# I want to give advice! where are all your relationship problems?

nucleargirl

man! people here are all too balanced! there's not been any new relationship problems or questions or requests for advice/opinions in ages! bored!

nucleargirl

I expect some for tomorrow! I'll be away in the morning but will be checking in the evening! don't disappoint me!

dreiter

Not to be rude, but are you an expert in relationship therapy?

As a general rule, getting relationship advice from a random stranger on a forum isn't a great way to go about things. :D

jackmell

She was a little forward about it I give you that. But I see nothing wrong with talking about your problems on a forum. Lots of people do it all the time, especially women. For example the parenting and family forums have much more discussions about relationships than we do. It's therapeutic to just talk to someone sometime and I don't think they have to be an expert for it to be helpful.

Wzet

Maybe you can really give me advice...
Well, there is a girl who I think is really into me. It doesn't occur to me very often so I don't know how to deal with it. She gave all the signs and maybe even more because she goes right to the point. However, it's not the girl I'm looking for. I described here earlier what my fantasy is and I'm trying to find the girl like that. And I can honestly say, that she's not her. But there is a problem. I can not be bad. I'm always trying to make everyone happier, so I just don't know what to do. I don't want to be rude and don't want her to feel weird each time we meet, because we can run into each other almost everyday. What should I say? Sorry, I'm just looking for a girl which likes the things you hate? I don't want it to sound like a cliche that I rejected her because in fact she is a good person, but I really don't know if she will understand...
Any help?

Gold Member

Maybe you can really give me advice...
Well, there is a girl who I think is really into me. It doesn't occur to me very often so I don't know how to deal with it. She gave all the signs and maybe even more because she goes right to the point. However, it's not the girl I'm looking for. I described here earlier what my fantasy is and I'm trying to find the girl like that. And I can honestly say, that she's not her. But there is a problem. I can not be bad. I'm always trying to make everyone happier, so I just don't know what to do. I don't want to be rude and don't want her to feel weird each time we meet, because we can run into each other almost everyday. What should I say? Sorry, I'm just looking for a girl which likes the things you hate? I don't want it to sound like a cliche that I rejected her because in fact she is a good person, but I really don't know if she will understand...
Any help?

Have you, I don't know, tried dating guys?

If you need advise with that, pm Cyrus

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anubis01

Maybe you can really give me advice...
Well, there is a girl who I think is really into me. It doesn't occur to me very often so I don't know how to deal with it. She gave all the signs and maybe even more because she goes right to the point. However, it's not the girl I'm looking for. I described here earlier what my fantasy is and I'm trying to find the girl like that. And I can honestly say, that she's not her. But there is a problem. I can not be bad. I'm always trying to make everyone happier, so I just don't know what to do. I don't want to be rude and don't want her to feel weird each time we meet, because we can run into each other almost everyday. What should I say? Sorry, I'm just looking for a girl which likes the things you hate? I don't want it to sound like a cliche that I rejected her because in fact she is a good person, but I really don't know if she will understand...
Any help?

So you want to make her happy by not dealing with the problem and letting her waste her time on you when she could be trying to find someone else?

If she's your friend, and by that I mean someone that you'd like to keep in your life than I'd suggest the next time she "makes a move" gently tell her that you see her as just a friend and if she is indeed your friend she'll accept that and move on.

Norman.Galois

Have you, I don't know, tried dating guys?

If you need advise with that, pm Cyrus

Cyrus is gay?

Gold Member

Cyrus is gay?

He is a Republican

Norman.Galois

He is a Republican

Hmmm... so he's gay but able to contain his desire. ;)

nucleargirl

Maybe you can really give me advice...
Well, there is a girl who I think is really into me. It doesn't occur to me very often so I don't know how to deal with it. She gave all the signs and maybe even more because she goes right to the point. However, it's not the girl I'm looking for. I described here earlier what my fantasy is and I'm trying to find the girl like that. And I can honestly say, that she's not her. But there is a problem. I can not be bad. I'm always trying to make everyone happier, so I just don't know what to do. I don't want to be rude and don't want her to feel weird each time we meet, because we can run into each other almost everyday. What should I say? Sorry, I'm just looking for a girl which likes the things you hate? I don't want it to sound like a cliche that I rejected her because in fact she is a good person, but I really don't know if she will understand...
Any help?

:) yay! Thanks for posting! makes me very happy haha.
ok, so I'm guessing you know this girl pretty well and so you are SURE she's not what you want? cos if you don't know her well then I would suggest getting to know her as a friend - you never know, she might not be like you think.

So you are sure you don't like her in that way. What to do. So it seems like she's coming on to you? and being pretty blatant about it, and making you feel a bit uncomfortable? ok, I think the best thing is to let her know how you feel: you don't think she's a bad person, but she is not what you are looking for in a girlfriend, and her behaviour is making you uncomfortable, and you would appreciate it if she could understand that a relationship would not be possible between you two. If she's reasonable, then she should back off after hearing this.

So you are afraid this will hurt her? well, yeah with some girls this would be rather hurtful and might emotionally damage them... however, she doesn't sound like that type - if she's making her feelings very obvious to you (like telling you she wants to date you, like touching you maybe, like creating every opportunity to hang out with you) then it could be that she appreciates being spoken to honestly herself - so she would want you to tell her where she stands, how you feel. but of course it is hard to judge this from just what you say - you could have interpreted her signals all wrong etc. so its your call - you judge if it would hurt her.

so if you think it would hurt her? Still let her know how you feel. but let her down easy. hm... this is hard! so I would start by not going out with her just the two of you - cos if its just you two together having lunch or drinks after work, then she might think its a date, and that you like her. so avoid this. and maybe try to hang out with her less: like if you get the same bus, go get a different bus, if you eat together, dont. try to limit your interactions to very casual ones, or totaly work/school related ones - so like don't ask her too much about herself, her personal life... cos when you do that you are sending out 'i'm interested in you' signals which she might interpret as 'i like you'. Hopefully over time she might get the message, or just meet someone else.

yeah long post! Whatever you do, I don't think you should not tell her and string her along - its wasting her time. the sooner she realizes she doesn't have a chance with you, the sooner she can find happiness in someone else. its the least selfish thing to do imo.

hope that helps!

nucleargirl

be honset with her and she will appreciate it. If you don't insult her in anyway, and just tell her that you like her as a person (she's a good person) but you only see her as a friend and nothing more, and that you hope that you telling her all this won't affect you friendship, then hopefully if she's a big enough person, she will accept graciously and it won't be awkward between you two in future. If things do turn awkward, I still think it is the right thing to do on your behalf, and then I guess you just have to deal wiht the awkwardness... that's how she reacts, not your fault.

Gold Member

be honset with her and she will appreciate it. If you don't insult her in anyway, and just tell her that you like her as a person (she's a good person) but you only see her as a friend and nothing more, and that you hope that you telling her all this won't affect you friendship, then hopefully if she's a big enough person, she will accept graciously and it won't be awkward between you two in future. If things do turn awkward, I still think it is the right thing to do on your behalf, and then I guess you just have to deal wiht the awkwardness... that's how she reacts, not your fault.

Oh bollocks. Where do you get this 'big enough person' from? If you are rejected you should go bonkers, no matter what age or social status you belong to. Go thermonuclear! Break down a wall, throw bananas around. Its totally normal. And frankly what kind of a guy turns down a girl? That is just not a guy thing to do.

nucleargirl

:) okay, this is my opinion (as a sane person!)
You should definitely NOT go bonkers if you are rejected, whatever your sex or status - its just shows you to be a selfish and emotionally unbalanced person, and only makes YOU look bad.
What kind of guy says yes to every girl? a desperate one.

Gold Member

:) okay, this is my opinion (as a sane person!)
You should definitely NOT go bonkers if you are rejected, whatever your sex or status - its just shows you to be a selfish and emotionally unbalanced person, and only makes YOU look bad.
What kind of guy says yes to every girl? a desperate one.

Yeah, and the guy that says no is gay

anubis01

Its totally normal. And frankly what kind of a guy turns down a girl? That is just not a guy thing to do.

You know there's such a thing as standards, something tells me the girl doesn't physically do it for whez, but that's just my guess.

so if you think it would hurt her? Still let her know how you feel. but let her down easy. hm... this is hard! so I would start by not going out with her just the two of you - cos if its just you two together having lunch or drinks after work, then she might think its a date, and that you like her. so avoid this. and maybe try to hang out with her less: like if you get the same bus, go get a different bus, if you eat together, dont. try to limit your interactions to very casual ones, or totaly work/school related ones - so like don't ask her too much about herself, her personal life... cos when you do that you are sending out 'i'm interested in you' signals which she might interpret as 'i like you'. Hopefully over time she might get the message, or just meet someone else.

You know, that's a **** move nuclear. I mean honestly there's a difference between politely declining a meeting and just avoiding the person which isn't cool because then you're the one that's making things awkward by essentially ignoring the person, don't be surprised if the person doesn't want to remain friends after that stunt.

If you were really someone's friend, you wouldn't just cut them out of your life without working on the problem.

Gold Member

man! people here are all too balanced! there's not been any new relationship problems or questions or requests for advice/opinions in ages! bored!

... is it just me or is getting advice from someone who wants desperately to give people advice a really awful idea? That's like asking for financial advice from someone who has "the next big thing" that he wants you to buy into.

pongo38

Respect for other people is very hard to show without taking a risk that it might be misunderstood. Social interaction involves taking risks. Maybe that's why people take bigger risks after alcoholic intake, and the sobering process can be so painful. I came across a quote the other day. It said "What other people think about you is none of your business". What do you think about that, Nucleargirl?

nucleargirl

Respect for other people is very hard to show without taking a risk that it might be misunderstood. Social interaction involves taking risks. Maybe that's why people take bigger risks after alcoholic intake, and the sobering process can be so painful. I came across a quote the other day. It said "What other people think about you is none of your business". What do you think about that, Nucleargirl?

?
hm... what other people think about me is none of my business? hm... well, everyone's entitled to their opinions... but it IS my business because it concernes me directly! so if they've got me wrong, then I should tell them what its actually like. no?

your comment was too deep for me man! lol I didnt get what you were trying to say :p

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nucleargirl

You know, that's a **** move nuclear. I mean honestly there's a difference between politely declining a meeting and just avoiding the person which isn't cool because then you're the one that's making things awkward by essentially ignoring the person, don't be surprised if the person doesn't want to remain friends after that stunt.

If you were really someone's friend, you wouldn't just cut them out of your life without working on the problem.

is that really bad? I was kinda assuming they are not close friends - like just ppl who work together and keep bumping into each other. so I was thinking they didnt hang out a lot anyway and wouldn't hurt either party if they weren't friends. I guess if you were close friends, then of course it is better to explain things like my third paragraph, cos you know each other so less likely you will say things inadvertently that will hurt the other person. So how would you do it? what's the best way of letting someone down easy?
you know, sometimes it IS better to avoid alltogether: when the other person is really clingy and just DOESNT get the message, when the other person is on a totally different wavelength (like psycho), when you know they have some nasty ulterior motive behind all the flirting...

Wzet

Thanks for advices, I'll see what I can do and maybe I'll ask for more help later :)

nucleargirl

... is it just me or is getting advice from someone who wants desperately to give people advice a really awful idea? That's like asking for financial advice from someone who has "the next big thing" that he wants you to buy into.

yeah its a bit sad isn't it :p
oh well... desperate times...

pongo38

You are using words like "wrong" and "actually" for situations which are merely points of view. I think the point of the quote was to encourage people to just get on with their lives without regard for how others will see it, because then you can 'be yourself'. However, in your case, it seems that 'being yourself' could include being unduly concerned about the way people see you. If we were to categorise processes as being enabling or disabling, I would say that having undue regard for how others see us is disabling, but ignoring how others see us is actually enabling.

nucleargirl

Thanks for advices, I'll see what I can do and maybe I'll ask for more help later :)

win-win! if only all things were like this.

nucleargirl

You are using words like "wrong" and "actually" for situations which are merely points of view. I think the point of the quote was to encourage people to just get on with their lives without regard for how others will see it, because then you can 'be yourself'. However, in your case, it seems that 'being yourself' could include being unduly concerned about the way people see you. If we were to categorise processes as being enabling or disabling, I would say that having undue regard for how others see us is disabling, but ignoring how others see us is actually enabling.

yeah you are right, it IS so disabling! seriously!
and it is just opinions, like even your own opinion of yourself might be not what it actually is... but there isn't an 'actually is' is there? but... can you just stand there while others say you are something you are not? that's hard to do. and how many can actually do it?

I mean its difficult, cos we live in a social society and people's opinions matter. reputation matters more or less. or does it?
maybe it doesnt. perhaps it only matters that you surround yourself with people who like you, and other than that it doesn't matter? but then... don't you want to convince more people to like you so you have more to rely on? or are you strong eough to not rely on anyone, I think few people can say they are.

anubis01

is that really bad? I was kinda assuming they are not close friends - like just ppl who work together and keep bumping into each other. so I was thinking they didnt hang out a lot anyway and wouldn't hurt either party if they weren't friends.

Just think about that for a second, how would you feel if you finally got the courage to make a move on someone and they completely ignore you afterward. Its humiliating, and you'd feel really awkward every time you walked by that person, its not a nice thing to do at all.

I guess if you were close friends, then of course it is better to explain things like my third paragraph, cos you know each other so less likely you will say things inadvertently that will hurt the other person. So how would you do it? what's the best way of letting someone down easy?
you know, sometimes it IS better to avoid alltogether: when the other person is really clingy and just DOESNT get the message, when the other person is on a totally different wavelength (like psycho), when you know they have some nasty ulterior motive behind all the flirting...

There isn't a easy way of doing it, otherwise it wouldn't be an issue. For me though, I would sit down with the person and sincerely explain that I do value there friendship, but that I just don't have the same feelings they do. I wouldn't start ignoring them, or treating them differently, and if they were really my friend they would accept what I said and remain friends.

The only time I ever ignored someone was when they choose to disregard what I said, that and they were kinda a lousy person to begin with anyway.

Staff Emeritus

... is it just me or is getting advice from someone who wants desperately to give people advice a really awful idea?

:rofl: that's very true.

In other news, I do have the next big thing: it only needs an investment of $5000 and you'll make ten times that back in 7 months! proof there is a girl in my class and i am going to talk to her tomorrow and i need help with what to say to her. i want her to be my girlfriend. i am nervous already! my heart is beating fast again and I'm shaking! Mentor there is a girl in my class and i am going to talk to her tomorrow and i need help with what to say to her. i want her to be my girlfriend. i am nervous already! my heart is beating fast again and I'm shaking! You've never spoken to this girl and you want her to be your girlfriend? Staff Emeritus Science Advisor Gold Member there is a girl in my class and i am going to talk to her tomorrow and i need help with what to say to her. i want her to be my girlfriend. i am nervous already! my heart is beating fast again and I'm shaking! Maybe before class, you could go for a run or exercise somehow, to calm down. If you're already nervous just thinking about it, it may be hard to think when you actually see her. Have you talked to this girl before? Oh and if you do go for a run, shower before class . Cyrus He is a Republican I must... resist ...the ...urge... to ...say: I was very liberal with your mother last night. Hiyooo. Last edited: Gold Member :rofl: that's very true. In other news, I do have the next big thing: it only needs an investment of$5000 and you'll make ten times that back in 7 months!

Who do I make it out to?

Cyrus said:
I must... resist ...the ...urge... to ...say: I was very liberal with your mother last night. Hiyooo.

+1.

jackmell

there is a girl in my class and i am going to talk to her tomorrow and i need help with what to say to her. i want her to be my girlfriend. i am nervous already! my heart is beating fast again and I'm shaking!

That's a big deal for you isn't it, even though it's just a few words placed obscurely among all the comments, criticisms, and advice in this thread. You mean you are attracted to her and would like to be with her right? Gotta' get that "girlfriend" thing outta' your mind for now though. Crawl before you can walk, and just talk, don't show your intentions, rather just talk to her about something, class, weather, sports, her hair, jewelry she's wearing, the tough problem you couldn't do but maybe she could help you with, whatever but nothing girlfriend or boyfriend, then just leave it there, days go by, may say a thing or two more, smile, engage, also try to dress well and sharp as a tack, smell nice, and then, depending how she responds to you, ask her out for a hamburger or something. She may drag one or two of her friends with her. That's ok.

Oh yeah, I should mention if she's not interested then that's it ok. Still be nice and friendly to her but make no more moves on her. Guys get rejected all the time, even a good-looking guy like me. I mean not often, but it happens.

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nucleargirl

there is a girl in my class and i am going to talk to her tomorrow and i need help with what to say to her. i want her to be my girlfriend. i am nervous already! my heart is beating fast again and I'm shaking!

yeah def talk to her first before asking her to be gf - you don't know the girl! she might not be who you think she is.
Be friends first so you know she's nice, then see how things go from there.
and its less pressure on you, one step at a time.

jackmell

Also I should mention, and this is for guys only cus' it's sorta' secrete guy stuff, if she can't look at you without smiling then I think it's a pretty good indication she finds you attractive, at least your looks for now. But if she looks at you like she's suffering from a thorn in her side, then she's probably just not into you. However, if she's shy or strong-willed, she may try and hide her feelings and try not to smile.

So go back and engage her and tell us if she was smiling or not. But that's a tough thing to do isn't it, especially if you're shy. Look, just ask her about some class homework or whatever just to make a small mark. Not trying to score big here at this stage of the game alright? Just want to get your foot in the door and show her you acknowledge her existence. Good I think to let things like this "simmer" over multiple engagements over some time and always, always, be careful to back off if she gives you any hint you're bothering her.

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