Girl Problems: Dealing With Unrequited Love at 18

[Physics is Phun]

:grumpy: no, emoticon, to express, what I'm feeling.

Well this is over. They're back together. She want's to be good friends, but I don't know If I can take that, I guess I'll find out.
Thank god it's only my birthday today...

 

[Astronuc]

no, emoticon, to express, what I'm feeling.

I think I have just the appropriate emoticon for the moment.

Thank god it's only my birthday today...

Happy Birthday!

 

[Physics is Phun]

haha, perfect! but it needs a girl smiley on top of the wall pouring acid on the other.

thanks Astronuc *grumble*

 

[Astronuc]

Nah, you'll survive. Just learn from the experience, don't dwell on the loss, and don't harbor ill feelings.

Best just to stay friends for now.

At 18, be patient - you still have many years ahead.

Realize that this woman is who she is and leave it at that.

 

[stunner5000pt]

first try dating a girl who you arent so strongly attracted to, and see how you behave with her.

once u get the feel of that then try the bigger fish

 

[franznietzsche]

:grumpy: no, emoticon, to express, what I'm feeling.

Well this is over. They're back together. She want's to be good friends, but I don't know If I can take that, I guess I'll find out.
Thank god it's only my birthday today...

Just say Next! and move on. Its best for everyone involved that way.

 

[zoobyshoe]

That means 500 ideal partners who
correspond to exactly what you are hoping for.
Isn't it wonderful to think of this number when you feel a
bit alone? That means there are presently 500 people who are
dying to know you. So go for it, if your dream is to have a
loving relationship or to form a couple.

This is frickin' incredible. There's only one way to decide: I'm going to have to take all 500 for a test drive.

 

[Physics is Phun]

Well, instead of spending less time with her, I have spent practically the whole weekend with her So we got to talking about ghosts stories and spirits and such, and decided once we got back to her place she would, read my tarot card. :rofl: So whatever, I go along with it, it'll be fun I say. Plus it'll prove to me that tarot cards are crap, when she wrongfully predicts my inner feelings and secrets or whatever :tongue2:

Well...diiidn't quite go that way. at all! after sitting there and shuffling for a while she lays them out and (quite accurately) describes the circumstances in which we met, and to me, vividly decribed my and her's relationship So, I just sit there trying to put on my best puzzled/bewildered/composed face, but man, that just freaked me right out LIKE WTF?? that was just insane. I sat there watching her the whole time waiting for/fearing the moment when she might comprehend. But it never came, if it did, she hides it well.
Holy crap though, that was insane I didn't believe in that stuff and still don't, but what the hell! That was just freaking weird

 

[DaveC426913]

"...vividly decribed my and her's relationship So, I just sit there trying to put on my best puzzled/bewildered/composed face, but man, that just freaked me right out ..."

What does she need to do? Whack you on the head with a club and drag you to her cave?

She's waiting for you to make a move.

 

[DaveC426913]

Oh, one caveat:

This may actually succeed. You might actually make the connection you're looking for.

But be aware, she may be rebounding. She might just use you - and blow you off afterwards.

Just something to keep in mind.

 

[Physics is Phun]

"...vividly decribed my and her's relationship So, I just sit there trying to put on my best puzzled/bewildered/composed face, but man, that just freaked me right out ..."

What does she need to do? Whack you on the head with a club and drag you to her cave?

She's waiting for you to make a move.

yeah... I had thought of that... I'm so confused
She IS back with her boyfriend though... but he's far away at school... for the moment.

 

[arildno]

Ok, suppose she did go back to her boyfriend, but was disappointed with him (again) and it has become clear to her that she'd rather spend her time with you instead?

Perhaps you've shown her what a nice guy you are.

 

[Astronuc]

So, I just sit there trying to put on my best puzzled/bewildered/composed face, but man, that just freaked me right out

Practice being nonchalant!

On the other hand -

You could tell her what you really feel, but that you know she is involved with someone else. Then tell her that you'll be around.

Basically, she needs to figure out where she is, and all you can do is wait.

Meanwhile, just do your thing and be yourself.

 

[Physics is Phun]

Practice being nonchalant!

elaborate... please and thankyou.

 

[Astronuc]

The being nonchalant part was tongue-in-cheek, but basically be cool about your relationship with this woman. I don't mean be detached. I mean you need to be honest and forthright with each other - that has always been my approach.


It's hard to elaborate without knowing you or this woman.

But basically, you need to decide what it is you want in a relationship with this woman. Where do you see a relationship with her going? Do you share the same values?

She's in a relationship with someone else. She needs to decide where she is and what she wants. For what is she looking in a relationship?

At some point, a long-term relationship (possibly marriage) only works of both want the same thing! Relationships only succeed in mutuality and reciprocity.


I dated a woman until I found out she was married. She was separated, and thinking about a divorce, but she wanted to make her marriage work.

I told her that I'd be around and that I was not interested in looking elsewhere. She appreciated that. Meanwhile, I pursued my academic work and would occasionally check in with her to see how things were going.

After a few years of waiting and not looking (although there were a few women who expressed interest in me), I just happen to meet a really nice woman whom I ended up marrying.

 

[Physics is Phun]

Uhg, I don' know. I just want to be with her. Preferably in a romantic capacity but also willing to be friends for the time being.

That opinion might change though when her "boyfriend" comes home for the summer. I just have to find out somehow if she's interested in me cause we've gotten really close over the last few days and if she is interested I think we could have something really good.

I also have this other nosey friend that keeps asking me if I like her or not. She is both her and my friend though, so I can't be certain if her motives for asking me are just curiosity, or perhaps the other girl asked her to ask me, or maybe she just wants juicy gossip or something to blackmail me with (she is kind of a meddler)

ohhh, I just don't know.

 

[arildno]

Actually, I think it is time for you to play with your cards open now.
Tell herself what you feel about her, don't do it through Miss Matchmaker.

 

[Astronuc]

Uhg, I don' know. I just want to be with her. Preferably in a romantic capacity but also willing to be friends for the time being.

That opinion might change though when her "boyfriend" comes home for the summer. I just have to find out somehow if she's interested in me cause we've gotten really close over the last few days and if she is interested I think we could have something really good.

I also have this other nosey friend that keeps asking me if I like her or not. She is both her and my friend though, so I can't be certain if her motives for asking me are just curiosity, or perhaps the other girl asked her to ask me, or maybe she just wants juicy gossip or something to blackmail me with (she is kind of a meddler)

ohhh, I just don't know.

For now, don't discuss this matter with the third party (your mutual friend)!

Well, if I were in your shoes, which I am not, I would just tell this woman in whom you are interested exactly how I feel (but that's me), and let the chips fall where they may.

I never liked the games people play. I was always direct and straightforward, and I prefer to be treated that way myself.

It seems the problem most people, men and women, have is the fear of rejection, or even downright rejection if and when it comes. Well that's part of life. I got turned down plenty of times. I didn't feel great about it, but I got over it. My existence doesn't depend on whether a certain person likes me or not, or wants to be with me or not. One needs to feel good about oneself.

Right now your in a holding pattern, and that will likely get you nowhere!

Tell exactly this - "we've gotten really close over the last few days and if you are interested I think we could have something really good." But be prepared for the fact that she might not share the same opinion. You could preface it with "while you view me as a friend (or just a friend), . . ."

Or you could simply ask her what she is looking for in a relationship.

If you can be patient, you might try to discuss, as friends, what each other wants in a relationship.

That is exactly what attracted to me about my wife, before we got married. We were just casual friends for about 9 months until we started dating. She and I would talk on a variety of subjects, including her interests (personal, academic and professional), my interests (personal, academic and professional), and each other's background. After we started dating, we got more serious about things personal and family histories, and what we expected in a relationship. We became engaged 3 months later. We lived together more or less for a year because I was in school about 90 miles away and she didn't want to be married and living apart.

Have you thought about discussing this matter with your mother? Seriously.

I have to often wonder why teenagers can't discuss such matters with their parents. I could with mine, and as a father, I would hope my kids can come to me with such matters.

 

[Physics is Phun]

It's not so much the rejection that I'm fearing. It's the fact that things may become akward between us if it doesn't go as I would hope. With what we have now, things are pretty good. I'm going to be in school for the summer term, and she and that other friend I mentioned will probably come up and visit on weekends here and there. We'll have some good times. But if I tell her and she does reject me, then I really don't know what'll happen. Things will probably get weird and we'll probably stop hanging out.

I mean, she does have a boyfriend at the moment afterall. That won't last forever cause I know this guy is a player, but it very well may last throughout the summer. And once fall rolls around she'll be gone off to school and I won't even be able to see her at all 'till christmas.

My instincts are to wait it out. She is not a shy girl and I'm sure she would make it clear if she were interested in me...probably... unless, she was afraid to while she was still with her boyfriend.
But 2 weeks ago they did have a fight and "break up" That would have been the time she would've said something. and during that time she said that she didn't want a relationship for a while... of course, she was just emotional at the time.
hmmm. I have some mulling to do...

 

[Moonbear]

The thing is, it's going to become awkward anyway if you always have these feelings for her and don't know if she returns the feelings.

It's tricky when there's another boyfriend involved though. Letting her know you would be interested if she wasn't seeing someone else might be all that's needed. Don't press the issue, just let her know you find her attractive, but that you also respect her choices, if she wishes to stay with her current boyfriend. That way, if she decides to leave him, she knows you're interested.

It's so hard to tell when people start breaking up and getting back together...sometimes they're just working out various issues and wind up eventually staying together and being very happy together, and sometimes it's a sign they are growing apart and are heading quickly toward a permanent break-up.

 

[franznietzsche]

The thing is, it's going to become awkward anyway if you always have these feelings for her and don't know if she returns the feelings.

It's tricky when there's another boyfriend involved though. Letting her know you would be interested if she wasn't seeing someone else might be all that's needed. Don't press the issue, just let her know you find her attractive, but that you also respect her choices, if she wishes to stay with her current boyfriend. That way, if she decides to leave him, she knows you're interested.

That's about the worst thing you could do, IMO. If you have to actually tell her, then you're doing everything wrong.

It's so hard to tell when people start breaking up and getting back together...sometimes they're just working out various issues and wind up eventually staying together and being very happy together, and sometimes it's a sign they are growing apart and are heading quickly toward a permanent break-up.

I can say from experience, it doesn't matter, you don't want to even be trying to move in. I've done it twice, once for each possible resolution, and neither went well. I still happen to be friends with both girls, but all that came of it was a lot of trouble for everyone involved. Dating someone that you pulled out of one relationship to date you is not a good idea. Its like marrying someone who was cheating on their spouse with you. Bad idea.

I'm going to reiterate my point that you're spinning your wheels and wasting your time. Move on, forget about it unless she becomes definitely available, then you can do something.

Now that I've done that, carry on ignoring reality.

 

[Physics is Phun]

*smashes head on desk*

I know I can't really do anything while they are still together. It's just that they aren't really "together". He's a thousand miles away at school right now.
And today she kept telling me (over msn) how much she misses me. We spent 14 hours together on the weekend for crying out loud. AHH what does this all mean??!?
I'm thinking perhaps she just wants a guy to hang around with until her BF comes home :yuck:
But I don't know!

 

[Astronuc]

And today she kept telling me (over msn) how much she misses me. We spent 14 hours together on the weekend for crying out loud.

Tell she is more than welcome to spend more time with you.

You could ask her - if she has a boyfriend, why does she miss you so much?

Or you could make a comment like - if she and you spend anymore time together, you might as well be gf/bf. And see how she reacts.

Don't smash your head too hard - you need to be able to think clearly now and later on.

And pay attention to Moonbear and the other PF sisters.

 

[Physics is Phun]

Or you could make a comment like - if she and you spend anymore time together, you might as well be gf/bf. And see how she reacts

hmm, interesting... very interesting

 

[franznietzsche]

*smashes head on desk*

I know I can't really do anything while they are still together. It's just that they aren't really "together". He's a thousand miles away at school right now.

You certainly CAN, and even can do so successfully, I just would advise against it.

 

[Astronuc]

Don't be pushy.

You could mention that it would be cool if she and you were gf/bf, but tell it's still cool to be friends.

You've already made up your mind, so ultimately it's her choice. Just be comfortable with however it turns out.

 

[Physics is Phun]

Well, I'm really not making any progress tying to figure out how she's feeling towards me. But I have a feeling it's not looking good.
So we hung out last night, me her and the other girl mentioned earlier. We went out to dinner where the topic of conversation was mostly boys and sex (seems to be the topic of conversation whenever I'm around these girls not individually) We went back to her place after that and hung out there. So, I was playing with her baby brother, and he try's to give me an "eskimo kiss" and they're like, awww he's trying to give you an eskimo kiss, that's soo cute. And naturally I'm like, what the hell is an eskimo kiss. (I now know it means rubbing noses) so she's like, you don't know what that is? and then does it to me. And the other girl says, well that's great, you practically kissed "physics is phun"
I really don't know what that was all about, but it wasn't awkward afterwards or anything, and we all just carried on doing what we were doing like nothing happened.
She also hugs me a lot, and did more that usual last night.
BUT. she also called me her best friend, which was not in all seriousness, cause the other girl there is actually her best friend.
she said 'I love you' atleast once maybe twice (i'm not really counting) to me last night. and I think that's a bad sign.

And, best for last, next week she's going to visit her BF at school for a week

 

[Moonbear]

I'm thinking perhaps she just wants a guy to hang around with until her BF comes home :yuck:

Unfortunately, that's possible too. How long have you known her? Has she had other boyfriends other than the current one in the time you've known her? Does she have any history of cheating on them? Or, is she someone who breaks up with the previous one after a few dates with a new one? I don't advocate that practice, but among younger people, it's also not uncommon and not a reason to avoid dating someone...they don't necessarily know what they want in a relationship yet, so sort of do it in a way where they test the waters of another relationship before completely getting out of the first, trying to decide which is the better one. For someone older, I'd take it as a sign of immaturity in relationships, but for someone younger, still in college, I'd take it as inexperience.

I think you missed an opportunity though. When you asked her to show you what an Eskimo kiss is, you had the perfect opening to see how she'd react to just a bit more...stroke her hair while she was close, or comment, "I was hoping it was a bit more than that when I asked you to show me." Those sorts of actions or comments would get the message across fairly clearly that you're interested without being pushy (some guys would have just gone in for a real kiss while that close, which if she's unambiguously interested would have been an easy decision, but when you're uncertain, it could have been taken as being pushy or too forward and unwelcome, which would have caused more harm than good if all she really wants is a best friend).

By the way, it's not cheating to leave one boyfriend for a new prospect, as someone suggested it might be. It's called dating. She's not married, and shouldn't be stuck with the same guy forever if she realizes he's not right, or isn't quite sure. Maybe he's okay, but she likes you better but doesn't think you're interested because you just won't make a move so is just settling for the other guy.

This is why people grow weary of games in relationships and learn to just say what they want and think and risk getting an answer they don't want to hear...at least then you know and can move on.

 

[Physics is Phun]

http://www.cineplex.com/showtimes/showtimes.asp?LNmovie=-1&LNcity=7FE2B2F8-2044-47A7-9FE2-0205993AFDBB%3BCambridge&LNdate=4%2F1%2F2006&type=0&citydesc=Ontario+-+Cambridge&theatredesc=&moviedesc=&theatre=-1&movie=-1&city=7FE2B2F8-2044-47A7-9FE2-0205993AFDBB%3BCambridge&date=4%2F1%2F2006

I think you missed an opportunity though. When you asked her to show you what an Eskimo kiss is, you had the perfect opening to see how she'd react to just a bit more...stroke her hair while she was close, or comment, "I was hoping it was a bit more than that when I asked you to show me." Those sorts of actions or comments would get the message across fairly clearly that you're interested without being pushy (some guys would have just gone in for a real kiss while that close, which if she's unambiguously interested would have been an easy decision, but when you're uncertain, it could have been taken as being pushy or too forward and unwelcome, which would have caused more harm than good if all she really wants is a best friend).

Well. First, I didn't ask for it, she just did it. So it was entirely unexpected. second, the other girl was right there in the room, and I was holding her brother in my lap. And last, I can't remember, but he dad and sister were either in the room, or right in the next room. So, it was neither the time nor place.

That's not really the point though. Whether she like's me or not is the main issue.

I have know her through a few boyfriends, but not very well. I've only really hung out with her for about a month now and this whole time she was "going out" with the new guy.

hmm, just thought of this now... maybe I should wait till he come home in a month. The last time he was home he broke up with her cause she want to spend "too much" time with him (what a jackass) maybe this will happen again and things will fall apart once he gets home.
Of course, I'll be in school then, but my school in only an hour bus away from where she lives, so it's not really THAT bad...


hehe, sorry to anyone reading this, I'm starting to sound like a blog more than a well thought out forum post :tongue2:

 

[rocketboy]

I'm jealous...i don't see my girlfriend half as often as you see this girl.

I think you've spent too much time wondering if she likes you and not enough time finding out if she likes you. Not to be harsh or anything, but I think you should go with something like what moonbear was saying about the eskimo kiss situation...these opportunities come up a lot if you are observant and you can turn them around into finding out what she thinks of you through them.

 

[arildno]

Now, there is one option that she and her friend are playing games with you and are fully aware how you feel about her. That is, they may be "teasing" you, and she doesn't have any interest in you.
In that case as well, I'd recommend you tell her about how you feel, instead of remaining the butt of their (bad) jokes.

 

[Physics is Phun]

haha, well...I reeeally doubt that's the case. And if it were, I would be some pissed.

 

[Astronuc]

Well. First, I didn't ask for it, she just did it. So it was entirely unexpected. second, the other girl was right there in the room, and I was holding her brother in my lap. And last, I can't remember, but he dad and sister were either in the room, or right in the next room. So, it was neither the time nor place.

That's not really the point though. Whether she like's me or not is the main issue.

I have know her through a few boyfriends, but not very well. I've only really hung out with her for about a month now and this whole time she was "going out" with the new guy.

hmm, just thought of this now... maybe I should wait till he come home in a month. The last time he was home he broke up with her cause she want to spend "too much" time with him (what a jackass) maybe this will happen again and things will fall apart once he gets home.

PiP, perhaps you did miss an opportunity - not surprising because the unexpected happened before one could respond. However, perhaps one can be prepared should a similar event arise, i.e. think of what one might say the next time - something like "you have beautiful eyes".

Also when one goes to school, perhaps one could send this woman some flowers and a note expressing thanks for the time spent together.

As for whether or not this woman has affection for one - I agree with Moonbear - the direct approach works best. Just ask her. On the other hand, perhaps the answer will be one that one does not like.

arildno may or may not be correct - it is one of several possibilities in the course of human relationships. Hopefully, this woman is not playing a game. Maybe she simply sees one as a platonic friend, which is not so bad, but falls short of one's wish.

Perhaps this woman is afraid of a serious relationship at this point - many men and woman are - so people resort to games or relationships which are somewhat superficial.

Another matter to ask the woman - what are her thoughts about relationships? What does she really want in a relationship? What is one's thoughts about relationships?

 

[Physics is Phun]

ohhhh
One is getting more and more confused by the minute

 

[Astronuc]

ohhhh
One is getting more and more confused by the minute

About what is one confused?

Just be prepared for another opportunity - which may or may not come.

Also, don't impose a kiss - be polite and ask first.

But still consider - when she and you part ways for school, conisder sending this woman some flowers and a note expressing thanks for the time spent together. Very simple.