I'm 25. I can't speak english very well but i will try to explain my problem. When i started high school i met a very charismatic teacher that initiated me to philosophy. Before that time i didint' have any self-consciousness. I was spontaneous, stupid, but i was united to myself. And for the first time i fell in love. With my teacher. And i promised to myself that i would have become the best student of philosophy in order to conquer my teacher. I managed to reach both things. I became the best student of philosophy in my school and after three years my teacher told me that he fell in love with me. But he was married and our relation ended up disastrously. And the relation with this man only destroyed me and pushed me towards thinking that sex is something dirty. I don't know why. When i started reading and studying philosophy, and most of all, 'thinking' for the first time, my self-consciousness suddenly emerged, and my whole existence split in two, me, and myself consciousness of me. It's hard to explain.. It is something like Dionisus watching for the first time in the mirror. Life suddenly dies. Thinking gradually erodes life at the point of creating huge fears that i would'nt even have thought existed few years before. It's like a form of paranoia that sometimes can be experienced by smoking weed. Well, after all of this i started to escape my fears by searching for crazy people that i thought kept intact that original unity that i couldn't find anymore inside me.. I started a relation with a crazy guy. Actually now i don't know if his crazy or not, but everyone keeps asking me why i am dating a crazy person. And now if i leave him i think he could explode in crazyness. And it's too many years i'm running behind crazyness, alcohol, drugs. Anything that let's me forget rationality, self-consciousness, mind. But i'm starting to realize that all this period, a part from loosing a lot of time of my life, i didn't resolve any of my fears. I didn't resolve my problem with my mind, i don't know anymore what's the meaning of my life, maybe i'm becoming crazy, and i lost all my friends that got scared of my strange and quite extreme behaviour. And now i'm so used of getting around with crazy people that i can't manage to stay anymore with normal people. And now i have a degree in philosophy but i hate philosophy. I have this guy which asked me to marry but i don't know if i want to marry him. I can't decide if i believe in God or not. I can't decide what to do in m life. I'm stuck in this situation. I want to be in peace with my mind.