Is there a general trait among women to keep no secrets?

In summary, Jorge's girlfriend shares intimate information with her best friend without any exclusivity agreement. This upsets Jorge, who is wondering if he is being unreasonable in his reaction.
  • #1
theJorge551
68
0
Is there a general trait among women...to keep no secrets?

I've been in a relationship with a wonderful girl for several long months now, and have known her for quite a bit longer...she is wonderful, and I love her to pieces, but we recently began to have "intimate" encounters, and lately I'm finding that she has a hard time keeping it to herself.

For instance, last night...she had sent me some suggestive text messages, while she was at a friend's house (normal for teenagers, as far as I can tell). I wasn't alarmed, so I replied accordingly...within 10 minutes, her best friend was sending me text messages from my girlfriend's phone. Commenting on our intimate conversation. I was under the impression that our conversation was exclusive, and was a bit upset by this interruption. The next day, I was talking to her friend and apparently, my girlfriend had given this friend complete access to our intimate messages, and the freedom to comment. At first, I was furious and didn't believe a word of it. Come to find out, that indeed she was given full liberty to invade our privacy and do as she pleased.

I spoke to my girlfriend about this earlier today, only to find out that it was true and her only response to my question, "Why did you let her invade our private conversation??" was: "Because she's my best friend."

Don't get me wrong, it's completely fine with me that my girlfriend confides secrets with others, but what upsets me is that she allowed her friend to let me know what secrets she had been told. I was utterly embarrassed, and am still a bit upset.

My question to the forum: Is my reaction to this unreasonable? Is it at all not right for me to be upset at my girlfriend's disregard for exclusivity?

And, this is but one example..I've had many, many more experiences like this with other women, and it's only showing me that women have to confide their secrets with someone in order for them to have any meaning. I would greatly appreciate it if someone, anyone would enlighten me on this... Thanks for reading this lengthy post.

-Jorge

Edit: Perhaps I should mention, for the sake of covering as much of the scenario as possible, that we had never mentioned any boundaries for our privacy (I had always considered these types of conversations private by implication, but I suppose I was wrong). Is this a problem that I should have covered before having intimate conversations?
 
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  • #2


theJorge551 said:
And, this is but one example..I've had many, many more experiences like this with other women, and it's only showing me that women have to confide their secrets with someone in order for them to have any meaning. I would greatly appreciate it if someone, anyone would enlighten me on this... Thanks for reading this lengthy post.

-Jorge
This is your girlfriend's personality. It has nothing to do with "women" in general.

You're only 16, so I don't know how you can say that you had many experiences.

Now that your girlfriend knows how you feel about sharing intimate information, has she agreed to stop?
 
  • #3


well i certainly don't think you should be shocked to discover that women tell their best friends most everything.
 
  • #4


AUK 1138 said:
well i certainly don't think you should be shocked to discover that women tell their best friends most everything.

I'm not terribly shocked at the fact that she tells her best friend everything, but I am upset at how she gives her best friend the right to interact with an entirely private subject. Please, let me know if I'm being irrational.
 
  • #5


Irrational? It is more complicated. Women are complex, and secrets do not belong to the real part.
 
  • #6


Evo said:
This is your girlfriend's personality. It has nothing to do with "women" in general.

You're only 16, so I don't know how you can say that you had many experiences.

Now that your girlfriend knows how you feel about sharing intimate information, has she agreed to stop?

The mere fact that I am young means nothing when it comes to topics that are intrinsically private by nature; for instance while talking about anything private. This isn't limited to intimate discussions of this sort, nor am I saying that all of the other examples of this had with women who I've been in relationships with.

It may be solely my girlfriend's personality, but I am noticing a strong trend. Forgive me if I seem to be treating this as empirical evidence.

Sorry if I seem blunt here, but perhaps it's my fault for choosing company who seem to consistently react in a particular way...

She knows how I feel now, but she is still constantly bringing up the fact that she should be allowed to tell her best friend whatever she so chooses...I'm not entirely sure that means that she will stop; at the very least stop giving her friend access to interact with our discussions.

Sorry if I seem blunt here, but perhaps it's my fault for choosing company who seem to consistently react in a particular way...
 
  • #7


Borek said:
Irrational? It is more complicated. Women are complex, and secrets do not belong to the real part.

I agree, it is more complicated, but I'm simply asking if my reaction seems irrational to anyone else looking in on this scenario. And, can you please elaborate on "...secrets do not belong to the real part." :confused:
 
  • #8


theJorge551 said:
The mere fact that I am young means nothing when it comes to topics that are intrinsically private by nature; for instance while talking about anything private. This isn't limited to intimate discussions of this sort, nor am I saying that all of the other examples of this had with women who I've been in relationships with.

It may be solely my girlfriend's personality, but I am noticing a strong trend. Forgive me if I seem to be treating this as empirical evidence.

I don't think you've been in any relationships with "women" yet. I think you've been in relationships with teenage girls.
 
  • #9


Borek said:
Irrational? It is more complicated. Women are complex, and secrets do not belong to the real part.

Correct. The secrets are linearly independent from the part of women that men observe.
 
  • #10


lisab said:
Correct. The secrets are linearly independent from the part of women that men observe.

I am aware of this, but I am merely asking everyone if my reaction to what should be (in my opinion) a completely, intrinsically private conversation, becoming not-so-private, is justified.
 
  • #11


well, with all due respect, you should realize that while she tells her best friend things, you are making a post online for the world to see. granted, none of us know your real name and you aren't sharing anything 'private' but you must see how it is similar. if you think it's a problem you should confront her. if she won't stop and that upsets you, break it off.
 
  • #12


AUK 1138 said:
well, with all due respect, you should realize that while she tells her best friend things, you are making a post online for the world to see. granted, none of us know your real name and you aren't sharing anything 'private' but you must see how it is similar. if you think it's a problem you should confront her. if she won't stop and that upsets you, break it off.

My posting this problem here with no direct detail is absolutely nothing compared to the details that were disclosed earlier. It is similar, I agree, but the purpose of gaining advice is, in my defense, completely different from my girlfriend's purpose of recreation when she disclosed what she did. Thanks for your advice.
 
  • #13


theJorge551 said:
I am aware of this, but I am merely asking everyone if my reaction to what should be (in my opinion) a completely, intrinsically private conversation, becoming not-so-private, is justified.

I was kidding in that post, btw.

In all seriousness: you're completely justified to be furious - I certainly would be upset if I were in your shoes. I think it's highly disrespectful and inappropriate to share details of intimate conversations without letting you know beforehand.

Also, don't generalize this behavior to all females, or even just some females; I'm sure there are males who do it too.
 
  • #14


lisab said:
In all seriousness: you're completely justified to be furious - I certainly would be upset if I were in your shoes. I think it's highly disrespectful and inappropriate to share details of intimate conversations without letting you know beforehand.

Thanks...my main problem is that now, I'm not 100% sure that she won't breach our privacy again, and I'm afraid of saying anything to her that I wouldn't want someone else to hear about. And, I'm also concerned about anything else that she might not have seen as "private", and is now no longer anything of the sort. I'm going to have to make myself 100% clear with her about something that should have been clear before we even started dating...>.<
 
  • #15


I'm going to grammar nazi your face off and make sure you realize that it's 'private' not "private."
 
  • #16


theJorge551 said:
Thanks...my main problem is that now, I'm not 100% sure that she won't breach our privacy again, and I'm afraid of saying anything to her that I wouldn't want someone else to hear about. And, I'm also concerned about anything else that she might not have seen as "private", and is now no longer anything of the sort. I'm going to have to make myself 100% clear with her about something that should have been clear before we even started dating...>.<

I'd say you have a completely clear and rational grasp of the situation.
 
  • #17


AUK 1138 said:
I'm going to grammar nazi your face off and make sure you realize that it's 'private' not "private."

Touché good sir, touché. I...don't really care a whole lot about my grammar mistakes, given the circumstances...but that's just me.
 
  • #18


AUK 1138 said:
I'm going to grammar nazi your face off and make sure you realize that it's 'private' not "private."

Ah, grammar nazis...bless their hearts :-p.
 
  • #19


Borek said:
...
Women are complex, and secrets do not belong to the real part.
But to the imaginary part?

:smile::smile::smile:
 
  • #21


theJorge551 said:
I must say, I found this thread and couldn't stop laughing...might be worth a look to anyone who posted on mine. :P

https://www.physicsforums.com/showthread.php?t=365240
People are joking about the stereotype in that thread.

My ex husband was the one that would discuss all of our intimate moments with the wopmen he worked with. I never discussed anything intimate with anyone. I never told secrets to anyone. Everyone always inundated me with their persoanl lives so I kept my mouth shut about mine.
 
  • #22


Evo said:
People are joking about the stereotype in that thread.

My ex husband was the one that would discuss all of our intimate moments with the wopmen he worked with. I never discussed anything intimate with anyone. I never told secrets to anyone. Everyone always inundated me with their persoanl lives so I kept my mouth shut about mine.

I'm the same way. I can't believe the intimate things people tell me - even people I hardly know! A secretary at a former workplace told me how many abortions she'd had - the first time I ran into her in the women's room !
 
  • #23


AUK 1138 said:
I'm going to grammar nazi your face off and make sure you realize that it's 'private' not "private."

But wouldn't that be ' "private".' rather than ' "private." '?
 
  • #24


Sighhh...

I talked to my girlfriend about keeping parts of our relationship a secret, and she tells me that she has only revealed small bits of information other than the conversation we had. Nothing at all very intimate, she says...and everything was very pleasant between us. Now, she is telling me that apparently, "It's hard to keep these feelings in without telling anyone, so if you find yourself slipping a bit of our secrets to other people it's fine," (as a way to justify when she slips some of our secrets). She then proceeds to say:

"To be honest, I would like to share these feelings with someone other than you, to brag a little about how sweet you are and what we do."

This...is what bothers me. The people she wishes to share things with are also very close friends of mine, so it's revealing and extremely embarrassing... >////< Sigh...

Seems like the "how sweet you are" part was added to soften things a bit...

Edit: I also tried to convey to her a situation in which she might feel the same way that I do, asking her how she would feel if I told things (what she really wants to tell her friend) to a male friend of ours. She was completely unphased. I'm starting to think that if she can't keep any very private things a secret between us without complaining that she "feels the need to tell others", or even more distastefully, "brag", then she is far less mature than I once thought her to be. :(
 
Last edited:
  • #25


if it truly makes you uncomfortable break up with her. the chances of you marrying her are so slim, why prolong the inevitable if you aren't truly happy? there is ALWAYS another chick.

Andre said:
But wouldn't that be ' "private".' rather than ' "private." '?

no, you're wrong on both accounts.
 
  • #26


If her best friend is THAT interested in your sex life, ask her to join in. That'll either shut her up or you'll have a great experience.
 
  • #27


This is what I call win-win solution.
:smile::smile::smile:
 
  • #28


Jack21222 said:
If her best friend is THAT interested in your sex life, ask her to join in. That'll either shut her up or you'll have a great experience.

You're all about practical solutions, aren't you? I like that.:smile:
 
  • #29


Jack21222 said:
If her best friend is THAT interested in your sex life, ask her to join in. That'll either shut her up or you'll have a great experience.

This disregards the fact that I am absolutely not interested in asking her to join. No attraction, whatsoever (if you knew her, you would precisely understand why, but that's irrelevant in this conversation). An impulsive decision if anything...one designed with rhetoric in mind but completely disregards how I feel about her best friend.
 
  • #30


Are you arguing that both your girlfriend and her best friend would agree to a threesome, so you'd better not ask because you'd be duty-bound to go through with it when you don't want to?

Besides, I was half-joking. Though, my core point still stands. You can probably embarass the friend in such a manner that she learns to mind her own business.
 

Related to Is there a general trait among women to keep no secrets?

1. Is there scientific evidence to support the idea that women are more likely to keep no secrets?

There is currently no conclusive scientific evidence that suggests women have a general trait of keeping no secrets. Studies have shown that both men and women have the tendency to keep secrets, and the likelihood of keeping a secret may vary depending on individual personality traits and social factors.

2. Are women more trustworthy than men when it comes to keeping secrets?

There is no clear answer to this question as trustworthiness is a subjective trait and can vary among individuals regardless of gender. Some studies have shown that women may be more likely to disclose secrets to close friends or family members, but this does not necessarily mean they are less trustworthy.

3. Are there any cultural or societal factors that influence women to keep no secrets?

There is evidence to suggest that cultural and societal norms can play a role in shaping an individual's tendency to keep secrets. In some cultures, women may be socialized to value confidentiality and discretion, while in others, they may be encouraged to share personal information more freely. However, these factors are not universal and may vary among individuals.

4. Do women feel more pressure to keep secrets due to gender stereotypes?

There is no definitive answer to this question as it may vary among individuals. Some studies have shown that women may feel pressure to maintain a certain image or reputation, which could lead to keeping secrets. However, this is not necessarily due to gender stereotypes and can also be influenced by personal values and beliefs.

5. Can keeping secrets have negative effects on women's mental health?

There is limited research on the specific effects of keeping secrets on women's mental health. However, studies have shown that keeping secrets can lead to feelings of guilt, shame, and anxiety, which can potentially have negative impacts on mental health. It is important for individuals, regardless of gender, to find healthy ways to cope with secrets and seek support if needed.

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