual life and I was not successful in all part of my life so now I don't have any self reliance and I'm very sad and on the other hand I feel lonely and I feel that i really want to forget every thing and start a new life there is a boy and he is my social friend but I really like him and I think he likes me too but he doesn't say any thing.how can I attract him? How can I make him ask me to start a relationship with each other?

The best way is to ask him out for daytime tea or lunch or whatever is the custom and then see what happens from there. Maybe you have some common interests that can result in going to the library or see a movie or concert. You can sound desperate and you cant push yourself on him. A good relationship has to come naturally and slowly.
 
  • #4
shahrzad1994
4
0
If you think he likes you, then you can talk to him and see if he says anything. Maybe you could give him some hints about your attraction towards him.

You know in our culture it's not very suitable for a girl to tell a boy that she likes him it makes them deny her.i don't know how to give some hints to him.
 
  • #5
shahrzad1994
4
0
The best way is to ask him out for daytime tea or lunch or whatever is the custom and then see what happens from there. Maybe you have some common interests that can result in going to the library or see a movie or concert. You can sound desperate and you cant push yourself on him. A good relationship has to come naturally and slowly.

It's been near 5 months that we are going to movies concerts and other places with each other we go shopping some time he hold my hands but he doesn't say any thing! And I can't understand is he just my close friend or he likes me?
 
  • #6
13,729
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You know in our culture it's not very suitable for a girl to tell a boy that she likes him it makes them deny her.i don't know how to give some hints to him.

But she could express an interest to his female cousin or sister or use the mother to mother connection...
 
  • #7
shahrzad1994
4
0
But she could express an interest to his female cousin or sister or use the mother to mother connection...

Sorry, I'm a girl and I'm talking about a boy !
 
  • #8
shahrzad1994
4
0
But she could express an interest to his female cousin or sister or use the mother to mother connection...

Sorry for wrong reply I can't understand the point of your sentences what do you mean bye them?
 
  • #9
Drakkith
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Sorry for wrong reply I can't understand the point of your sentences what do you mean bye them?

I think they mean talk to a female relative of his and tell them you're interested in him and perhaps they can "pass the message along". That way you're not going directly to him. Or they can pressure him to ask you out without directly telling him you're interested, if that's a little more appropriate.
 
  • #10
shahrzad1994
4
0
I think they mean talk to a female relative of his and tell them you're interested in him and perhaps they can "pass the message along". That way you're not going directly to him. Or they can pressure him to ask you out without directly telling him you're interested, if that's a little more appropriate.

Thanks for your explanation.his sister is one of my close friends but as I said before I don't have self reliance and I afraid of tell any thing about him to any one.specially our mutual friends or the member of his family
 
  • #11
Drakkith
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Thanks for your explanation.his sister is one of my close friends but as I said before I don't have self reliance and I afraid of tell any thing about him to any one.specially our mutual friends or the member of his family

Are you willing to risk never being together because both of you are too afraid to make the first move?
 
  • #12
arildno
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Then you must find out, sharzad1984, where he typically goes, and that are suitable for a girl like you to turn up as well.
Basically, if you feel it socially impossible to make the initiative yourself, then must make it easy for him to take the initiative.
 
  • #13
shahrzad1994
4
0
Are you willing to risk never being together because both of you are too afraid to make the first move?

Oh that's the point,I'm not wiling for that actually I afraid of that! But you know I don't want to start it,last not I said to him if you like a girl you should tell her and he said if a gir likes a boy she should tell him..so?
 
  • #14
shahrzad1994
4
0
Then you must find out, sharzad1984, where he typically goes, and that are suitable for a girl like you to turn up as well.
Basically, if you feel it socially impossible to make the initiative yourself, then must make it easy for him to take the initiative.

But how can I do that?
 
  • #15
jtbell
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in our culture [...]

I guess from your username that this is an Islamic culture, correct?

Your problem is surely a common one for women in such cultures, and they have developed strategies for dealing with it. However, I don't think we have many women on PF who have experience with this. Most of the advice you get here will probably be from an "outsider's" point of view.
 
  • #16
shahrzad1994
4
0
I guess from your username that this is an Islamic culture, correct?

Your problem is surely a common one for women in such cultures, and they have developed strategies for dealing with it. However, I don't think we have many women on PF who have experience with this. Most of the advice you get here will probably be from an "outsider's" point of view.

Yeah you're right I'm living in Iran.so you mean because of I'm a person who is dealing with Islamic culture no one from outside can help me??
 
  • #17
Student100
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Yeah you're right I'm living in Iran.so you mean because of I'm a person who is dealing with Islamic culture no one from outside can help me??

It would be hard, because we do it differently in western culture.

The only thing I can think to tell you is to not try so hard, maybe even pretend to lose interest in this boy. That may trigger a response in him to pursue you more vigorously.

That normally works universally.
 
  • #18
shahrzad1994
4
0
It would be hard, because we do it differently in western culture.

The only thing I can think to tell you is to not try so hard, maybe even pretend to lose interest in this boy. That may trigger a response in him to pursue you more vigorously.

That normally works universally.

All right,I have a question.is it suitable for a girl to ask for a relationship in your culture? Don't you think if a girl do this it makes the boy feeling important and selfish so that he starts to deny her instead of being interested in her? I think the mens are mens ! And it's their nature and this is some thing separated from any culture..and thanks for your advice! I guess it will help! :)
 
  • #19
arildno
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"Don't you think if a girl do this it makes the boy feeling important and selfish so that he starts to deny her instead of being interested in her? "

Nope.
Boys are certainly dumb and vain, but they are not duplicitous. That's a girl thing (in MY opinion!). BOys tend to be overjoyed that a girl could possibly take interest in them, and have strong difficulties hiding it (up to a point, that is, don't overdo it).

The important thing for you to remember, particularly within your cultural setting is to ALWAYS care about your own dignity (or what others regard that as), meaning specifically that if the boy is overeager, YOU are the one to keep the strict limits you think is appropriate.

To express, or let him know that you have warm feelings towards him should NOT lead him believe he can take advantage of you, and if he does, tell him straight out you are very disappointed he did not show more respect towards you.
---:
 
  • #20
Drakkith
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All right,I have a question.is it suitable for a girl to ask for a relationship in your culture? Don't you think if a girl do this it makes the boy feeling important and selfish so that he starts to deny her instead of being interested in her? I think the mens are mens ! And it's their nature and this is some thing separated from any culture..and thanks for your advice! I guess it will help! :)

Actually I had a girl ask me out recently.
It was awesome.
 
  • #21
arildno
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Your culture can seem very forbidding and harsh to us, in particular on those matters that matter most for most of us humans (wherever we live!), namely those matters concerned with love and personal relationships.

You need to keep a cool head about this, and how to proceed.
Do you have an older relative you really trust, like a grandmother or uncle?
Or is it some local holy man or imam who you really feel is a good, generous and considerate and discreet person, who might give you some good advice? Especially how to make your interest known, without compromising expectations of propriety on your part?
 
  • #22
shahrzad1994
4
0
"Don't you think if a girl do this it makes the boy feeling important and selfish so that he starts to deny her instead of being interested in her? "

Nope.
Boys are certainly dumb and vain, but they are not duplicitous. That's a girl thing (in MY opinion!). BOys tend to be overjoyed that a girl could possibly take interest in them, and have strong difficulties hiding it (up to a point, that is, don't overdo it).

The important thing for you to remember, particularly within your cultural setting is to ALWAYS care about your own dignity (or what others regard that as), meaning specifically that if the boy is overeager, YOU are the one to keep the strict limits you think is appropriate.

To express, or let him know that you have warm feelings towards him should NOT lead him believe he can take advantage of you, and if he does, tell him straight out you are very disappointed he did not show more respect towards you.
---:

Hmmmmmm,so you think should I tell him directly that I like him or should I show him some thing that makes him understand that I like him? If the answer is yes how? As you said I don't want to overdo it. I'm worried about it too.and the rest of your advices was really helpful and I will use them! Thanks . And I appreciate you didn't dissappointed me because of my culture despite the others!
 
  • #23
arildno
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Hmmmmmm,so you think should I tell him directly that I like him or should I show him some thing that makes him understand that I like him?
Here, I think you first and foremost must judge for yourself!
But, perhaps:
Is it something you know HE is very interested in?
You shouldn't play totally false in pretending you are as interested in the subject (say, he loves to go bird watching, or do calligraphy, or whatever) as he is, but if you really like him, aren't you also, on your own part a bit interested in what he finds interesting in the subject he likes?

Thus, if you could express an interest in something he really likes, perhaps you can get together in a socially acceptable way due to a common interest, and let the relationship develop from there?
 
  • #24
shahrzad1994
4
0
Your culture can seem very forbidding and harsh to us, in particular on those matters that matter most for most of us humans (wherever we live!), namely those matters concerned with love and personal relationships.

You need to keep a cool head about this, and how to proceed.
Do you have an older relative you really trust, like a grandmother or uncle?
Or is it some local holy man or imam who you really feel is a good, generous and considerate and discreet person, who might give you some good advice? Especially how to make your interest known, without compromising expectations of propriety on your part?

"Your culture seem very forbidding and harsh to us" I don't know why is that? Why you think this way? I don't know about other Islamic countries but in Iran nowadays it's not like that....this beliefs is just for our republican and their relatives because of their benefits! And if you heard the news our people hate them . If you visit Iran you will see the boys and girls are having relationship with each other they start it usually from high school in most cases their families know about it and even in higher levels they go to each other's house.the problem is because of we are living under the Islamic republic we are having a paradoxes for example high school's student have boy friend or girl friend but if they talk about it in school they will be fire ! They don't teach us any thing about these thing we just study physics and formulas in our school that's the reason why I come here and ask you how can I attract him??? And the answer to your question is yes and all of my family know him my sister is friend with him but I don't talk a lot about him they know that I like him but in home I deny it and I say we are just friends! I don't think our holy man or imam want to hear about these things at all ! But maybe a psychologist can help.
 
  • #25
shahrzad1994
4
0
Here, I think you first and foremost must judge for yourself!
But, perhaps:
Is it something you know HE is very interested in?
You shouldn't play totally false in pretending you are as interested in the subject (say, he loves to go bird watching, or do calligraphy, or whatever) as he is, but if you really like him, aren't you also, on your own part a bit interested in what he finds interesting in the subject he likes?

Thus, if you could express an interest in something he really likes, perhaps you can get together in a socially acceptable way due to a common interest, and let the relationship develop from there?

Why should I judge myself??
Yeaaaaaah we become friends because of our interest. Both of are astronomer he has studied physics and I'm studying physics both of us are interested in classical music and we go to concerts,we go to scientific clubs.we talk about our interest for hours, but I haven't seen any effect of them for our relation ship!
You know I was thinking maybe it's not good that both of us are scientific persons maybe he need a girl who make up for him who change the color of the heirs every month and you know I'm not like that! Some times I doubt that I'm a girl and maybe that's the point.
 
  • #26
arildno
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Well, but isn't some of your problems here that even though MOST individuals are perfectly decent and appeciative about young men and women forming natural bonds, there are SOME busybodies around that really can make things really ugly for you personally?

For us "in the West", that unfortunate aspect is what strikes us most in the eye, even though I BELIEVE you now when you say the vast majority around you are perfectly understanding and accepting that relationships SHOULD develop between two young persons.

THAT is why I mentioned this about caution on your part, but if you feel that isn't really an issue here, then I apologize for being prejudicial.
 
  • #27
arildno
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Why should I judge myself??
Yeaaaaaah we become friends because of our interest. Both of are astronomer he has studied physics and I'm studying physics both of us are interested in classical music and we go to concerts,we go to scientific clubs.we talk about our interest for hours, but I haven't seen any effect of them for our relation ship!
You know I was thinking maybe it's not good that both of us are scientific persons maybe he need a girl who make up for him who change the color of the heirs every month and you know I'm not like that! Some times I doubt that I'm a girl and maybe that's the point.
Well, then I must say that your NEXT step really ought to be you tell him you really do like him on the personal level (in some way), rather than let the relationship stay cold.

And NO, you are a full woman, just like anyone else, and NO, what he REALLY needs is just a girl like you who share his spiritual and intellectual interests as well.

If he is so dumb he marries a henbrain rather than you, he will get tired of her after a year or two.
With YOU, his fascination and love will remain forever.
 
  • #28
arildno
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A question:
Have you thought that maybe he really does feel intrigued by you, but that he is a bit too scared to make the initiative himself?
Perhaps he thinks he is not worthy of you (regarding you as the smarter of the two of you, for example), and does not want to destroy the friendship you already have?

He might be in the same thought processes that YOU are having, neither of you saying the words that need to be said.
--
 
  • #29
Astronuc
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You know in our culture it's not very suitable for a girl to tell a boy that she likes him it makes them deny her.i don't know how to give some hints to him.
How about reading Saadi Shirazi (Saʿdī: سعدی‎) or Rumi ghazals (or other poems or works) to him?

Personally, I prefer the direct approach in such matters.
 
  • #30
shahrzad1994
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Well, but isn't some of your problems here that even though MOST individuals are perfectly decent and appeciative about young men and women forming natural bonds, there are SOME busybodies around that really can make things really ugly for you personally?

For us "in the West", that unfortunate aspect is what strikes us most in the eye, even though I BELIEVE you now when you say the vast majority around you are perfectly understanding and accepting that relationships SHOULD develop between two young persons.

THAT is why I mentioned this about caution on your part, but if you feel that isn't really an issue here, then I apologize for being prejudicial.

No no there is no need to apologize for any thing . I understand that you are far from my country and If you just watch some movies on YouTube maybe you don't like to help me any more and maybe if I were in you shoes I was thinking the same way..
Yes you are right the busybodies make that really ugly for us I remember in school a women who was teaching us about religious said that if you're hand touch another men's. Hand then you'll go to hell!!! If you feel you are in love with a boy god won't forgive you, just marriage is acceptable
That is the things they learn us! But you know our families our people our youth o
Are smart and educated so they didn't pay attention to these things and just like me tried to develope themselves and solve their problems, having relationship in a good way ,in a universall way not in a way that they told them.
 
  • #31
shahrzad1994
4
0
A question:
Have you thought that maybe he really does feel intrigued by you, but that he is a bit too scared to make the initiative himself?
Perhaps he thinks he is not worthy of you (regarding you as the smarter of the two of you, for example), and does not want to destroy the friendship you already have?

He might be in the same thought processes that YOU are having, neither of you saying the words that need to be said.
--

Wow I think you are very smart! Cause last night I was thinking about these things .cause you know we were just kidding with each other and I said we'll tell me about your relation ship and he said I've become friend with a girl but she doesn't know and I told him so go and tell her and he said I know she knows that I like her she should say some thing now and then I became stressful and I just went silent and he start to explain you are my best friend I don't want to loose our friendship forever I done my best scientific project with you and...so on.
That makes me think about the sentences you've said
And for your information that's the exact thing and important thing I afraid of that's is the important reason I don't show him any thing cause we are very very good friends in all aspects and I afraid starting any thing may destroy it and I don't want it I!
 
Last edited:
  • #32
shahrzad1994
4
0
How about reading Saadi Shirazi (Sad: ‎) or Rumi ghazals (or other poems or works) to him?

Personally, I prefer the direct approach in such matters.

Wow it's surprising for me that you know our poems I appriciate and it made me smile! Yeah I think it can be a good way and I haven't thought about it yet thanks!
 
  • #33
shahrzad1994
4
0
Well, then I must say that your NEXT step really ought to be you tell him you really do like him on the personal level (in some way), rather than let the relationship stay cold.

And NO, you are a full woman, just like anyone else, and NO, what he REALLY needs is just a girl like you who share his spiritual and intellectual interests as well.

If he is so dumb he marries a henbrain rather than you, he will get tired of her after a year or two.
With YOU, his fascination and love will remain forever.

Oooooo your sentences was very strong and made me feeling relax and you gave me the feelings of having enough self reliance I just think you're right! Thanks.. :)
 
  • #34
lisab
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Hi shahrzad1994, welcome to PF :smile!

I'm sorry I don't know your culture well. But earlier you said, sometimes you and this boy hold hands. Here in the US, that usually means you are interested in each other in a romantic way. What does it mean in your culture?
 
  • #35
shahrzad1994
4
0
Hi shahrzad1994, welcome to PF :smile!

I'm sorry I don't know your culture well. But earlier you said, sometimes you and this boy hold hands. Here in the US, that usually means you are interested in each other in a romantic way. What does it mean in your culture?

Thanks,forget about my culture! We'll you're right in our culture it has the same meaning! And I remember once we went out of the town for two days for observing the sky and when we were in the cars and we were backing to our city I said oh I'm so tired and he opend his hand and said come sleep here and I put my head on his shoulder and he put his head on my head and on that time he was holding my hand too,you know after that day I was depressed for many days caue it bothers me.whats the meaning of all of these things? If he is interested why he doesn't say any thing???
 

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