I guess I'm stuck

  • Thread starter Valayar
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  • #26
Moonbear
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Try reading this thread:
https://www.physicsforums.com/showthread.php?t=179083

I think we've covered all the advice pertaining to this situation there. See if it makes better sense when it's someone else asking the question. What would you tell that person to do? Take a look at how long that thread has gone on, and how little progress he's made out of this paralyzing fear of just talking to the young lady. You'll be in the same boat unless you take action.

Personally, I think it's better to be rejected than to sit around doing nothing and going nowhere. If you get rejected, it's no worse than never asking, but if you don't ask, you'll never know if she might say yes and you're missing out on something wonderful.

Now, get rid of any notions that you're already in love, and realize you're just very attracted, and give it a chance by taking action.
 
  • #27
turbo
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Good advice, but tell the truth, you stole that from a Michael Bolton song, didn't you?
No, that's something I found out in high school and cemented in college.

BTW, I HATE Bolton. What a poseur.
 
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  • #28
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Personally, I think it's better to be rejected than to sit around doing nothing and going nowhere. If you get rejected, it's no worse than never asking, but if you don't ask, you'll never know if she might say yes and you're missing out on something wonderful.

Now, get rid of any notions that you're already in love, and realize you're just very attracted, and give it a chance by taking action.
This case is a little different from the one posted. He already has a friendship with this woman. I agree with you that it is better to do something than nothing, but there is more at stake in this case. There is the possibility that a rejection here could end an existing friendship, in which case it could be worse than never asking. He has something to lose. This is why the manner that he approaches her is so important.

It may also be true that they do love each other. They probably do to some extent. They have been friends for years. But what does that mean? How much of the feelings that they have for each other that are mutual is unknown. I think it would be better advice to be wary of infatuation when making decisions about how to approach this woman with an interest in furthering the relationship. People who are infatuated often make selfish decisions.

I like this little bit of advice from Astronuc
A relationship between two people develops/evolves because they both want it to.
This is what he needs to discover. Does she also want more of a relationship with him? He just needs to find a way to approach her without disrespecting her regards for him.

edit - Maybe he should just ask her how she feels about him?
 
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  • #29
Evo
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I had moved away from the town I grew up in when I was in school and returned a few years later. I ran into the brother of one of my old girlfriends, and he asked me out, so we started dating casually, but he was still rebounding from a recent divorce, so I had no interest in getting involved. His roommate turned out to be another old friend that had also just recently divorced and the two were living together. One day when I called the first friend, the second friend answered the phone and just blurted out "why not me?" I had no idea what he was talking about so he had to explain that he'd also like to date me. I'd just never considered dating him, even though he was intelligent and attractive and we had spent years together in a tight group of friends in our teens.

So, I went out with him a few times, but I realized that he was also still damaged from his divorce. Deciding to stop dating just returned us to being friends again.

Anyway, the point is, although we'd been friends for years, it did not feel awkward for either of them to ask me out on a "date". If they hadn't both been bogged down with emotional baggage, who knows?
 
  • #30
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That happens periodically when I'm out in public. I figure women know I'm safe.
I guess that would be because of your long beard...so even if you get excited by any chance[seems highly improbable :smile:]your beard hides all expressions and prevents from giving unwanted signals...hmmmm..right ? :biggrin:
 
  • #31
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Valayar...i forgot to ask one important question..Whats your nationality ?

I think whatever advices are being given,the culture effect hasnt been taken into account which really adds complications..half of the world doesnt know what happens in other half....

But yeah i would love to take a guess...you sound to me from Asian continent(?) and most probably from India itself(?) and from Kerala( ?) ..(If i am wrong..forgive me..was just testing my instinct )
 
  • #32
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Wow, you guys are prolific.

So.

For now I've managed to install a better contact. I've had a good (or great ?) time with her and some friends yesterday. That was the first time since the beginning of the summer holiday.

Clearly nothing has changed, because I've been partly incapable of being a little bit more reckless in my intentions, and I've partly followed pieces of advice written here...

For now I completely agree that I have to keep a "low profile", as I still have much to do...

I really can meet her at anytime of the week. We don't live very far from each other, maybe 5 minutes walk. We have a lot of friends in common, and go out at the same places.

I really don't know if this is getting somewhere. I went to the cinema alone tonight, and I've been giving some more thoughts on the situation. I'm wondering if I'm not acting as someone immature. My mood keeps wobbling...

I can't help thinking that she really doesn't need me. She doesn't need any declaration. This isn't just an impression, it can't be very far from reality.
Do I have a completely selfish behaviour ? Am I trying to solve questions I can't solve without more personal experience ?

I still have that impression that I'll never be ready for nothing. Am I ready for any relationship if I'm simply unable to relativise more ?

About love itself... I can read that you have some different definitions. I can't define love. I've simply met someone very intelligent and beautiful, always smiling, with a great sense of humor... I don't get the impression to act in a play when I meet her. I have a clear contact with someone purer than anyone else.

We'll probably see each other on thursday, but that's a kind of alcohol-oriented party.

Please don't worry, I'm not going to let this topic grow as large as the other one. ;-)

@heman : wrong guess. ;-) I'm from Europe.

Good night ! (GMT +1)
 
  • #33
turbo
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I guess that would be because of your long beard...so even if you get excited by any chance[seems highly improbable :smile:]your beard hides all expressions and prevents from giving unwanted signals...hmmmm..right ? :biggrin:
When you talk to Astronuc (or to me) physical appearances go out the window. I think I'm an honest person, and he has convinced me that he is at least as honest as I am. We share a lot of past culture and we are pretty straightforward on current concepts and trends.
 
  • #34
Astronuc
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I guess that would be because of your long beard...so even if you get excited by any chance[seems highly improbable :smile:]your beard hides all expressions and prevents from giving unwanted signals...hmmmm..right ? :biggrin:
Well, I'm not sure I understand the question.

I have a beard, but I don't hide behind it. In fact, I recently realized, I've had a beard for the last 30 years, except for about 10 days in June 1981, when I shaved while looking for a job in the offshore oil industry. Basically beards or long hair, which would soak up oil and present a fire hazard, were allowed. I ended up getting a good paying job as an iron worker.

When you talk to Astronuc (or to me) physical appearances go out the window. I think I'm an honest person, and he has convinced me that he is at least as honest as I am. We share a lot of past culture and we are pretty straightforward on current concepts and trends.
Thanks, turbo!

Turbo and I are kindred spirits, and certainly share a lot of past culture.

I'm not too sure about recent (or rather popular) culture. I am something of an anachronism. I don't relate well to modern (popular) culture.
 
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  • #35
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"We'll probably see each other on thursday, but that's a kind of alcohol-oriented party."


That's sounds like an opportunity to 'ask' her to join you to go there---even if you know she is going and she knows you are going. Pick her up (not literally) at her home and make the trip 'to' the party together
 

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