Is it healthy for someone to count the days since his graduation?

[Eclair_de_XII]

Is it healthy for said individual to ruminate about how nothing of great significance has transpired ever since leaving college? Is it healthy for said individual to mentally place his college days on a metaphorical pedestal, and claiming that that period of his life was the one during which he was happiest?

Is it healthy for the individual in question to think now, about how his former schoolmates are faring in their post-graduation lives, and to boldly assume that they are faring far better than he is? Is it healthy for the individual to be bitter and envious of those lot even though he hasn't the faintest clue of their post-graduation activities? Is it healthy, in spite of all this, to still miss those lot because of the terrible loneliness that has sapped the individual of his strength and loneliness ever since he has left college?

Is it healthy for the individual to feel that his current efforts to try and be successful in his life are futile, because he knows that there exists far younger, and far more competent individuals in the job market, and that he would essentially be playing catch-up in order to compensate for his lack of productivity in his life, caused in part by his lack of motivation, his deteriorating psychological condition, and his belief that nothing he does truly ever matters?

Is it healthy for this individual to ruminate about his actions up until this point, and how these actions have encumbered others, even though he did not care about them at the time?

 

[mcastillo356]

Hi, @Eclair_de_XII , don't know if it is healthy, but it is human.
Love

 

[jedishrfu]

Your rhetorical questions are spot on! Many of us feel the same way at some point in our lives and then we get over it as we begin to realize that what we see around us has been curated by our friends and associates to appear as positive as possible.

A good example of this is how people portray themselves on Facebook, curating their life to show only the positive things and seldom the negative things. Negativity drives people away because they have their own problems to deal with and avoid taking on negative people's problems unless they commiserate with them.

How can you overcome these feelings of despair is not something that PF can provide and is better left to a professional. However, realizing that the people around you may be giving you a rosy picture of their lives can help you see that you are doing just as well as they are.

I have a young friend who had misgivings about studying Computer Science because all the boys seemed to know everything and that she'd have to play catch up. I explained to her that this is how boys compete through bragging and showing off and they may not really know as much as they say they know. She took it to heart and continued her studies and got over the feelings of being inferior to the other students in her class.

What is your passion and what are you doing to make it happen? That's what you should focus on.

Run your own race at your own pace, and that will make all the difference.

Perhaps reading Robert Frost's poem "The Road Not Taken" will give you some insight into your worries.

You should also seriously consider getting a professional counselor to talk things out on life and career. Many people in similar situations do the same. Those that don't may feel embarrassed to do it but once they do realize the benefit of professional counseling.

And now Robert Frost:

The Road Not Taken

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

Analysis of “The Road Not Taken” can be found here.

 

[Jarvis323]

Is it healthy for said individual to ruminate about how nothing of great significance has transpired ever since leaving college? Is it healthy for said individual to mentally place his college days on a metaphorical pedestal, and claiming that that period of his life was the one during which he was happiest? Is it healthy for the individual in question to think now, about how his former schoolmates are faring in their post-graduation lives, and to boldly assume that they are faring far better than he is? Is it healthy for the individual to be bitter and envious of those lot even though he hasn't the faintest clue of their post-graduation activities? Is it healthy, in spite of all this, to still miss those lot because of the terrible loneliness that has sapped the individual of his strength and loneliness ever since he has left college? Is it healthy for the individual to feel that his current efforts to try and be successful in his life are futile, because he knows that there exists far younger, and far more competent individuals in the job market, and that he would essentially be playing catch-up in order to compensate for his lack of productivity in his life, caused in part by his lack of motivation, his deteriorating psychological condition, and his belief that nothing he does truly ever matters? Is it healthy for this individual to ruminate about his actions up until this point, and how these actions have encumbered others, even though he did not care about them at the time?

Of course not. But it isn't abnormal to have most of these feelings sometimes. It is healthy to try and recognize them, understand where they are coming from, and try to heal. Life is filled with hard times and psychologically difficult situations. The best we can do is try to overcome them.

When it comes to a person being hard on themselves, and I can understand this, I think you have to just forgive yourself, and learn to care about yourself and take care of yourself. Don't bother worrying about the material success of others in comparison. There will always be others ahead of you, and behind you. You could just as well look at the far more terrible situations that some others are in compared to you and feel superior. But that's just as misguided as feeling less superior than the others more successful or fortunate than you are. And even when you look at those people less fortunate than you, I think you will find many of them find happiness is different ways and cope in various ways. And I think if you could really look at the lives of many who are more fortunate than you, you might find many of them are unhappy, or suffering from some other psychological issues.

People have the ability to adapt. So try to use that to your advantage the best you can and adapt to your life situation in a healthy way.

 

[Isopod]

Is it healthy for said individual to ruminate about how nothing of great significance has transpired ever since leaving college? Is it healthy for said individual to mentally place his college days on a metaphorical pedestal, and claiming that that period of his life was the one during which he was happiest? Is it healthy for the individual in question to think now, about how his former schoolmates are faring in their post-graduation lives, and to boldly assume that they are faring far better than he is? Is it healthy for the individual to be bitter and envious of those lot even though he hasn't the faintest clue of their post-graduation activities? Is it healthy, in spite of all this, to still miss those lot because of the terrible loneliness that has sapped the individual of his strength and loneliness ever since he has left college? Is it healthy for the individual to feel that his current efforts to try and be successful in his life are futile, because he knows that there exists far younger, and far more competent individuals in the job market, and that he would essentially be playing catch-up in order to compensate for his lack of productivity in his life, caused in part by his lack of motivation, his deteriorating psychological condition, and his belief that nothing he does truly ever matters? Is it healthy for this individual to ruminate about his actions up until this point, and how these actions have encumbered others, even though he did not care about them at the time?

1. Is it healthy for said individual to ruminate about how nothing of great significance has transpired ever since leaving college?

No.

What I have been increasingly figuring out in life lately, is how for many of the most successful people ("success" being measured in many different ways of course), their lives don't follow a straightforward course. For example, I am attending one of the best universities in the world for my subject area (ranks no.2) and quite a few of my tutors etc here are semi-famous and are extremely successful, talented, skilled and intelligent people. But asking my tutors about their life stories, many suffered all kinds of hardships, setbacks and journeys (some lasting 12 years!) before they finally got to where they are now.

So I really wouldn't worry about your life not going from a straightforward uni > chosen job > success type journey. Don't sweat the small stuff- you need to do you in life.

2. Is it healthy for said individual to mentally place his college days on a metaphorical pedestal, and claiming that that period of his life was the one during which he was happiest?

No.

Its not a bad thing that your college days were so great, but if you constantly look back towards the past, you will fail to successfully seize joys and opportunities that exist in the present day.

Sometimes you got to make your own luck/opportunities in life, but that's never going to happen if you avoid facing your present-day situation by trying to immerse your attention in your past instead.

3. Is it healthy for the individual to be bitter and envious of those lot even though he hasn't the faintest clue of their post-graduation activities?

No. Have you ever heard the saying "Comparison is the thief of joy"? You need to stop doing that.

4. Is it healthy, in spite of all this, to still miss those lot because of the terrible loneliness that has sapped the individual of his strength and loneliness ever since he has left college?

No. Making friends as an adult is never that easy but if you are isolated due to depression or how you're currently living life (for example staying indoors all the time), then that will make things even harder for yourself. If you are to break the current cycle, then you need to analyse all the elements going on in your current life, be honest about your life situation and start breaking down things you can or can't do about it all.

5. Is it healthy for the individual to feel that his current efforts to try and be successful in his life are futile, because he knows that there exists far younger, and far more competent individuals in the job market, and that he would essentially be playing catch-up in order to compensate for his lack of productivity in his life, caused in part by his lack of motivation, his deteriorating psychological condition, and his belief that nothing he does truly ever matters?

No. For starters, its against the rules for employers to ask about your age (and so unless your diet & lifestyle is appalling, most people are going to assume that you're pretty young) and furthermore, what most employers are looking for are things like your attitude/outlooks and skills. You can't do much about your biological age but you can do stuff about literally everything else (including making your biological age less relevant by looking after yourself better).

For real, it does sound like you are suffering from some serious depression here. I would recommend telling your doctor about it. I too myself are quite prone to bouts of serious depression, but my life has seriously improved since I began therapy. Therapy hasn't made what I have completely go away, but it does make it significantly more manageable and less hard-hitting in its episodes (and this in turn has allowed me to develop better relationships with people, live as a more functional individual and focus on & manage my developing career much more easily).

Don't make your life more difficult than it needs to be by trying to manage everything by yourself all the time, people like therapists and doctors are there for a reason. Life is hard, but you will struggle to get anywhere in life if you're always putting yourself down. You need to learn to love yourself (and be your own no.1 cheerleader in life) rather than worst mortal enemy (if you're always attacking yourself, you won't get anywhere even if you had everything you needed to succeed).

6. Is it healthy for this individual to ruminate about his actions up until this point, and how these actions have encumbered others, even though he did not care about them at the time?

No.
Self-reflection is good until a point, but if you combine it with very poor self-esteem then instead of offering great insights into yourself, your perspectives will become totally warped and you will end up looking at everything you do in a negative light (for example, always seeing yourself as the one who gets in others way rather than is helpful). You need to stop dwelling on yourself so much while in this state because it will only lead to more warped thinking (which will feed into your vicious cycle).

I'm going to ask you:

1. Name five good things about yourself.
2. What did you study, what are you doing and where would you like your career to go?
3. Whats a fun memory you have as a child during the Summertime?
4. Have you eaten anything healthy today?
5. Who are you closest to in your family and are you in touch with any friend/s or relatives?
6. What is your living environment like?
7. Whats something interesting you discovered lately?
8. What are your hobbies?

 

[Eclair_de_XII]

What is your passion and what are you doing to make it happen? That's what you should focus on.

I quite disagree. What I should be focussing on is moving out and finding stable work. I can enjoy nothing in my current living environment. Any attempts to find any passion in my life, as it is, would be futile. The only times when I can truly feel at peace is when my house-mates are all asleep and no one will have the mind to disturb me, or intrude upon my want for privacy and quietude. Why should I try to find any semblance of happiness in my life, if I have no private space in which to enjoy it, very few occasions during which I can enjoy it properly, and if I'll eventually have to withdraw from my escapist activities to return to the dysfunctional life I am forced to lead?

that's never going to happen if you avoid facing your present-day situation by trying to immerse your attention in your past instead.

I cannot face my present-day situation. It is simply beyond fixing unless I can move out. And even then, I'm just too unskilled, and too tired to build up any worthwhile skill-sets or credentials, anyway. It's just terrible. I'm not able to find work outside my state because I'm too unskilled and have no professional connections, and I'm not able to move out because I'm not able to secure work. I just hate my situation. I hate it even more, since my sleep deprivation is partially because of my lack of private space and lack of quietude, caused by an inconsiderate house-mate. I hate that my house-mates are never quiet. I hate that they never listen to a thing I say, and that they seem to constantly enjoy disrupting my concentration by being obnoxiously loud or by pestering me with nonsense I hardly enjoy listening to. They just enjoy narcissistically listening to themselves babble about nothing and pretend they're doing me a favor by imposing their unwanted company upon me.

Therapy

I'm pretty sure my therapist has given up on me after I'd sent her all these horror stories of my household life. She hasn't responded to any of my texts in two weeks.

I'm going to ask you:

All this self-inventory work has done is make me feel bad because I'm not able to answer these types of questions satisfactorily.

 

[jedishrfu]

I feel sad that you disagree with what I've said but there is no other way out until you change how you view the world. The longing for solitude is more of a symptom of trying to put off this decision.

If your environment is so bad then just move on even if you don't know what's next.

All of our suggestions are worthless if you discount each one and then want us to suggest more.

My final suggestion still stands:

Find a counselor who can help you, who will respond to your texts and get you back on track but you must be openly honest with them and try to do what they suggest.

We have exhausted our suggestions and so its a good time to close this thread.