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My boyfriend is racist?!

  1. May 17, 2015 #1
    Hi everyone, I really need advice on this one, I would appreciate it tons.

    Since my first experience in a relationships I learned what I wanted, when I met my current boyfriend I thought I had found exactly that, to me he is kind, loving, caring, honest, and made me feel safe. We always knew we were different, I am what some people would call "hippie" though I don't like to be stereotyped in any way, but I am very much into sustainability, freedom, human rights, I come from Chile which is a "third world" country where I see misery, poor, everyday. He is from a wealthy German family, conservative, capitalist, right winged, they demonise socialism or communism (not that I support this or any party in anyway) and have problems with immigration, and rarely encountered people in extreme situations, even though all this I stayed with him because he was great to me and I am still deeply in love, I felt he made me balance by biases.

    Because of this, I stoped being so vocal about my points of view, to be "tolerant". I started to go to dinners with him and he introduced me to his family and his friends, I have had to sit on a table full of man making derogative jokes about woman, and talking about how they shared cigars over "casual racism" (I am not joking that they used this term), I have heard his mom and dad complain and blame the problems of Germany on to arabs, and all this things just make me hugely uncomfortable because even if I wanted to say something to them to educate them (which I tried) my comments would be seen as "you don't know anything because you are not from here".
    The last fight we had was about a comic strip I posted on my facebook page, specifically this one:

    https://fbcdn-sphotos-h-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-xfp1/v/t1.0-9/21890_904838696224154_6249844723504837591_n.jpg?oh=a229f9b400f45e01fa1fa0097b855a91&oe=56093D9D&__gda__=1439856030_c08a1bf55e3eaad7cd5081436aefbb1d

    He told me he was upset by it, and I told him that my opinion is totally valid since I have seen racism in his circles with my own eyes (he has even admitted that his father's hunting buddies are racist), I told him that if he could tell me why I was so wrong about my point of view I was open to consider rethinking, he just avoided explaining to me anything with the same attitude "you don't know anything because you are not from here".

    I though I could fix this, but he will not back down with his view. The first problem we had was about his business friends being disrespectful to me gathering around and making very hurtful jokes about commitment and marriage and womans roles, one of this guys (70 somethign years old) even told me when no one was listening that my boyfriend was only with me for the sex and that I am a gold digger. I told my boyfriend about how awful it made me feel how I thought this views where very destructive to our relationship, he said I was right and that he would be mindful the next time something like this happens, I have no problem with him being with this people, the problem starts when he starts to entertain this attitudes.
    I though if I showed him my reasons to how I think he would understand, but now I am realising that his attachment to his dad and his upbringing make it impossible for him to generate his own view about the topics without being influences by the people around him (My family also has values which I don't connect to and I will not agree with things that don't feel right to me just because they are my family). After this I came to the conclusion that we have to brake up, he is able to live with us having different points of view, and told me on his side everything is ok and that he wanted to be with me, he made it clear that is was my decision to leave and that I should deal with it alone if that was what I am going to do.

    So this gets me thinking, is it ok to be tolerant to racism, patriotism, and sexism? Is my love for him more important then the views I have used to shape my being?

    This is hugely breaking my heart.
     
  2. jcsd
  3. May 17, 2015 #2

    Evo

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    That's personal, it's not if it's right or wrong, it's what you believe and apparently you don't like people that act like that, it sounds like you aren't going to change him, perhaps he doesn't want to change.

    So, I think it's time for you to move along, you made the right decision.
     
  4. May 17, 2015 #3
    Thank you for your reply Evo, by the way you have a beautiful profile picture :)
     
  5. May 17, 2015 #4

    micromass

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    First of all, it is quite irrelevant how his family thinks. I understand that they make hurtful comments, but after all, it's only important what your partner thinks of something. So his family can spew the most racist or sexist comments, as long as he doesn't, it should be alright. Even though it can hurt when you're with his family of course.

    Second, it is alright for two partners to have different beliefs about something. It is not abnormal for two partners to have very different political views. But what's important is that both sides respect the other their view. So him saying "you doesn't understand because you're not from here", isn't really very respecting of your view. It might be true, but he should take your position seriously by explaining the specifics of the situation to you, and not resort to ad hominem attacks.
    Does he spew sexist remarks occasionally? That is also something that you should not expect. It seems that in his family that women need to listen and need to be obedient to their husbands. Is that what he thinks too? That would be a big problem.
     
  6. May 17, 2015 #5
    No he doesnt think this way at all, at least he has not showed it yet. It just makes me bad that he looks up to people who have nothing positive to give towards how to deal with relationships, his parents are married but live in different apartment levels and don't even sleep together, they live a total lie relationship wise, I understand he is very close to his dad because they work together and his dad enabled him to have a career and make something of himself in the family business, but that doesn't mean he should justify racist points of view. I have already had trouble with my own family for exposing close racist views and woman limitating attitudes, and I over came it, I respect the way they think, but this is the man I am planning to live with and move to Germany for, the man I want to have children with, and I dont want to have children that hurt other people out of ignorant racism.
     
  7. May 17, 2015 #6

    ShayanJ

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    1) He reacted to the comic strip you posted, which means he would have the same feeling as you if you weren't keeping your ideas for yourself. But how long can you continue doing that?
    2) The choice is between what you think is right and your feeling. You should know how much you value the things you consider important. If those things define who you are and you think those are what you want to do with your life, then its really wrong to live with someone who doesn't believe in them. Life is like a journey to reach a destiny. Two people with the same destiny will solve any problem they may encounter even if the problem is a crucial difference between them. But if two people have different destinies, they necessarily will separate at a point of their journey.
     
  8. May 17, 2015 #7
    Just sing him this
     
  9. May 17, 2015 #8
    pfff He doesnt like queen xD Maybe I should sing it to myself
     
  10. May 17, 2015 #9

    micromass

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    I think that answers the question on whether he is worth staying with.
     
  11. May 17, 2015 #10
    hhahahahaah Yes totally right...
     
  12. May 17, 2015 #11
    Do not walk away from this relationship, run, as far and as fast as you can. Do not look back. Enjoy and live your life by your values, not those of narrow minded people. There is no room for racism in this world if we want to create a decent society. I know what I would do.
     
  13. May 21, 2015 #12
    Technically speaking you posted a racist picture.
    Yes, racism work both ways, claiming otherwise would be a hypocrisy.

    (However, I do not say that there is anything wrong in posting racist pictures)

    I'd suggest you to keep with your partner approach that different political idea are ok for both of you.



    Remember simple rule - all internal problems are caused by members of other tribe. In Greece everything is German fault, in Germany everything is fault of immigrants, especially those from outside Europe, in Arabic countries everything is fault of colonial powers, the USA and Jews.

    Simple? ;)

    Mine views are result of critical thinking, others are caused by external factors, right? ;)

    Well, it's a bit tricky what you are tolerant about. Why are we proudly saying being tolerant about some things, while being tolerant about other is considered as shameful?

    Anyway, what's wrong with patriotism?

    Do you know what helped me see world differently? Reading about nationalism in different countries. Discuss with him about Brits that believe that when they free themsleves from their German lead EU opressors would suddenly become much better off (as side note when Scotts free themselves from British...)
     
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