- #1
TubbaBlubba
I noticed this forum seems to have a lot of good users, so I thought I might see what people have to say...
Before we start... I'm 17 (18 in august), and male. I have (most likely) bipolar disorder, and when this whole ordeal started, somewhere early march, I was just on antidepressants as my idiot doctor had forgotten to write to a psychiatrist regarding my problems. I have very characteristic mood swings which go from a state of near-morbid depression to a state of excessive happiness. I've just started a lithium treatment which will hopefully help. Regardless, as this ordeal started, I was also starting to spiral down in more extreme expressions of depression and, let's call it mania.
I've never had a relationship with anyone, but I've never made a serious attempt before this, and it doesn't bother me that much. I am a very different person in more ways than one, and not really particularily attractive, and of course I also always had rather geeky interests. But as I said, it doesn't bother me, as I have seldomly met anyone worthwile.
I go to a rather small section of my school, with maybe fifty student, where we all have individual study plans. There was a girl around there I'd seen around but never really talked to, she was mostly by herself, though apparently social. There's a regular "group" of maybe ten people which I'm part of which usually talk, eat, etc. Somehow, she ends up being drawn into this group, and she catches my interest. She appears very intelligent, honest and is stunningly beautiful. I talk a bit to her, and she seems to appreciate my presence.
So after a few days of interacting with her, I can't really stop thinking of her. I realize that I've been smitten with love. Well, nothing to do about it. So after realizing it, first thing I meet her I simply tell her I want to talk to her, and we sit down in a room and I explain the situation. She's flattered and doesn't really know what to say (the best thing she can think of about me is that I'm "like a dictionar". 'Thanks, that's exactly the kind of thing I want to hear.'). Joking aside, I told her to give it some time and she doesn't seem entirely uninterested. We go out about a week later, and discuss various things. She knows I have some mental issues, and she apparently has had some similar concerns, so we're pretty open about that.
Proceeding, nothing in particular happens... I suggest we go to a very large rennaisance expo that was being held, and she agrees. I text her a few days later, asking what she thinks of me, and well, I get the wonderful "I don't really know, I think of you as a friend" reply. Sadly, I was kind of at a low at that time, so I kind of got a bit whiny at that point, she accuses me of "taking more energy than one gives" or whatnot, but eh. I call her a few days later; (this was a weekend and there was a break after) and asks her if she still wants to go to the expo, and she's glad to. A few days later we end up going there and have a pretty good time. We don't really touch the sensitive subjects.
Time passes by, nothing in particular happens, except that I get worse in my depression and such, which is really really obvious to everyone around me. She is quite concerned with me, which makes me feel a bit awkward since it's almost as if she just went out with me out of pity... Regardless, I'm still quite, quite attached to her, in particular when I'm in my anxious states. She very frequently texts me at this time asking how I am, etc, so she's obviously concerned with my well-being. I suppose she might have identified with it.
Some stuff happens, among other things I get a fun retinal detachment and have a surgery for that. A few weeks later there's a small party of maybe ten people where we both happen to be. Slightly less wise from a beer or two I end up asking her why she just sees me as a friend, and I get some horribly vague answer about how she wants a boyfriend who's "intelligent, engaged in matters and extroverted". But she also says that she feels that she really doesn't know me at all. And I discuss that I've been somewhat... Blunted by my mental state, etc.
Well, this is where things get odd. The day after or so I start going into a lasting mania, where I suddenly get the idea that if I just do enough of a mental effort to seem normal, she might understand. Even worse, I inform her of my glorious idea. At first she's just positive that I seem better, but she kind of starts noting that I act rather strange (as do other people). Three-four days after it starts it kind of hits a peak while in school and I start runing up and down stairs, completely lacking in focus, and just feel completely disorinted. I realize that it's time to go on sick leave.
Well, after this we have a text exchange where she for once is at least honest; She says that my mood swings are so annoying she just ends up ignoring me after a while, I say that "Yeah, I know, it's a problem of mine", etc, she goes into carefully explaining how she will absolutely never have any feelings of love for me, how I take energy and whatnot. I end up typing a very long message where I thouroughly apologize for being a burden, acting crazy, and you know what. I say that I'm going on sick leave and sort of "farewell" since she's going to a different school, etc. I don't get a reply, though a few days after she texts me and asks if I'm still OK, and I tell her that I'll survive. After this I haven't heard from her, but that doesn't really matter at this point.
Now... After this I really just got worse and worse in my anxiety and all and at times I could think of nothing but her. I felt as if nothing would ever be better despite better knowledge. I felt destroyed.
Luckily, it gets a bit better when my psychiatrist prescribes some sleeping pills for me, and I've also started my lithium treatment last week.
So... I suddenly feel a lot clearer in my head. I realize that part of my, shall we call it, obsession with her was probably manic, in particular how I felt the first few weeks and last few days. Of course this makes me feel a bit uncomfortable. But just now recently, when looking in retrospect... I've also realized that I don't think that I would have gotten anything "mentally" out of a long-term relationship with her, but rather... This was all about how I could... Well, this will sound odd, but "help" her to think in a more free way. I've always been concerned with how very myopic and "simple" most teens are in their thoughts. She struck me as someone who could perhaps become a more free-thinking person and actually accomplish something, and I felt that I wanted to help her with that, with no real long-term gain for myself. And in realizing this, I also feel that I may be... arrogant and ironically bigoted in my own thinking. And I don't really know what to make of it all. As for the whole thing not working, I don't mind it anymore since it was all for her benefit, and if she doesn't want that it doesn't really bother me.
Also, perhaps putting a bit more context in it, I'm also a bit socially isolated except for school; I live on a rather boring island with no real friends here, I get a special communal ride to school due to medical issues (Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome, a tissue disease which prevents me from walkign far) so I'm rather socially restricted with school being my only real way out. Plus, I'm also generally not very well liked by most people my age despite being rather social; My mood swings don't exactly make it better, and I'm not your typical high school kid either; I don't really try to "fit in", I'm very honest, and I tend to try and provoke thought and discussion rather than going around with the flow. In a way, I honestly feel that I'm a bit socially "above" many people my age, at least in groups. I always get much, without trying to be pretentious, better along with adult, older people. It's always been like that.
She on the other hand, while perhaps a bit different, is the kind of person everyone likes, has a large circle of acquaintances, etc. Of course I would have to have been rather extraordinary in some way to have a chance. And I am, but perhaps not in a way that she appreciates; and that in itself is cause enough to disrupt things, I would not want to be in a relationship with someone who would rather see me "fit in" than appreciate my differences.
Wow, this has been a very long post. I don't know if anyone has the energy to read it. But can anyone identify with my thoughts on this whole thing, or perhaps someone has some other comment?
I appreciate it.
Before we start... I'm 17 (18 in august), and male. I have (most likely) bipolar disorder, and when this whole ordeal started, somewhere early march, I was just on antidepressants as my idiot doctor had forgotten to write to a psychiatrist regarding my problems. I have very characteristic mood swings which go from a state of near-morbid depression to a state of excessive happiness. I've just started a lithium treatment which will hopefully help. Regardless, as this ordeal started, I was also starting to spiral down in more extreme expressions of depression and, let's call it mania.
I've never had a relationship with anyone, but I've never made a serious attempt before this, and it doesn't bother me that much. I am a very different person in more ways than one, and not really particularily attractive, and of course I also always had rather geeky interests. But as I said, it doesn't bother me, as I have seldomly met anyone worthwile.
I go to a rather small section of my school, with maybe fifty student, where we all have individual study plans. There was a girl around there I'd seen around but never really talked to, she was mostly by herself, though apparently social. There's a regular "group" of maybe ten people which I'm part of which usually talk, eat, etc. Somehow, she ends up being drawn into this group, and she catches my interest. She appears very intelligent, honest and is stunningly beautiful. I talk a bit to her, and she seems to appreciate my presence.
So after a few days of interacting with her, I can't really stop thinking of her. I realize that I've been smitten with love. Well, nothing to do about it. So after realizing it, first thing I meet her I simply tell her I want to talk to her, and we sit down in a room and I explain the situation. She's flattered and doesn't really know what to say (the best thing she can think of about me is that I'm "like a dictionar". 'Thanks, that's exactly the kind of thing I want to hear.'). Joking aside, I told her to give it some time and she doesn't seem entirely uninterested. We go out about a week later, and discuss various things. She knows I have some mental issues, and she apparently has had some similar concerns, so we're pretty open about that.
Proceeding, nothing in particular happens... I suggest we go to a very large rennaisance expo that was being held, and she agrees. I text her a few days later, asking what she thinks of me, and well, I get the wonderful "I don't really know, I think of you as a friend" reply. Sadly, I was kind of at a low at that time, so I kind of got a bit whiny at that point, she accuses me of "taking more energy than one gives" or whatnot, but eh. I call her a few days later; (this was a weekend and there was a break after) and asks her if she still wants to go to the expo, and she's glad to. A few days later we end up going there and have a pretty good time. We don't really touch the sensitive subjects.
Time passes by, nothing in particular happens, except that I get worse in my depression and such, which is really really obvious to everyone around me. She is quite concerned with me, which makes me feel a bit awkward since it's almost as if she just went out with me out of pity... Regardless, I'm still quite, quite attached to her, in particular when I'm in my anxious states. She very frequently texts me at this time asking how I am, etc, so she's obviously concerned with my well-being. I suppose she might have identified with it.
Some stuff happens, among other things I get a fun retinal detachment and have a surgery for that. A few weeks later there's a small party of maybe ten people where we both happen to be. Slightly less wise from a beer or two I end up asking her why she just sees me as a friend, and I get some horribly vague answer about how she wants a boyfriend who's "intelligent, engaged in matters and extroverted". But she also says that she feels that she really doesn't know me at all. And I discuss that I've been somewhat... Blunted by my mental state, etc.
Well, this is where things get odd. The day after or so I start going into a lasting mania, where I suddenly get the idea that if I just do enough of a mental effort to seem normal, she might understand. Even worse, I inform her of my glorious idea. At first she's just positive that I seem better, but she kind of starts noting that I act rather strange (as do other people). Three-four days after it starts it kind of hits a peak while in school and I start runing up and down stairs, completely lacking in focus, and just feel completely disorinted. I realize that it's time to go on sick leave.
Well, after this we have a text exchange where she for once is at least honest; She says that my mood swings are so annoying she just ends up ignoring me after a while, I say that "Yeah, I know, it's a problem of mine", etc, she goes into carefully explaining how she will absolutely never have any feelings of love for me, how I take energy and whatnot. I end up typing a very long message where I thouroughly apologize for being a burden, acting crazy, and you know what. I say that I'm going on sick leave and sort of "farewell" since she's going to a different school, etc. I don't get a reply, though a few days after she texts me and asks if I'm still OK, and I tell her that I'll survive. After this I haven't heard from her, but that doesn't really matter at this point.
Now... After this I really just got worse and worse in my anxiety and all and at times I could think of nothing but her. I felt as if nothing would ever be better despite better knowledge. I felt destroyed.
Luckily, it gets a bit better when my psychiatrist prescribes some sleeping pills for me, and I've also started my lithium treatment last week.
So... I suddenly feel a lot clearer in my head. I realize that part of my, shall we call it, obsession with her was probably manic, in particular how I felt the first few weeks and last few days. Of course this makes me feel a bit uncomfortable. But just now recently, when looking in retrospect... I've also realized that I don't think that I would have gotten anything "mentally" out of a long-term relationship with her, but rather... This was all about how I could... Well, this will sound odd, but "help" her to think in a more free way. I've always been concerned with how very myopic and "simple" most teens are in their thoughts. She struck me as someone who could perhaps become a more free-thinking person and actually accomplish something, and I felt that I wanted to help her with that, with no real long-term gain for myself. And in realizing this, I also feel that I may be... arrogant and ironically bigoted in my own thinking. And I don't really know what to make of it all. As for the whole thing not working, I don't mind it anymore since it was all for her benefit, and if she doesn't want that it doesn't really bother me.
Also, perhaps putting a bit more context in it, I'm also a bit socially isolated except for school; I live on a rather boring island with no real friends here, I get a special communal ride to school due to medical issues (Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome, a tissue disease which prevents me from walkign far) so I'm rather socially restricted with school being my only real way out. Plus, I'm also generally not very well liked by most people my age despite being rather social; My mood swings don't exactly make it better, and I'm not your typical high school kid either; I don't really try to "fit in", I'm very honest, and I tend to try and provoke thought and discussion rather than going around with the flow. In a way, I honestly feel that I'm a bit socially "above" many people my age, at least in groups. I always get much, without trying to be pretentious, better along with adult, older people. It's always been like that.
She on the other hand, while perhaps a bit different, is the kind of person everyone likes, has a large circle of acquaintances, etc. Of course I would have to have been rather extraordinary in some way to have a chance. And I am, but perhaps not in a way that she appreciates; and that in itself is cause enough to disrupt things, I would not want to be in a relationship with someone who would rather see me "fit in" than appreciate my differences.
Wow, this has been a very long post. I don't know if anyone has the energy to read it. But can anyone identify with my thoughts on this whole thing, or perhaps someone has some other comment?
I appreciate it.
. That first one, the first big love interest, it's a doozy. And it rarely ends well.