My favorite jokes thread

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  • #51
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dang my one & only joke is still the funniest i've seen on this thread so far. here's more:

Standard English
The Lord's Prayer
Our Father, who art in heaven,
Hallowed be Thy name.
Thy Kingdom come,
Thy will be done
On earth as it is in heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread,
And forgive us our trespasses
As we forgive those who trespass against us.
And lead us not into temptation,
But deliver us from evil.
For Thine is the Kingdom, and the power, and the glory, forever and ever.
-- Amen

Ebonics
Big Daddy's Rap
Yo, Big Daddy upstairs,
You be chillin,
So be yo hood.
You be sayin it, I be doin it
In this here hood and yo's.
Gimme some eats,
And cut me some slack,
Sos I be doin it to dem dat diss me.
Don't be pushing me into no jive,
And keep dem Crips away.
'Cause you always be da Man.
-- Aaa-mén
 
  • #52
740
13
One day in the Garden of Eden, Adam calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem!"
-- "What's the problem, Adam?"
-- "Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, but I'm just not happy."
-- "Why is that, Adam?", comes the reply from above.
-- "Lord, I am lonely."
-- "Well, Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create a woman for you."
-- "What's a 'woman,' Lord?"
-- "This woman will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and beautiful creature I have ever created. She will be so intelligent that she can figure out what you want before you want it. She will be so sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood and how to make you happy. Her beauty will rival that of the heavens and earth. She will unquestioningly care for your every need and desire. She will be the perfect companion for you."
-- "Sounds great," says Adam.
-- "She will be, but this is going to cost you, Adam."
-- "How much will this woman cost me, Lord?"
-- "She'll cost you your right arm, your right leg, an eye, an ear, and your left testicle."
Adam ponders this proposition for a long time and finally says, "That's a lot of body parts, Lord. Uh, what can I get for a rib?"

(i guess you get what you pay for jk :wink: )
 
  • #53
JamesU
Gold Member
750
3
one day, john looks up at the sky and says:

JOHN: god, how much is one million years to you?

god replied:

GOD: 1 minute
JOHN: how much is 1,000,000 dollars to you?
GOD: 1 penny
JOHN: god, can I have one penny?
GOD: just one minute...
 
  • #54
Lisa!
Gold Member
612
96
writer

Once upon a time there was a young man who wanted to become a great writer.
"I want to write things the whole world will read," he declared.
"Stuff that will elicit strong emotions from people in every walk of life.I want my writing to make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger."



He now lives happily ever after in Redmond, Wash., writing error messages for Microsoft.


yomamma said:
one day, john looks up at the sky and says:
john? :bugeye: It's worse than all my mistakes!
JOHN: god, how much is one million years to you?

god replied:

GOD: 1 minute
JOHN: how much is 1,000,000 dollars to you?
GOD: 1 penny
JOHN: god, can I have one penny?
GOD: just one minute...
:rofl: John or Jim? :wink:
 
  • #55
dextercioby
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Lisa! said:
Once upon a time there was a young man who wanted to become a great writer.
"I want to write things the whole world will read," he declared.
"Stuff that will elicit strong emotions from people in every walk of life.I want my writing to make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger."

He now lives happily ever after in Redmond, Wash., writing error messages for Microsoft.
:rofl: Good joke. :wink:

john? :bugeye: It's worse than all my mistakes!
:wink:
:surprised i see what You mean, i wouldn't like It either. :tongue2:

Daniel. :wink:
 
  • #56
Lisa!
Gold Member
612
96
Well because I've promised to stop chitchating through this thread, I have to tell this silly joke:




Shelia walked into the kitchen to find her husband, Fred, stalking around with a fly swatter.
"And what are you doing?" she asked.
"Hunting flies" he responded.
"Oh? Killing any?" she asked, witha smirk.
"Yep!Got 4 males, 3 females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked."How the heck can you tell?"
"Simple."He replied, "4 were on a beer can, 3 were on the phone."




dextercioby said:
:rofl: Good joke. :wink:
Not as much as yours! :wink:



:surprised i see what You mean, i wouldn't like It either. :tongue2:

Daniel. :wink:
:tongue2:
 
  • #57
JamesU
Gold Member
750
3
A man and his wife went to the hospital to have their new baby delivered. when they got there, the doctor had a new invention that could transfer some of the pain to the father. they agred to try it.

at first, they transfered 10% of the pain to the husband. he didn't f4eel anything, so they raised it to 30%. he was just fine, so they raised it to 50%. still, nothing. so they transfered 100% of the pain to the father.

the next day, they were heading home with their baby when they niticed the milkman was dead on the porch
 
  • #58
JamesU
Gold Member
750
3
Lisa! said:
On

john? :bugeye: It's worse than all my mistakes!

:rofl: John or Jim? :wink:
:confused:
 
  • #59
Lisa!
Gold Member
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yomamma said:
:confused:
What are you confused about?
 
  • #60
JamesU
Gold Member
750
3
your post. duh!
 
  • #61
Lisa!
Gold Member
612
96
yomamma said:
your post. duh!
You should write the names with capital letter.It's important espe. about John.john means a toilet! :grumpy:

About the second part of my post, It was nothing.As I remember you said my name is Jim!


Got it now or I still should explain more? :smile: (I hope this post wouldn't need to be clarified! :uhh: )
 
  • #62
JamesU
Gold Member
750
3
I never said you name was jim. I said MY name was jim.
 
  • #63
Lisa!
Gold Member
612
96
yomamma said:
I never said you name was jim. I said MY name was jim.
:rofl: Nice joke!
 
  • #64
JamesU
Gold Member
750
3
:confused: you're crazy
 
  • #65
Lisa!
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And you're always confused!
 
  • #66
JamesU
Gold Member
750
3
that's because you're always confusing!
 
  • #67
1,444
2
Yes I know it's a long joke. But if you have the time tocome to the thread and read jokes rather do your homework, then whats's another 2 minutes to you? :tongue:

three men were at the gates of heaven. St Peter says that in order to get into heaven they need to tell him their individual stories and if it's unfortuante enough, then they can go to heaven

First guy's story - I suspected my wife of cheating. So i came home early from work one day and found my wife in bed naked. SO i looked everywhered around my apartment and didnt find anything. Finally on the balcony, i saw someone's fingers hanging off the balcony. I took a hammer and hit his fingers and he eventually lost grip and fell down. But he landed on a tree, so he survived. SO i took teh refrigerator and threw it on him and it instantly killed him. After that, all this trauma was too much for me, and i had a heart attack and died.
St Peter said - preetty unfortunate story - go on in to heaven.

Second Guy's Story - I was doing my exercises on my balcony one day and i accidentally fell off. I luckily managed to grab onto the balcony below mine, but then this madman comes and hits my fingers with a hammer. He broke my fingers so i fell down. Luckily i landed on a tree. But next thing i see is a refrigerator coming at me, and so here i am.
St Peter - pretty sad story - go on into heaven

Third Guy - Picture this - i'm the guy in the refrigerator.
 
  • #68
Lisa!
Gold Member
612
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The stupidest joke I've ever heard: :grumpy: (actually it's not a joke)

2 guys walk into a bar. Then 1 guy says to the other, "is this some kind of joke?" :cry: :cry: :grumpy:
 
  • #69
EnumaElish
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Homework Helper
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A Brit and a Dane are smoking outside when it starts to rain. The Brit reaches into his pocket and pulls out a condom. He explains: "I'll put the fag into this so I can keep smoking." The Dane says "good idea," runs into a nearby pharmacy and requests a condom. The pharmacist asks: what size? The Dane: "it doesn't matter as long as it'll fit a camel."
 
  • #70
Lisa!
Gold Member
612
96
Some Improvements in Hell

An engineer died and ended up in Hell. Soon, he became dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell, and began designing and building improvements. After a while, they had flush toilets, air conditioning, escalators. The engineer was a pretty popular guy.

One day God called to Satan and said with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in Hell?"

Satan replied, "Hey, things are great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."God exclaimed, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake--he should never have gotten down there in the first place. Send him back up here."

"No way," replied Satan. "I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God threatened, "Send him back up here now or I'll sue!"

Satan laughed and answered, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?":tongue2:
 
  • #71
695
6
Artman, franz and Danger are in a car wreck and all three die. They go to hell and Satan come up to them. He grabs Danger and hands him the most hideous looking woman you've ever seen. she has buck teeth and really bad acne. Satan says, "for all your sins in life you must spend eternity with this woman."
Next he grabs franz and hands him an extremely fat woman covered in boils. "For all your sins in life you must spend eternity with this woman"
finally he grabs artman. He hands him a beautiful blonde. satan turns to the blonde, "for all your sins in life..."
 
  • #72
Lisa!
Gold Member
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tribdog said:
Artman, franz and Danger are in a car wreck and all three die. They go to hell and Satan come up to them. He grabs Danger and hands him the most hideous looking woman you've ever seen. she has buck teeth and really bad acne. Satan says, "for all your sins in life you must spend eternity with this woman."
Next he grabs franz and hands him an extremely fat woman covered in boils. "For all your sins in life you must spend eternity with this woman"
finally he grabs artman. He hands him a beautiful blonde. satan turns to the blonde, "for all your sins in life..."
:rofl: Oh man you're really brave or perhaps...:uhh:
I heard this joke along time before and wanted to make a joke about PFers base on it, but I didn't dare!
 

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