I feel like I am running out of momentum life wise. The last year has been so difficult for me that I see everything different. I still enjoy work and learning, but I don't enjoy school anymore. I have no confidence in myself academically despite actually making some good progress in an idea I had to approach turbulence modeling problems. I guess I have no faith; I just don't expect things to work out in my favor no matter how hard I work or how much I care. So with that attitude I find myself walking through the halls or working on homework (even though homework relaxes me quite a bit) asking myself "why?". I guess I want things to stop and be easy for once. I'll be honest I'm really tired of putting up a fight in my life. It's been like that for a very long time and I think I am getting to the point where I just want to move on or stop and take a rest. Older people tell me I'm too young to feel burned out...well then they can take up some of my responsibility and get my life back on track while I go vacation in Hawaii for two weeks and come back refreshed. If someone is going to give me dumb advice like that they better provide me a means to execute it. Don't get me wrong I still love science and math. I have all kinds of crazy new ideas popping in my head all the time! I just feel like my "time" has run out. Whatever potential, opportunities and dreams I had has been whisked away in a brief three months (starting almost a year ago to date) and I am left in a wake of....garbage. I know it's not true logically, but I feel like I wont make out good this time. Almost as if they'll be a significant "scar" on my "lifeline" that will forever mess up whatever path I will take. The only real good thing about having been: diagnosed with BP disorder, withdrawing from school, losing a fellowship opportunity, losing $20000 worth of aid, having to withdraw from a summer class again (costing $2000), losing trust in faculty members, and gaining about 20lbs is that:: I have more "character" ha!! What joke!! What good is character if you live in a cardboard box under a bridge in NC I have learned more about myself. Another joke the ignorant masses in the USA value in a person. What good is knowing yourself if you end up......mopping floors till your 30! I learned what I truly want to pursue for a PhD - random processes in engineering and science. But...I am so scared to get a PhD now having experienced being unemployed for 6+ months and in so much debt. I have no doubts about my talent, passion and work ethic...I have doubts about every other force in the world. The university allowed me to re-enroll in the program provided I take the minimum course load to see how I do.