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Love is confussion

  1. Apr 12, 2005 #1
    love is confussion!!

    How many people can one fall in love with? I'm 24 and have known my wife for 7 years and been married to her for 2.5 years. I love her and I do care for her. We have very different personalities and one would ask how we even ended up together. Its one of which opposites attracted. She is a good girl,shy(at times),soft spoken,from a proper family life. I on the otherhand am a bad boy,blunt spoken,seperate(at times) not the most honest person,and come from a very broken home which has been all over from state to state and back again. She is an only child (very spoiled). I'm just one of five children. She requires a lot of attension due to being an only spoiled child where I a lot of the time want to escape to some place and just be by myself which doesn't ever work out because i'm bubarded by questions of why do you want to be alone? Where are you going? What are you gonna do? When these questions are answered I always get the same responce!
    She will get pouty and clam up which is what she does to make be feel guilty for wanting to escape. I do not like this at all and this causes me to hide a lot of pent up feelings about our relationship. Love has put me in this predictament.

    Love has also put me in another predictament! I have found a love at first site! I find myself in a moral dillemia that has left me numb and confused.
    I have fallin for a girl that I work with. I went into work one day and she was there. We locked eyes as soon as I walked threw the door. I was captivated by her presence as was she with mine. This is not about lust. Lust was and still is not even on my mind when I think about her. All I think about is wanting to know her. We hung out lastnight ALONE for the first time.
    We had a couple drinks and did quit abit of talking about our situation. When it was time to go I drove her back to her car but before she left to go home we sat in my car talking about our feelings for one another. I told her that I have never felt such conviction like this for someone and that it is driving me crazy(figureatively speaking)! She told me that when she saw me the first time that day I walk into work and we locked eyes she felt the same way. We sat there in my car for about 15 minutes before she left just gazzing into one anothers eyes not speaking but talking to each other with our eyes. We both knew that we wanted to Kiss however we did not and then we went to our homes. she is well aware of me being married and she has a boyfriend.

    Why did this happen? How can this be morally right? How many people can one be in love with?

    My Brain says no but my Heart says yes!
    I never thought this could happen to me!
  2. jcsd
  3. Apr 12, 2005 #2
    Love certainly is confusing, but I wouldn't define it as confusion. Seems you have gotten yourself into a tricky situation. I'm not sure that I believe in true love at first sight. That feeling your having is really some chemical reaction in your brain. Keep that in mind before you trade one life for another. Love may be blind, but fidelity is a choice. You have to make a choice of partners.

    I suppose you could cheat on your wife. The damage that could cause might make it the worst choice. For example, if she ever discovered it, and it appears she is already thinking it, her suspicions will have been justified and you will have hurt someone that you love deeply. If she never discovers it then you still have the burden of guilt to deal with. Everyone deals with guilt differently so I do not know what that would mean for you.

    I personally enjoy the feeling of love but I see it as a mechanism to keep a mated pair together. Society would be very different without it. Keep that in mind when you make your decision. Whatever decision you make, be prepared to accept complete responsibility for it. If you find you can't be honest then your probably doing something wrong.

    I notice you placed this in the category of values. Humility, honesty, compassion, understanding. Take an honest look at the person who you are. Accept that image of yourself. Then work diligently to become the person you want to be.
    Last edited: Apr 12, 2005
  4. Apr 12, 2005 #3
    Love at first sight is lovely, but can be very tricky. You put in your mind that you like that person and this is it, but once you get to know him better he turns out to be definately different, you keep on convincing yourself he's the one you liked but it's never gonne work. You must have been on one of those stressed moments with your wife when you met the other lady aparently.
    Just ask yourself, is what your wife do sufficient for you to leave her? You deeply know she's doing that because she's worried about you and ofcourse because she loves you. If your life is going nowhere with her, she will be feeling that too and you'll both talk it over.
    But IMO don't do this to your wife only because of the reasons you mentioned, remember she's the one you liked for 7 years and I can pretty much assure you the other lady won't share your same interests and she's definately not your soul mate. Give it another deep look.
    Good luck :wink:
  5. Apr 12, 2005 #4
    First of all, I think that it is possible to be in love of more than one persona t the same time, but it is in very rare cases, and I wouldn't define yours in this category. Maybe, what you should do is becoming aware of the situation, analyze it, and make decisions. Adk your self questions like, do you love your wife?, do you love the other girl? Then try to realize that you HAVE to choose one. If you don't find out which one you really love, then, there are two options:
    1) You haven't deeply answered your questions, because either:
    a) you don't want to know the answer 8maybe you are scared of it), or
    b) you find your self ok how you are, if this is the case, then I invite you to carry on in your situation and going out with the new woman but making sure that nobody near to you, her, your wife or to her boyfriend is near, and even less, themselves! Then, there will be a moment that you see what you really want.
    2) There isn't a particular one, either:
    a) you love both: which has in my opinion, no good solution (aka, there will be someone sentimentally damaged,
    b) you love none: you don't really LOVE them, you just like them, from which I tell you that you should stay with the one that you are the nearest to hate, because maybe this new girl, and all this "love" between you, is only a strong representation of liking each other, as a friend, and this is one of the possibilities I find more probable because this new girl is very like you, and loving isn't that (In my opinion), the most you hate someone, the nearest you are of lloving that person.

    About if its moral, well, what are ou exactly asking. If you have married by state, then, well, it depends on your country, but you are supoosed to be able of deciding what is moral and ethical, whiles it isn't breaking any law of the country, and I think loving isn't prohibit in any country (heh) so you can perfectly be married to someone and actually love another person, but if you realise you love another person, then, you should decide, but try to take in mind not only your feeliongs, but the feelings of the rest of the inplicated people, and, if you think in a very mature way, also taking in consider your future with each of the wemen. If you married by church, well, again it depends by which church, but it basically isn't morally accepted to be married to someone and loving someone else.
  6. Apr 12, 2005 #5


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    I don't think Love is confusing, rather I think you are confusing love with other things.

    I've been married 23 years I say this, not to brag but maybe I know some things.
    My understanding of love is it is patientent, kind self sacrificing, self controlled, does not demand it's own way, preferres the needs of another etc. Love is a choice, a deliberate act, not a feeling. The love feelings come as a result of acts of love, not the other way round (holywood version). I think that trueth is an essential ingredient to love because hiding the trueth is an attempt to manipulate the response or options of the other person but love would want to give complete freedom for them to choose and that is only possible when they understand the true situation.

    Of course trueth can be used to harm, but I am talking about using the trueth in service to another, it doesn't mean telling everything for the sake of telling or to cause pain. It means truely expressing your inner being so the other can get a truer understanding of who you are.

    Sounds like your marrage has some difficulties as all do to varying degrees but don't think that such differences between you are incompatabilities, rather complements.
    The trick is to work out together how to make your qualities complement each other, her strengths cover your weaknesses etc. The worst is when people are very similar, having the same flaws. That makes the relationship very week and life together difficult to cope with.

    Sounds like you have some things in your upbringing that need some working through so you can be more effective in and enjoy close relationships more. That's OK, that's normal for us all. Maybe some relationship books can help, maybe marriage enrichment course, councelling etc. Your choice if you want.

    Why did it happen? Well maybe because your marriage is difficult you were open to an easier option so let it. If you never acted on this initial attraction, nothing would have happened would it? Remember love is a choice, a deliberate decision.

    I don't know what you believe morally about what you are doing but that aside, think where this is leading. Divorce? How many people have you seen go through that, haw many lives wrecked. People think they will get a new start byt it just never ends
    you never escape the consequences especially if there are children. Surely far better to put everything you got into making the marrage work really well.

    Hmm all sounds a bit dear Abby.... sorry about that, just trying to help.

  7. Apr 13, 2005 #6
    no kids are involved. no I havn't acted on anything that i'm feeling towards this girl. Marrage is very hard and temptation is very strong. I think I know what I must do to overcome this sittuation. Thank you all for you opinion,input,suggestions and help with this dallemia i'm having. -Chad
  8. Apr 13, 2005 #7
    Well I guess love at first sight is possible since there is communication Via "letters" and "E-Mail". You can know one another before seeing each other, but i guess that would be rather love before first sight, unless you need to see if your physically attracted also.
  9. Apr 13, 2005 #8
    there is no love at first sight.

    there is a sort of attraction, maybe not lust, might be attraction to someones personality, or physical appearence (this is not lust).

    You must grow into love, and you can love someone and they never know it.

    Since you have married, you have made a vow to stay with your wife till death do part
  10. Apr 15, 2005 #9


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    Wow, I didn't know people could be categorised so simply.

    If you fell in love with another girl, you fell in love with another girl - or perhaps you didn't. If you cannot tell that you have fallen in love (with the new girl) or out of love (with your old girl), then the only way we can help you is if we DICTATE a definition of love and tell you which signs determin love or non-love status. If you wanted to be told what you should value love to be, I'm sure that many people here would just enjoy telling you what to do.

    Depending on your definition of love of course, you may or may NOT be able to love more than one person.
    How do you determine if it's morally right? Tell us which moral system you intend to use (or the system you think is universally correct), and we can plot the points A to Z for you until the decision can be traced out and we can tell you what to do.
  11. Apr 21, 2005 #10
    I want to throw in my def. of true love.

    I came up with my def. (I just mean that it is the only one that I thought up) of true love, which is " to do all and only what you think is best for your 'loved ones' overall at the farthest you can predict". the part of this def. that I think still needs work is the part that is after "at" is supposed to mean as far into the future that you can see. I came up with the omnipotent version first, which is "to do all and only what is best for your 'loved ones' overall as time approaches infinity".
    I agree that the implementation of love is confusing but this definision of true love is not confusing at all.
  12. Apr 28, 2005 #11
    You may find yourself attracted to many people during the course of your life (I know I have), and you may find many people attracted to you.

    Relationships in life are about making "bonds" and entering into "social contracts" with other people. In some cases you may be able to choose the nature of that bond - the nature of your relationship - the "rules of engagement" if you like. In other cases the rules may be imposed upon you.

    Whatever the source of the rules, you need to accept the responsibility of making the bond, of making the contract, you need to accept the implicit or explicit rules of the relationships you enter into. This is what maturity and responsibility are all about.

    I do not know what the "implicit rules" are of the relationship with your wife - only you know that. Some marriages are open and tolerant of "infidelity", others are not. Only you know about the rules in your marriage.

    Nobody else can tell you what is "right" for you in your present circumstance. Only you can decide that. But IMHO you DO need to decide in the context of the social contracts that you have already either implicitly or explicitly entered into - otherwise you run the risk of betraying not only the people whom you love, but also betraying your own integrity. At the end of the day, you must live with your decisions.

    May your god go with you,

  13. May 2, 2005 #12
    Does not matter though, take refuse in Freud...he is with all the *immoral* guys...
  14. May 12, 2005 #13
    Thank you all for your opinons and comments on this matter! I have been doing an ingrediable amount of thinking about this. Life is just and only a series of experiences that us humans will have and then our life energy is depleted amongst the rest of the universe(IMO) that is! Well.... I'm going to have as many experiences as I possibly can! thank you and I'll see you on or in other posts.
  15. May 15, 2005 #14
    Good luck on your decision. I hope it works out in the best interests of everyone you have involved.
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