Lightbulb Jokes - How Many Does it Take?

[Svein]

• Q: How many science fiction writers does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Two, but it's actually the same person doing it. He went back in time and met himself in the doorway and then the first one sat on the other one's shoulder so that they were able to reach it. Then a major time paradox occurred and the entire room, lightbulb, changer and all was blown out of existence. They co-existed in a parallel universe, though.

• Q: How many signal processing engineers does it take to change a lightbulb ?

A: Three. One to Fourier transform the lightbulb, one to apply a complex exponential rotational shifting operator, and one to inverse transform the removed lightbulb.

• Q: How many Einsteins does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: That depends on the speed of the changer, and the mass of the bulb. Or vice versa, of course. Then it just might be easier to leave the bulb alone and change the room. It's all relative.

• Q: How many auto mechanics does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Six - One to force it with a hammer and five to go out for more bulbs.
A: Two, one to screw in all the bulbs he has until he finds one that fits, and the other to tell you he thinks he'll have to replace the whole socket.

• Q: How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Just one, provided there's an engineer around to explain how to do it.
A: 100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC7500439-0001, Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, of which 10% of the pages state only "This page intentionally left blank", and 20% of the definitions are of the form "A ... consists of sequences of non-blank characters separated by blanks".
(Notes : This is one of the most impressively durable LBJs. It occurs, virtually letter-for-letter identical, in lists whose contents are otherwise wildly different.)

• Q: How many IBM CPU's does it take to turn on a light bulb?

A: 33 - 1 to process the instruction and 32 to process the interrupt.

• Q: How many Apple and IBM nuts does it take to change a lightbulb ?

A: An infinite number: nothing useful gets done while they're arguing. Finally a disgusted generic computer user (who will use any type that is in front of him) gets up and changes the bulb, elbowing the participants aside. The size of the crowd arguing seems to be a function of time, although whether or not the function is exponential is not known.

• Q: How many Apple employees does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: Seven. One to screw it in and six to design the tee-shirts.

• Q: How many Apple programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Only one, but why bother ? Your light socket will just be obsolete in six months anyway.

• Q: How many Microsoft employees does it take to change a lightbulb ?

A: It burned out? You must be using a non-standard socket.
A: None. They just write it up as a new and useful feature.
A: One - but Bill Gates must inspect every single bulb and socket before the operation is started.

• Q: How many Microsoft Visual C++ programmers does it take ...

A: 400. 1 to change the bulb, 50 to write a magazine about it, 50 to write a help file about it, 50 to code a little gadget so when you hit the bulb it will announce all the names of the team involved, 50 to go down to the drinks machine and get everyone their can of coke, 50 to show off about how installing a light bulb for Bill has made them paper millionaires, 1 to answer the phone at the help desk ("Putting you through to our light bulb expert sir... click"), 148 to pad out the pictures in the "Light Bulb - how we did it" magazine.

• Q: How many Bill Gates' (runs Microsoft) does it take to change a lightbulb ?

A: None. He simply declares darkness to be the new standard.

• Q: How many operating systems are required to screw in a light bulb?

A: Just one-Microsoft is making a special version of Windows for it.

• Q: How many people does it take to change an object-oriented light bulb?

A: Change it? Aw shucks, I was going to reuse it.

• Q: How many Object Oriented programmers does it take to change a lightbulb ?

A: None, they send it a message, and it changes itself.

• Q: How many alt.folklore.urban readers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: It depends on the way the bulb is threaded.
A: Two-fifty.
A: One, to be dying of cancer and request that everybody around the world send him light bulbs so he can get into the Guinness Book of World Records.
A: One, who'll do it for food.
A: One, to have a drink with a strange woman in a bar and pass out, wake up three days later in a seedy hotel room, find a scar on his back, and realize where the light bulb went.
A: Derek Tearne, to confirm that the bulb turns the same way in the southern hemisphere in spite of the Coriolis Effect (which is actually pretty negligible).
A: Furrfu !
(Notes : - furrfu is the word "sheesh" encoded in Rot-13 (a simple but commonly-used cipher that helps protect the unwary against unwanted exposure to sexual, vulgar, or other offensive language).

• Q: How many alt.conspiracy readers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: One to do it, one to insist that the CIA was responsible for the old bulb burning out, one to blame it on the Illuminati, one to blame the TLC/CFR/Bilderberg group, and Steve Crocker to say that Lyndon LaRouche predicted the bulb would someday burn out whereas the British-dominated establishment was telling us the bulbs would never need to be replaced, Ted Frank to tell everyone they're full of it, and several other people to insist that Ted is a member of the CFR.

• Q: How many net.jokers does it take to tell yet-another light bulb joke?

A: 622 - One to tell the original joke, and the rest to give some minor variation of it, believing this to constitute a great new joke that no one else had ever thought of.

 

[krater]

So, how many electricians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One, he stands there holding the lamp and the world revolves around him.

Slightly OT but have to include a couple of my favorite IBEW connontations as well:
I.B.E.W. = I Barely Even Work
I.B.E.W. = I Block Every Walkway

I had a carpenter once ask me if I was familiar with those survival reality shows. Why? If you note the three most important things they talk about: "Food, water, and shelter. And electricity is WAY down on that list!"

My response: "Then how come when you guys set up to work somewhere first thing you do is come crying to us for a place to plug in your three extension cords?"

 

[davenn]

good collection Svein