Girl Problems: Dealing With Unrequited Love at 18

[Physics is Phun]

there's this girl that I've know for a while now, not well until recently, we just stated talking again several weeks ago and it turns out we have just about everything in common. at first I just thought I had a crush on her cause she's quite pretty, but I know now after talking a lot that I really like her. The thing is I really don't think she likes me that way. We're great friends but I think that's all it is on her side. The other day I went over (20 minutes late because I know she wouldn't be ready) and she answers the door in nothing but a towel. I would think that if she had any sort of boyfriend interest in me she would have atleast had a bit more modesty. Now I'm not really sure she had any choice because she had to take care of her baby brother cause her dad was late getting home. But still, she felt absolutely no akwardness about it.
I didn't think I was going to have to deal with this ever because she had a serious boyfriend until last week (followed by calling me and crying) Now I don't know what to do. I don't know what good telling her would do if she only sees me as a friend, but I also don't want to do nothing because someone else will be going out with her in no time. (despite her saying she is done with relationships for now)
OMG, I don't know what to do. If I tell her things will probably get really akward, but if I wait and she gets a new boyfriend thing will get akward anyways (for me) and i'll probably stop calling her.

We are both 18, I am a complete newb to the dating/relationship/sex world while she is a seasoned pro. That just make this whole situation all the more intimidating.

ARGGG, just shoot me now!

 

[Evo]

Oh no, her having just broken up with someone is not good, although why they broke up and how she felt about it could be good or bad depending on if he broke up with her or she with him, etc...

I'm working right now, but I'm sure you'll be getting lots of feedback. I feel for you.

 

[Mattius_]

If she is just getting out of a serious relationship, then you should stay away for a while, and try not to be the shoulder to lean on. In all honesty though, when she isn't so fragile, you have to tell her the truth. If you dont, you will forever be the crying shoulder. Also, don't worry about your experience, every guy has a little don juan in him, you just have to bring it out in you and take care of her. YOU ARE A LION, ROAAARRRRR. :tongue2:

 

[Physics is Phun]

Well, she's getting out of what she thought was a serious relationship, (only two months, but we're 18/19 so that's a long time) but the guy wasn't apparently looking for one, so that's why they broke up. It wasn't mutual, he broke up with her, in an extremely assholish manner.

 

[DaveC426913]

If she answered the door in nothing but a towel, then she is either:

- stupid
- a tease
- interested in you

Ideally, you can rule out #1.

If #2, that actually means she is at least somewhat interested - and wondering what you'll do.

Whether #2 or #3, it is your obligation to find out.

BTW, some people don't know what they want, or don't like to be forward about it. She may not express interest unless you show interest in her.

Again, your obligation to find out.


As far as what you do - don't tell her, show her. Ask her out to a movie. Telling her how you feel means you want her approval to show romantic interest. Taking action means you know what you want. Girls dig confidence.

 

[Physics is Phun]

ah, but you're forgetting #4, she only thinks of me as one of her girlfriends, and is therefore completely comfortable wearing a towel around me.

and since we're already friends, how do I show her I like her. Ideally, if I did that, she would be into it, but more than likely she would just be like, WTF are you doing...leading back to the akwardness.

We've already gone out and done things, we watch movies together at our houses, went to dinner, went to the park (although not alone) and once we just hung out for hours at her place talking.

she calls me a couple times a week, the last few times have been to vent about her ex.
I don't really call her much, cause I don't know how to act, cause I don't know what to do! :tongue2:
Ok, so basically I need to find a way to tell her without actually telling her. Piece of cake

She also says stuff like "omg I love you" every once in a while if I say something nice or funny. Now, would she be saying that to someone who she had any romantic interest in?... I doubt it.

 

[Physics is Phun]

ah wonderful, despite her "wanting to be single for a while" I just found out that she has a crush on this new guy. and he happens to be a firefighter in training which means he's bigger and better than me...ter-censored-rific.

 

[Evo]

ah wonderful, despite her "wanting to be single for a while" I just found out that she has a crush on this new guy. and he happens to be a firefighter in training which means he's bigger and better than me...ter-censored-rific.

I go for the smarter, nicer guy. Hey, hang in there, things change, but don't wait around for her. Sounds like you've got a good head on your shoulders.

 

[Physics is Phun]

ya! thanks evo! firefighter in training? pff, I'm an engineer in training! take that!

 

[Physics is Phun]

but still, GAH!

 

[GCT]

As far as what you do - don't tell her, show her. Ask her out to a movie. Telling her how you feel means you want her approval to show romantic interest. Taking action means you know what you want. Girls dig confidence.

Dave has a good point. Although, the question is on whether you value the friendship more, being attracted to a friend is always awkward, I think I've read somewhere that men and women can't be friends without such awkward moments at some point where one of them are attacted to the other, or mutually; that is men and women can't be close friends in the long run (not my opinion, just referring to an article I've read, I think, in Reader's Digest) either they'll lose the friendship simply out of a lack of interest or things can get somewhat awkward as you've mentioned. You can either make your feelings known, which might ruin the friendship, but it may be far better than letting it perish slowly (as you've mentioned, by her attraction to the "bigger and better" man).

In contrast, you've got to also consider her point of view, she may not be interested in a long term relationship at the moment, especially after her breakup, she may be simply searching for something more instant . Anyways, I wouldn't ask her at the moment, build the relationship further and in the meanwhile find ways so that she has you on her mind, that is catch her attention, try to delve into what you think that she is needing at the time; a bit of fun and humor, seriousness, women go through these mood swings, you'll just have to be smart and find ways to be there at the right time and fulfill them inexplicitly. This way, she won't forget about you, and when the time arrives when she's seeking a long term relationship, you'll be in her mind. That is, as long as you maintain the friendship, you'll eventually have the chance.

Of course, none of this applies if you're not that serious about her. I'm sure you have enough fluid intelligence to do the right thing, to know what you want, and to achieve and maintain your desire. I'm slipping into a delusion here, so I'm going to stop...:uhh:

just call me the love doctor:rofl:

 

[DaveC426913]

ah, but you're forgetting #4, she only thinks of me as one of her girlfriends, and is therefore completely comfortable wearing a towel around me.

No. I'm not. That's #2 disguised as a fourth option.

That is, unless she sincerely thinks you are attracted to men. This is the only conceivable case where there is a #4. And since we know you do fancy her, she is mistaken in her belief, and you need to correct her.

 

[zoobyshoe]

I'm becoming convinced that when things are murky and unclear between two people there's no hope.

 

[Evo]

If you are in a "friendly" relationship with a girl, and you want to be more than friends, if you ask her out MAKE SURE SHE KNOWS IT IS A DATE. Otherwise, she'll just think you are going out as friends.

I was in this situation once with a guy I only thought of as a friend. He asked me to go out to eat. I thought it was just as friends, he thought it was a date. To keep a long story short, I had to cancel at the last minute, he didn't get my message, he was devastated and commited suicide two days later, which his family and friends said was because of me. Seemed I was the only one that didn't know he thought he was in love with me.

 

[-Job-]

Maybe we should get a bet going. IMO Odds of it happening are 1 out of 6.
$2 says it's not going to happen.
Evo brings up a good point. Suicide of the person in question is equivalent to it "not happening", no party will be allowed to recall the bet after it has been placed.

 

[zoobyshoe]

If you are in a "friendly" relationship with a girl, and you want to be more than friends, if you ask her out MAKE SURE SHE KNOWS IT IS A DATE. Otherwise, she'll just think you are going out as friends.

I was in this situation once with a guy I only thought of as a friend. He asked me to go out to eat. I thought it was just as friends, he thought it was a date. To keep a long story short, I had to cancel at the last minute, he didn't get my message, he was devastated and commited suicide two days later, which his family and friends said was because of me. Seemed I was the only one that didn't know he thought he was in love with me.

This is tragic, but just to clarify: even if you had known and stood him up at the last minute it doesn't somehow explain him killing himself. This guy was obviously a severely depressed person to begin with and nearly any disapointment could have set him off.

 

[Evo]

This is tragic, but just to clarify: even if you had known and stood him up at the last minute it doesn't somehow explain him killing himself. This guy was obviously a severely depressed person to begin with and nearly any disapointment could have set him off.

Yes, of course his family, in their grief, didn't see it that way.

 

[BobG]

Dave has a good point. Although, the question is on whether you value the friendship more, being attracted to a friend is always awkward, I think I've read somewhere that men and women can't be friends without such awkward moments at some point where one of them are attacted to the other, or mutually; that is men and women can't be close friends in the long run (not my opinion, just referring to an article I've read, I think, in Reader's Digest) either they'll lose the friendship simply out of a lack of interest or things can get somewhat awkward as you've mentioned. You can either make your feelings known, which might ruin the friendship, but it may be far better than letting it perish slowly (as you've mentioned, by her attraction to the "bigger and better" man).

I saw the same thing, except I think it was in "Sally met Harry" instead of Reader's Digest. :rofl:

Hmmm. It is always awkward being attracted to a friend since making a dork of yourself in front of a friend is always more embarrassing long term than humiliating yourself in front of someone you never have to talk to again if things go badly.

The flip side is that it probably would be good to be friends with someone you're going to spend the rest of your life with. You can date people randomly, hope a romantic spark develops, and hope the romantic spark eventually develops into a friendship, as well - or you can date people that you're already half way there with and hope a romantic spark develops, as well.

 

[zoobyshoe]

The flip side is that it probably would be good to be friends with someone you're going to spend the rest of your life with. You can date people randomly, hope a romantic spark develops, and hope the romantic spark eventually develops into a friendship, as well - or you can date people that you're already half way there with and hope a romantic spark develops, as well.

I can't imagine a long term relationship or marriage with someone I'm not primarily friends with. The romantic spark comes and goes and is never constant. A deep kind of friendship seems to me the only sort of thing that could keep two people glued together for any amount of time.

 

[Physics is Phun]

lol, thanks for the hopeful thinking
Well, the old boyfriend and I had a nice little swearing match with each other, that probably wasn't such a good idea. But that's over and done with. thank god he lives a thousand miles away.

Ok, so I'm going to have to tell her eventually, cause I want to either be with her, or just a casual friend, not a close friend, I can't handle that for a long period of time. I don't think anyways. But I think I should wait a bit, especially since it would make the ex right about me wanting to steal his Gf if I said anything too soon. Ok, so I'm just going to have to do some things with her alone. But I don't know how to act, cause I don't want to hit on her, but I don't want to be too open and super caring either.

UHG, this is so hard to figure out.

 

[Astronuc]

ah wonderful, despite her "wanting to be single for a while" I just found out that she has a crush on this new guy. and he happens to be a firefighter in training which means he's bigger and better than me...

Based on that and the fact that she just got out of a relationship, I would recommend taking a step back.

It seems you are infatuated, but based on her behavior, it doesn't sound promising.

Is this girl intelligent? Can you talk with her about intellectual subjects as well as fun stuff? What are her aspirations? Is she planning on graduate school?

 

[JasonRox]

UHG, this is so hard to figure out.

There is nothing to figure out. Tell her you like her, and that's that.

She might like you, but you might not be showing any interests... since you are not hitting on her. If she thinks you aren't interested, she isn't going to wait around for you. She will just find someone who is interested.

 

[Physics is Phun]

well, at first I just though it was just how she looked, but she's so nice and sweet and we have lots to talk about all the time.

Can I be seriously interested and infatuated with someone at the same time?
and yes, she is going to school in the fall acutally, and moving far away. I guess this is also something I should consider.

 

[JasonRox]

well, at first I just though it was just how she looked, but she's so nice and sweet and we have lots to talk about all the time.

Can I be seriously interested and infatuated with someone at the same time?
and yes, she is going to school in the fall acutally, and moving far away. I guess this is also something I should consider.

Nothing wrong about having some summer romance.

 

[G01]

Yeah, you'll probably be better off if she was just a friend considering she's moving and you seem like you may be looking for something longer than a couple months.

 

[Physics is Phun]

AHHHH (smashes head on keyboard)

 

[rocketboy]

Hey man,

I would say if she is in a fragile state at the moment don't try to step in and try to replace her ex. In my experience a fragile girl doesn't want/need a new bf, they need a close friend (such as which has been discussed in this thread). But you don't want to be this close friend, because it will remain that way (also been said). My friend is really close friends with a lot of girls at school, but he is never more than close friends with these girls for this reason. He really liked one girl who he was really close friends with...but because of his situation she never thought of him the same way. You mentioned the towel thing...well this friend of mine slept over at this girls house once, she was completely compfortable wearing her undergarments (not much) and sleeping in the same bed with him. Why? Because he's her close friend, and she "knew" that he wasn't looking for a relationship. (In other words, she felt she could trust him not to pull any moves/be a guy)

So my advice is to back off a little bit...don't ignore her, don't cut off all communications with her...but don't be that close reliable "never more than friends" friend. When she's back to her "unfragile" state, then you can step up to the plate and tell her how you feel. Don't be afraid to strike out, it's part of the game.

oh, and best of luck to you bro!

 

[Moonbear]

Okay, I don't know if she's interested in a relationship, or is just on the rebound (probably on the rebound given the timing of everything), but either way, 18 year-old women do not answer the door in just a towel unless they are coming onto a guy. If she was just interested in you as a friend, she'd have grabbed a pair of sweats and tossed them on and not cared that she looked like crap...a towel is a whole different kettle of fish!

However, she IS on the rebound. It's really unlikely anything lasting would come out of starting up a relationship right now. Give her time to get over the break-up.

 

[Astronuc]

Can I be seriously interested and infatuated with someone at the same time?

Yes, that is possible. Give yourself a few months, or a year, and see if you are still infatuated, or rather if you still have strong feelings with regard to this woman.

Infatuation is generally transient, it diminishes with time. The romance of a real love, lasts a long time, possibly indefinitely.

In the meantime, what do expect from a relationship with this woman? What do you have to offer her in a relationship?

Rocketboy and Moonbear make good points, and in particular, it's generally not a good idea to start a relationship with someone 'on the rebound'. She might have unrealistic expectations for a 'knight in shining armour' and even if things work out, she might become a bit disappointed later on.

For now, just be friends.

 

[Physics is Phun]

ahh wonderful, the boyfriend is trying to make ammends. If they end up back together (20-30 % chance I'd say) then this is just over... especially after mine and his little pow wow.

 

[Astronuc]

ahh wonderful, the boyfriend is trying to make ammends. If they end up back together (20-30 % chance I'd say) then this is just over... especially after mine and his little pow wow.

Well, given the other part

. . . . the guy wasn't apparently looking for one, so that's why they broke up. It wasn't mutual, he broke up with her, in an extremely ***holish manner.

If she decides to re-establish this relationship - all the more reason to step back and remain friends. If she does 'take this guy back' :yuck: , I would seriously wonder about her judgement.

 

[JasonRox]

I would say don't wait, and just go for it. If it's meant to be, then it is meant to be. You can't strategize your way to a great relationship. It just happens.

I'm in a great long-term relationship right now where I got by girlfriend a month after her last boyfriend.

 

[kmarinas86]

If you are looking for miss perfect, try being mister perfect. Perfection is not an achievement, it's something you do. Also, I think in most cases, the awkwardness also stems from the permanance of marriage, and therefore the emphasis on having an ideal partner, the following is what my priest had to say about this:

Your Ideal Partner
Let's completely wring the neck of an illusion that poisons
your existence, that of the ideal partner.
The word ideal contains the word idea , that is to say the
idea you have of the partner in question. If it is an idea, it is
not absolute truth.
Where does this idea come from? If you look carefully, you
will find a long trail leading right to your childhood. As a
child, the concept of the ideal partner might have come from
your mother or father. Some little girls dream that the man
for them will look like their father whom they admire; some
little boys dream that they will defend their mothers for as
long as they live. Then you grew up, and started reading.
Remember Prince Charming with his bravery, fearing
nothing and without blemish, or the princess with long hair,
whose long eyelashes shaded her huge eyes? Gradually you
might have started dreaming that you were these heroes of
your childhood and you would give the kiss that would wake
up the princess, and she would fall in your arms, reassured
and grateful, and you would whisk her away on your steed, as
a knight in shining armour.
Such images, or ones like it would have been imprinted in
you. Then with time, other heroes, other models would fol-
low, models you admired, a singer, a tennis player, a dancer,
or an actor.
Then you continued to modify that for one reason or ano-
ther, perhaps as a reaction to something, and gradually you
built up an ideal model in your head.
Then the time for the real thing came along, and it was no
longer in front of photos! It was a real life adventure. Perhaps
you were a bit shy the first time. That is the case for most ado-
lescents, especially boys. 95% of people are very shy. Some are
even more timid than that and say, Tomorrow I will
approach her, for sure, I will dare . And then when they are
in front of her, or him, they blush all over and give up
without having dared to say anything. I can't believe it, how
come I wasn't able to? This goes on for months, even years
for some people. They get spots and think that is the reason
why they can't succeed. So they plaster them with cream. We
all went through that!
As we get older, we no longer need cream because we have
a beard to hide them instead, but we boys often remain shy!
And one day, you meet your ideal partner, just the type that
you have in mind. All you can think about is them, but they
reject you. What a humiliation. So you decide this can't be
your ideal type any more and you change your criteria again.
So with each successive dream, success or failure, you cor-
rected and tweaked your internal model. And gradually with
time, you construct an ideal type in your memory, which as
you now understand, is an accumulation of everyone you
knew and all your hopes, and generally it ends up correspon-
ding to the first partner with whom you had a successful
sexual relationship. For the rest of our lives we end up chasing
that same type of man or woman.
You can see for yourself by going over your sexual career, if
I can call it that, and you'll find that all your partners follow
approximately the same pattern, with a few exceptions that
are often a reaction to a disappointment. Both woman and
man alike, we were so imprinted by our first experience with
our first love, that we chase after that same type all our lives.
In fact, nothing can be more stupid! We shall demonstrate
this with a fun calculation.
There are four and a half billion humans on Earth this
number will have surely changed in the few moments since I
just said it since there are over three births per second. Let us
remove half, which leaves about two billion and a half remai-
ning of your complementary sex. I don't say opposite sex,
because man and woman are not opposite, they are comple-
mentary!
So that leaves us two and a half billion people of the com-
plementary sex to you in the world today. If we subtract the
very young and very old, that leaves one and a half billion
people available for a loving relationship.
Lets remain in the French speaking part of the planet, let's
say seventy million. Next we remove all those in a different
social category from you, whom you will probably never have
the opportunity of meeting. Thinking big, this leaves about
ten million complementary people.
Lets keep on narrowing it down by dividing that into
regions. That gives one million potential partners in your
region. Take away those with different tastes from you and
who don't fit exactly with your type, we divide by ten. That
leaves one hundred thousand possible partners.
Lets narrow it down even more. Why? Because they have
their own ideals, and because of their racism, religious fanati-
cism or hate of sects, they will reject you. So let's divide by ten
again, which gives ten thousand possible partners!
So in your region, there are ten thousand possible partners
who potentially correspond to your tastes and to the ideal
that you have built up. And still you feel sorry for yourselves
because you think there is only one ideal partner for you?
Of course this is just an arbitrary calculation, but can show
you what possibilities are within your reach. If you wanted to
be even more selective, we could say that there are at least 500
ideal partners for you. That means 500 ideal partners who
correspond to exactly what you are hoping for.
Isn't it wonderful to think of this number when you feel a
bit alone? That means there are presently 500 people who are
dying to know you. So go for it, if your dream is to have a
loving relationship or to form a couple.
It goes without saying you will need to make an effort,
because if you stay at home thinking I will never succeed, I
am too shy and inhibited, then nothing will happen, that's
for sure!
The more you meet others and communicate, the more you
will become enriched and the more chances you will have of
meeting your ideal partner. You have to dare to smile, to dare
look at the person you are meeting.
Everyone has had the experience of suddenly feeling as if
something special happened upon meeting someone. Some
call this love at first sight. Suddenly, just from a look, or tou-
ching hands, something unexplainable happens, something
fantastic. And then we are hooked! We are in love just from
passing someone in the street. Sometimes we don't even dare
to speak to them for fear of ruining it. Rather than risking it,
we prefer to keep on dreaming.
But dare, dare to go further. What's the worst that can hap-
pen? That you might realize that the other person is the ideal
partner for you? No problem, there are still 499 remaining.
So each time you meet someone, dare to look at him or her,
whoever they are. Look at them as if they were the most
important person in your whole life.
The same applies to your professional life. Tell yourself:
This might be the person with whom I might make a
million .
And each time you meet someone you like, imagine they
might be the ideal partner you have been waiting for. This
will produce an intensity in your relationships that will make
it wonderful, whether it leads to something or not. It would
be so terrible to think that this could have been the one, but
it didn't happen because you didn't give the best of yourself.
Make sure all your assets are working for you right from the
start. Don't be afraid to approach people; be enterprising, be
aggressive. The meaning of aggressive was originally to go
towards others. We can go towards people negatively, that is
to say violently, or towards them positively, that is to say to
approach them. So dare!
And from now on, each time you meet someone, be aware
how they are a universe just like you. Go towards him, and
think how it is the most beautiful moment of your life,
because the most beautiful moment is always the one we are
just initiating, which will prepare the one that follows.

 

[franznietzsche]

ahh wonderful, the boyfriend is trying to make ammends. If they end up back together (20-30 % chance I'd say) then this is just over... especially after mine and his little pow wow.

It was over from the beginning. It was over before it started. I'm sorry to be the only person here willing to state the cold hard reality (not sorry to be stating it, just sorry that no one else will) but it was over from the moment she was coming to you with her relationship problems.

 

[FredGarvin]

Dude...if you have to work this hard to get to even first base, I agree with Franz...you lost the battle before it even began. It should never be this difficult. If it is, then something is wrong.