Dismiss Notice
Join Physics Forums Today!
The friendliest, high quality science and math community on the planet! Everyone who loves science is here!

Life is weird

  1. Sep 30, 2007 #1

    wolram

    User Avatar
    Gold Member

    A guy i have known since high school turns out to be gay, so whats weird about that?
    he has been married and had two children and had a divorce, i thought it was strange that he seemed better off, usually child support and maintaing another home makes a guy poorer, but he showed signs of being better off, driving a new car and looking better dressed , he is in his 50s and i can not fathom this, we are still good friends, how does a guy change this late in life?
     
  2. jcsd
  3. Sep 30, 2007 #2

    Kurdt

    User Avatar
    Staff Emeritus
    Science Advisor
    Gold Member

    The social structure of Britain was a lot different when you were growing up wolram. Homosexuality had only been recently decriminalised and it was still quite tabboo for many people. Perhaps he felt better off hiding his true inclinations for fear of negative reactions from those people. Since society has moved on and homosexuality is a notion that people have gotten used to and comfortable with, he may have redicovered his true self. He may have hung on longer for the kids.

    We do live in unique times of huge social transformations. :smile:
     
  4. Sep 30, 2007 #3

    Evo

    User Avatar

    Staff: Mentor

    My former boss came out of the closet after years of marriage and three kids. He only got married and had kids because it would have prevented him form having a career back when he was starting out. Once he was established, the "taboo" was lifted and was actually quite common to be gay at my company which was one of the largest in the US and globally. It was like one day all the men there came out of the closet. Every guy I worked with was gay. I was the odd one, being female and straight.
     
  5. Sep 30, 2007 #4

    wolram

    User Avatar
    Gold Member

    It still strikes me as being weird, it is like a life long vegan suddenly turning into a meat eater, i guess it does not happen overnight, almost as if a switch has been thrown, there must be a transformation period, a period when people notice the change.
     
  6. Sep 30, 2007 #5
    Life is pretty weird.

    Why not ask him about it?

    I had a friend for 3 years when I was in the navy. I discovered he was bisexual about a year after I got out. Another friend had told me that he was living in North Carolina with another man and his daughter. I stopped by to visit once and spent the weekend. They seemed like a very normal, somewhat boring family. It didn't seem nearly as strange as I had thought it to be.

    He had always been bisexual, but had reasons to conceal that from people. The act of sex isn't always done out of love. People that refrain from certain social behaviours receive a stigma. He would have lost his friends and been picked on in school if he had revealed his sexuality then. In the navy it isn't acceptable to reveal such things. It wasn't until he was out of the navy, and didn't have his schoolmates around, and had met another man that he was interested in, that he felt any desire to reveal himself.
     
  7. Sep 30, 2007 #6

    wolram

    User Avatar
    Gold Member

    I should ask him about it, but i not comfortable, i know it is wrong and he is still a good friend, but i find myself tightening my belt when we meet, like i said life is weird even if i am the weird part of it.
     
  8. Sep 30, 2007 #7

    Kurdt

    User Avatar
    Staff Emeritus
    Science Advisor
    Gold Member

    I find this strange because more often than not when people appear interested in others for whatever reason, one tends to get a positive response.
     
  9. Sep 30, 2007 #8

    wolram

    User Avatar
    Gold Member

    I think you are so wrong, my memories of this guy , as a guy type guy, are like when we went out scrumping together, or jumping out of a hay loft onto the bales below, or doing some slightly illegal things together, guy type things, it has rocked my boat to find out that he is gay, that is not a big problem on my part, i mean how can you wash out years of friendship, but that does not mean that i can feel as easy with him as i used to be.
     
  10. Sep 30, 2007 #9

    Moonbear

    User Avatar
    Staff Emeritus
    Science Advisor
    Gold Member

    Why not? He's still the same person. He probably just married and had kids because that's "what you're supposed to do," and at the time there was too much stigma to admitting to being gay that it was just easier to pretend to be something he wasn't. It's also possible he's actually bisexual, so really did have feelings for his wife too, but otherwise more likely they just had a good friendship or lived more like roommates, without any real physical attraction. Now that society is more accepting, he can stop pretending to be something he's not, and indeed, that's probably why he's been so much happier since getting divorced, that he no longer needs to live a lie.
     
  11. Sep 30, 2007 #10

    wolram

    User Avatar
    Gold Member

    How can one live a lie for so many years? do not get me wrong i will stand by my old mate whatever, but that does not mean i understand his transformation and feel comfortable about it.
     
  12. Sep 30, 2007 #11

    turbo

    User Avatar
    Gold Member

    He may still want to jump out of hay lofts with you. He may still be the best person to watch your back if you get pissed at the local. Grow up.
     
  13. Sep 30, 2007 #12

    wolram

    User Avatar
    Gold Member


    Hey Turbo, why should i have to grow up, it is enough that i can at least have some understanding and tollerance for others, why should anyone have their world view explode
    and understand it.
     
  14. Sep 30, 2007 #13

    turbo

    User Avatar
    Gold Member

    Your friend may be the best person to watch your back, and he may be the best person to hook you up with a lover. Just a suggestion.
     
  15. Oct 1, 2007 #14
    He may of loved his wife very much, for many years. He may love her still. I am sure he loves his children very much. Does there come a time in ones life, when you understand your own feelings{for others} may be hurting the people you love the most?
    Its really not odd that he sports a new car and cloths, and he may of gotten into quite a lot of debt doing so. Post-divorced people often do this.
    With good friends, we really do not need to understand the why's and if's. The older we get, the less importaint it all is. I love my old friends because we share so many memories, and can laugh over a good glass of beer. Time is such a precious thing, and old friends pass to quickly.
     
  16. Oct 1, 2007 #15

    baywax

    User Avatar
    Gold Member

    The responsibilities that come with parenting sometimes demand that you live a lie. I mean, just because you don't like changing diapers or sitting with a sleeping infant all day does not mean you are not going to do it... is this not living a lie?? When you couple in the love and the caring you feel for this infant... yet want to be out screwing all your gay buddies... this compounds the lie.
    It is often in the best interest of infants, toddlers and tweens if both the husband and wife are present in their lives as support and guidance. This is extra important in that it provides support for each of the spouses and renders them better able to deal with the challenges of raising a child. This includes better rest, better use of time and sharing the duties of a household... without detracting from the learning and growth of the child since the duties are shared.

    Beyond a certain age there is a better chance to leave the children with one of the spouses without causing too much harm to the support network. The children are better suited to take care of certain matters on their own at a later age. This provides one spouse the possibility of leaving the family and shedding the "lie" they thought they were living.
     
  17. Oct 1, 2007 #16

    arildno

    User Avatar
    Science Advisor
    Homework Helper
    Gold Member
    Dearly Missed

    You shouldn't forget that for earlier generations, a lot of self-deception among gays was also prevalent:

    You would certainly notice that your frienship bonds with men could be a lot stronger emotionally than relationships with women, but that you didn't consciously raise/identify that enthusiasm for a particular guy into a specifically sexual attraction (which was a psychological non-option).

    Once a particular guy struck you so hard emotionally that it was impossible to deny that your fondness for him was strongly sexual laden, the mental floodgates burst open, and your earlier friendships are recognized for what they actually were.
     
  18. Oct 1, 2007 #17

    mgb_phys

    User Avatar
    Science Advisor
    Homework Helper

    A friend of mine got caught using a mac in a coffee shop. It was a shock to all of us.
    I mean he had happily had windows machines for years and even used linux - there was no sign. I mean he had never worn black turtle necks or shown any inclination toward expensive thin shiny things before.
    I can accept that people are different and some people will naturally be drawn to using emacs because the way their brain is wired - but a mac !!!!!!!
     
  19. Oct 1, 2007 #18

    baywax

    User Avatar
    Gold Member

    I'm not pointing fingers with the idea of deception. Its more like a form of self-control when a parent weighs the value of raising their offspring in a manner that the child might also live a life well and choose a sexual preference... as opposed to the parent dumping their children in pursuit of sexual freedom and all those... dramatic, yet impractical goals.
     
  20. Oct 1, 2007 #19

    wolram

    User Avatar
    Gold Member

    Seems like i have little knowledge of these things, and is a common occurrence, i guess living in a small village and working in a small town one just does not get the total picture.
     
  21. Oct 1, 2007 #20

    arildno

    User Avatar
    Science Advisor
    Homework Helper
    Gold Member
    Dearly Missed

    Most likely, your friend won't be offended if you express your puzzlement to him.

    Instead, it is more probable that he will be pleasantly surprised if you show what genuinely find strange about his public "change", rather than forcibly keeping your puzzlement a non-issue.
     
Know someone interested in this topic? Share this thread via Reddit, Google+, Twitter, or Facebook

Have something to add?



Similar Discussions: Life is weird
  1. Life is . . . . (Replies: 21)

  2. Weird News (Replies: 0)

  3. Weird and spurious (Replies: 3)

  4. Weird rain (Replies: 7)

  5. Weird population (Replies: 19)

Loading...