My favorite jokes thread

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  1. dextercioby

    dextercioby 12,314
    Science Advisor
    Homework Helper

    "My favorite jokes" thread

    I decided to break the monotony installed with the latest wave of stupid threads occuring in our beloved GD and post my favorite jokes in (American) English.

    I know some of them are lame. :tongue2:

    A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her
    turn, she climbs up on Santa's lap. Santa asks, "What
    would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?" The
    little girl replies, "I want a Barbie and Action Man."
    Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says,
    "I thought Barbie comes with Ken." "No," said the
    little girl. "She comes with Action Man, she fakes it
    with Ken."


    BREAKING NEWS
    The Japanese have invented a camera with a shutter speed so fast that it can actually take a photo of a woman with her mouth closed.


    A professor at the University is giving a seminar on the supernatural.
    To get a feel for his audience, he asks them, "How many folk here believe in ghosts?"
    About 80 students raise their hands. "That's a good start," says the professor, "For those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?"
    About 40 students raise their hands.
    "That's really good," continues the professor, "I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"
    15 students raise their hands.
    "That's a great response," remarks the impressed professor, "has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"
    3 students raise their hands.
    "Brilliant. But let me ask you one question further...
    Have any of you ever been intimate with a ghost?"
    One of his students from a Redneck state raises his hand.
    The professor is astonished. He takes off glasses, takes a step back, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed that.
    You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience." The redneck student replies with a nod and begins to make his way up to the podium. The professor asks, "Well, tell us what it's like to have made love to a ghost."
    The student replies, "Ghost?!? Dang it!... I thought you said `goats.'

    A Polish man married a Canadian girl after he had been in Canada a
    year or so and, although his English was far from perfect, they got on very well. Until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him
    if he could arrange a divorce for him-"very quick". The lawyer said that the speed of getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances and asked him the following questions:
    > > > > > > LAWYER: Have you any grounds ?
    > > > > > > POLE: JA, JA, an acre and half and a nice little home with 3
    > > > bedrooms.
    > > > > > > LAWYER "No," I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
    > > > > > > Pole: "It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," he
    responded.
    > > > > > > LAWYER: "Does either of you have a real grudge?"
    > > > > > > POLE: "No," he replied, "We have a two-car carport and have
    > > > never
    > > > > really
    > > > > > > needed one."
    > > > > > > LAWYER "I mean, What are your relations like?"
    > > > > > > POLE: "All my relations are in Poland."
    > > > > > > LAWYER: "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
    > > > > > > POLE: "Yes, we have hi fidelity stereo set & DVD player with
    6.1 sound.We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."
    > > > > > > LAWYER: No, I mean Does your wife beat you up?
    > > > > > > POLE: NO, I'm always up before her.
    > > > > > > LAWYER: Is your wife a nagger?
    > > > > > > POLE: NO, she white.
    > > > > > > LAWYER: WHY do you want this divorce?
    > > > > > > POLE: SHE going to kill me.
    > > > > > > LAWYER: What makes you think that?
    > > > > > > POLE: I got proof.
    > > > > > > LAWYER: What kind of proof?
    > > > > > > POLE: She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at the drug
    store and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read !!! - it says "Polish Remover"!!!

    Women top 5 lies:
    5. I am a virgin.
    4. It is so big.
    3. I can't do that to my best friend.
    2. I won't gain weight after marriage.
    1. I am coming I am coming!!!

    Q. What's better than roses on your piano ?
    A. Tulips on your organ ...

    Q: What's the difference between men and pigs?
    A: Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.

    Q: What kind of bees give milk?
    A: Boo-bees.

    Q: What will it take to reunite Nirvana???
    A: Two more bullets...

    Q: What was the last thing to go through Cobain's
    mind?
    A: The roof of his mouth.

    Q: What's the worst part about eating vegetables?
    A: The wheelchair.

    Q: What do you call a woman with no a$$hole?
    A: Divorced.

    Q: What does a women do with her a$$ in the morning???
    A: She makes him a sandwich and sends him to work....

    Q: Why don't cannibals eat clowns?
    A: They taste funny!!

    Q: What's the difference between snowmen and
    snowwomen?
    A: Snowballs.

    Q: What did the instructor at the school for Kamikaze
    pilots say to his
    students?
    A: Watch closely. I'm only going to do this once.

    Q: What do you call a gay dinosaur?
    A: Megasorass.


    A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their
    bedroom. "You know what?" says the 6 year old. "I
    think it's about time we started cussing." The 4 year
    old nods his head in approval.

    The 6 year old continues, "When we go downstairs for
    breakfast, I'm gonna say something with 'hell' and you
    say something with 'ass'. The 4 year old agrees with
    enthusiasm.

    When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the
    6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies,
    "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."
    WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the
    kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his
    eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his
    rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room
    and shouts, "You can just stay there until I let you
    out!"

    She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year
    old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want
    for breakfast, young man?" "I don't know," he
    blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be
    Cheerios."


    Eat and drink

    1.) Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer
    heart attacks than Americans
    2.) Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart
    attacks than Americans
    3.) Africans drink very little red wine and suffer
    fewer heart attacks than Americans
    4.) Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and
    suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans
    5.) Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of
    sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than
    Americans

    CONCLUSION:
    Eat and drink what you want. Speaking English is
    apparently what really kills you.



    Hearing so many people speaking about his
    intelligence level, George "double you" Bush decided
    to get his brain checked. The physician diagnosis was
    as follows:
    - Mr. President, you have two brains, the left and the
    right, like all normal people. But the problem is that
    in your left brain there is nothing right and in your
    right brain there is nothing left.


    A prostitute is lying in bed between tricks studying a
    dictionary. A koala bear enters through the window and
    performs oral sex on her. When the koala turns to
    depart, the prostitue says, "Hey, wait a minute." The
    koala looks at her, puzzled. "I'm a prostitute." says
    the prostitute. Still, the koala appears clueless. The
    prostitute turns to the entry for prostitute in the
    dictionary. The koala reads, "Prostitute: Person who
    engaged in sex for money." The koala then takes the
    dictionary, turns to the entry for "koala" and hands
    it to the prostitue, who reads:

    "Koala: Australian marsupial that eats bushes and
    leaves."



    A discussion in the immigration office at the airport:
    - NAME?
    - Muhjmatil Ahmed Mahmud.
    - SEX?
    - Three times a week!
    - I MEAN: MALE OR FEMALE?
    - Doesn't matter. Sometimes even with camel...


    Daniel.

    P.S. Can i post dirty jokes, please, pretty please?? :cry:
     
  2. jcsd
  3. a friend has a tee shirt that says,

    I've eaten my vegetables, now what do I do with the wheelchairs?
     
  4. Lisa!

    Lisa! 990
    Gold Member

    Hey dextercioby,don't call you Daniel because you said I can be myself and no point in being nice to you,you're still here!!! :confused: :grumpy: :wink:
    by the way, are we allowed to post jokes here?
     
  5. dextercioby

    dextercioby 12,314
    Science Advisor
    Homework Helper

    I didn't get anything out your first sentence. It doesn't make too much sense.

    As for the second, yes, why not?

    Daniel.
     
  6. Lisa!

    Lisa! 990
    Gold Member

    haha I was sure you can't understand it. :rofl:
    I said : are you still here?and I don't call you Daniel anymore because of what you said before:"you can be yourself, there is no point in being nice to me!" :devil:
     
  7. dextercioby

    dextercioby 12,314
    Science Advisor
    Homework Helper

    I dunno if you tried to be funny on purpose, but you were :tongue2:

    Don't call me Daniel. I'll call you Lisa! (it's more of a cry due to the abnormal punctuation :P).

    Daniel.
     
  8. JamesU

    JamesU 745
    Gold Member

    Three guys were working on a high rise building project: Steve, Bill and Charlie. Steve falls off and is killed instantly.

    As the ambulance takes the body away, Charlie says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."

    Bill says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."

    2 hours later, he comes back carrying a 6-pack. Charlie says, "Where did you get that, Bill?"

    "Steve's wife gave it to me."
    "That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?"

    Bill says, "Well not exactly. When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Steve's widow.'"

    She said, "'No, I'm not a widow."

    And I said, "Wanna bet me a six-pack?"
     
  9. Lisa!

    Lisa! 990
    Gold Member

    Are Computers Male or Female?

    A group of computer scientists (all males) announced that computers should be referred to as being female.Their reasons for drawing this conclusion follow:


    5 reasons to believe computers are female:

    1.No one but the Creator understand their internal logic.
    2.The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to eveyone else.
    3.The message "Bad command or file name" is about as informative as, "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you."
    4.Even yoursmallest mistakes are stored inlong-term memory for later retrieval.
    5.As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.


    However, another group of computer scientists, (all female) think that computers should be referred to as if they were male.Their reasons follow:

    5 reasons to believe computers are male:


    1.They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
    2.They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.
    3.As soon as you commit to one you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have obtained a better model.


    (anyone knows 2 other reasons?I can't remember! :cry: :cry: )


    Thank you.I was too sad but it made me laugh. :rofl:
     
  10. dextercioby

    dextercioby 12,314
    Science Advisor
    Homework Helper

    You're welcome...































    to post better jokes. :tongue:


    Daniel.
     
  11. Lisa!

    Lisa! 990
    Gold Member

    Could you please tell me what you mean by :tongue2: and :tongue: ?(I know you used it to make me angry but what it means in general!)
     
  12. Q. why are women such bad drivers?

    A. because they're always told that this |-------------------------------| is ten inches
     
  13. dextercioby

    dextercioby 12,314
    Science Advisor
    Homework Helper

    Yes. I'm sorry if you can't see the difference.:tongue2: It's all in the position of the tongue, u c?? I mean it depends on how innocent the gesture is. :tongue: is definitely childish, while :tongue2: is more :wink: , see ? :wink:

    I'm not trying to make anyone angry. I'm trying to enjoy myself. :wink: :tongue2:

    Daniel. :wink:
     
  14. Lisa!

    Lisa! 990
    Gold Member

    And do you enjoy yourself when you make others angry? :wink:If you do, be sure it doen't work in my case!I mean you can't usually make me angry. well, I'm not in a good mood since yesterday, so maybe you'll be successful at your job!but then I'll pay you back as soon as possible! :devil:


    By the way, if you have some other jokes, please share with us.(not dirty ones of course!)
     
  15. Galileo

    Galileo 2,001
    Science Advisor
    Homework Helper

    So there's this guy is bragging to his friend about this pig he has with him.
    He says:"My pig is so amazing. Did you know he can calculate in french?"
    His friend says: "Don't be silly. I don't believe you."
    The guy says :"Here, I`ll show it to you." So he turns to his pig and says:" How much is 3 times 3?"
    The pig says: "..neuf..."
    "See?", the guy says, "I told you so."
    "This is incredible", his friend replies, "show me more".
    "Okay", the guy says and turns to his pig again, "How much is 5 plus 4?"
    Once again the pig goes: "...neuf..."
    "Aha! Wait a minute.", the friend says,"Can he do any calculation that doesn't end in 9?"
    The guy swifts a bit and looks around, "..um..yeah, yes of course he can!"
    "Let me try.", the friend says sceptically, "How much is 4 plus 4?"
    So the guy graps this stick, sticks it up the pig's rear. "HUUIIIIITTTT!!!!" :rofl:

    It's funnier if it's told.
     
  16. dextercioby

    dextercioby 12,314
    Science Advisor
    Homework Helper

    That too, but it doesn't include you. :wink:

    It's not in my intention to make anyone angry. :rolleyes:


    I look forward to it. :tongue2: :devil:


    Why not dirty ones ? :surprised :cry:


    ABBOTT AND COSTELLO

    Costello Wants to buy a Computer from Abbott.

    ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
    COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den,
    and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
    ABBOTT: Mac?
    COSTELLO: No, the names Lou.
    ABBOTT: Your computer?
    COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
    ABBOTT: Mac?
    COSTELLO: I told you, my names Lou.
    ABBOTT: What about Windows?
    COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
    ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with windows?
    COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look in
    the windows?
    ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
    COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer
    and software.
    ABBOTT: Software for windows?
    COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can
    use to write proposals, track expenses and run my
    business. What have you got?
    ABBOTT: Office.
    COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend
    anything?
    ABBOTT: I just did.
    COSTELLO: You just did what?
    ABBOTT: Recommend something.
    COSTELLO: You recommended something?
    ABBOTT: Yes.
    COSTELLO: For my office?
    ABBOTT: Yes.
    COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
    ABBOTT: Office.
    COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
    ABBOTT: I recommend office with windows.
    COSTELLO: I already have an office a nd it has
    windows! OK, lets just say, I'm sitting at my computer
    and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
    ABBOTT: Word.
    COSTELLO: What word?
    ABBOTT: Word in Office.
    COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
    ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
    COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
    ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W."
    COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you
    don't start with some straight answers. OK, forget
    that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?
    ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One.
    COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I
    watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I
    need!
    ABBOTT: Real One.
    COSTELLO: If its a long movie I also want to see reel
    2, 3 and 4. Can I
    watch them?
    ABBOTT: Of course.
    COSTELLO: Great, with what?
    ABBOTT: Real One.
    COSTELLO; OK, I'm at my computer a nd I want to watch
    a movie. What do I do?
    ABBOTT: You click the blue "1."
    COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?
    ABBOTT: The blue "1."
    COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue "W"?
    ABBOTT: The blue 1 is Real One and the blue W is Word.
    COSTELLO: What word?
    ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
    COSTELLO: But there's three words in "office for
    windows"!
    ABBOTT: No, just one. But its the most popular Word in
    the world.
    COSTELLO: It is?
    ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other
    Words left. It Pretty much wiped out all the other
    Words.
    COSTELLO: And that word is real one?
    ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One
    isn't even Part of Office.
    COSTELLO: Stop! Don't start that again. What about
    financial bookkeeping you have anything I can track my
    money with?
    ABBOTT: Money.
    COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
    ABBOTT: Money.
    COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
    ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
    COSTELLO: What's bundled to my computer?
    ABBOTT: Money.
    COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
    ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
    COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer?
    How much?
    ABBOTT: One copy.
    COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
    ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy money.
    COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
    ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

    (LATER)

    COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off??
    ABBOTT: Click on "START"
    ....................................


    Daniel.
     
  17. Lisa!

    Lisa! 990
    Gold Member

    Thank you! :wink:



    me too!




    You'd better not! :devil:


    :surprised Some of your jokes are dirty by now!so I prefer not to hear your dirty ones!
     
  18. dextercioby

    dextercioby 12,314
    Science Advisor
    Homework Helper

    Yes, i admit, i usually leave 'em at the door when taking a shower, no wonder they're dirty. Seriously now, why not ? :surprised You're just 4 days younger than me, don't act like a kiddie. :tongue2: :tongue2:

    Sides, you wouldn't hear them anyway, you'd probably read them. :tongue:

    Daniel.
     
  19. Lisa!

    Lisa! 990
    Gold Member

    Sep. 11th! :cry: 2 disaster! :cry: (well, I know lots of people who was born on sep. 11th!)
    Why do you know some dirty jokes if you're really innocent? o:)

    I won't read them! :yuck:
     
  20. Lisa!

    Lisa! 990
    Gold Member

    An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a "Curse" he has been living with for the last 40 years.
    The Wizard says "maybe, but you'll have to tell me the exact words taht were used to put the curse on you."
    The old man says without hesitation "I now pronounce you man and wife"!


    :cry: My best jokes are too long!And I'm too lazy to write them!





    Sorry, I was too excited about your birthday, so I forgot to answer your question!
    You know some of dirty jokes are really disgusting! :yuck: :yuck: And if you tell me 1 of them, you'll always remind me of that joke :yuck: :yuck:and I'll prefer not to talk to you! :yuck: :yuck: Now if you dislike talking to me, go ahead! :grumpy: :grumpy: That's the best way to get rid of me! :wink:
     
    Last edited: Jul 9, 2005
  21. wolram

    wolram 3,762
    Gold Member

    O'Neil was walking home from the pub one night when lo and behold he
    sees one of the Little Folk. He sneaks up and catches him in is stare
    and demands three wishes for the little mans freedom. "Granted" says the
    man in green, "but whatever I do for you, O'Reily will get twofold!" Now
    O'Reily is no friend of O'Neil, in fact they hate each other, but O'Neil
    agrees.
    "For my first wish I'd like a mansion full of expensive antiques and
    beautiful women."
    "Granted, and of course O'Reily gets two!"
    "For my second wish I'd like a beautiful, sexy, redheaded nymphomaniac."
    "Granted, and of course O'Reily gets two women."
    Now by this stage O'Neil is pissed off, the hated O'Reily getting two
    mansions and two nymphomaniacs. Suddenly inspiration hits him.
    "For my third wish, I want you to remove one of my testicles!.
     
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