Joke: an American, Dutchman and Chinese

[Monique]

An American, a Dutchman and a Chinese strand after a shipwreck on an uninhabited island.

The American says: "I've been in the army for many years, I know how to survive. So if you guys don't mind, I'll give the orders". The Dutchman and Chinese find it very well. The American goes further: "Ok, each of us will will have to search for something. You, Chinese guy, take care of the supplies. Dutch guy, you take care of the food, and I'll take care of the wood. In two hours we'll meet back here." Everyone finds it a good plan and they go their own ways.

After 2 hours the American and the Dutchman are on the agreed spot. The Chinese is, however, nowhere in sight. They wait still a couple of hours and as the Chinese still doesn’t arrive, they get worried. They decide to search for him. Some hours later they have combed the complete island, but no Chinese found.

Thinking that he might have been eaten by a wild animal, they sadly decide to go back. Arrived at the spot, they sit down, looking despondently at their stuff, as suddenly the Chinese jumps from the shrubs and calls: "Supplies!"


Disclaimer: this is a joke and should not be taken seriously.

 

[Mentat]

That was hilarious, Monique! I'm going to have to remember that one.

 

[Monique]

Someone had just mailed it to me and I thought it was so funny I translated it for you guys to enjoy those jokes used to be so common, now it has been ages since I heard any of them :(


Like: a Dutchman, German and Belgian are in a swimming competition to cross the British canal. Half way the distance the German guy gives up and swims back. Not long afterwards the Dutch guy also feels cramps coming up and decides to return. The Belgian says: Amay! I can win this heh? And he swims and swims, the other shore starts to come insight, but he is overcome be exhaustion. Amay, I can't do this heh? I can never reach that shore line, and he gives up and starts swimming back..

There is a really funny way to tell that joke.. I am not sure how to though :P It is basically poking fun at thy neighbours :)

 

[Monique]

An American, a Dutchman, and a Frenchman are all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when, all of a sudden, Saudi police rush in and arrest them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offense in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the booze, they are all sentenced to death!

However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they are able to successfully appeal their sentences down to life imprisonment. By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip.

As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh announced: "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."

The Dutchman was first in line, he thought for a while and then said "Please tie a pillow to my back."

This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. When the punishment was done he had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain.

The Frenchman was next up. After watching the Dutchman in horror he said smugly: "Please fix two pillows to my back." But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again and the Frenchman was soon led away whimpering loudly.

The American was the last one up, but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "You are from a most beautiful part of the world and your culture is one of the finest in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!"

"Thank you, your Most Royal and Merciful highness", the American replied. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."

"Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave". The Sheikh said with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. "And your second wish, what is it to be?" the Sheikh asked.

The American replied: "Tie the Frenchman to my back."


Disclaimer: again, I hope no one is offended, it is meant only a joke :)

 

[Monique]

AHHH! I have finally gotten my answer what's the Culture Differences between Aussies, Canadians, Americans, and Brits:

On National Pride:
• Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad.
• Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when abroad
• Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad.
• Brits: Can't possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad.

On Helping Other Nations:
• Aussies: Believe you should look out for your mates.
• Brits: Believe that you should look out for those people who belong to your club.
• Americans: Believe that people should look out for & take care of themselves.
• Canadians: Believe that that's the government's job.

On their national Anthem:
• Aussies: Are extremely patriotic to their beer.
• Americans: Are flag-waving, anthem-singing, and obsessively patriotic to the point of blindness.
• Canadians: Can't agree on the words to their anthem, when they can be bothered to sing them.
• Brits: Do not sing at all but prefer a large brass band to perform the anthem.

On Television:
• Americans: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box.
• Canadians: Don't, but only because they can't get more American channels.
• Brits: Pay a tax just so they can watch four channels.
• Aussies: Export all their crappy programs, which no-one there watches, to Britain, where everybody loves them.

On Sports:
• Americans: Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball, and basketball.
• Brits: Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer, and rugby.
• Canadians: Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey, hockey, hockey, and how they beat the Americans twice, playing baseball.
• Aussies: Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the Poms in every sport they play them in.

On the English Language:
• Americans: Spell words differently, but still call it "English".
• Brits: Pronounce their words differently, but still call it "English".
• Canadians: Spell like the Brits, pronounce like Americans.
• Aussies: Add "G'day", "mate" and a heavy accent to everything they say.

On Shopping:
• Brits: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island
• Aussies: Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an island.
• Americans: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backwards country.
• Canadians: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor in a backwards country.

On Beer:
• Americans: Drink weak, pissy-tasting beer.
• Canadians: Drink strong, pissy-tasting beer.
• Brits: Drink warm, beery-tasting piss.
• Aussies: Drink anything with alcohol in it.

On Helping Others in Need
• Americans: Seem to think that poverty & failure are morally suspect.
• Canadians: Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect.
• Brits: Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success and failure are inherited things.
• Aussies: Seem to think that none of this matters after several beers.


Again: don't take this seriously, it is meant for laughs :)

 

[hypnagogue]

Originally posted by Monique
The American replied: "Tie the Frenchman to my back."

LOL. wow. The first one about the Chinese was kind of hackneyed, but this gave me a genuine belly laugh. Good job.

 

[Monique]

Well, I am on a roll, here's another one:

Learn Chinese In five minutes! (Please read these out loud, it helps)
• He's cleaning his automobile - Wa Shing Ka
• This is a tow away zone - No Pah King
• Is there a fugitive here? - Hu Yu Hai Ding?
• Small Horse - Tai Ni Po Ni
• Your price is too high - No Bai Nut Ding
• Did you go to the beach? - Wai Yu So Tan?
• I bumped into a coffee table - Ai Bang Mai Ni
• It's very dark in here - Wai So Dim?
• Has your flight been delayed? - Hao Long Wei Ting?
• I thought you were on a diet - Wai Yu Mun Ching?
• They have arrived - Hia Dei Kum
• Your body odor is offensive - Yu Stin Ki Pu
• I got this for free - Ai No Pei
• You know lyrics to the Macarena? - Wai Yu Sing Dum Song?
• Stay out of sight - Lei lo

 

[Njorl]

The difference between heaven and hell.

In heaven, the Germans make the cars, the English run the police and the French cook the food.

In hell, the French make the cars, the Germans run the police, the English cook the food.

B'dop ching!

Njorl

 

[megashawn]

To funny. I really liked the 3 guys in Saudi, classic american response.

I got one for ya.

These 3 nuns at a catholic church have been working week in and out for several months, and finanly got the nerve to ask the Father for the weekend off.

After a little contemplating he agreed, but only if they agreed to confess there sins on monday morning. The nuns agreed and each went there own way for the weekend.

Monday morning comes along and the 3 nuns are waiting in line at the confession booth. The first one goes and the Father asks of her sins. She confesses that she touched a man. The father tells her to do 10 hail marys and wash her hand in the holy water. She does.

The third nun in line starts snickering.

The second one goes in and the Father asks of her sins. She says that she kissed* a man. The father tells her to do 20 hail marys and drink from the Holy water.

The third nun is crying she is laughing so hard at this point. Its he turn next, and when asked of her activities over the weekend, she admits "I peed in the holy water."
__________________________________

*It was originally something else, but I edited for the innocent eyes.

Something doesn't seem quite right about it, maybe cause its written out.

 

[Robert Zaleski]

So Monique, did the Walloon swimmer make it back to shore ok?

 

[quantumdude]

An Texan, a Brit, a Frenchman and a Mexican are on an airplane, and it's going down. There is only one parachute, and the crew has already bailed out. The four look at each other and determine that 3 must make the ultimate sacrifice. The Brit is first up, and says "God save the Queen!" and jumps out. Not to be undone, the Frenchman gets up and says, "Vive la France!" and jumps out. The Texan and the Mexican look at each other uneasily. Then, much to the Mexican's relief, the big, burly Texan gets up.














He walks over to the Mexican and says, "Remember the Alamo!" and tosses him out of the plane.

 

[KLscilevothma]

Originally posted by Monique
Well, I am on a roll, here's another one:

Learn Chinese In five minutes! (Please read these out loud, it helps)
• He's cleaning his automobile - Wa Shing Ka
• This is a tow away zone - No Pah King
• Is there a fugitive here? - Hu Yu Hai Ding?
• Small Horse - Tai Ni Po Ni
• Your price is too high - No Bai Nut Ding
• Did you go to the beach? - Wai Yu So Tan?
• I bumped into a coffee table - Ai Bang Mai Ni
• It's very dark in here - Wai So Dim?
• Has your flight been delayed? - Hao Long Wei Ting?
• I thought you were on a diet - Wai Yu Mun Ching?
• They have arrived - Hia Dei Kum
• Your body odor is offensive - Yu Stin Ki Pu
• I got this for free - Ai No Pei
• You know lyrics to the Macarena? - Wai Yu Sing Dum Song?
• Stay out of sight - Lei lo

Um.. I know Chinese but I cannot figure out what the words on the right hand side mean. I think that may be other asian language instead of Chinese.