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I think i'm afriad of being a bad person

  1. Jul 23, 2005 #1
    i think i'm afraid of being a bad person

    Has anyone else ever felt that way? like, i think i maybe have a genuine fear that i'm not innately good. i just get really worried about feelings i have, or things i do. i try to be very peaceful and happy. i try really hard to be good to people around me and my environment. i really strive to be the best person i can be, and i think its because i'm afraid i'm not a very good person. i feel like, i'm... Bad... just, evil maybe? like, that real primitive sort of evil. and i feel really guilty about it. i feel guilty ripping paper sometimes, because its destructive. and i feel bad wishing ill-things on people who've hurt me. i feel really bad. i feel disgusted with myself when ever i think negative things.

    its odd really. i grew up being the "bad child" of my family. and i dunno. i try really hard to be a good kid now. and i feel fruitless in my efforts really. like, no matter how kind and generous i am, or no matter how much i help others, i'm just... bad. i'm just trying to hide it or something. i'm afriad that i am just bad. and that there's nothing i can do to change it. i want to be good, and i try to be, so hard i try. but i'm afraid i'm just really not. not at all.
    Last edited: Jul 23, 2005
  2. jcsd
  3. Jul 23, 2005 #2


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    Think of it this way: the very fact you worry about it makes you a good person. :smile:
  4. Jul 23, 2005 #3
    Yeah, I worry about that too. I have a bad streak. I expect I'm older than you (39) and I've taken the approach of trying to recognize it as part of "who I am," and seeing how I can turn it to some other use. I also expect that it's normal, perhaps served some function evolutionarily.

    Here's my best advice: I have found Jungian psychology to be really helpful in understanding how the "darkness" in ourselves is necessary to balance (and provide tension for ) the "lightness" in ourselves. It gives you depth and I believe it really helps you grow. I would not recommend ignoring it, I would instead recommend surfing around for some decent sites on Jung and his idea of "the shadow" and why the shadow is an important part of the human psyche.

  5. Jul 23, 2005 #4


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    What was the last bad thing you did? thinking it dont count.
  6. Jul 23, 2005 #5
    thinking bad things is just as bad as doing them really. er, i think so. having negative thoughts is just as bad as negative things. if you think nasty things about people, that shows what poor character you have. i felt really bad a camp last week. one girl wet the bed. and she smelled horrible. we washed everything we could, but we must've missed something, cause she reaked. but i was her favorite counselor, and she was always hugging me. and all i could ever think about was how horrible she smelled, and how i wished she'd go away. i also sometimes thought how stupid she must be to hug me when she smelled. and i felt terrible thinking that. she couldn't help it really, and yet i still thought bad things about her. i felt really horrible knowing that.
  7. Jul 23, 2005 #6


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    That is just a natural reaction, you were not thinking about the person just
    the smell, it is pure instinct not to want some thing that smells wrong near
  8. Jul 23, 2005 #7
    I understand your point about bad thoughts and I catch myself frequently lecturing myself about my thoughts, but I disagree with thoughts being as bad as actions. Our thoughts are private and that's where we ought to weight the most horrid of outcomes for various actions, laugh to ridiculous small things and be disgusted about another one's smell. In no way does these thoughts make the act of hugging and comforting her less good, on the contrary. They demonstrate your integrity to give her your support despite the worldly inconvinience of her smell, which surely is 'more good' than doing it without the smell, no?
  9. Jul 23, 2005 #8


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    Well gale, i think you already know my position towards your plot to smash the moon into the earth.
  10. Jul 23, 2005 #9

    i think that maybe your just being too harsh on yourself. sometimes you think mean things about others but it doesnt mean your a bad person
  11. Jul 23, 2005 #10
    Speaking for myself, the reason I end up wishing ill on anyone boils down to frustration with not being able to otherwise get around some insensitivity on their part that I percieve to be in the way of communicating. If a little pee-smelling girl doesn't already realize you may not want her to hug you in that condition, it puts you in a remarkably awkward position. You are instantly aware that it will be a shock to her to tell her she is way out of line; you will hurt her feelings. If you let her do it, you will be letting her thoughtlessly do something you find really offensive. In the end, therefore, it looks like she's screwed you twice: with the hugging itself, and holding her feelings hostage to prevent you from trying to get her to stop. It's no wonder you end up having bad thoughts about her.

    Now, the way out of this particular situation (with the little girl) is to remember that you are the adult here, and that you have both the authority and experience to take charge and teach her the proper way to behave. It is also pretty much your job, as councelor. You have to put aside any notion of being her friend or buddy, and put yourself mentally in the position of "parent" or "teacher" to her. Then you have to think of the least "personal" way of explaining to her that it isn't a good idea to hug someone when you've wet yourself. By "least" personal, I mean you have to be able to do this without any feelings of "getting back at her" for what she did. It has to be a teaching thing: you are telling her so she'll get along better in the world.

    How to do this is going to take quite a bit of thought and I would also run it by the other councellors to get ideas from them.
  12. Jul 23, 2005 #11
    well, she's gone now. i felt so horrible. like, everytime she hugged me i wanted to push her away, and all i could think of was how stupid she was for thinking i'd want to hug her. i felt horrible. i wasn't just like "ugh, you smell!" i was like "arg, you're an idiot, don't you realize you smell!" and i felt so bad. we made her shower, and we washed her things, but we must have missed something. and i was so upset that she was so stupid. like, it really bothered me. i really just kept thinking that she was retarded for not realizing i wouldn't appreciate her reaking all over me. like really, my thoughts were so ugly. and after a while, i would watch her walk, and she was nob-kneed, and like, i'd watch her talk and she had a lisp, and i was like arg, why does the retard have to hug me so much.

    i was honestly very mean. my thoughts were horrible. and i felt really bad. especially after i gave the girls an astronomy lesson one night. the next night, i was just jokingly quizzing them, (i didn't really expect them to remember much,) and the girl remembered everything i said. (well, actually, she forgot the two other stars in the northern triangle, but she knew their constellations. and what the constellations were pictures of.) i felt so horrible. i know she mostly paid attention cause i was her favorite counselor, and she wanted to impress me.

    i also talked to my ex-fiance last night. it was pretty awful. i tried to be friendly, i want to forgive him so much. but i can't. like, i sort of do... but i just can't let go of the feeling of wishing i could rip his heart out and stomp on it. i'm glad he's happy and all, and doing well, but i'm so mad that he left me. i hate him maybe. i'm not sure. i feel terrible for wanting him to hurt, but i do. i feel really awful that i once loved him, and would do anything for him, and now, i just want him to suffer. well not just, i want him happy as well. i genuinely do. but, i mean, the tearing out his heart thing is also a very serious desire these days. i've never felt such malice. or maybe i have, but i try really hard not to. i don't want to feel mean. hating him makes me feel like a bad person. calling that girl retarded in my mind makes me feel bad. a good person should rise above. should be understanding. should just appreciate people, without ill-will.
  13. Jul 24, 2005 #12
    I'm sure nothing was intentional. It was an accident, and it is human nature to avoid things that smell a little rank at times. Things like this happen occasionally, and it sounded like you did the polite thing and didn't act on your thoughts. The world judges us on our actions, not necessarily our thoughts, so by the fact that you didn't shove her away shows that you are at the very least, not evil.

    "Good" is very relative, but I think even the most kindhearted people would have been opposed to the smell of urine at times. Anyway, a less patient person would have been insulting, and that certainly wouldn't be appropriate in your situation as a counselor and role model. Try not to worry so much about it. As Hurkyl said, the very fact that you were trying to be considerate shows your nature, not the errant malicious thoughts that occasionally come through the mind.

    Again, natural reaction. If I were engaged to someone and then that person left, a side of me would be pretty pissed off as well. All part of that strange human experience that we all happen to be experiencing.

    And after all, we are only just human. I try to be nice to others, but I find it difficult to be such at all times, perhaps becuase of incidents in the past with that person, or that I'm cranky/tired/irritated, or something along those lines. And if I do, on those rare occasions, hurt someone's feelings, I am hurt in turn. So I try to stay level-headed at all times and not let any negative emotions get the better of me.
  14. Jul 24, 2005 #13

    Look at it like this, at least your might be a good person. There are those of us who know we are bad. I should probably be in jail for the things I have done... There was a time when an idea would pop into my head and without any futher thought I would do it.

    Just don't ask me to incriminate myself by elaborating please. :devil:
  15. Jul 24, 2005 #14


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    I think you were a a bit naughty when you were a child or perhaps you were the oldest child in your family.So others kept saying to you "You're a bad girl..." and then you believed what they said. Your appearance could be important too. some people think a child is naughty because of his/her appearance.I myself wer a bad child most of time but nobody could believe it. First because I looked like a quiet girl. So everyone thought I was as good as gold! Sometimes I persuaded my friends to do bad things(not dangerous of course) and then others punished my friends not me! :devil: Whatever I did was a sign of cleverness and sweetness but for others it was just another reason for proving their stupidity or mischief!

    It proves that you're not a bad person.You know if I was you, I thought "Why am I too nice that even this stupid girl likes me!I really need to be bad because I'm really tired of seeing lots of people around ,expecting me to help them or spend some time with them!" :grumpy: :grumpy:
  16. Jul 24, 2005 #15
    Resort to religion.

  17. Jul 24, 2005 #16
    Gale - I know how you feel. I think the best way to cope with that is to first accept yourself. You should realize that beating yourself up for your thoughts isn't going to do anything except lower your self esteem. Whenever you find yourself scolding yourself, stop and declare it inconsequential. Then, try to change your perspective and think positively (or 'good' thoughts). You shouldn't try to mask all of your bad thoughts, just balance them. In time, 'good' thoughts will become as natural as your 'bad' ones (practice is necessary). Oh, and dispose of this model person that you seem to be comparing yourself to. This is also inconsequential. Good luck.
  18. Jul 24, 2005 #17
    You've been very naughty. You should be spanked. :wink:

    Actually, because you are concerned and feel remorse, you can be pretty certain that you do not fit society's definition of a bad person.
  19. Jul 24, 2005 #18
    What a coincidence. I'm obsessed with being a bad person.

    We should hook up.
  20. Jul 24, 2005 #19
    excellent... i say i'm a bad person and i'm flirted with.. heh. :rolleyes:

    i don't know. i've been gaining quite a bit of self confidence lately... but it seems to come in hand with a more negative attitude as well. when i'm down on myself, i'm much more accepting of others, but when i start to feel worth something, i have more negative thoughts. does that make sense?

    i hate that really. it doesn't seem like a very fair attitude, er mindset er whatever for me to have.

    hmm, though, i was just thinking about what Jelfish said about balancing my thoughts... and i guess thats sort of what i do eh? but, i think i go about it wrong you know? or something. ugh.
  21. Jul 24, 2005 #20
    Perhaps a little moderation. Keep your concern and remorse, but don't be too hard on yourself. We're all human.
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