Life is like a box of coffee chocolates.... I need a boost. Physically and emotionally. I just have a very predictable and dull life. FACT. Nothing happens that is good, they all seem to want to spite me by being bad. My parents are splitting up. I try stay out of it as much as possible, but it is hard to. I decided not to go to national day in Gibraltar because my dad was told by my Nan that he wasnt welcome in Gib then. If he isnt welcome then how am I supposed to feel welcome? All my family will do their is pick at all my dad's faults anyway. Hardly gonna be a fun holiday for me. Told my mum I wasnt going to go. Given the cold shoulder for a few days. I thought it was MY choice, and that she wouldnt care either way. My brother isnt going either and he got the same treatment. My exam results totally sucked. I did the second worst in the year. AND I was at college for an extra year so that makes me feel even more of a bloody dumbass. And all my friends will go to university and have a great time, meet loads of new people, forget about me, while I'm stuck in a dead end job in bumsville with a crappy set of qualifications. People say I'm a really smart person (some say the smartest they know ) however my rubbish grades arent going to help potential employers think that are they? I'm just some college failure to them. I'm stuck in a dead end job. Being a deputy manager isnt all it has cracked up to be. I get paid, what 80p more an hour to endure more crap than a cashier, work harder, have to know more things, make potentially disasterous decisions, and only have my follies pointed out. In fact I do the same job as a manager but with less pay. The only thing that the manager has above me is one more point of security, which means they can purchase items for the shop. Big whoop. In actual fact, I can too, because I am set as a manager in my shop instead of a DM. It is going nowhere, I'm constantly working 11 hour days 6 days a week, sometimes in other shops in the area which is a bigger strain. And being phoned from home cos I'm "the only person in the entire area who can do this" which is bull-plop, I'm just the first name they can think of because they are always bloody sending me 45 minutes drive away, and making me spend my day off looking for these goddamn shops. I'm only contracted to work 5 days a week but because they dont seem to have any competent staff anywhere, I always seem to work that damn extra day, leaving me with little social life. My social life sucks because I'm a slave to the industry. Ooh. When I finish work, I may have a couple of drinks at the pub with workmates. Monotonous. Nothing new ever seems to happen, so its just the same every night. I dont meet anyone new. When I go out to a club or something with friends, maybe once a month or something (once a month at my age?? that is preposterous!!) I go out, have a laugh but never meet anyone new, never chatting to new people. I dont meet girls, and I dont know why, it just never seems to happen. But that fact that I dont meet people means that I will be always stuck with the same few people to go out with and not meet anyone new everytime. What is the point? I go out to waste money and only have a relatively good time, but seeing as I am always the duty driver, it makes it a very sober night for me, so I dont get to socially unwind, I have to pretend that drunken antics are amusing otherwise I get labelled a boring/moody sod (too many times now). My love life is bordering non-existent. This is probably due to the fact that I cant meet girls. The last time I had someone interested in me was February but that went stale quickly because she had a boyfriend. I have had no female contact since then. The one girl I like, who is 21, is probably WAY out of my league, plus she is interested in someone else, plus she is older so there is a highly unlikely chance of anything occuring. There is no-one else I know who is single who I could be interested in. Isn't that sad?? The only single girl in my life who I see often, so I have to have a crush on her. I'm 19, I'm in my prime, I should be a love machine, but instead I'm like some... abacus with cobwebs on it. When I go out, every other guy is the carrot and potatoes, I'm the bloody brocolli and sprouts. I am brocolli man. I just seem to be going nowhere. I know I'm young and only just started life, but what happened to being carefree and spirited? I have lost all heart. I am constantly stressed. Always tense, always on edge. Each day gets harder and harder, it's like some heavy weight is dragging me into deep water and each day I sink a little lower. There is no hand to pull me up. I'm drowning in depression. I dont know where to turn, I dont know where to run to. I cant deal with all these things. These are the main problems, but give me time to think and I can come up with a few more. I just dont know what to do. Sometimes I get so angry I just want to tear down the walls, sometimes I just desensitize myself to everything, and sometimes I just want to curl up in a ball and cry. I'm just so tired and drained of everything. Physically and emotionally. I just cant seem to put a foot right.