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Lawyers are funny

  1. Nov 16, 2004 #1


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    Recently reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal,
    the following 22 questions were actually asked of witnesses by attorneys
    during trials. In certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses also appear:

    1. "Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,
    he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"

    2. "The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"

    3. "Were you present when your picture was taken?"

    4. "Were you alone or by yourself?"

    5. "Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"

    6. "Did he kill you?"

    7. "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"

    8. "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"

    9. "How many times have you committed suicide?"

    10. Q: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?"
    A: "Yes."
    Q: "And what were you doing at that time?"

    11. Q: "She had three children, right?"
    A: "Yes."
    Q: "How many were boys?"
    A: "None."
    Q: "Were there any girls?"

    12. Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?"
    A: "Yes."
    Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"

    13. Q: "Mr. Slattery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon,
    didn't you?
    A: "I went to Europe, Sir."
    Q: "And you took your new wife?"

    14. Q: "How was your first marriage terminated?"
    A: "By death."
    Q: "And by who's death was it terminated?"

    15. Q: "Can you describe the individual?"
    A: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
    Q: "Was this a male, or a female?"

    16. Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
    deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?"
    A: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work."

    17. Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead
    people?" A: "All my autopsies are performed on dead people."

    18. Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?"
    A: "Oral."

    19. Q: "Do you recall the time you examined the body?"
    A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m."
    Q: "And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?"
    A: "No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an

    20. Q: "You were not shot in the fracas?"
    A: "No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel."

    21. Q: "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
    A: "I have been since early childhood."

    22. Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for
    a pulse?"
    A: "No."
    Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
    A: "No."
    Q: "Did you check for breathing?"
    A: "No."
    Q: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
    began the autopsy?"
    A: "No."
    Q: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
    A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
    Q: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
    A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing
    law somewhere."
  2. jcsd
  3. Nov 16, 2004 #2


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    18. Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?"
    A: "Oral."

    Is this what they mean when they say a lawyer should never ask a question unless he knows what the answer will be? :rofl:
  4. Nov 16, 2004 #3

    Ivan Seeking

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    Those are great! :rofl: :tongue2: :rofl:
  5. Nov 16, 2004 #4


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    #22 really kills ! :rofl:
  6. Nov 17, 2004 #5


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    #'s 18-22 are hysterical!
    Lawyers are funny... but witnesses are funnier!! :rofl:
  7. Nov 17, 2004 #6
    I've seen this list before but I still get a laugh.
    #22 my favourite.
  8. Nov 17, 2004 #7
    #22 is golden. Can imagine the look on the judge and lawyer's faces after the response?
  9. Jan 8, 2007 #8


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    Bump - this is still funny.
  10. Jan 8, 2007 #9
    17-22 were great, the rest were not so good, and some seemed like reasonable questions meant to drive in a certain point.

    19 and 22 are fantastic.
  11. Jan 8, 2007 #10
    12. Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?"
    A: "Yes."
    Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"

    hahaha, thats hillarious
    Last edited: Jan 8, 2007
  12. Jan 8, 2007 #11


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    Haha...these definitely made my day. :rofl:
  13. Jan 8, 2007 #12


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    Yep - these are still great. I've heard few before.

    The ones about autopsies are hilarious. :rofl:

    Was he dead at the time of the autopsy? :rofl: :rolleyes:
  14. Jan 8, 2007 #13
    22's the best! :rofl: Thanks for the bumping this up, Evo!

    Btw, I hope these are just jokes. :uhh:
    Last edited: Jan 8, 2007
  15. Jan 8, 2007 #14
    Thank you! I would have never seen this thread otherwise! :rofl: :rofl:

    This is awesome
  16. Jan 8, 2007 #15
    Those are hilarious!!!!

    A co-worker of mine asked a Mom if her child knew the alphabet. She perked up with a big smile and said" Yes, and he knows his letters too!"
    Last edited: Jan 8, 2007
  17. Jan 8, 2007 #16


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    Well, now, this is only funny if it's a 1-story house. :tongue2:

    My favorite was Oral. Quick thinking witness. Man, if I'd been in the Jury Box, I would have lost it big time. :rofl:
  18. Jan 8, 2007 #17
    It could be interpreted to mean a few things, lol.
    Last edited: Jan 8, 2007
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