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I am confused i need help !

  1. Feb 23, 2012 #1
    i am confused i need help!!!!!!!!!!!

    i and my boyfriend broke up after one and a half years of relationship. the reason for the break up he gave was he was getting married with another person and he hates it and he wanted me to be in his life atleast as a friend. he became all depressed and dramatic. not that i was. and later i help him out and i come to know he has married his ex girl friend. and he wants to be part of his life no matter what? and i don't know if i will be able to handle it because these days he is just giving me crap and saying it is my mistake for what he is turning out to be.and i can't tolerate when he is in problem. i want to be with him when things are not alright for him and till now i have been for him.
  2. jcsd
  3. Feb 23, 2012 #2


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    Re: i am confused i need help!!!!!!!!!!!

    Hey rvce and welcome to the forums.

    I want to preface my reply in saying that I don't have many deep relationships at all in any capacity although I have met my fair share of interesting people.

    The first thing is that as weird as the situation is, you should respect his decisions but this goes both ways: he should respect yours as well.

    I know that most people do not like confrontation and will do whatever they can to avoid it (both men and women not just one sex), but you might have to some kind of confrontation and get stuff out in the open: whatever that may be is up to you.

    The reason I say this is because if this doesn't happen, then it could get worse. It could get to a point where things really get ugly and then all hell breaks loose. The other thing is that if there isn't (or hasn't) been any serious confrontation then both people could have distinctly different ideas about others expectations and again just imagine the situation where one of you (or both at the same time) 'snaps'.

    If you do this and be honest with one another, then things will show themselves in which both of you will have to deal with it. Chances are you will have to do this at some point unless one or both of you end up living some kind of tortured life hiding everything from everybody: definitely not good.

    I'm not a relationship expert by any means, but what I have observed is that when people lay everything out on the table, then things do have the capacity to work out better.

    It's always the situations where things are hidden or omitted (either intentionally or otherwise) that cause all of the 'surprises'.

    It's a good template to use not only in your personal relationships like friends and partners but also for dealing with people. Doesn't matter if its the workplace, or if its something like a business partnership, or anything else: it has the potential to remove a lot of the 'nasty' surprises down the road whether that involves money or a disarray of emotion.

    I know this wasn't a real 'emotional' response, but I say this from experience and at least for me it has helped in many ways.

    I hope you work things out for yourself and your friend.
  4. Feb 23, 2012 #3


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    Re: i am confused i need help!!!!!!!!!!!

    I am sorry for how things turned out for you, but at one point you have to stop and think about how things have changed. I really do not understand why he married someone else if you were his girlfriend, but these things do happen.

    Step 1 for you is to realize that you are not his girlfriend anymore and that this link has been broken between the two of you.
    Step 2 is to comprehend that he is married to someone else, which entails certain responsibilities on his part, over which you have no control.
    Step 3 is to acknowedge that you are not responsible for his happiness or making him happy anymore in any way within his new marriage partner.
    Step 4 is then to realize that he has a new way of life, whether chosen or not, and that you should contemplate also to move on to a new and different path, with him not being such a focal point in your life.

    Three people can sometimes work it out if all three players know what is going on, and have a say on what is acceptable and not acceptable and truth takes precidence. Then again that statement is not an absolute either.

    Have you met his new wife/ex-grlfriend? Do you know if he is being honest enough with her about who you are, and what your relationship with him was before he married her? Do you know how she feels about him talking with you, or seeing you - does it cause her distress or is she OK with him seeing an ex-girlfriend? Just some questions you may want to ponder about.
    Really though, he should not be laying blame on you for how things are going in his life, and that is where he he should man-up, and where you set as a barrier for him to not cross.

    I do hope things work out for you as it seems very emotional and heart wrenching. :)
  5. Feb 23, 2012 #4


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    Re: i am confused i need help!!!!!!!!!!!

    To sum.

    he broke up with you
    he broke up with you to get married to another woman
    he blames you for his life

    And you're wondering if you should be part of his life
    with his new wife

    And you think this might not be unhealthy for him - or for you?
  6. Feb 23, 2012 #5
    Re: i am confused i need help!!!!!!!!!!!

    I think you are taking everything he says at the face value and you shouldn't be. He could be lying. Here is a prime example where he could be lying:

    If he ''hates it'' as you put it, why did he marry her? She can't force him to marry her, so apparently he wants to be with her.

    I can see where you are coming from in terms of wanting to give him benefit of the doubt. But at least you can ask him regarding the details of what his ex did to ''force'' him to marry her, in order to see whether or not it is believable. And when you ask, don't take his answers at a face value either. Here are few examples of possible answers he can give, that would be VERY BAD answers:

    1. Suppose he says that his ex threatened him to stop her friendship unless he marries her. In this case you should realize that no one would agree to marry simply to maintain friendship. What this shows is that he actually is still in love with her. If so, the thing he ''hates'' is that he had to choose between two women instead of maintaining love relationship with both. The latter is called cheating. In other words, he is a cheater and he hates the fact that they are not letting him cheat. Well in this case you don't have to try to make cheater feel better. Cheaters deserve what they get.

    2. Suppose he says that she threatened to ruin his reputation against his friends/coworkers unles he marries her. In this case your next question should be what exactly did she threaten to tell them? At this point you have to remind yourself that marriage is life-long decision. So if the issue was him losing a job -- which he can replace few months later -- that is not a legitimate reason; if he claims that it is, he would probably be lying unless he talks about some high profile job in the government or something. In fact, the only possible way this could be a legitimate reason is if he committed a crime and she threatened to get him to jail for it. If thats indeed the case, then its his fault and you shouldn't be friends with a criminal.

    3. He could tell you that he was forced to be with her because he is poor and she is financially better off than you. Not a good reason either. You can not buy love, so if someone was able to ''buy'' his love it means he never loved you to begin with.

    Now of course there are a lot more examples of the possible reasons he could give. But you got the jist. Basically, try to analyze everything he says and get to the bottom of it, before you ever trust him.

    Yes, I am sure he wants you in his life as a friend -- if he didn't, he wouldn't be trying to persuade you to stay around.

    But you have to realize that just because someone ''wants'' something, it doesn't make you obligated to give it to him. No one ''wants'' to take responsibility for their actions. But that is not a valid excuse to let them get away with everything.

    That is called emotional manipulation. Some people might pretend to be very depressed in order to get other people to do what they want. If you give in, they will see that it works, so they will do it more and more.

    And why weren't you? The typical response to simple cheating is anger and breakup. Now he did something 100 times worse than cheating -- he actually MARRIED someone else and never told you about it until the deed was done. So you have every right to be upset and angry. The fact that you weren't probably shown him that you are naive which is why he decided that he can lie to you and emotionally manipulate you without you ever questoning him; this is what he is probably doing.

    Once again, the fact that he ''wants'' something doesn't mean that you are obligated to give it to him. The fact is that it was his fault that he cheated on you (in fact, far more than cheated) so he should face the consequences of his actions.

    P.S. Have you actually lived with him in the same place? If not, it is quite possible that his ''ex'' has never been an ''ex'' to begin with. He could have been with her all along and he simply lied to you they broke up -- until, of course, the marriage came. You should ask around people other than him to see what was really going on. If what I just said is true, then he doesn't deserve any of your friendship or sympathy.
    Last edited: Feb 23, 2012
  7. Feb 24, 2012 #6
    Re: i am confused i need help!!!!!!!!!!!

    i asked him what made him marry her after reading the replies i got. first thanks for the replies. they are being helpful a lot helpful.coming back he said he married her for the sake of his parents. i even asked him why could he not fight it out he said he tried to but failed. is he manipulating it out??????????
  8. Feb 24, 2012 #7


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    Re: i am confused i need help!!!!!!!!!!!

    To all: please note possible cultural differences. OP is not necessarily from a western country so judging the situation by - say - US standards can be misleading.
  9. Feb 24, 2012 #8
    Re: i am confused i need help!!!!!!!!!!!

    Like Borek said, in this case it would be important to know what country you are from. In some countries like India parents have a lot of say in whom children would marry. So if thats where you are from, his reasons are legitimate and yes you should try to make him feel better because it is not his fault. On the other hand, anywhere in Europe or USA it is up to children to decide whom to marry; so if you are in the West then what he said most likely is just an excuse.

    Still, though, even if he is from the West it is possible what he says is still legitimate. There are some ''exceptional'' cases in the West where children never trully grew up and parents still have the control of their lives. Thats why there are even stories and jokes about in-laws (in-law is a parent of a husband or parent of a wife) centered around how one's parents disagree with what their husband/wife wants, and that person listens to their parents thus hurting their husband/wife; and yes, in some cases it broke up potential marriages.

    But then again, in the West it is considered to be abnormal. From the Western point of view, people SHOULD stand up for their boyfriend/girlfriend, and it is WRONG of them to go with what their parents want -- although obviuosly the parents in these cases would think otherwise. So if you are in the West I won't necesserely say he is lying; but more like he is a coward that he can be so easily manipulated by his parents.

    However, if he is from the west while you yourself are from the east then he could be lying to you. It is possible that his actual behavior has nothing to do with his parents, but he knows that you are from the East, so you would believe him if he lies to you that it does.
    Last edited: Feb 24, 2012
  10. Feb 24, 2012 #9


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    Re: i am confused i need help!!!!!!!!!!!

    While this is true, it does not change much. Regardless of how or why they ended up in the marriage, his apparent behavior toward rvce still smacks of immaturity and manipulation in any culture.

    I see only two courses of action here:
    1] rvce stays intimately involved in his life, confusing him, his new wife and herself
    2] rvce backs away to a healthy distance and lets him figure out his life without her interference. It doesn't meant they can't eventually be friends, but it does mean he must learn to put his new wife first, and all others second.
  11. Feb 24, 2012 #10


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    Re: i am confused i need help!!!!!!!!!!!

    Unless you like the idea of being the mistress (some might not object, so that's your decision), whether he made the decision himself or was "forced" into it by his parents (that's still his decision not to refuse to follow their wishes, whether because he lacked the willpower or wanted something else he would have lost by disobeying them), he's married now. And if it's true he did it because he caved in to his parents' wishes and lacked the "guts" to go against them, he's not going to suddenly change and get the guts to get divorced.

    He didn't give you a choice in the matter, so the only choice left is do you want to be his mistress and always have second place? Or do you want to move on and find someone who will put you first? Of course, whether or not you are actually interested in being married might matter here too. If you like being single, maybe you like the idea of playing the role of mistress with a guarantee of no marriage. If you desire to get married and have kids of your own with someone stable who will be there to help support them, you may be best moving along and finding someone else willing to provide that, because it's not him.
  12. Feb 24, 2012 #11
    Re: i am confused i need help!!!!!!!!!!!

    I smell troll. But whatever. Girl, don't tease people here. It's your choice, everybody knows it, and don't go around trying to find sympathy that the both of you are cheating on somebody else.
  13. Feb 24, 2012 #12


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    Re: i am confused i need help!!!!!!!!!!!

    Maybe, but see Borek's post 7.

    No harm can come from treating a troll post as if it were serious.
    Harm can come from taking a serious post as if it were trolling.
  14. Feb 25, 2012 #13
    Re: i am confused i need help!!!!!!!!!!!

    thanks marcoD if i was trying to find sympathy i would have gone somewhere else maybe i would have started a poll asking how many of u give me sympathy. i was here to find out if it is possible to be a friend or not
  15. Feb 25, 2012 #14
    Re: i am confused i need help!!!!!!!!!!!

    He already decided on someone else and you still insist on calling him your boyfriend; which shows your intentions. You already decided on it. Moreover, given the name calling, the two of you are still romantically involved.

    If the both of you want to cheat on his wife, go and do it, but don't try to bring up some post-hoc rationalization that that's fine and dandy.

    Of course you can be friends, but given your post, I would think you're unable to.

    (Actually, I suspect that you're just enjoying the mess you created.)
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 25, 2012
  16. Feb 28, 2012 #15

    jim hardy

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    Re: i am confused i need help!!!!!!!!!!!

    it is with trepidation i say this:

    Did i hear right - It's your mistake he's unhappy with his behavior ? ?

    Ma'am -- i dont want to sound cold hearted,
    so let me just describe something i noticed in my garden after one of my breakups....

    Have you ever seen a small vine grow around a small tree

    and wrap itself so tight

    that it deforms the tree

    and the two become so entangled and twisted and dependent, each vying for control in a facade of support,

    that neither one of them can grow up into a strong, distinct, free standing plant??

    My advice : dont make it a threesome.

    old jim
    Last edited: Feb 29, 2012
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