How to give pills to your cat or dog

  • #1
Ivan Seeking
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How To Give Your Cat A Pill

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door on neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot,drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.


HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL

1. Wrap it in bacon.

2. Toss it in the air
 

Answers and Replies

  • #2
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ROFL!!! So true, so true. And the scathing look on the vet's face when you say you can't get them to take the pill is priceless!
 
  • #3
Evo
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Ivan, that was hysterical! I needed that. :biggrin:

Anyone that's ever tried to give pills to a pet can relate.
 
  • #4
Ivan Seeking
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Tsu and I both laughed until we couldn't take it anymore. My stomach still hurts.
 
  • #5
Moonbear
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LOL! That's great! Did you know there is a such thing as a pill gun? Yep, learned about that working with farm animals. It's a spring-loaded contraption that you stick in their mouth and it pitches the pill to the back of their throat so they have to swallow it (and keeps you from getting your fingers between their teeth). Very nice toy to have :-)

What I have never figured out is why it is that when you have two animals and one needs to get a pill, that one will spit it out repeatedly while the one that isn't supposed to get it will try its hardest to gobble the pill out of your hand.
 
  • #6
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This is one of the funniest things I have ever read. It's so true. I give my dog pills by wrapping them in liverwurst and tossing them to her.
 
  • #7
matthyaouw
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How to successfully give a cat a pill:
Grind it up and smear it on your cat's paw. It will lick itself in an attempt to clean it off.

(or so I've heard, anyway)
 
  • #8
jcsd
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Just use suppositories
 
  • #9
Evo
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jcsd said:
Just use suppositories
Oh yeah? Know anyone that gave a cat a suppository and lived to talk about it? :surprised
 
  • #10
jimmy p
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We have to do one cat a day. You jump the cat, wrestle it to the ground and force the pill down its throat. Unfortunately you cant surprise more than one cat a day, and as we have 8 cats it takes over a week to get them done.
 
  • #11
BobG
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Moonbear said:
LOL! That's great! Did you know there is a such thing as a pill gun? Yep, learned about that working with farm animals. It's a spring-loaded contraption that you stick in their mouth and it pitches the pill to the back of their throat so they have to swallow it (and keeps you from getting your fingers between their teeth). Very nice toy to have :-)

What I have never figured out is why it is that when you have two animals and one needs to get a pill, that one will spit it out repeatedly while the one that isn't supposed to get it will try its hardest to gobble the pill out of your hand.
Does that work something like this?
 

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  • #12
BoulderHead
Evo said:
Oh yeah? Know anyone that gave a cat a suppository and lived to talk about it? :surprised
I am still alive, yes, but the cat didn't make it.


As best I can remember how to meet with success when attempting to give cat a pill;

1) Grease it first, because dry pills will stick and cause pain.
2) Hold cat and open mouth similar to Ivan's step one.
3) Push pill far to the rear of cats mouth so tongue cannot move it forward.
4) Hold cat's mouth closed for a couple of seconds.
5) Apologize to cat (kiss its @$$ a time or two will work).
 

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