Might throw in the towel on my social life

  • Thread starter Edin_Dzeko
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Guys I'm not antisocial or anything. Neither I'm I afraid of people. But I'm in a situation where I have no choice but to just say screw it and stop making friends and stuff like that (not forever though). The problem is, friends want to go out and hangout and invite one another to their party and such. Aside from the kids at my church because I go to church every Sunday and see them, during the days of the week I'm ALWAYS baby sitting (2 and 9 year old) so I'm inside ALL DAY. And my parents wont let me go out. They send me out to the store to buy things or run errands but I cant walk up to dad/mom and say "I'm going to my friend so and so's house" they just wont let me. I'd have to lie that I'm doing something school related to get out the house. But I don't like that.

Even on days when they are not working and they are at home and I'm not baby sitting I can't go out. When I was younger (junior high school) this really used to bother me a lot. But as I got older I got used to it and started to just go along with it and now I don't mind staying at home. In fact there are times I would rather stay home than go out. Ex, we got some serious snow and my neighbor asked if we wanted to have a snowball fight after shoveling. I said naaa and rather opted to stay in to mess around on the internet and catch a soccer match.

So my problem isn't that I can't talk to people. Because I CAN. I've had two girlfriends. And when I went to college I was able to walk up to a girl I found attractive and talk to with no problem. I got a few numbers actually. :smile: . I'm considering being antisocial because I'm sick of friends asking hey wanna hang out and I always have to make up excuses because the idea that an 18 year old's parents wont let him out the house wont sit too easy with my peers. So unless a friend goes to my church where I see them every Sunday then the friendship will be reduced to an over the phone or chatting online type of friendship. I've just had enough of that. I really hurt a female friend of mine last year. She invited me somewhere and I didn't want to tell her that because of my parents I can't come so I had to lie and make it seem as if I have the permission from my parents to go where ever I want I just didn't want to come to the particular event she invited me to. :frown:.

So as you can see, for now I just gotta stay inside and practice the piano, study and work out. And just pray that hopefully by senior year of college my parents allow me a bit more freedom. If not, I guess I have to wait to get a job and work and live on my own to be able to start making friends again and look to pursue romantic relations with the opposite sex. For now I just don't see that working out.

As for my friends I already have, I'm starting to not talk to them as much. Ex, where as before we'd talk all the time and chat, my plan now is to send them a text every now and then asking how they're doing. I don't want to talk to them regularly and hear about them going out to do this or that. That just is like a rub in my face. So I'm done with friends, girls and socializing.

Offer your thoughts and suggestions. Thanks
 

Answers and Replies

  • #2
Evo
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You're 18? You're legally an adult in any country I can think of. What country do you live in? Are you allowing your parents to do this to you because they will cut you off if you try to partake in healthy, positive, relationships with people your age?

We will need more information to understand what has brought you to this point in your life.
 
  • #3
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This post has made me very curious. What is the reason your parents don't allow you to go out socially? And how did you have girlfriends with these restrictions? Could they come over to your house?
 
  • #4
Pengwuino
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Your parents are crazy. You are an adult. Get a job and move out. Being trapped in a house is far worse than having to get a job. It sounds like they're treating you more like a pet than a human.
 
  • #5
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You're 18? You're legally an adult in any country I can think of. What country do you live in? Are you allowing your parents to do this to you because they will cut you off if you try to partake in healthy, positive, relationships with people your age? - evo

I'm in the USA. And yes I'm an adult but I don't believe age is what makes one an adult or a "man". And I'm not the rebellious type to argue or fight with my parents over something like this. I always just go with what they say. I came from another country so I was brought up a bit differently so that ties into it also. It's not that they don't want me to not partake in healthy relationships with me peers. Heck Dad wants me to have a girl in mind for marriage before the age of 30. And he feels that by 25 even if I'm still in school and not married I should at least have someone (dating/courting) that I know after school this is the one I'll marry. In fact he himself made a recommendation for one girl and told me to study her and think about it. This isn't a punishment or anything. My parent's themselves not that they are outcast' but they just don't really like to go out. Aside from work or church they are not the type to say we are going to go visit our friend so and so. But they do have friends. They prefer us all to be together at home eating and watching movies as a fam. So for Thanksgiving we don't go out to our other relatives' house. We stopped that. Just mom, dad, my siblings and I we stay home and everyone tells mom the dish they want and she makes it. We eat and watch movies. And they always tell us concerning friends, "how often do you see us say we're going to friends house?" so they sort of want us to be the same. It's not forced or anything.

We will need more information to understand what has brought you to this point in your life. - evo

Well my whole life since I came to America is pretty much school, come home, church, repeat. After school is done my friendships are also done unless of course my friends are willing to just chat or talk over the phone. If not, it's pretty much bye-bye. Now for my close female friend that I mentioned. I met her at a choir convention. Different choirs from different states. She's in a state not too far from mine. She's in the neighboring state. And the borough that I live in my state is literally just minutes (by car) to get into her state. But like I said because of the strict rule, I can't go and visit. I've never had a best friend before.
 
  • #6
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You're not making any sense. You say you have had girlfriends before but your parents wont let you have a social life? Do you know what a "girlfriend" is or that they require a large social commitment?

It sounds to me like your parents are controlling and just plain nutz. I think its time for you to leave the nest. And why are you babysitting all the time? Is this a job?
 
  • #7
Evo
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They prefer us all to be together at home eating and watching movies as a fam. So for Thanksgiving we don't go out to our other relatives' house. We stopped that. Just mom, dad, my siblings and I we stay home and everyone tells mom the dish they want and she makes it. We eat and watch movies. And they always tell us concerning friends, "how often do you see us say we're going to friends house?" so they sort of want us to be the same. It's not forced or anything.
Do you have relatives nearby that know about this? If you're willing to go along with the mental and emotional issues going on, then why are you posting here? I can only go by what you've said and it sounds very unhealthy where children are concerned.

But like I said because of the strict rule, I can't go and visit. I've never had a best friend before.
Is it a strict rule with repercussions or "it's not forced or anything". Which is it? If you told your parents, "I love you but I'm not going to cut myself off from the world and I'm going to have a normal life outside of the house", what would happen? What is it that you are afraid of that compelled you to ask for help here?

Also, the quote button is in the bottom right hand corner.
 
  • #8
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This post has made me very curious. What is the reason your parents don't allow you to go out socially? And how did you have girlfriends with these restrictions? Could they come over to your house?

Well my first girlfriend attended my church. So I saw her every Sunday when I went to church. Aside from that it was phone or e-mail during the weekday. She was also in the choir which I also am a member so when we had practice during the weekday I would see her. But she cheated. How much can a boyfriend/girlfriend do every Sunday? Plus we're in church so it's hard to do things without feeling guilty. But yeah that ended because of the cheating.

Second girl, met her on Myspace. She was a freshman who was going to start at my high school. Met her like a week before school. Exchanged numbers we met the day we were supposed to pick up our program cards. So we met in person. Just to see how much justice the pics did. Then after that we talked on the phone. And when school started after school we'd hang around school for like 15 mins after school ended and just talk. After I asked her out and we became boyfriend and girlfriend every time she would ask if I want to go with her to this or that I would blow her off and say I'm busy and after about 2 weeks I got a message in my Myspace inbox saying she's breaking up with me :cool:
Parent's didn't know about second girl. But on days where I would be home a little late after school and mom would ask I'd tell her I had to stay back to finish work or do a project. And she was pregnant so she used to go to the hospital at that time so sometimes she wasn't home after school anyway.

eh, I don't even bring guy friends over to my house so imagine the girlfriends :rofl:

I'm not exactly sure the reason they don't let me go out for my own pleasure (hang out with friends or go to parties). It's been about 5 years since I moved into the borough I live in now and aside from my neighborhood I don't know anywhere else in this place.
 
  • #9
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Your parents are crazy. You are an adult. Get a job and move out. Being trapped in a house is far worse than having to get a job. It sounds like they're treating you more like a pet than a human.
Lol. I'm not an adult. lol. You just don't understand.

As for getting a job dad wont let me work. He feel that once you start making money it'll be a distraction to school and you will focus more on the money than school. We've tried summer after summer with mom to convince him but nothing ever changes and so I'm done with trying to get a job right now.
 
  • #10
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Lol. I'm not an adult. lol. .
Agreed.

Are your parents very religious? What country did you come from?
 
  • #11
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You're not making any sense. You say you have had girlfriends before but your parents wont let you have a social life? Do you know what a "girlfriend" is or that they require a large social commitment?

It sounds to me like your parents are controlling and just plain nutz. I think its time for you to leave the nest. And why are you babysitting all the time? Is this a job?
Read the girlfriend explanation in one of my other post on this thread. You'll understand how that worked out.

I'm not saying my parents wont let me have a social life. They put me in a situation where I can't have one. I have a cell phone (an i-phone). It's just that I can't bring friends over, I can't go to see friends, I can't go to parties. The only parties i've been to I went with my parents. It's not what you think. It's a party like let's say someone's 50th birthday then all the kids and adults go. Or a barbercue which both kids and adults go to together. That kind of party. It's not a keg party with beer pong or anything.
And there are friends from church that my parents know I'm friends with. I had two come and visit. But they came with an adult. And my parents were also home. If I say I'm going to go visit my friend they'll ask like "do you see us saying we're going to go visit our friends?" "you don't need that friends friends lifestyle" there's no punishment or anything but their response will make you figure out that the answer is a big NO!

Like I said the way I was raised and due to my beliefs I don't like the idea of just leaving and saying since you wont let me do what I want I'm out of here. That's not good. I'm a kid and I don't know any better. I'm under their guidance at the moment. It's just something I have to bare and deal with. Are my parents controlling? Yes yes they are.

And I'm baby sitting my siblings. Both parents work. And work around the same hours. It's a little sacrifice that I have to pay. Why let my parents pay money for a baby sitter when I'm at home and I can babysit? Get me? I don't see it as a job or really baby sitting. But it's just more like staying at home with my siblings.
 
  • #12
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Agreed.

Are your parents very religious? What country did you come from?
Yes they are and so I'm I. I'm a Christian (Methodist). And I'm African. I'm from a country in West Africa.
 
  • #13
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Do you live in a "bad" neighborhood?
 
  • #14
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Offer your thoughts and suggestions. Thanks
You mentioned church a few times in the thread. Have you thought about talking to the leader of your church? He/she would possibly be in a better position to understand and to help you.
 
  • #15
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Well my first [STRIKE]girlfriend[/STRIKE] time I talked to a girl she attended....
I hate to break this to you but talking to a girl at church or just 15 minutes after school is not a relationship that can be qualified as a "girlfriend". What you have had is just acquaintances, perhaps with some romantic intentions.

I think you should seriously consider stepping out into the world. You've obviously been living in this bubble your parents have created for you. Just talk to them and let them know you're not a pet and need to have a social life if you plan on going anywhere in this world.
 
  • #16
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Do you have relatives nearby that know about this? If you're willing to go along with the mental and emotional issues going on, then why are you posting here? I can only go by what you've said and it sounds very unhealthy where children are concerned.

Is it a strict rule with repercussions or "it's not forced or anything". Which is it? If you told your parents, "I love you but I'm not going to cut myself off from the world and I'm going to have a normal life outside of the house", what would happen? What is it that you are afraid of that compelled you to ask for help here?

Also, the quote button is in the bottom right hand corner.
Oh ok I see. You got it mixed up. I was asking you guys. Because my parents wont let me go and see friends and let them come visit. I feel that it's pointless making friends. So I was asking you guys do you think it's a good idea to stop socializing? Ex, what's the point of making friends if I can't bring 'em home or go hang out with them. As a result I'll stay home all the time and study 'til I'm older. Get it? See how some people don't go out at all and just stay home studying? They don't go out because they choose not to. Ex, if they wanted to go visit a friend or go to a party they just say mom I'm going to my friend so and so's house and mom would say ok. I have a friend in school who says when she went back home from college after the first month her dad said she can now go out and come in at whatever time she wanted because she's an adult now. Whereas with me if I go out and I'm not in by 6 my folks will keep calling and calling and calling. Get it?

This thread isn't that I'm not healthy or I'm abused. No no no. It's not like that at all. It's just I feel like since I can't go visit my friends, go to their parties and stuff they invite me to I just don't think it's even worth it to make and maintain friends anymore. I was just thinking about staying in and studying all day 'til I got older and started living on my own. At that time I can go out and hang out with whoever I please. Get me now? That's what I wanted from you guys. What are you thoughts on that?
 
  • #17
lisab
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What might your parents think if you asked to attend church activities for young adults? Most churches offer clubs, etc.

It would allow you to socialize in an atmosphere your parents find acceptable.
 
  • #18
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Oh ok I see. You got it mixed up. I was asking you guys. Because my parents wont let me go and see friends and let them come visit. I feel that it's pointless making friends. So I was asking you guys do you think it's a good idea to stop socializing? Ex, what's the point of making friends if I can't bring 'em home or go hang out with them. As a result I'll stay home all the time and study 'til I'm older. Get it? See how some people don't go out at all and just stay home studying? They don't go out because they choose not to. Ex, if they wanted to go visit a friend or go to a party they just say mom I'm going to my friend so and so's house and mom would say ok. I have a friend in school who says when she went back home from college after the first month her dad said she can now go out and come in at whatever time she wanted because she's an adult now. Whereas with me if I go out and I'm not in by 6 my folks will keep calling and calling and calling. Get it?

This thread isn't that I'm not healthy or I'm abused. No no no. It's not like that at all. It's just I feel like since I can't go visit my friends, go to their parties and stuff they invite me to I just don't think it's even worth it to make and maintain friends anymore. I was just thinking about staying in and studying all day 'til I got older and started living on my own. At that time I can go out and hang out with whoever I please. Get me now? That's what I wanted from you guys. What are you thoughts on that?
Well, first off, I think StevenB's advice is good. Secondly, maybe there are some college groups or church/charity groups you could join that would give you a means of social interaction. It's obvious you're basically ok with your living situation. The negative reactions you're getting here are probably partly because, from our western cultural perspective, your situation sounds bad. But we are not you, and we do not necessarily understand your culture. I do think, however, "giving up" on social interaction is a bad idea. Ultimately, you will not have your parents to take care of you and make all your decisions for you forever. Part of learning how to live in the world means learning how to interact with people.
It might be a good idea to have a frank discussion with your parents, since reading between the lines, although you're not devastated by the situation, you are frustrated. Perhaps if you understood their motivations better, it would help inform your decisions. It sounds like you are not totally clear on why they have these rules.
 
  • #19
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Do you live in a "bad" neighborhood?
that's why we moved here in the first place. In our old house I understood not going out. But here where it's supposedly much "safer" they're still the same. That's why I brought up the baby sitting because I feel that maybe that's why. If it was just my older brother and I then maybe they might be a bit different with the issue.
 
  • #20
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What might your parents think if you asked to attend church activities for young adults? Most churches offer clubs, etc.

It would allow you to socialize in an atmosphere your parents find acceptable.
I live far from the church. The youth in my church have a bad reputation so dad doesn't even want me to join it. They don't do much activities in my church for young adults (don't remember the last time they did anything to tell you the truth). But like I said I'm in the choir and we go to a convention EVERY YEAR and I've gotten quite a handful of numbers from female teenage choiristers. Those kind of girls they live in another state so there's no pressure as to "let's go hang out" or "lets meet up here for this or that". we can keep the friendship over the phone or through e-mail until we meet again the following year.
 
  • #21
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Well, first off, I think StevenB's advice is good. Secondly, maybe there are some college groups or church/charity groups you could join that would give you a means of social interaction. It's obvious you're basically ok with your living situation. The negative reactions you're getting here are probably partly because, from our western cultural perspective, your situation sounds bad. But we are not you, and we do not necessarily understand your culture. I do think, however, "giving up" on social interaction is a bad idea. Ultimately, you will not have your parents to take care of you and make all your decisions for you forever. Part of learning how to live in the world means learning how to interact with people.
It might be a good idea to have a frank discussion with your parents, since reading between the lines, although you're not devastated by the situation, you are frustrated. Perhaps if you understood their motivations better, it would help inform your decisions. It sounds like you are not totally clear on why they have these rules.
now we are getting somewhere. That's the kind of thoughts I wanted to hear from you guys.
You say that it'll be a bad idea to give up social interaction but I feel like having a friendship is pointless because they are always asking to hang out or meet up or come to a party or this or that. And I'm tired of disappointing them. I've come to accept not going out much and staying in most of the time. But it's when I make friends and they ask for us to meet or hang out and I'm always turning them down and they're asking why don't you ever hang out with us. that's what creates the problem and led to me making this thread.

For instance I have a female friend I'm really close with. Though she tries to brush it off she's made it quite obvious she'd like to see me again soon. After we met and I got her number we haven't seen each other again since (she lives in another state just minutes away). It's been about 3-5 years since we saw each other physically. Skype and sending picture back and forth did gave us a little grace. At the moment if she invites me somewhere I'll have to turn her down and I don't want her to know that it's because of my parents. So I'll have to make up a bunch of baloney. I don't want her to ask me to like some gathering or event and I have to keep lying and turning her down. You get me? I feel like it's pointless and what girl our age would be just interested in keeping her relationship with someone just over the phone? Especially since it's possible to see each other. It's not like we live in different countries. We are just separated by a bridge/tunnel. There's a public transit bus that goes from my state to hers. Get it?

Just tired of hearing the "how come you never go out?" "why didn't you come to so and so's party" and I don't want to say my parents would let me come would get laughed at. I'm fine now with not going out. Like I said I have enough entertainment to satisfy myself at home but it's the friends I make that make me feel bad for not going out. I don't want to hear about some party that I couldn't go to or be given a hard time for not coming to some event. If I weren't friends with anyone or kept to myself that wouldn't be a problem. No friends to tell me I never come out and I'm inside all day. Get me now?
 
  • #22
Pengwuino
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Lol. I'm not an adult. lol. You just don't understand.
You're right, you're not an adult. And you will never be an adult. Your parents control your life and will continue to do so after college. As said before, those weren't girlfriends either. You don't have a social life. You're 100% heading down the path of being alone the rest of your life at home until your parents pass away and then you won't know what to do with your life.

You're saying a bunch of nonsensical such as

I'm not saying my parents wont let me have a social life. They put me in a situation where I can't have one.
That's like saying "It's not that being in a federal penitentiary is preventing me from traveling the world, it's just put me in a situation where i can't". And just so you know, these girls who you meet with once a year or whatever, they most likely have actual boyfriends at home and your friendship is meaningless to them.

Go out and have an actual life. Remember, being a shut in that does nothing for the rest of his life and going out and playing beer pong and getting blackout drunk nightly with people are the extremes in life. There's a whole universe in between.
 
  • #23
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Go out and have an actual life. Remember, being a shut in that does nothing for the rest of his life and going out and playing beer pong and getting blackout drunk nightly with people are the extremes in life. There's a whole universe in between.

I get what you're saying. But also try and understand me to some extent. What about kids who CHOOSE NOT to go outside? They are antisocial because nothing interest them and all they care about is school work? They feel there will be time for socializing later on in life. When there have their respective titles in their field of choice? That's something similar to what I'm trying to aim for now. Just focus on school and stay home.
 
  • #24
Pengwuino
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I get what you're saying. But also try and understand me to some extent. What about kids who CHOOSE NOT to go outside? They are antisocial because nothing interest them and all they care about is school work? They feel there will be time for socializing later on in life. When there have their respective titles in their field of choice? That's something similar to what I'm trying to aim for now. Just focus on school and stay home.
Nope. Doesn't happen. People who do something for 30-40 years (in this case, not be social) don't really decide to all of a sudden do a 180 on command. You don't even know HOW to socialize, so when you have your career going, you won't be able to anyways.

Oh and by the way, once you have a career, you're gonna decide "once I'm retired, I'll start socializing". Then, well, no. If you end up having kids and actually do get married, don't even try to fool yourself that you'll have a social life at that point either.

And keep in mind, very very very few people who have 0 social skills get anywhere in their fields unless they have incredible talent.
 
  • #25
Evo
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I get what you're saying. But also try and understand me to some extent. What about kids who CHOOSE NOT to go outside? They are antisocial because nothing interest them and all they care about is school work? They feel there will be time for socializing later on in life. When there have their respective titles in their field of choice? That's something similar to what I'm trying to aim for now. Just focus on school and stay home.
Then why are you on here? You've decided that you're ok staying at home and not socializing. You've said you aren't willing to change anything. You're done, you've answered your own question.
 

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